Fade to Black
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17-04-2013, 08:10 PM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 08:04 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  Well, why are you waiting for him to do something? Be proactive in this. You are miserable being passive so don't be passive anymore.

Happiness does not come along just because we want it to. We have to make the changes ourselves. Waiting for someone to do something to make you happy (even if it just admitting that a relationship is over) gives them control over you that they do not deserve. Take the bull by the horns and let the chips fall where they may. We're pullin for ya girl, give em hell.
I feel as though I've said/done all that I can at the moment. As I said, I feel like I'm stuck and I see no future, nor the next step. If it were just ME and I didn't have a precious son to look after, I'd have been gone and sleeping on a park bench. (He's not HORRIBLE, I want to make that clear!) I'm not trying to say I'm desperate to leave. I'm "desperate" in the sense that I've grown tired of the runnin' in the circles and such.

Thanks, I'm looking for the support Big Grin I NEED it because I feel all alone, especially now.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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17-04-2013, 08:30 PM
RE: Fade to Black
Ah, ok.

I was going to write about how to fix the relationship but instead I'll write about the 'change of strategy' so that you can both move forward.

But please be patient, I have some meetings to go to. Back in a few hours.

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17-04-2013, 08:30 PM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 08:10 PM)Peanut Wrote:  
(17-04-2013 08:04 PM)Revenant77x Wrote:  Well, why are you waiting for him to do something? Be proactive in this. You are miserable being passive so don't be passive anymore.

Happiness does not come along just because we want it to. We have to make the changes ourselves. Waiting for someone to do something to make you happy (even if it just admitting that a relationship is over) gives them control over you that they do not deserve. Take the bull by the horns and let the chips fall where they may. We're pullin for ya girl, give em hell.
I feel as though I've said/done all that I can at the moment. As I said, I feel like I'm stuck and I see no future, nor the next step. If it were just ME and I didn't have a precious son to look after, I'd have been gone and sleeping on a park bench. (He's not HORRIBLE, I want to make that clear!) I'm not trying to say I'm desperate to leave. I'm "desperate" in the sense that I've grown tired of the runnin' in the circles and such.

Thanks, I'm looking for the support Big Grin I NEED it because I feel all alone, especially now.


Yeah the rugrat does complicate things, so there is some planning to do. However I was being a bit more broad in meaning than , I think, you took me. If you've said everything you need to say to the current ex-boyfriend thats fine but being proactive about the situation could be a simple as starting a separate savings account and trying to squirrel some money away so you can get out.

As for the support You have that in spades. Hug

(31-07-2014 04:37 PM)Luminon Wrote:  America is full of guns, but they're useless, because nobody has the courage to shoot an IRS agent in self-defense
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17-04-2013, 08:32 PM
RE: Fade to Black
(17-04-2013 08:30 PM)DLJ Wrote:  Ah, ok.

I was going to write about how to fix the relationship but instead I'll write about the 'change of strategy' so that you can both move forward.

But please be patient, I have some meetings to go to. Back in a few hours.
I look forward to it, DLJ Smile

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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17-04-2013, 08:43 PM
RE: Fade to Black
Sorry to hear your situation peanut. Hope things work out, and I gotta agree with the others. Be proactive. I've always told people that if something is making you miserable, then you have to change that something. From what I've seen here in the forums, I think you're awesome. You'll be alright. Chin up!

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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18-04-2013, 03:24 AM
RE: Fade to Black
OK. Brace yourself...

What you are looking for is a change of strategy. No change is more dramatic and potentially beneficial and potentially traumatic.

Here are the steps to take...

1. A strategic assessment.
You do not exist in isolation and you (and all of us) are defined by how you interact with your ever-changing environment.
The purpose of the strategic assessment is to determine your current situation and what changes are likely to impact it in the foreseeable future. This step will also highlight constraints that will limit or prevent you from being able to progress your current goals, or to adapt to change.

The strategic assessment analyses both the internal environment (yourself) and the external environment (the world with which you interact), and then arrives at a set of objectives which will be used to define your actual strategy.

2. Strategic assessment: analyse the internal environment.
In creating your strategy, you should first take a careful look at what you do and what you are, already. The starting point is to identify your strengths and weaknesses through an internal analysis. This information will help to define the strategy by identifying which strengths can be leveraged, and which weaknesses need to be strengthened.

