Enough is enough
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29-11-2013, 10:37 AM
RE: Enough is enough
(29-11-2013 10:33 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(29-11-2013 10:30 AM)DLJ Wrote:  Not if your problems include having too much money and having too much booze in the house.

Tongue

Love, if only I had problems like that I wouldn't have any problems at all lol.

I think I detect the basis for a formulation of a strategy.

Remember this day, yes, remember this day.

Yes

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01-12-2013, 11:27 AM
RE: Enough is enough
(29-11-2013 10:00 AM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Some nights you just need to have some friends get drunk play cards and let your problems have a break. They'll still be there tomorrow.

In our house, we say 'Friends are the family you pick'.

sometimes they come & go, but while they are with you they bring you happiness. We only get one life on this rock…make it a happy one.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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01-12-2013, 12:28 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(18-11-2013 07:26 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  Ok so I got a letter from my mother today. Inside it was also a letter from my ex-husband. She's already given him my phone number so I guess I should just be glad that she didn't give him my address too. I have so many "missed" calls every day it's ridiculous. I have just stopped answering my phone when my parents or my ex call. Which is a lot.
The letters were long but I will include the parts that bother/hurt me the most. I really love my mom and I really believe that she loves me too, but she doesn't see how much she hurts me sometimes.

Ex
Quote:I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things, but I truly tried my best to be a good husband to you. I feel like I have gotten closer to God since you left, and when you're ready to come home I am confident that I'm ready to be the kind of husband that He wants me to be. Te quiero chiquita, ya no me castiguéis más ok.

We didn't see eye to eye? He tried to beat me into being the perfect little housewife that he wanted me to be. My last pregnancy was a result of him raping me and that certainly wasn't the first time he'd raped me. I lost a pregnancy at five months just a month before I got pregnant with my youngest and he blamed me for the death of our baby. Him being closer to God doesn't exactly make me feel any safer. Why on earth would he think I'm punishing him? I ran away (800 miles away) because I am afraid of him. I just want to be left in peace. I don't think I can take this anymore.

Mother
Quote:I understand it is hard baby, and I don't want you to think I think the abuse is okay. Praise God that your father has never abused me. You have to have faith, Stephanie, and know that God will never give you anything you cannot handle. I need you to trust in the Lord that he knows what is best for you. We may not understand why He chose to allow (ex-husband) to treat you the way he did, but we must know that honoring and obeying our husband is honoring and obeying the Lord. The reward will be great. Do you really think your comfort here is worth eternal damnation? Be strong baby girl, and come home to your husband. You must do what we all know is right.

I have no words for this. How could my mother say this to me? I am tempted to move and change my phone number (again) and never speak to any of them again. I don't know how to deal with this. When is it okay to let go and tell my mother every gruesome detail of my marriage? When is it okay to tell her that if she truly believes that was all a part of god's plan for my life then she is a terrible mother? Can you just quit your family? I am so tired, enough is enough.

This is indeed heart-breaking. Do you have custody of the children? Does he have visitation rights? Does he meet his children? I think you are doing the right thing,
move as far away from him as possible, and ignore him as much as possible. Every interaction will make it harder for him to let you go. Abusive people can become violent, so it is better to ignore them than to fight them. Is he angry with you?
(despite the sweet talking.) And do you feel he could harm you now?

Your mother seems to be more concerned about religion than about
your ex (or you for that matter). Perhaps you should give here the gruesome
details about your marriage, it might change her mind.

As a thought experiment, I wonder how your mother would react if you
said that you have met another nice Christian man. Or if your "new pastor"
told you that God's plan for you is to be strong and live on your own.
BTW, I am a self-proclaimed pastor of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
so you wouldn't even be lying.
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01-12-2013, 12:58 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(01-12-2013 12:28 PM)black_squirrel Wrote:  This is indeed heart-breaking. Do you have custody of the children? Does he have visitation rights? Does he meet his children? I think you are doing the right thing,
move as far away from him as possible, and ignore him as much as possible. Every interaction will make it harder for him to let you go. Abusive people can become violent, so it is better to ignore them than to fight them. Is he angry with you?
(despite the sweet talking.) And do you feel he could harm you now?

Your mother seems to be more concerned about religion than about
your ex (or you for that matter). Perhaps you should give here the gruesome
details about your marriage, it might change her mind.

As a thought experiment, I wonder how your mother would react if you
said that you have met another nice Christian man. Or if your "new pastor"
told you that God's plan for you is to be strong and live on your own.
BTW, I am a self-proclaimed pastor of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
so you wouldn't even be lying.

