Eternal Closet
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09-06-2016, 05:51 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
(09-06-2016 03:29 AM)Chas Wrote:  My only advice is not to sail under a false flag.

There is no future in a relationship that starts out with secrets.

^^^^^
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09-06-2016, 06:44 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
I want you to know, for what little it's worth, that you are kinda a personal heroine of mine. You have a strength I can't even imagine let alone replicate and I wanted you to know that. You're self sacrificing and giving in a world full of villains, eloquent and elegant, brave and beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, and a joy to converse with. Your son is truly lucky to have such a mother.

Those of noble spirit don't get enough praise. You're my hero, and we all love you very much!

When valour preys on reason, it eats the sword it fights with.
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09-06-2016, 09:21 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
We are here for you. You have only met one of the community, but we all share something in common. Hang in there. Hug

"If we are honest—and scientists have to be—we must admit that religion is a jumble of false assertions, with no basis in reality.
The very idea of God is a product of the human imagination."
- Paul Dirac
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09-06-2016, 09:46 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
HeartHeartHeart

Very tired. Lots to do. Your words are all very appreciated - I will respond in full later tomorrow after dealing with movers and attorneys. HoboThe Titanic

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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09-06-2016, 10:15 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
(09-06-2016 05:14 AM)onlinebiker Wrote:  When you're alone - almost ANYTHING can look good.....

(09-06-2016 05:38 AM)Fatbaldhobbit Wrote:  Don't start any kind of romantic relationship until you get things sorted out.
This. So much this. I've never been married, but my most serious relationship was definitely going that direction, as discussed it and plans for it. We'd been together for three years, thought I knew everything about her, and was shopping for a ring when I got dumped via text and informed she had been masturbating in front of a male friend. It was devastating and I didn't date again for about four years, until I was desperate and alone and then it was a few short lived and toxic relationships, which in the right place mentally, I'd have never considered.

You've been through worse than that. You've had a child, been...well going to be divorced, etc. You've dealt with a lot of emotional manipulation that no one should go through. From the sound of it, he's still trying to manipulate you, and is a total bastard for that reason alone. Bu in trying to get remarried, he's giving you a hell of a spot to bargain from in the divorce terms.

Like WhiskeyDebates said, you're strong in a way most people are not. And an inspiration.

(09-06-2016 06:52 AM)Dom Wrote:  Staying in the closet around your family - you are doing it and I bet you are not even aware of the extent of stress you suffer because of that.
Having tasted a microcosm of this with the parents visiting and now visiting them (no NPR, none of the podcasts I listen to, pretty much sneaking on TTA when no one is looking, listening constantly to KLOVE in the car, having to hear about an Evangelical church constantly from my mom's friends, and feeling oddly conflicted at my cousin bowing to pressure to take her kids to Vacation Bible School), have to agree with Dom. To someone constantly under the stress, it may not be something really noticeable, but the strain really is there.

In the end, you are you. Lots of folks have given some great advice, but you're the one who will decide what to do in the end and what's best for you and for your son. Like Organic Chemist said, hang in there.

Need to think of a witty signature.
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12-06-2016, 12:21 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
I think everyone's level of coming out of the atheist closet is different. Some people tell everyone. Others tell a few close people and are happy doing just that. Others happily stay in the closet because knowing they are free is enough for them.

Several people know in my life, there are a few that don't (because their knowing I was an atheist would be extremely stressful for them and gives me zero stress that they still think I am a Christian). That said, I don't act Christian-y anymore. I never say I am praying for anyone and never say I am "feeling blessed." I carry myself as an atheist. I just don't shout it from the rooftops because I personally don't feel any need to. If someone flat out asks me if I am an atheist, I would certainly tell them I was. I still go to church on occasion for my mom. Mostly on holidays, but have gone on other occasions as well. I go with the same mindset as I would if I was going to a book club. I still celebrate Christian holidays but not for Jesus, I do it for the free gifts and candy lol.

I am not someone who believes in labels. Some people feel you can only be an atheist if you tell *everyone.* But being free means you don't exist by labels--you make your own reality and whatever that is for you is what it is for you.

I think the bottom line is you need to do what makes you happy, what makes you feel at peace. Whatever that is--then that is the right decision. *hugs*
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18-06-2016, 05:10 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
Well, it's obviously you're in a lot of pain, and honestly it really saddens me that you are. You're such a sweet woman, you don't really deserve this, at all. I'm here if you need anything!

I think that starting a relationship with (let alone marrying) someone who holds different beliefs than you is already very hard, it can lead to some contrasts, especially with children around. And if you do it without even disclosing your personal views, it's even worse. Personally, I wouldn't start a relationship with that premise, because it's going to fail, I'm fairly certain of that.

About your family, well, this is a complex issue. I have the impression things are different here, and my personal experience was not bad as some of you have experienced here, luckily. Personally I don't care about going to church if somebody invites us for a wedding, I like wearing a suit & tie.

Honestly, I have written and deleted this answer a million times, I suck at giving advice. But basically, I agree with the sentiment that others expressed: live your life as you see fit. Labels are secondary, you do what you want to do. This is your life, it's your only life. Do what makes you happy. You and your children. That's what counts. Hug <3

孤独 - The Out Crowd
Life is a flash of light between two eternities of darkness.
[Image: Schermata%202014-10-24%20alle%2012.39.01.png]
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18-06-2016, 05:49 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
(09-06-2016 09:46 PM)Nurse Wrote:  HeartHeartHeart

Very tired. Lots to do. Your words are all very appreciated - I will respond in full later tomorrow after dealing with movers and attorneys. HoboThe Titanic

Moving? Attorneys? What did I miss?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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18-06-2016, 09:14 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
Sorry, the little time I had to respond I got distracted by another thread, and then I've been working. The advice here was soooooo extremely helpful. Thank you all.

My ex is trying to get me to sign paperwork disclosing my current income, and while they said they were updating the child custody agreement since I've moved and that is what I would be signing, they didn't update it at all - I stood him up and had him email me the documents. I've hired an attorney. If I have to go to court to get what I want, I will - I don't have a rent payment standing in my way and I can afford it.

I'm no longer going to entertain the thought of dating a Christian - talk about some valid points made here. Too much stress that I don't need, and yeh, I should be able to be my complete self with my partner. Sure, there aren't many atheists in the area. But they are out there. In fact, I started talking to one a few days ago who I have a lot in common with. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, it's certainly giving me relief that the atheist dating pool is large enough that I don't have to date religitards just so I won't be lonely. I'm also not feeling lonely anymore - being back around family is really helping. I also have had old friends inviting me out. I see my son a lot more.

I think that's been my mistake in the past. I have settled because I was lonely. It helps to be aware of that - hard to fix it if you don't understand the problem.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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18-06-2016, 11:57 PM
RE: Eternal Closet
Well, don't dismiss a guy as a potential partner just because he's a Christian; that would make you as bigoted as the worst of them. If he is willing to love you exactly as you are, and to accept that religion is a decision each person must make on their own without coercion or judgment, and is scientifically literate, then I can't see why it'd ever come between you. Just because so many of them don't fit into that category doesn't mean they all do.

I'd say you should kick them to the curb the instant they show any signs of fundamentalist, anti-science, or exclusionist thinking.

On the other hand, there are lots of nice atheist guys out there. I'd volunteer if I wasn't taken, ya cutie! Smile

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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