Eternal Closet
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08-06-2016, 10:23 PM
Eternal Closet
I've been doing some thinking. Tomorrow night I'm probably going to meet one of my mother's coworkers. He's intelligent, athletic (as in American Dream...) but not a good ol boy, and southern baptist but drinks craft beer. He's described by a LOT of women as handsome, charismatic, reserved, and mom said he's not nerdy nor is he preppy. Knowing what he does for a living, he makes six figures - so if we worked out and I wanted to go back to school, I could. If I wanted to be a stay at home mom and pop out more babies, I could. If I wanted to stay at my current position and travel on my off time, I could.

I don't want to lose my family over my lack of belief. I've already lost my husband - as shitty as that relationship was, I think it would have been reparable otherwise. Do I live in the closet forever? So long as it's a man that puts me first, I don't care if he's religious or not. But most religious men are going to want a "righteous" woman.

For those of you newer to the forum, I live in the American southeast. Just as religious as the Middle East, only we don't go beheading infidels.

I originally thought I would eventually tell my family, but after the past few months, the things I've heard my mother say, the support I've gotten as my life has went to shit...I just can't. It would also affect my son and his friends at school. The personal cost is just too great.

Oh. I got a call from his lawyer this afternoon. I've been asking my ex about why I haven't gotten any paperwork from the divorce decree - it's because I'm not divorced. He's supposed to be getting married in August. I have updated paperwork to sign on Friday - I'm getting an attorney and my mother to make sure I get what I want regarding child custody. I'm not getting fucked over any further. And if I don't get what I want...guess who's not getting married...

If I have any typos or grammar errors, I'm typing this through tears and I can hardly breathe. I hate secrets. I hate lies. It's so goddamn stressful. I barely have anyone as it is, I can't lose my family. The only people I've met in person that I've been completely open and honest with and not lost have been my brother and Stark - and Stark saw a muted, kicked puppy version of me. Certainly not the vibrant girl I've always been known to be. There are others on this forum that have gotten raw me, but there are thousands of miles between us. I don't know that I can trust anyone to know me, all of me, and not lose them. Oh, and my friend that I had for a little while - my ex boyfriend's sister - she stopped talking to me. Yes, I became friends with his sister. Very few people see *me*. So yeh, that one stings. Granted a large portion of that is because she was afraid her brother would find out we were friends. She didn't even know he and I dated as long as we did. I was a dirty little secret for over half a year. I had no idea he was still in love with his ex girlfriend, and he never introduced me to any of his friends and I have so little self worth I put up with it (there's more to it than that, but that's what it boils down to...).

So my point of this post...I don't know. Advice maybe? I'm so lost. And hurt. I stand to lose everyone that's important to me if I come out. And if I don't, it's a silent heavy burden to bear that my faith is a lie. I don't want to end up alone. I'm so lonely already.

Fuck religion. Aaaand as my favorite post from EK would say, with a cactus.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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08-06-2016, 10:39 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
Sadcryface Hug

It's hard to believe I'm saying this, but in some (okay in a lot of) ways I am kind of glad my ex-husband outed me because I don't know if I'd have been able to on my own. I had no plans of ever telling my parents and well, the ex kind of circumvented that and outed me to them anyway (whilst our marriage was on the rocks).

I hate seeing you having to go to church so much and pretend like this. I don't know that I could handle it. I know I wouldn't handle it well. Undecided I hate seeing it even more knowing how much better it is for me being out to at least the most important people to me - my mom, my kids, and Rev of course but he knew that from the get-go. My mom and kids are all in a sort of denial, but even my mom doesn't pester me too badly. Better than it was when I had to keep it all stuffed down. I'm not out at work or anything, but that doesn't matter so much to me.

I wish I knew what to say. You deserve to be able to be yourself. Hug

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08-06-2016, 11:04 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
Advice? Dont' compromise yourself. Live straight-up, stand tall, and let others wonder at the whirlwind that passes them by.

Easy to say? Sure. Easy to live, not so much. But it works for me. Following this course, you'll need to ignore, or at least minimize, your fears.

