Fall down seven, stand up eight.
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17-01-2011, 04:14 PM
Fall down seven, stand up eight.
I'm sorry if this seems a bit odd, I'm probably going to get some trolling for this but I'm prepared. I have a lot of stuff to think through right now, I'm going through a hard time and I'm just really frustrated.
I don't know if this will help, probably not, but this is a letter I had sent to my councilor(no problems, I was the one who asked to have counselling sessions) I don't really have anyone to talk to so this is pretty much my only option :/
There isn't any information that I wouldn't be willing to share with anyone so its no big deal. Any thoughts?


who I am
A pariah
definition-
outcast: a person who is rejected (from society or home)
I always have been, my entire life nobody has ever wanted to be near me, and those that do only do because they want to hurt me.
Abused and harassed by all my peers, I hated it, I usually cried my eyes out multiple times a day, my mother says she always heard me before she saw me. Because of how unpopular I was with my peers I never had a girlfriend, and I didn't kiss a girl until I turned was 15... if it even counts, she was so drunk it was hard to tell if she was conscious. The few girls I've known as 'friends' did their best to humiliate me and try to provoke me, I find it difficult to talk to people now because of the girls who would always want to talk to me, then go laugh with their friends about what I had to say.
I blame a lot of things for how I turned out, I blame my peers and my sister for how they treated me, I blame the teachers for doing nothing to stop it and going as far as to suggest it was my fault and that I just needed to be "normal", I blame my parents for teaching me to be so submissive and not stand up for myself, and I blame my mother for even having a child who is so damaged.
Mostly I blame myself, for letting any of it happen, for not trying to learn on my own, for even existing.

I've been told I need to let go of the anger... that its going to hold me back, but I don't want to. Its my motivation, a driving force that never stops, I've never needed anything else, every goal I've reached for, I only reached because of the hate and an urge to rise above those that have done me wrong. Besides that I have every reason to resent those around me, why should I sugar coat reality when I have cause to blame others for THEIR actions against me?

I still hear their voices, I still feel the pain. Every laugh, every name, every taunt, I hear the combined hatred and intolerance of society echoing in my mind every second of my life. Sometimes(not often) I hear it as something audible, not just a memory or a feeling, and on occasions I still feel all the punches, kicks, and other pain they caused. You can't even imagine how much it can affect your mind. New voices are added everyday when I hear someone talking about me or trying to start shit with me.
For those of you wondering what I must have done to deserve any of this. I'm the quiet kid in the back of the class, minding his own business, trying to stay away from everyone else.

People say to be happy with what you've got, but in my mind thats saying "I can't get anything better, so I won't try"
I REFUSE to settle for anything less than what I want to achieve.

I did have my opinion of myself summed up, but I'm not sure sometimes... You tell me...



Who I want to be
Definitions of paragon on the Web:
an ideal instance; a perfect embodiment of a concept
ideal: model of excellence or perfection of a kind; one having no equal

I want to be a warrior, a leader, a revolutionary, someone who changes the world and inspires others to do the same.
There are a lot of things I need to learn.
I have a basic list, its a little silly now that I think about it ^ ^;; I just need to be.. exceptional...
I don't care how long it takes me to learn, I will. But I need my mind in the right state for any of it to matter.

I see all the atrocities in the world, all the injustice, intolerance, genocide, dishonesty, manipulation. I want to make it stop, people need someone they can look up to, someone to give them a solution, hope, motivation, things to aspire for, a banner to unite under.
What I want is humanity... I would say united, but that sounds a bit implausible.. maybe, "better off" works?. Maybe I won't get that far, but I'll damn well try. If nothing else, those who come after me may continue what I start. If thats the case than I did all I could.

Bottom line, I want to help people, theres different ways of fighting tyranny, some do it with their voice, but theres gotta be people like me to comb through the world and put a stop to it.


So let the jeering commence.

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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17-01-2011, 07:40 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
Wait... So what exactly have you been doing?

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Leonard Nimoy
1931-2015
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17-01-2011, 08:03 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
(17-01-2011 07:40 PM)Cetaceaphile Wrote:  Wait... So what exactly have you been doing?

I do a lot of things, be specific.

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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17-01-2011, 08:07 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
Like to be such an outcast.

I mean I get people stand next to me at the bus stop for 10 mins and then ask a passer by for the time, but I never had anyone IRL troll me. At least not a long running thing like pretending to be friends.

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Leonard Nimoy
1931-2015
Live long and prosper.
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17-01-2011, 08:10 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
(17-01-2011 08:07 PM)Cetaceaphile Wrote:  Like to be such an outcast.

I mean I get people stand next to me at the bus stop for 10 mins and then ask a passer by for the time, but I never had anyone IRL troll me. At least not a long running thing like pretending to be friends.

Idk what I did.
Like I said, I keep to myself, always have, I never bothered anyone and I saw no reason to.

