Fade to Black
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17-04-2013, 04:29 AM (This post was last modified: 17-04-2013 05:00 AM by Peanut.)
Fade to Black
I'm not necessarily writing in this forum for advice. I just happened to want to write and not have the added worry that others will respond in a rude way; I'm free to say what I want, I guess. I choose to post on TTA forum because I feel comfortable in saying what's on my mind here. I apologize for the tone.

I'm sleeping on the couch again. I may be rather short in stature, but this is one of the most uncomfortable places to lay for any length of time. I choose to lay here because I don't want to sleep in the same room as someone with which I don't share the love I used to. I'm living a lie and I'm tired of it. I'm so tired.

I keep looking at the clock. I'm about to watch the sunrise for the second day in a row. I've rubbed the tired from my eyes as the birds sing outside too many times this week. I love the sound of birds chirping; I find it unsettling when I hear them right at sunrise. I didn't wake from a sweet dream due to their pleasant birdsong; I yawned a final yawn and stretched my achy limbs, aware that sleep eluded me yet again.

I don't drink coffee and I hate energy drinks. I have nothing to help me to "wake up" and help my son get ready for school. I strive to make his mornings pleasant, despite how cranky and irritated I get when he refuses to brush his teeth or put on the shirt that I chose for him to wear. I refuse to raise my voice in the morning; One slip of the tongue by mommy will be his first waking memory and I don't want him to begin his day thinking that he did something wrong.

I wish I could wear my pajamas for the ten minutes I'll be out of the house, but I can't do that; I must try and look the part of a responsible mother. (I'm not saying the parents who wear pajamas to drop their kids off are irresponsible. I just have extreme anxiety and I worry more than the average person. I don't want to be judged.) I'm an almost twenty-four year old mother of a six year old. It doesn't help that I get told I look like I'm under eighteen on a regular basis. With the "Teen Mom" shows glorified on television, I get "the look" all too often. Luckily, I turned eighteen a mere two months after giving birth to my son; When I tell people I have a six year old, they just assume I was a legal adult when I had him. That's something that gets me: Why are people automatically considered adults one morning, when only the previous day, they were considered "underage?" Why do I find comfort in knowing that people will see me as an adult with a child?

Anyway, once I drop him off, I will come back home and lay on the uncomfortable couch until he leaves for work four hours later. That is when I feel most comfortable in recent weeks. I feel alone and a little more content. I'm tired of our charade and I wonder if he gets the same relief when he leaves for work. We are just cohabitating and based on what's left of our nonexistent "relationship," one might assume we were simply roommates.

I have nobody to confide in about this. The one person I have always told everything, writes off my desire to leave as nothing more than some "unrealistic fantasy." Her opinion of the situation is "it's a 'sure thing,' Ash. Why would you want to leave when it has been so comfortable and he can provide for you and Bill? You're being childish." (She thinks that my "atheist friends" are turning me and influencing my every decision. She doesn't see how unhappy I've been for more than a year. She would rather I live a lie, than be truly happy.)

I don't know how much longer I can keep up this game with him. I can't see the start line. The future is black, nothingness. I have no idea where I will be even a few months from now.

The biggest issue I have with this situation is that I'm ready to leave, HE'S over our relationship and yet I can't be happy with anyone else because we haven't "officially" called it quits. (He's never even tried to convince me to give him a simple kiss for weeks! He has put forth no effort to try and keep me.) But I find some hope in this blackness, and I am happier than I've been in months, and then it's taken from me in an instant. What little hope I have left is hanging in the balance. And even if that hope is rejuvenated by some wonderful moment or magical words, I would still be looked at as a bad person because of my current connection with another.

I fear I am not meant to be happy. I am here solely to ensure that my son has an overall good and happy life. My life stopped at age seventeen, and even then I never truly lived and experienced life, as I was sheltered in an abusive relationship. I wasted my precious teenage years with an overbearing, jealous man who wanted to control my every move.


Perhaps that is a reason I decided this current relationship was never meant "to be." I realized I never had control of my life. I never did what I wanted. I did what was best in order to get out of a horrible family situation or financially or economically sound because of my son.

I'm not a bad person. I have a heart and I care about others. I give awesome advice; I've been told so many times by others and I made them feel better about themselves. It's a shame I can't take my own advice. I just want to be happy.

[Ending this "diary-like" thread now...] *Sigh. Deep breath.*

EDIT: I also have a disorder that I've battled for almost ten years now. I do and say things without thinking of the consequences. I just DO. At the time, all is well and nothing could go wrong. I am excited and think what I'm doing is "okay." Then, sometimes before I even realize it myself, I get the "look" or someone takes offense to what I do. Now, one could argue that I blame every "bad move" on my disorder, but, you see, I don't even think about my disorder at all on a daily basis. I think back to past instances and say, "Huh... Why would I have done/said/reacted in that way?" I go through and try and figure it out, and then while I'm watching YouTube video suggestions, it "clicks." I realize I was in another manic episode. I haven't been on any medication to help deal with this for more than a year because I can't afford the visits or prescriptions Dodgy I am coping the best way I can. But I just thought of this within the last ten minutes: My disorder is interfering in my daily life and affecting my relationships with those around me.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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17-04-2013, 06:57 AM
RE: Fade to Black
Hug

What I get from your post is strength and a new awakening of who you are.

