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19-06-2016, 09:34 AM
Family.
A few years ago my brothers daughter got sick and eventually died of cancer. It was a very traumatic time where my brother stopped visiting his daughter for a short time in her last days for numerous reasons. His actions then led to a massive arguement where him and my sister fell out over it all, with my sister disowning him for a time and a whole load of things were said at the time.

My sister has now mellowed and has attempted to make things up with my brother but he is not interested.

So I am stuck in the middle and to be honest I dont think i want to be stuck there anymore. I am seriously considering just fucking all of my family off and saying i have no family anymore if they are not willing to make up. Its a touch decision and I know I cant force anyone to think differently and it would be like cutting my own nose off to spite my face as I love both my brother and sister dearly. Life is too short to hold grudges but Im sick of it now. If I am to spend the rest of my life never having the opportunity to spend time with both of them together then Im not sure I want to have a family anymore.

I dont know what to do. Our parents died 20 years ago and if I believed that there was some chance they were looking down on us then they would be shocked and would not want the family to fragment in this way. Im sure they would not want my bro and sis to fall out and to make up as life is too short and I know that me cutting them both off would not be a good idea, but I just dont want the hassle anymore, im sick of it.

I just want my family back and talking, stupid pair of stubborn cunts Sad

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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19-06-2016, 09:54 AM
RE: Family.
Yabbut, if you cut them out of your life, aren't you doing exactly what they are doing?

Maybe you just need to tell them that you won't be a go-between and don't want to be involved in their issues?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-06-2016, 10:07 AM
RE: Family.
Could you possibly get them to family counseling?

You cannot change them, you can only change how your respond to them and how you let them treat or use you. You can love them both, individually and not be the middle. Refuse to let them place you there. Refuse to discuss the other one when you're with either of them. Bow out of the feud.

Good luck.

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19-06-2016, 10:34 AM
RE: Family.
You may have to talk to your siblings separately and let them know that you can no longer be in the middle. You love them both and want to be part of their lives but their issues have to be their issues.

Ultimately they have to work things out between them since that's where the problem lies.

Family can be really hard to navigate and sometimes you have to set boundaries and hold firm to them.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I haven't spoken with my brother in years but do speak with my sister. My brother just isn't part of the conversation except a mention now and then.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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19-06-2016, 10:48 AM
RE: Family.
My decision to rid myself of both of them is more like a desperate plea to get them talking again, a sign of how much it hurts me that we have fractured in this way. I dont want to lose either of them.

99% of the time I put others needs and feelings ahead of mine. My sisters husband made some poor decisions and went to prison, I didnt think it was a good idea at the time that my sister stayed with him but she choose to and I said I would respect and stick to her decision either way, id be there for her when she needs me. My brothers wife has some mental issues, I dont particulary like certain things about her, my brother knows this but, yet again, I told him that it was his life and id always be there for him.

These two situations were used by both of them when they argued, they both said some brutally honest yet hurtful things to one another yet they dont seem to have the same sort of patience, empathy or respect for one another to lead their life how they see fit that I do.

Emotions were charged when my niece was dying, things are always said that are later regretted and I believe if she never got sick and died then maybe this would of never happened and they would still be talking.

Im the youngest out of the three of us, I know age is not necessarily a sign of maturity or experience but why cant they just fucking move on??

When im with either of them, there is no real bad words for each other from either of them. My bro will ask how my sis is getting on and vice versa. My sis is willing to move on and wants to make up, my brother doesnt though. I have a feeling his wife plays a big part in this. She is quite controlling and he has sacrificed a lot to be with her and from how I know her I get the feeling that its possible she could have given him an ultimatum, that it would hurt their relationship if my bro and sis made up. My sister hates my bros wife and I dont think my bros wife particularly likes my sis.

Today is fathers day and whilst im not one for "special days" it just hits home how my parents would of reacted to this. I guess my bro still loves my sis but he is just hurt but I dont want years and years to pass and one of them to die, as dying brings clarity to how stupid petty indifference is, tinged with lots of regret.

I dont want them to have regrets. They would never go to family counselling/mediation, I think that is a bigger thing in the US than it is here in the UK.

I suppose I just have to give in to the fact that I will probably never see both of them together ever again in my life. Never have meals or go out on the walks that we used too. Yet again I have to relent and put their own needs before my own.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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19-06-2016, 11:03 AM
RE: Family.
(19-06-2016 10:48 AM)bemore Wrote:  My decision to rid myself of both of them is more like a desperate plea to get them talking again, a sign of how much it hurts me that we have fractured in this way. I dont want to lose either of them.