Like any advice I give online, this advice is worth every penny you paid for it. Wish I had more, and wiser, words to say.
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09-06-2016, 03:01 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
I don't know if I can really give advice, I'm certainly not qualified to do so.
There seem to be huge advantages to your staying in the closet, financial, family etc. However can you live a lie for a long time? I couldn't, I hate going to church for weddings and funerals no matter about normal services. I have no doubt that you could do so for a while but I fear that over time resentment will build up and eventually you will snap.
I know our circumstances are totally different, especially what is expected of us over religion and I just don't understand how imaginary friends can break up families, hence my lack of qualification to advise you
All I can really say is think about it very carefully. whatever you decide there are very decent people here who have your back and will support you whatever you decide. Think what is best for Nurse in the long run. Nobody else matters with the exception of your kids.

best wishes

Oh, I didn't give any advice after all.

What do you mean Life is short. It's the longest thing you're going to do.
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09-06-2016, 03:15 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
I'm not the best person to offer any advice on this but I'll try anyway.

What I'm thinking is, that if I've learned anything from hanging around this forum for as long as we both have, it's that you are not alone.

At least, by that I mean that you are not the only gay in the village (Little Britain reference).

The question then becomes... how to connect with the other people in your area who are going through the same shit?

If you can find them, then you will get to a stage of being alone together (if that makes sense)... a group you can be 'out' with.

It's quite possible that a small subset of that group will be hot/rich/male/caring/romantic enough to be worthy of further investment.

Summary: Don't start by looking for the 'one'. Start by looking for the many and then let the one find you.


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09-06-2016, 03:29 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
My only advice is not to sail under a false flag.

There is no future in a relationship that starts out with secrets.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
[Image: flagstiny%206.gif]
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09-06-2016, 03:52 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
What DLJ said. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Whatever happens, you know you'll be amongst friends here.

The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike
Excreta Tauri Sapientam Fulgeat (The excrement of the bull causes wisdom to flee)
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09-06-2016, 04:25 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
Nothing in life is worthwhile if you are not able to be yourself. You need to live your own life, not someone else's otherwise you will always be unhappy. It is the fundamental right of everyone to live as themselves and denying someone this right is the root cause of all bigotry.

Throughout history people have suffered a lot to live their own lives. It's not a choice, it's what needs to be done. Anything else is a living prison, temporary in nature. It's why trans people risk daily ostracisation, physical, verbal, sexual and physical assault by transitioning. It's why black activists risk being lynched in America, or gay activists being lashed or hung in the middle east.

But you don't need to do this alone.
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09-06-2016, 04:56 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
(08-06-2016 10:23 PM)Nurse Wrote:  And if I don't get what I want...guess who's not getting married...

Guess who's getting what she wants ? Tongue

Quote:I had no idea he was still in love with his ex girlfriend, and he never introduced me to any of his friends

Classic "user" / manipulation scenario.

I think you should consider "another way". Basically (as I see it), it's really none of anyone's business what anyone's "beliefs" are. It's just irrelevant on a practical basis. (Maybe that's cuz it's a non issue where I come from). In many ways, they (beliefs) change for most believers, almost from day to day. Believers don't really even know, (for the most part) what they are saying when they say "I believe in bla bla bla"). I think you should :
a. find a formal way to hook up with others socially (groups of non-believers and/or other very liberal types (Quakers ets) ...
b. find another set of useful "verbage" to describe yourself when the question arises .. and/or change the subject. Something like "Christians say *God is love* ... I value love very highly. I guess I have Christian values". Other than that, I'm always seeking ... bla bla bla". (That is all really believers *mean* when they do their "I believe in God" language. Just power up you "translator', and talk their language. I don't think that's dishonest. OR, find a way to firmly say "It's none of your fucking business".

Insufferable know-it-all.Einstein It is objectively immoral to kill innocent babies. Please stick to the guilty babies.
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09-06-2016, 05:14 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
When you're alone - almost ANYTHING can look good.....

Even being with someone it'll never work out with...


The only thing that's worse?

Actually being with that person......


Remember your ex? He's "ex" for a reason.

Don't hook up with someone that's likely to be your next ex...



I'm a double atheist. I don't believe in your god or your politician.
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