Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
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05-05-2014, 10:02 AM
Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
It's been pretty bitter sweet. It's sometimes overwhelming when I actually have the ability to think for myself now. The best way do describe it is like jumping into a pool of ice cold water. So cool and and refreshing a host day but sometimes my body can't handle it.


It's beautiful to be myself and think for myself but for the past two weeks I've hit another depressive dip. I know it'll go back up again though. Just this transition is quite emotionally draining.


My wife is a couple steps behind me, she finally hit the "my family will never be understanding" realization. It hurts me to see her hurt. But I'm glad I can be there for her. Her family is apostolic, so she's had quite the difficult religious experience her whole life. I really admire her. She's now agnostic, I'm atheist.


But anyways. I've just been depressed. But this depression is so much easier to deal with than in the past. I don't have people saying it's because of sin, or I have to pray, or need Jesus, or some bullshit like that in the past.



I can now just do real things like meditate (secular- the act of slowing down, taking a couple deep breaths, trying to clear my mind, address negative emotions, love myself for a while, focus on my low self esteem and insecurities), I can play my piano, I can excersize, I take my meds, go on a hike, study science, build websites and learn more code, wander the beautiful city of San Diego, and I wait for my therapist appointment on the 20th and I need to talk to her about my suicidal ideation. All these things give me hope. The depression is so much easier to deal with without the distraction of riddiculous religious remedies, especially mormon remedies.



I'm atheist but I like to study other religions and to tell you the truth, I sometimes hope it'll make sense and I'll have that eureka moment.


Yesterday I was kind of hoping for that and bought this book from the Self Realization Fellowship on the autobiography of their "guru." Ugh, what a dissapointment. I like yoga too as an exercise but it's religious implications just make me depressed.


I'm just glad there is atheist's down here in San Diego that I'm becoming friends with because sometimes I feel really guilty and broken that I can't believe in a god, and that religion doesn't make sense to me.


Only science, and music, and nature, and my fellow human beings make sense to me. It's so real to me and makes me so happy, I find no importance in the supernatural. But I guess the 20 years of mormon teachings still linger in my mind, haunting me. The terrible experiences in the church linger behind me and it's stench sometimes paralyzes me.



Just so many regrets from being mormon, I didn't even have a choice and they indoctrinated me.



I've kind of lost my motivation this last two weeks, it'll come back though.


I'm mad at mormonism, christianity, and everything else. It depresses me.


Anyways, I'm just rambling right now, I'm a bit of a mess right now.


Plus, our only car is broken and I have to wait till thursday to fix it, that's when I get paid. And I don't make a lot of money. Only $10/hour. I'm just trying to make a better life for my wife. Trying to find a better job and a job closer. it's 60 miles round trip every time i go to work. We're always one paycheck away from being homeless basically, and we're always 2 weeks behind on bill. Plus I got fat. I stuff my feelings with shit food. I smoke sometimes and when I do I get sick of the nicotene. When I drink I drink to get drunk (once a week).


So whatever...I'll get through it. It's a monday anyways.


I hope all of you are having a nice monday. Smile

"A man should look for what is, and not for what he thinks should be."- Albert Einstein.

"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special." Steven Hawking
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05-05-2014, 10:07 AM
RE: Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
Hug

I'm pretty sure I'm on the other side of the planet from yourself so all I can offer is a small 'interweb shoulder' but some one who was just words on a screen was there for me when life gave me a good kicking. (As always, much thanks and appreciation Diinzumo)

Am sure lots of other folks will be in to offer help and stuff soon.

Best wishes.
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05-05-2014, 10:12 AM
RE: Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
Channel the anger!

Bomb an embassy tabernacle

Angel

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05-05-2014, 10:26 AM
RE: Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
Since I'm in a similar position, the best thing I can offer is a quick sentence:

You're not alone.

Atir aissom atir imon
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05-05-2014, 10:45 AM
RE: Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
HugHugHug

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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05-05-2014, 12:22 PM
RE: Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
(05-05-2014 10:02 AM)elconquistador Wrote:  I like yoga too as an exercise but it's religious implications just make me depressed.

Hmm... what sort of yoga material do you have?
I recommend books rather than videos.

Try to find books that concentrate on body poses only and keep everything simple until you are able to add some creativity to your workouts. By creativity, I mean just putting together a few basic, concentrated poses. With practice, try for poses that work the body in challenging ways and always in a balanced way = don't just do the ones you like and if you try a pose bending forward, balance it by doing one bending backward. Keep it simple, especially at first. And do not have some "goal". A goal can confuse focus - it is a distraction.

While trying to get into the positions is important to have an inner monologue and that it be your monologue. It's much more of an accomplishment to be able to focus your own mind well enough to shut it the hell up. This is why I recommend books with pictures rather than videos.

I do not recommend classes with other people until one has been doing it for quite a while, if ever - they are a distraction. (Eventually though, it is great if you want to be social and share tips.)

Hatha yoga focuses on physical and mental strength building exercises and postures - that other stuff is bullshit a distraction. Books with Hatha postures will usually present a variety of techniques. Once you get the hang of and keep practicing the basics, you will be able to incorporate and create your own techniques tailored to your needs.

IMPORTANT: Understand and practice the basics then, just use the pictures.

The only book I would (and do) ever recommend is Richard Hittleman Yoga 28 Day Exercise Plan. From the photos, one might think it is geared more toward the female with "beauty tips" or something. It is but, these are the very same things that would be advised if the photos were of a male. So there.

It was written in the 60s so, you get to look at the girl next door covered head to toe in the most unrevealing leotard ever... they don't make'm like that anymore. Tongue

WOW! check it out... it's now FREE to download: http://www.ebook3000.com/Richard-Hittlem...64840.html

I guess if you want to fiddle with a tablet or computer screen... this might be the way to go. I'd still recommend book form... it's cheap and the larger paperback size is easy to view.

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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05-05-2014, 12:24 PM
RE: Exmormon To Atheist Freedom and Depression
Try martial arts?

A person very dear to me was badly hurt through a misunderstanding and miscommunication. For this, I am sorry, and he knows it. That said, any blaming me for malicious intent is for the birds. I will not wear some scarlet letter, I will not be anybody's whipping girl, and I will not lurk in silence.
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