Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
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23-04-2012, 09:11 AM (This post was last modified: 23-04-2012 09:35 AM by Carlo_The_Bugsmasher_Driver.)
Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain
From The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/articles/evoluti...tain,2523/

DAYTON, TN—A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to
gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe
is an image of Charles Darwin—author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movement—made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.

"I brought my baby to touch the wall, so that the power of Darwin can
purify her genetic makeup of undesirable inherited traits," said
Darlene Freiberg, one among a growing crowd assembled here to see the
mysterious stain, which appeared last Monday on one side of the Rhea
County Courthouse. The building was also the location of the famed
"Scopes Monkey Trial" and is widely considered one of Darwinism's
holiest sites. "Forgive me, O Charles, for ever doubting your Divine
Evolution. After seeing this miracle of limestone pigmentation with my
own eyes, my faith in empirical reasoning will never again be tested."

Added Freiberg, "Behold the power and glory of the scientific method!"

Since witnesses first reported the unexplained marking—which appears
to resemble a 19th-century male figure with a high forehead and large
beard—this normally quiet town has become a hotbed of biological
zealotry. Thousands of pilgrims from as far away as Berkeley's
paleoanthropology department have flocked to the site to lay wreaths of
flowers, light devotional candles, read aloud from Darwin's works, and
otherwise pay homage to the mysterious blue-green stain.

Capitalizing on the influx of empirical believers, street vendors
have sprung up across Dayton, selling evolutionary relics and artwork to
the thousands of pilgrims waiting to catch a glimpse of the image.
Available for sale are everything from small wooden shards alleged to be
fragments of the "One True Beagle"—the research vessel on which Darwin
made his legendary voyage to the Galapagos Islands—to lecture notes
purportedly touched by English evolutionist Alfred Russel Wallace.

"I have never felt closer to Darwin's ideas," said zoologist Fred
Granger, who waited in line for 16 hours to view the stain. "May his
name be praised and his theories on natural selection echo in all the
halls of naturalistic observation forever."
Despite the enthusiasm the so-called "Darwin Smudge" has generated
among the evolutionary faithful, disagreement remains as to its origin.
Some believe the image is actually closer to the visage of Stephen Jay
Gould, longtime columnist for Natural History magazine and
originator of the theory of punctuated equilibrium, and is therefore
proof of rapid cladogenesis. A smaller minority contend it is the face
of Carl Sagan, and should be viewed as a warning to those nonbelievers
who have not yet seen his hit PBS series Cosmos: A Personal Voyage.

Still others have attempted to discredit the miracle entirely,
claiming that there are several alternate explanations for the
appearance of the unexplained discoloration.

"It's a stain on a wall, and nothing more," said the Rev. Clement
McCoy, a professor at Oral Roberts University and prominent opponent of
evolutionary theory. "Anything else is the delusional fantasy of a
fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in
the hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope
these heretics see the error of their ways before our Most Powerful God
smites them all in His vengeance."

But those who have made the long journey to Dayton remain steadfast
in their belief that natural selection—a process by which certain genes
are favored over others less conducive to survival—is the one and only
creator of life as we know it. This stain, they claim, is the proof they
have been waiting for.

"To those who would deny that genetic drift is responsible for a
branching evolutionary tree of increasing biodiversity amid changing
ecosystems, we say, 'Look upon the face of Darwin!'" said Jeanette
Cosgrove, who, along with members of her microbiology class, has
maintained a candlelight vigil at the site for the past 72 hours.

"Over millions of successive generations, a specific subvariant of
one species of slime mold adapted to this particular concrete wall, in
order to one day form this stain, and thus make manifest this vision of
Darwin's glorious countenance," Cosgrove said, overcome with emotion.

"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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24-04-2012, 11:59 AM
RE: Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
I love The Onion, especially when people think it's real. I would be willing to bet money that somewhere on the internet there is a creationist website with a thread pointing to this article as proof that evolution is a religion.
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24-04-2012, 12:26 PM
RE: Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
The 'Darwin Smudge'....awesome.
Clap
Clap
Clap

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24-04-2012, 12:53 PM (This post was last modified: 24-04-2012 12:56 PM by Carlo_The_Bugsmasher_Driver.)
RE: Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
(24-04-2012 11:59 AM)ghostexorcist Wrote:  I love The Onion, especially when people think it's real. I would be willing to bet money that somewhere on the internet there is a creationist website with a thread pointing to this article as proof that evolution is a religion.
I never saw that, but back when I was a fundamentalist Christian, I had someone forward me this story as an email about how evil the Harry Potter books were. It was copied word-for-word from the following Onion Article. I shit you not.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/harry-p...g-ch,2413/

Harry Potter Books Spark Rise In Satanism Among Children

July 26, 2000

LOCK HAVEN, PA—Ashley Daniels is as close as you can get to
your typical 9-year-old American girl. A third-grader at Lock Haven
Elementary School, she loves rollerblading, her pet hamsters Benny and
Oreo, Britney Spears, and, of course, Harry Potter. Having breezed
through the most recent Potter opus in just four days, Ashley is among
the millions of children who have made
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire the fastest-selling book in publishing history.