I hope you find peace and love.

FC

"Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."- Mark Twain in Eruption
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17-04-2013, 07:03 AM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 06:57 AM)Full Circle Wrote:  Hug

What I get from your post is strength and a new awakening of who you are.

I hope you find peace and love.

FC

That made me smile = )

Thank you, FC. I appreciate the encouragement. I need all the support I can get right now Blush

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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17-04-2013, 09:17 AM
RE: Fade to Black
I Heart ewe, Goober.

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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17-04-2013, 10:40 AM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 09:17 AM)Erxomai Wrote:  I Heart ewe, Goober.

Big Grin

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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17-04-2013, 10:53 AM
RE: Fade to Black
I really haven't any advice to offer you. The only thing I can say it will all work out one way or another. I just hope things improve for you quickly.

All that and...

Just a Hug


Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines. Breathe; Pink Floyd

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17-04-2013, 11:45 AM
RE: Fade to Black
mom? is that you?

Seriously, my mom has that "act without thinking" issue also, it can be a bitch. Mysister and I are kind of forced to serve as therapists for here every now and then to "fix" her relationship with my father (who's completely useless when it comes to talk sincerely with others, so shame on him too). With them usually things get better because they do love each other, they've grown apart with their respective communicative skills (my mom has a slight agoraphobia and my dad works with people every day) so you can guess how hard is for them to talk sometimes.

I can't know if what I have to deal in my family actually applies to yours, but the best advice I can make to you is to look for help. Desperately sadly we're not in complete charge of our brains and more than often it betrays us, so maybe a therapist or a psychologist can be really helpful, if you can't afford it, look for a really good friend, those that can be wise, and at least vent with her/him.

And if your son is 10+ (and I'll be crucified because of this) talk to him, some times kids have the most creative and insightful ideas, I'm not saying you should put you relationship in his shoulders, that'd be crazy! but don't underestimate his ability to help, and in the worst case scenario, he'll be able to tell himself that, at least, he tried to help.

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17-04-2013, 07:22 PM
RE: Fade to Black
I was trying to get into the mindset of your husband (not too successfully)

Did he take the role of 'rescuer'? A role that made him feel proud and strong? Perhaps he feels he has lost that because you don't need that from him anymore.
Is he feeling alientated?
Maybe his brain chemistry has changed? Or has yours? Or both?
"Oxytocin - The cuddle hormone.
Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and women during orgasm.
It probably deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes."

http://www.youramazingbrain.org/lovesex/sciencelove.htm

Dunno. Just guessing.

Relationship work best when there is a common / joint vision and objectives. Otherwise we 'grow apart'... we are heading in different directions.

You don't need a therapist to mediate the 'do we still have the same strategy' conversation (although, as Nach_in says, it's useful sometimes)... you can do it yourself. Assuming both parties want to talk about it.

Stimulating the right brain chemistry can bring you back together (if that is what you want).

I forget who it was on TTA who (they and their partner) found that stimulation in 'swinging' and found it strengthened the bond with their partner.

There are a number of options and there is a process to determine the best course of action but I don't want to be boring.
Lemme know if you want me to write about it.


Sorry for being practical, rather than empathetic. I'm not very good at empathy.

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17-04-2013, 07:38 PM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 07:22 PM)DLJ Wrote:  I was trying to get into the mindset of your boyfriend (not too successfully)


There are a number of options and there is a process to determine the best course of action but I don't want to be boring.
Lemme know if you want me to write about it.


Sorry for being practical, rather than empathetic. I'm not very good at empathy.

There is nothing boring about psychology Smartass I've always wanted to be a psychologist... How ironic, huh?

I'd love for you to write more about it. I'm all ears.

I DO want to make it clear that I don't want to save the current relationship; I want to end it. I want him to admit that it's over. I have moved on emotionally. (So has he.) We just keep pretending there's still a relationship. If we want to get TECHNICAL, it is still a "relationship," but we have both checked out. We want to leave, we just don't know how to make the next move. We've grown accustomed to a style/way of life over the last three and half years. We need to break the auto-pilot mode.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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17-04-2013, 08:04 PM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 07:38 PM)Peanut Wrote:  I DO want to make it clear that I don't want to save the current relationship; I want to end it. I want him to admit that it's over. I have moved on emotionally. (So has he.) We just keep pretending there's still a relationship. If we want to get TECHNICAL, it is still a "relationship," but we have both checked out. We want to leave, we just don't know how to make the next move. We've grown accustomed to a style/way of life over the last three and half years. We need to break the auto-pilot mode.

Well, why are you waiting for him to do something? Be proactive in this. You are miserable being passive so don't be passive anymore.

Happiness does not come along just because we want it to. We have to make the changes ourselves. Waiting for someone to do something to make you happy (even if it just admitting that a relationship is over) gives them control over you that they do not deserve. Take the bull by the horns and let the chips fall where they may. We're pullin for ya girl, give em hell.

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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