Eternal Closet
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09-06-2016, 05:19 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
(09-06-2016 04:56 AM)Bucky Ball Wrote:  
(08-06-2016 10:23 PM)Nurse Wrote:  And if I don't get what I want...guess who's not getting married...

Guess who's getting what she wants ? Tongue

Quote:I had no idea he was still in love with his ex girlfriend, and he never introduced me to any of his friends

Classic "user" / manipulation scenario.

I think you should consider "another way". Basically (as I see it), it's really none of anyone's business what anyone's "beliefs" are. It's just irrelevant on a practical basis. (Maybe that's cuz it's a non issue where I come from). In many ways, they (beliefs) change for most believers, almost from day to day. Believers don't really even know, (for the most part) what they are saying when they say "I believe in bla bla bla"). I think you should :
a. find a formal way to hook up with others socially (groups of non-believers and/or other very liberal types (Quakers ets) ...
b. find another set of useful "verbage" to describe yourself when the question arises .. and/or change the subject. Something like "Christians say *God is love* ... I value love very highly. I guess I have Christian values". Other than that, I'm always seeking ... bla bla bla". (That is all really believers *mean* when they do their "I believe in God" language. Just power up you "translator', and talk their language. I don't think that's dishonest. OR, find a way to firmly say "It's none of your fucking business".

I think, for me... In terms of hookups, I'd rather go with letting them know. On the other hand, I don't bring religion up unless it naturally comes up as part of the conversation. Some people might be religious, but they don't care all that much. It's a waste of someone hot if you don't fuck 'em Big Grin But if they do bring it up, I do make it clear (not in a nasty way) where I stand. Then the ball's in their court...

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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09-06-2016, 05:38 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
I'm sorry. If I were in your position, I would stay in the closet too but try to make an escape plan. Even if it was just a fantasy.

I also think that there's so much emotional turmoil in your life right now that maybe just dating for fun is a good idea. The One might sneak up on you, but even if not, you'll be having a somewhat good time while your heart heals.
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09-06-2016, 05:38 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
Don't start any kind of romantic relationship until you get things sorted out.

You describe being manipulated in past relationships. You post now that you are lonely, confused and uncertain, that you feel unable to confide in family and friends. Add to all that, the burden of a belief system that you desire to keep secret.

It sounds like you are in a vulnerable situation and that's not a good place to start a relationship.

Help for the living. Hope for the dead. ~ R.G. Ingersoll

Freedom offers opportunity. Opportunity confers responsibility. Responsibility to use the freedom we enjoy wisely, honestly and humanely. ~ Noam Chomsky
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09-06-2016, 05:47 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
You are obviously on the brink of coming out yourself or this wouldn't be such a struggle. I am sorry that it pains you so much. I have no advice but to say I found living my own true life to be personally the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. There is such a freedom that really cannot be explained.

I will also add something I often say to parents struggling with big decisions which directly involve their children:

What would you advise your child to do if this situation were theirs? Because basically you are teaching your child to live a life, so do you teach him to be miserable and sacrifice his life for others or do you teach him it's okay to be yourself and live his own true life. Ultimately, I feel you are on the brink and it could go either way.

I want to add, though you didn't ask and it's not my business at all so feel free to ignore.... I fear you want to jump back into a permanent relationship right away and I question whether that is a good thing. You haven't even met this guy and you stated "if this works out...", my concern is that you're looking for the happy ending to something, when in fact you don't even have a story yet. I understand this and have lived it myself but I also know it has may dangers to this kind of wish fulfillment motivation.

My advice is to find a counselor and do work first. I know we've all heard it before but it really is true, it's not the destination but the journey. I fear you are living for the "end" results rather than the day by day enjoyment of life. I think a counselor would help you more than a prospective husband.

Be well, I hope you find some peace of mind whichever way you decide. Smile

[Image: dnw9krH.jpg?4]
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09-06-2016, 06:52 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
Staying in the closet as far as society in general is concerned is one thing. It's not ideal but generally can be done.

Staying in the closet around your family - you are doing it and I bet you are not even aware of the extent of stress you suffer because of that.

Staying in the closet around the person you want to share your life with - bad, bad idea. You are looking at this person as someone to facilitate your living a certain life style. You are willing to live a lie to get that. It's manipulative and most likely will backfire.

A good relationship is when you are partners. You can't build a partnership on a lie, sooner or later resentment will pop up when either you get frustrated with faking stuff or he figures out you have been living a lie.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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09-06-2016, 07:02 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
Secrets never work. And to be honest I am not sure how some people who become or are atheists make it work with religious people. I have certainly had no success what-so-ever and no one that I know personally has had any success either. Being surrounded by nothing but theists has made it easy to stay single and focus on my kids. The right person may or may not come along however, I am not going to waste any time worrying about it.

I am going back to school and I figure between that and my kids I won't have any free time anyways.

As far as being in the closet. I am not in the closet per se. However, I make no efforts that may cause someone to think I am religious. It is up to them to figure it out, I have no intentions of sitting everyone down and telling them.
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09-06-2016, 08:10 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
Hug

Don't ever impose limitations on yourself just to please another.

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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09-06-2016, 08:31 AM
RE: Eternal Closet
Many good bits of advice here. I won't add anything in as I feel much of it has been said and well said. I am sorry for what you are enduring.
Hug
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09-06-2016, 04:07 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
(08-06-2016 10:23 PM)Nurse Wrote:  I'm typing this through tears and I can hardly breathe. I hate secrets. I hate lies. It's so goddamn stressful.

I think you just answered your question.

Quote:I've been doing some thinking. Tomorrow night I'm probably going to meet one of my mother's coworkers. He's intelligent, athletic (as in American Dream...) but not a good ol boy, and southern baptist but drinks craft beer. He's described by a LOT of women as handsome, charismatic, reserved, and mom said he's not nerdy nor is he preppy. Knowing what he does for a living, he makes six figures - so if we worked out and I wanted to go back to school, I could. If I wanted to be a stay at home mom and pop out more babies, I could. If I wanted to stay at my current position and travel on my off time, I could.

You've been around here long enough to see some of the hellish shit that can go down when somebody in a marriage gets outted. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in the closet living with both the lie and that fear? He isn't the only man out there. If he doesn't love all of you then fuck him.

Quote:I don't want to lose my family over my lack of belief.

If they love you so little that their imaginary friend comes first then they aren't family. Not in any meaningful sense of the word. It may be rough but if they truly love you then they will love you for who you are.

If you feel that you have to stay in the closet with them then you absolutely have to find a husband you can confide in. You're going to need the release and the support.

Quote:I've been asking my ex about why I haven't gotten any paperwork from the divorce decree - it's because I'm not divorced.

And you are dating amidst this emotional rollercoaster?!? Get your life in order first so that you don't end up settling for something second-rate.

First, make your ex officially ex. Sounds like a great bargaining position he's given you and it's a relatively simple problem compared to the rest.

Second, figure out family. In or out, and how you're going to handle it.

Last, find mister right. Kick the tires on this one by all means but that doesn't mean you have to buy it.

Quote:I'm so lost. And hurt. I stand to lose everyone that's important to me if I come out.

You don't want to bring that to a marriage.

Quote:Fuck religion. Aaaand as my favorite post from EK would say, with a cactus.

Sideways and twice on Sunday.

---
Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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09-06-2016, 04:14 PM
RE: Eternal Closet




Don't let the sunlight blast your shadow
Don't let the milk float ride your mind
They're so naturally religiously unkind

Oh no, love, you're not alone...

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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