Typical categories of analysing strengths and weaknesses include:
a) Your personality: It is likely that you already have a basis for differentiating yourself. What are your distinctive capabilities and core competencies?
b) Financial analysis: Current costs, current short, medium and long-term investments (e.g. education) that will result in a significant differentiator for you and will result in high future returns (financial but also emotional or physical).
c) Human resources: It is important to know what skills and capabilities you have or have access to. What skills, capabilities and resources might you be reliant upon that you might be leaving behind?
d) Living: This part of the analysis focuses on how efficient and effective you are at actually supporting and managing yourself. Is there duplication of effort? What is your level of control? How good are you at managing incidents and coping with change etc.
e) Relationships with others: How well do you understand the needs of those you support and how well do you currently meet those requirements?
f) Resources and capabilities: Those that currently exist to support you (and your son) as well as how they are currently utilised.
g) Existing projects: Projects that will change any of the above aspects of yourself.

3. Strategic assessment: analyse the external environment
Whereas internal analysis focuses on analysing strengths and weaknesses, the external analysis focuses on opportunities and threats, and especially how they will develop in the future.

The aim in defining a strategy will be to identify which opportunities to exploit and which threats to defend against. External factors include:
a) 'Customers': Who are you supporting? What challenges and opportunities are they facing? What are their strategies? How good is your relationship with them? How do they rely upon you and will this change?
b) 'Suppliers': Who supports you? What changes are happening in their lives? How will these impact you?
c) 'Partners': You currently have a partner. What opportunities and strengths do they offer? Are they still relevant? What are your obligations and responsibilities in respect of this partnership?
d) 'Competitors': Are there any competitors in your life that could be considered a threat to any future strategy?
e) Legislation and regulation: What legislation or standard will impact the way you live and the way you want to live?
f) Political: How are your current practices and strategies impacted by political changes? Will changes in fiscal policy enhance or limit your ability to live and grow?
g) Socio-economic: What is the economic forecast, and will it impact your current situation? What are your policy and actions regarding social responsibility?
h) Technology: How will new technology change your future and they way you live / earn an income?

4 Strategic assessment: define opportunities vs. current assets
In strategy management, this step results in documentation of all current and any potential new opportunities (areas for personal growth) that were identified from the internal and external analysis.
When the strategy is generated, the you can use this information to decide whether to continue on a current path and, if so, whether any changes are needed to ensure successful.
Exploring your potential: You can consider more than one growth area.
Think about your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats for each potential growth area / opportunity.
For example, you may feel you have assets (knowledge, aptitude, the right attitude) as a carer or an instructor so explore areas where such skills are needed.
Begin with a broad set of outcomes such as 'happiness' or 'financial independence'.
Identify:
a) Opportunities that are best served by your existing resources and capabilities
b) Opportunities to avoid.
Then for each personal growth area / opportunity, decisions can be made with respect to:
a) What would like to do?
b) Who will benefit?
c) How will you measure success?
d) What extra capabilities and / or resources will you need?
e) What are you already doing in these areas?

Further decisions wil be influenced by:
a) Priorities (impact x urgency) and strategic value (return on investment and rate of return)
b) Investments required
c) Financial objectives (including profit motive)
d) Risks involved
e) Constraints (e.g. child support / transportation).

5. Strategic assessment: identify strategic success factors
For every opportunity there are critical factors that determine the success or failure of your strategy.
These change over time and are influenced by the needs of those you care for, the world you live in, competition, laws, those who support you (suppliers) and technology changes.
When you have considered what you mean by successful outcomes for the changes you are thinking about, you can start thinking about 'performance indicators' ... things to keep an eye on so that you know you are staying on track.

6. Strategic assessment: establish objectives
List your objectives (i.e. the output of your strategic assessment)... what do expect to achieve by pursuing your current (or future) strategy.
Once the objectives have been defined, you will need to define how you will achieve the anticipated results. This is the strategy (or strategies).
Clear objectives facilitate consistent decision-making, minimizing later conflicts and set priorities.
Avoid this step and you will end up...
a) Managing your life by crisis: The belief that the ability to solve problems effectively is a good strategy.
b) Managing your life demand: Being at the beck and call of those who rely upon you and losing your own identity. Never questioning the validity of the demand and never quantifying the value of your investment.
c) Managing by extrapolation: Continuing the same activities in the same manner because things aren't so bad really.
d) Managing by hope: Making decisions on the belief they will ultimately work out.
e) Managing by best effort: Doing one’s best to accomplish what should be done. There is no general plan. There is also no clear understanding of the actual investment required, and so no ability to demonstrate the value of the hard work.

Meaningful objectives are based on the outcomes you (and those you support) desire to achieve.
Objectives must be capable of determining how best to satisfy these outcomes.

It is important that objectives are not only derived from the overall strategic assessments but must also take into account specific input from those you support (as Nach-in suggested).