[Image: harry_potter_0_jpg_250x1000_q85.jpg]

And,like many of her school friends, Ashley was captivated enough by the
strange occult doings at the Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry
to pursue the Left-Hand Path, determined to become as adept at the black
arts as Harry and his pals.

"I used to believe in what they taught us at Sunday School," said
Ashley, conjuring up an ancient spell to summon Cerebus, the
three-headed hound of hell. "But the Harry Potter books showed me that
magic is real, something I can learn and use right now, and that the
Bible is nothing but boring lies."

Ashley is hardly the only child rejecting God these days. Weeks after
the release of Goblet, the fourth book in J.K. Rowling's blockbuster
kid-lit series, interest in witchcraft continues to skyrocket among
children. Across America, Satanic temples are filling to the rafters
with youngsters clamoring for instruction in summoning and conjuring.

Over protests from Christian Right leaders, who oppose the books for
containing magic—and, by extension, Satanic religious beliefs—millions
of children are willing their bodies and souls to Lucifer in unholy
blood covenants. In 1995, it was estimated that some 100,000 Americans,
mostly adults, were involved in devil-worship groups. Today, more than
14 million children alone belong to the Church of Satan, thanks largely
to the unassuming boy wizard from 4 Privet Drive.

"The Harry Potter books are cool, 'cause they teach you all about
magic and how you can use it to control people and get revenge on your
enemies," said Hartland, WI, 10-year-old Craig Nowell, a recent convert
to the New Satanic Order Of The Black Circle. "I want to learn the
Cruciatus Curse, to make my muggle science teacher suffer for giving me a
D."

"Hermione is my favorite, because she's smart and has a kitty," said
6-year-old Jessica Lehman of Easley, SC. "Jesus died because He was
weak and stupid."

But as wild as children are about Harry, no one is happier about the
phenomenon than old-school Satanists, who were struggling to recruit
new members prior to the publication of the first
Potter book in 1997.

"Harry
is an absolute godsend to our cause," said High Priest Egan of the
First Church Of Satan in Salem, MA. "An organization like ours thrives
on new blood—no pun intended—and we've had more applicants than we can
handle lately. And, of course, practically all of them are virgins,
which is gravy."



With membership in Satanic temples reaching critical mass in some
areas, many children have been forced to start their own organizations
to worship the Lord Of Lies. Houston 11-year-old Bradley Winters, who
purchased
Goblet Of Fire with his own allowance money at the
stroke of midnight on July 8, organized his own club, Potterites To
Destroy Jesus, with his neighborhood pals. An admission fee of $6.66
grants membership to any applicant willing to curse the name of God and
have a lightning bolt carved into his or her forehead with an iron
dagger.

"The
Harry Potter books are awesome!" Winters said. "When I grow up, I'm going to learn Necromancy and summon greater demons to Earth."

It's more than just the kiddie set and Satanists, however, who are
rejoicing over Harry's success. Educators nationwide are praising the
books for getting children excited about reading.

"It's almost impossible to find a book that can compete with
those PlayStation games, but Harry Potter has done it," said Gulfport
(MS) Middle School principal Frank Grieg. "I have this one student in
the fifth grade who'd never read a book before in his life. Now he's
read
Sorcerer's Stone, Prisoner Of Azkaban, Chamber Of Secrets, Goblet Of Fire, The Seven Scrolls Of The Black Rose, The Necronomicon, The Satanic Bible, The Origin Of Species—you name it."

Less pleased are Christian leaders, who see Pottermania as a serious threat to their way of life.

"Children are very impressionable," said Dr. Andrea Collins of Focus
On Faith, a Denver-based Christian think-tank and advocacy group. "These
books do not merely depict one or two uses of magic spells or crystal
balls. We're talking about hundreds of occult invocations. The natural,
intuitive leap from reading a Harry Potter book to turning against God
and worshipping Satan is very easy for a child to make, as the numbers
have shown."

"These books are truly magical," Collins added, "and therefore dangerous."

But such protests are falling on largely deaf ears, especially in the case of Harry's creator.

"I think it's absolute rubbish to protest children's books on the
grounds that they are luring children to Satan," Rowling told a
London Times
reporter in a July 17 interview. "People should be praising them for
that! These books guide children to an understanding that the weak,
idiotic Son Of God is a living hoax who will be humiliated when the rain
of fire comes, and will suck the greasy cock of the Dark Lord while we,
his faithful servants, laugh and cavort in victory."



"IN THRUST WE TRUST"

"We were conservative Jews and that meant we obeyed God's Commandments until His rules became a royal pain in the ass."

- Joel Chastnoff, The 188th Crybaby Brigade
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25-04-2012, 07:42 AM
RE: Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
I think he looks like more like binladen.
Funny stuff though Big Grin
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25-04-2012, 11:34 AM
RE: Evolutionists Flock To Darwin-Shaped Wall Stain (Humor)
"Hermione is my favorite, because she's smart and has a kitty," said 6-year-old Jessica Lehman of Easley, SC. "Jesus died because He was weak and stupid."
:roflmao:

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