I have full custody of the kids. He does have visitation rights but he has never visited or asked to be able to get them since I moved. He doesn't seem angry right now and he would have to make a long trip to physically harm me. I don't think he would do that but I don't take any risks either. I have plenty of locks and deadbolts on my doors and I always check before I open the door. I am not required to give him my address so I haven't done that and so far my mother hasn't gone that far. I did share some of the gruesome details until my mother turned into a 3 year old and covered her ears saying she couldn't stand to hear any more. If we didn't depend on the child support I would wish he'd just move back to Guatemala and stay there. Soon I will be completely independent of him and I can just tell him to keep his money and forget about us.
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01-12-2013, 07:57 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(01-12-2013 12:58 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(01-12-2013 12:28 PM)black_squirrel Wrote:  This is indeed heart-breaking. Do you have custody of the children? Does he have visitation rights? Does he meet his children? I think you are doing the right thing,
move as far away from him as possible, and ignore him as much as possible. Every interaction will make it harder for him to let you go. Abusive people can become violent, so it is better to ignore them than to fight them. Is he angry with you?
(despite the sweet talking.) And do you feel he could harm you now?

Your mother seems to be more concerned about religion than about
your ex (or you for that matter). Perhaps you should give here the gruesome
details about your marriage, it might change her mind.

As a thought experiment, I wonder how your mother would react if you
said that you have met another nice Christian man. Or if your "new pastor"
told you that God's plan for you is to be strong and live on your own.
BTW, I am a self-proclaimed pastor of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
so you wouldn't even be lying.

I have full custody of the kids. He does have visitation rights but he has never visited or asked to be able to get them since I moved. He doesn't seem angry right now and he would have to make a long trip to physically harm me. I don't think he would do that but I don't take any risks either. I have plenty of locks and deadbolts on my doors and I always check before I open the door. I am not required to give him my address so I haven't done that and so far my mother hasn't gone that far. I did share some of the gruesome details until my mother turned into a 3 year old and covered her ears saying she couldn't stand to hear any more. If we didn't depend on the child support I would wish he'd just move back to Guatemala and stay there. Soon I will be completely independent of him and I can just tell him to keep his money and forget about us.

That sounds like a reasonably safe position to be in, good for you!

Official ordained minister of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Please pm me with prayer requests to his noodly goodness. Remember, he boiled for your sins and loves you. Carbo Diem! RAmen.
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01-12-2013, 11:45 PM
RE: Enough is enough
(01-12-2013 12:58 PM)LostandInsecure Wrote:  
(01-12-2013 12:28 PM)black_squirrel Wrote:  This is indeed heart-breaking. Do you have custody of the children? Does he have visitation rights? Does he meet his children? I think you are doing the right thing,
move as far away from him as possible, and ignore him as much as possible. Every interaction will make it harder for him to let you go. Abusive people can become violent, so it is better to ignore them than to fight them. Is he angry with you?
(despite the sweet talking.) And do you feel he could harm you now?

Your mother seems to be more concerned about religion than about
your ex (or you for that matter). Perhaps you should give here the gruesome
details about your marriage, it might change her mind.

As a thought experiment, I wonder how your mother would react if you
said that you have met another nice Christian man. Or if your "new pastor"
told you that God's plan for you is to be strong and live on your own.
BTW, I am a self-proclaimed pastor of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
so you wouldn't even be lying.

I have full custody of the kids. He does have visitation rights but he has never visited or asked to be able to get them since I moved. He doesn't seem angry right now and he would have to make a long trip to physically harm me. I don't think he would do that but I don't take any risks either. I have plenty of locks and deadbolts on my doors and I always check before I open the door. I am not required to give him my address so I haven't done that and so far my mother hasn't gone that far. I did share some of the gruesome details until my mother turned into a 3 year old and covered her ears saying she couldn't stand to hear any more. If we didn't depend on the child support I would wish he'd just move back to Guatemala and stay there. Soon I will be completely independent of him and I can just tell him to keep his money and forget about us.

As painful as it must have been, it was good for your mother to hear what you went through. She may have a hard time processing what you told her. If she's prone to denial (her reaction sounds like that might be possible--you know her better), it might be a good idea to follow up. The purpose of the followup would not be to discuss the same difficult topic, but to reiterate that the reason you shared what happened was that you were concerned with your ex's contact with you, and you wanted to make sure your mother didn't share that and other contact information with your ex.

That's my advise anyway. Glad to hear your trip home turned out ok and you got through it all.
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