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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17-01-2011, 09:52 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
Keeping to yourself makes you an easy target for bullies, as you know. One reason is that you don't have anyone to back you up. Bullies don't go after groups. Hanging with one friend and associating with a few other people will make bullies think twice because they don't know who will and who won't back you up.

As for being an outsider creates a feeding frenzy. If some asshole that is considered "cool" dislikes you, everybody wants in on the action. Stupid monkey see, stupid monkey do. It is a very sad side of humans that shows that our roots lie in much less sensitive beings than we are supposed to be. We haven't evolved enough in the humane direction.

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I went through a lot of that stuff. There is no way to know who got it worst since the language doesn't allow for enough accuracy to measure that. I have come a long way since then and have put that shit behind me. You can't please very many people in life so make a short list of people worth pleasing and forget about everyone else. You have a lot of people to put on your fuck-off list. I can't even remember how long mine was.

To want to do good for others after what some have put you through shows a lot of fortitude and moral conviction.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Richard Dawkins comes to me, speaking words of reason, now I see, now I see.
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17-01-2011, 10:14 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
(17-01-2011 09:52 PM)No J. Wrote:  Keeping to yourself makes you an easy target for bullies, as you know. One reason is that you don't have anyone to back you up. Bullies don't go after groups. Hanging with one friend and associating with a few other people will make bullies think twice because they don't know who will and who won't back you up.

As for being an outsider creates a feeding frenzy. If some asshole that is considered "cool" dislikes you, everybody wants in on the action. Stupid monkey see, stupid monkey do. It is a very sad side of humans that shows that our roots lie in much less sensitive beings than we are supposed to be. We haven't evolved enough in the humane direction.

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I went through a lot of that stuff. There is no way to know who got it worst since the language doesn't allow for enough accuracy to measure that. I have come a long way since then and have put that shit behind me. You can't please very many people in life so make a short list of people worth pleasing and forget about everyone else. You have a lot of people to put on your fuck-off list. I can't even remember how long mine was.

To want to do good for others after what some have put you through shows a lot of fortitude and moral conviction.

ah yes, the details are coming back to me now.
Yes it is sad, I've seen how cruel people can be even at young ages, people being capable of mass murder and torture just doesn't surprise me.
As for how bad it was, I don't mean to sound like a whiny bitch, but it was bad. pummeled multiple times a day, no one could even just walk by me without shoving me or insulting me. I think up until highschool I only had about 3 friends, and even then they tried not to be seen with me too much.
Only a very select few aren't on my fuck-off list. and the last part cheered me up a bit btw, thanks Smile I'm told I'm too overcritical of myself, which might be true.

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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17-01-2011, 10:53 PM
 
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
Wow, where do you live that people are capable of treating you so bad these days? How old are you anyways? While I don't consider myself ever being an outcast, a bit of a loner maybe (especially when I was a younger child) I do like keeping to myself and am not a social butterfly. This is partially due to being (or maybe just feeling) unpopular, but I really just like being alone. I have no anger towards anyone, I'm just an introvert. I'm not sure if I have any advise for you (you seem pretty smart, anything that I would mention is likely stuff you've heard before) but I'd like to follow this thread and see where it goes.
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17-01-2011, 10:55 PM
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
(17-01-2011 10:53 PM)Free_Thinker Wrote:  Wow, where do you live that people are capable of treating you so bad these days? How old are you anyways? While I don't consider myself ever being an outcast, a bit of a loner maybe (especially when I was a younger child) I do like keeping to myself and am not a social butterfly. This is partially due to being (or maybe just feeling) unpopular, but I really just like being alone. I have no anger towards anyone, I'm just an introvert. I'm not sure if I have any advise for you (you seem pretty smart, anything that I would mention is likely stuff you've heard before) but I'd like to follow this thread and see where it goes.

Canada, east coast to be specific. I'm 17 this month actually.
Trust me, it happens, most of it behind peoples backs, and the ones who do know usually don't want to do anything about it.
I too enjoy being alone Smile it feels refreshing.

Hey brother christian, with your high and mighty errand, your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying.

"This machine kills fascists..."

"Well this machine kills commies!"
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17-01-2011, 11:09 PM
 
RE: Fall down seven, stand up eight.
Ahh, you are a teenager. That explains alot. Wink

Here are the facts, I will be blunt:

You have raging hormones, that does not help the situation.
In a few years, you will be finished highschool, that will eliminate much of your problems (those problems being people). If/when you go to college or university you can either make friends or not, if you don't nobody will care or bother you either way. If you have a couple good friends and or a girlfriend that is all you really need. When you get into your 20s you will work and things will seem more simple, however time goes by very fast (I'm 27 now and married, just got a house, but the highs and lows of highschool felt like last week.) I feel very different then I did 10 years ago, but I do not forget how I felt as a teenager. Sometimes I wish I could go and relive those times (good and bad).
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