This might sound trite, but a frequently used tecnique to ensure definition of meaningful objectives is contained in the ‘SMART’ acronym. This stands for:
S = Specific: Objectives should clearly state what the strategy is or is not going to achieve.
M = Measurable: To be able to assess whether the objective is being or has been met.
A = Achievable / Affordable: It must be possible to meet the objective.
R = Relevant: This checks to ensure that the objective is consistent with your culture, social structure and overall intended direction; and that it follows from the findings of the earlier assessments.
T = Time-bound: Create an overall time-frame for your strategy as a whole, but also, each objective may have different timing. This should be clearly stated.



Once this is done, it is time to write down your strategy.
This involves the ‘four Ps’; perspective, position, plans and patterns.

I can elaborate further but I will pause here just to check whether any of the above will be useful for you.

I'm worried that it might not be answering your question or just too boring.

Lemme know.

Cheers
DLJ

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18-04-2013, 01:35 PM
RE: Fade to Black
(18-04-2013 03:24 AM)DLJ Wrote:  Once this is done, it is time to write down your strategy.
This involves the ‘four Ps’; perspective, position, plans and patterns.

I can elaborate further but I will pause here just to check whether any of the above will be useful for you.

I'm worried that it might not be answering your question or just too boring.

Lemme know.

Cheers
DLJ
Bangin

Thanks, DLJ... My brain is on overload, to be honest. I read that whole post and found that when I got to number six, I "checked out." So much information. Anyway, It IS helpful. It actually makes me think about things on a much deeper level than what I thought I had been doing. I will read it again, after I've had my dinner. Perhaps I shall be able to retain information when my appetite is satisfied? Anyway, don't let the fact that I am frustrated deter you from sharing your wisdom with me. I really do appreciate it Smile

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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25-04-2013, 08:07 PM (This post was last modified: 25-04-2013 08:11 PM by Peanut.)
RE: Fade to Black
I'm going on record to finally admit that I'm no longer in a relationship with the boyfriend I've been writing about these last few months. We are now officially "just roommates." I know it's a screwed up living arrangement, but he wants me to be happy and he says, quote, "I would never kick you and Billy out on the street."

The past few months, we tried to make it work, but we've grown distant from one another. We've been essentially roommates that whole time. I didn't want to lead him on and everyday I felt horrible for staying. But we've discussed it, and at this time, there is nowhere for me to go. He doesn't mind me continuing to live at his house until things get straightened out.

My heart hurts and I wish it could have worked out. I really do. He is a great person. (Him telling me he wants me to be happy, even if I don't choose to be with him, is a great example.) It hurts because most women would kill to have such an awesome and caring man to call their own. Sadcryface

We are too different. I hate it. We had a great relationship. I only wish we acknowledged our fundamental differences earlier, before it got to this point. I will never regret him.

I don't know if anyone else has ever had this kind of living arrangement. I need advice and positive thoughts... I need to feel as though it will all work itself out. I'm just so confused.

I can't even write. I can't see.

"It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in awhile exhilarating." -Stephen King
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25-04-2013, 09:47 PM
RE: Fade to Black
You are not alone and, if may say so, you are very fortunate.

You do, indeed, have a great friend there and that is a relationship worth keeping now that it has been redefined.

Don't feel bad. You both have accepted that you have different strategic visions and I'm guessing that you have re-categorised your relationship.

OK, I'm a cold emotionless, over-analytical, freak but I have reached the point in life where I find it quite easy to establish boundaries for relationships.

Relationship-categories are:
Strategic
Tactical
Operational
Commodity

The girls who live with me provide Operational and Commodity services/support for me and I provide the same for them.

It can be difficult sometimes when the attachment grows and one or other party suggests a more Tactical or even Strategic relationship, e.g. it's kinda sad sometimes when they go off and get married etc.

Your relationship has been redefined (by consensus... excellent approach, btw) from Strategic to Tactical.

The benefits of this relationship for you and your son are obvious but I am less clear about what benefits you are providing to your ex-boyfriend.

If there is a mismatch i.e. he is offering tactical support to you (protection, security) but you are supporting him operationally (cooking, housework), then there might be tension ahead. Or vice versa.

I perceive a risk that a bit of what I mentioned above might be happening or could happen:
"d) Managing by hope: Making decisions on the belief they will ultimately work out.
e) Managing by best effort: Doing one’s best to accomplish what should be done. There is no general plan. There is also no clear understanding of the actual investment required, and so no ability to demonstrate the value of the hard work."

It will work itself out but please remember that all relationships need to be managed / nurtured.

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25-04-2013, 09:55 PM
RE: Fade to Black
I just want to say that DLJ is awesome and scary at the same time. When I read this stuff I imagine a serial killer with his victims saying "that's a very efficient and organized way to kill me, congratulations" and then die Tongue

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