99% of the time I put others needs and feelings ahead of mine. My sisters husband made some poor decisions and went to prison, I didnt think it was a good idea at the time that my sister stayed with him but she choose to and I said I would respect and stick to her decision either way, id be there for her when she needs me. My brothers wife has some mental issues, I dont particulary like certain things about her, my brother knows this but, yet again, I told him that it was his life and id always be there for him.

These two situations were used by both of them when they argued, they both said some brutally honest yet hurtful things to one another yet they dont seem to have the same sort of patience, empathy or respect for one another to lead their life how they see fit that I do.

Emotions were charged when my niece was dying, things are always said that are later regretted and I believe if she never got sick and died then maybe this would of never happened and they would still be talking.

Im the youngest out of the three of us, I know age is not necessarily a sign of maturity or experience but why cant they just fucking move on??

When im with either of them, there is no real bad words for each other from either of them. My bro will ask how my sis is getting on and vice versa. My sis is willing to move on and wants to make up, my brother doesnt though. I have a feeling his wife plays a big part in this. She is quite controlling and he has sacrificed a lot to be with her and from how I know her I get the feeling that its possible she could have given him an ultimatum, that it would hurt their relationship if my bro and sis made up. My sister hates my bros wife and I dont think my bros wife particularly likes my sis.

Today is fathers day and whilst im not one for "special days" it just hits home how my parents would of reacted to this. I guess my bro still loves my sis but he is just hurt but I dont want years and years to pass and one of them to die, as dying brings clarity to how stupid petty indifference is, tinged with lots of regret.

I dont want them to have regrets. They would never go to family counselling/mediation, I think that is a bigger thing in the US than it is here in the UK.

I suppose I just have to give in to the fact that I will probably never see both of them together ever again in my life. Never have meals or go out on the walks that we used too. Yet again I have to relent and put their own needs before my own.

Many, many families fracture when someone dies. Assigning blame is part of grieving. People blame themselves, the doctors, god, the weather and what have you - and each other.

Assigning blame is really supposed to be "finding the cause", and in a way, it is, but emotionally distorted. Everything is emotionally distorted when grieving is deep.

Your siblings had the misfortune to speak out about it to each other before leaving the blame phase behind. It happens a lot.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-06-2016, 12:14 PM
RE: Family.
Having lived most of my life with little or no family, there are times I do miss the idea of it.

Shared experiences and all that.

You don't really have to be in the middle unless they insist that you take a side. You can simply choose to love them both. If they want to talk about it, just change the subject.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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19-06-2016, 01:13 PM
RE: Family.
Ive messaged my bro and told him how I have considered fucking everyone off. Ive told him that its not something I want to do and the reason why I feel that way is because whilst I hold back my opinion and bite my tongue to keep the peace, which takes effort, he is not willing to do the same FOR ME.

Ive told him im not expecting miracles and that I feel selfish for asking but can he make an effort FOR ME and return the effort I make FOR THEM.

Ive not given him an ultimatum, ive told him I will continue to respect him and will be there even if the answer is no.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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19-06-2016, 03:04 PM
RE: Family.
Mate in my experience there is nothing you can do. Just let them live their lives. If they don't talk, they don't talk.

As for your brother's actions at the time, I get it. My illness freaked out a member of my family he moved interstate. He did not ring me recently on my birthday while I was in hospital hovering between life and death. Perhaps it hurts him too much.

Probably the case with your brother. People handle things in their own way.

Be the guy the others talk to. Better than not.

Good luck.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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19-06-2016, 05:06 PM
RE: Family.
(19-06-2016 09:34 AM)bemore Wrote:  A few years ago my brothers daughter got sick and eventually died of cancer. It was a very traumatic time where my brother stopped visiting his daughter for a short time in her last days for numerous reasons. His actions then led to a massive arguement where him and my sister fell out over it all, with my sister disowning him for a time and a whole load of things were said at the time.

My sister has now mellowed and has attempted to make things up with my brother but he is not interested.

So I am stuck in the middle and to be honest I dont think i want to be stuck there anymore. I am seriously considering just fucking all of my family off and saying i have no family anymore if they are not willing to make up. Its a touch decision and I know I cant force anyone to think differently and it would be like cutting my own nose off to spite my face as I love both my brother and sister dearly. Life is too short to hold grudges but Im sick of it now. If I am to spend the rest of my life never having the opportunity to spend time with both of them together then Im not sure I want to have a family anymore.

I dont know what to do. Our parents died 20 years ago and if I believed that there was some chance they were looking down on us then they would be shocked and would not want the family to fragment in this way. Im sure they would not want my bro and sis to fall out and to make up as life is too short and I know that me cutting them both off would not be a good idea, but I just dont want the hassle anymore, im sick of it.

I just want my family back and talking, stupid pair of stubborn cunts Sad

You don't have to be in the middle. Don't discuss the situation or the other sibling with either of them. Just refuse.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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