Everything that sucks
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10-12-2016, 07:49 PM
Everything that sucks
Feel like I need to vent a bit about everything in my life that sucks. Tongue

So, I was born with a genetic disorder called VCFS. It caused a heart defect, hearing problems, feeding problems and a triple hernia. These issues were thankfully fixed with surgeries, however I believe it stunted my childhood development to some degree, and it is known that people who are born with the disorder can develop things like autism later on, which I was diagnosed with (though I'm high functioning).

This brings me to the next issue, with regards to my social anxiety. For whatever reason, I am unable to raise my voice over a certain volume (I've tried), and because of this a lot of things appear to be impossible for me. I cannot yell, for example. I also cannot talk to people in loud environments, since they cannot hear me. At work I have to write to people if I need to ask them something. I think this voice issue is the main reason for my anxiety, and if it were somehow fixed, I would not have the anxiety.

Third issue, which is a whole lot of family bullshit that occurred in the past few years. My brother ruined his life, and was charged with possession of child pornography. He is now a registered sex offender. I was there when the police were at our house for a few hours, and I was the first one to learn about it. All I felt during that time was dread. The memories of that day still replay repeatedly.

Some number of weeks after that, my father had a mental breakdown. He was abusing alcohol with sleep medication, and this produced a reaction in him that was nearly violent. He threatened my brother twice and was pounding on the door on two separate nights. The first time it happened I remember my brother saying worriedly, "I feel like something terrible is going to happen". Fortunately my father didn't follow through with his threats. Oh, and he was suicidal. Forgot to mention that.

I had much difficulty forgiving him. One night he called and asked me why I had difficulty forgiving him (as though it wasn't obvious, but hey, he was drunk), so I explained why. His response was that things would get worse because of me, and anything that might happen is my fault. That was the end of that conversation.

It took a few months before my brother, who eventually reconciled with my father and moved out of my mother's to live with him after an argument (because my brother totally didn't ruin his life or anything), decided to get me to talk with him. My father wanted to reconcile with me, but shot himself in the foot after he described his actions as "minor incidents". But since my brother would keep asking me about whether I've forgiven my father yet, I decided to pretend to forgive him just so he'd stop asking.

Things are quiet for a while after that. Slowly but surely though, cracks start to appear in my brother's living arrangement. The only thing I know of that was a big issue was my brother tried to get my father to quit drinking, since my brother's a good boy Christian now and all rehabilitated, so he wanted to help, I guess. This didn't sit well with my father, and eventually they actually had a fight (which occurred earlier this year), and my brother moved back with my mother. Once again my brother reconciles with my father, and my father says "I don't want you to hate me" (aw, how sweet!).

My mother also drinks and basically gets drunk every night before she goes to sleep, but she's sober during the day. There was one time she vomited blood due to a reaction to medication she was taking, so I called 911, and she refused to go to the hospital. The second time she got a cut on her forehead from falling on her nightstand and was screaming for which I also called 911 because she couldn't help herself, and had to get stitches. Thanks for that memory.

More recently, several months ago she got a DUI and was in jail for a night, so I had to drive her to places occasionally because she's clearly not a competent adult. She also had a freak out and was saying things like "no one can tell me I can't drink in my own home" as though that gives me a better impression of her. My brother consoled her. Thanks for that memory too.

Not sure what else to mention. I think that's most of it. Sorry for being anti-climactic.
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10-12-2016, 08:17 PM
RE: Everything that sucks
That's a lot to deal with. Hug I think if you can--getting to a psychiatrist would be very helpful for the anxiety and possibly a speech pathologist to help with the volume of your voice, if it's bothering you.

All that said, you should give yourself a lot of credit for getting a job and being an all around sweet person despite all of what you are dealing with in your home life. I'm glad that you are not letting them drag you down. Is there anyway you can move out to further get away from all of that?
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10-12-2016, 08:22 PM
RE: Everything that sucks
(10-12-2016 08:17 PM)jennybee Wrote:  That's a lot to deal with. Hug I think if you can--getting to a psychiatrist would be very helpful for the anxiety and possibly a speech pathologist to help with the volume of your voice, if it's bothering you.

All that said, you should give yourself a lot of credit for getting a job and being an all around sweet person despite all of what you are dealing with in your home life. I'm glad that you are not letting them drag you down. Is there anyway you can move out to further get away from all of that?

Thanks, I'm not sure how I'll move out yet, I'd have to work very hard at keeping my current job though, which I'm willing to do. That's the only way I can currently. I'm not sure how I'd find time for a speech pathologist. Might be able to get a psychiatrist.
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11-12-2016, 02:11 PM
RE: Everything that sucks
Holy shit dude Hug You're awesome. I don't got advice but you're amazing.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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25-12-2016, 10:44 AM
RE: Everything that sucks
Just found a pack of cigarettes near my mother's purse on the floor. Hoo boy. Dodgy

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25-12-2016, 11:13 AM
RE: Everything that sucks
I put them back in her purse. Definitely not going to bring it up today. Don't know if I feel like it at all.

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25-12-2016, 11:45 AM
RE: Everything that sucks
Hug

Heart
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