Family Death and Issues
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23-08-2013, 02:50 AM
Family Death and Issues
My dad passed away only a few months ago, only about a year and half after I dropped out of college...

I'm not proud of myself at this point in my life, not proud at all. My dad was only 54 and he died of heart failure, after his first major heart attack around age 44. Me,(23 years old) my mom, after 30 years of marriage, and my brother at 15, lost my dad to it. He had suffered for a long time after the initial heart attack, since I was young my mom always said his days were numbered~he even suffered a broken vertabrae and osteoperosis since the time of the attack.

I wasnt home when he died, I had moved away to another state and hadn't seen him for 2 years when I found out it happened. I came home for the funeral and stayed another 3 months with my mom and brother, but then left again. I had quit my job right before he passed away as well... I have no income still and no job, in the same hole I put myself in before he passed away. My family is more satisfied believing in God and heaven, but I have a hard time telling myself those things, and it's hard, because I loved him so much, and want to imagine he's in heaven but I don't want to lie to myself. I never wanted to, when my Grandpa passed when I was 7 I didn't want to and when my 11 yr old friend died in an accident I didn't want to believe it then, either. No matter what I believe though, it doesn't change that they're gone, and I've lost more than them in the last few years as well, cousins, and all of my grandparents save for a step-grandmother and one surviving grandfather. My fathers death just meant so much more to me though... and still does. It's still fresh and vivid in my mind, and I can't seem to stop feeling bad about it, about what I did before, and what I'm doing now, yet I feel too much grief to change it right now...

If I keep going on like this I can probably answer all my own questions, but for some reason I still end up just stuck, not wanting to function, or move, to get a job again, to try again. I'm just giving up again, and I know it's probably just a phase, but I need to get out of it, and soon... I should never have been in it to begin with but I keep putting myself in the same hole anyway. I haven't even spoke to people anymore since I moved back away from them again. I feel too embarrassed and guilty to talk to people I know anymore. I feel like I abandoned my friends and family and that I abandoned myself too long ago to make a difference. Even though it's not entirely true.. ~I just feel so stuck..again. :/

Sorry to bother you guys with such a long (pessimistic) message. o_o

I just don't know what to do? Or I'm not sure? Just don't want to take the first steps, I think. ? Blush
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23-08-2013, 05:54 AM
RE: Family Death and Issues
(23-08-2013 02:50 AM)theArtofSunRise Wrote:  My dad passed away only a few months ago, only about a year and half after I dropped out of college...

I'm not proud of myself at this point in my life, not proud at all. My dad was only 54 and he died of heart failure, after his first major heart attack around age 44. Me,(23 years old) my mom, after 30 years of marriage, and my brother at 15, lost my dad to it. He had suffered for a long time after the initial heart attack, since I was young my mom always said his days were numbered~he even suffered a broken vertabrae and osteoperosis since the time of the attack.

I wasnt home when he died, I had moved away to another state and hadn't seen him for 2 years when I found out it happened. I came home for the funeral and stayed another 3 months with my mom and brother, but then left again. I had quit my job right before he passed away as well... I have no income still and no job, in the same hole I put myself in before he passed away. My family is more satisfied believing in God and heaven, but I have a hard time telling myself those things, and it's hard, because I loved him so much, and want to imagine he's in heaven but I don't want to lie to myself. I never wanted to, when my Grandpa passed when I was 7 I didn't want to and when my 11 yr old friend died in an accident I didn't want to believe it then, either. No matter what I believe though, it doesn't change that they're gone, and I've lost more than them in the last few years as well, cousins, and all of my grandparents save for a step-grandmother and one surviving grandfather. My fathers death just meant so much more to me though... and still does. It's still fresh and vivid in my mind, and I can't seem to stop feeling bad about it, about what I did before, and what I'm doing now, yet I feel too much grief to change it right now...

If I keep going on like this I can probably answer all my own questions, but for some reason I still end up just stuck, not wanting to function, or move, to get a job again, to try again. I'm just giving up again, and I know it's probably just a phase, but I need to get out of it, and soon... I should never have been in it to begin with but I keep putting myself in the same hole anyway. I haven't even spoke to people anymore since I moved back away from them again. I feel too embarrassed and guilty to talk to people I know anymore. I feel like I abandoned my friends and family and that I abandoned myself too long ago to make a difference. Even though it's not entirely true.. ~I just feel so stuck..again. :/

Sorry to bother you guys with such a long (pessimistic) message. o_o

I just don't know what to do? Or I'm not sure? Just don't want to take the first steps, I think. ? Blush

Sure looks like you have encountered too much death at too young an age. It is normal to have to deal with the grandparent's death at your age, but usually not a parent and definitely not a number of peers.

Are you blaming yourself? What do you mean, "you abandoned yourself"?

You are right about taking the first steps, it's always the first steps that are hard. Once you gain momentum and things are happening, it gets easier with every step.

I don't know enough to try to give any sound advice. If you like, you can give more details about your situation, and what situation you would like to be in, and we could try to help outline some steps forward....

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Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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23-08-2013, 06:12 AM
RE: Family Death and Issues
It does sound like you are suffering from depression, so seeing a doctor about that would be a step you could take.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles and I hope you can take some positive steps - the first ones are the hardest.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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24-08-2013, 03:40 PM
RE: Family Death and Issues
I agree. Speaking to a doctor would help with depression. Although I wouldn't recommend relying on medication to resolve your issues. Cognitive therapy may help Smile It's all too easy to easy to fall into the rut, it's the getting out that's hard.

I don't know if any of this will help. Just want to give your some encouragement.

Dropping out of college: Concentrating on education at that level during times when your head is - for want of a better term - up one's proverbial backside (which is understandable given your situation), can just make everything harder. If you felt you couldn't continue in college and do well, then you did the right thing. You can always go back to college, or maybe things will work out differently and for the better.

Not seeing your dad for two years: We often find life gets away with us. Things get busy with our minds and lives and the things we know we should do and visiting people that we know we should visit fall back. There are probably things you wish you had done and wanted to say to your dad before he died, and it's unfortunate you didn't get to say these things. I've heard of people who (although not believing in the afterlife) find it comforting and therapeutic to visit their deceased loved one's "resting place" and just talk away about things. But now is the right time to reconnect with your family (the longer you leave it the harder it gets, trust me), talk to them about how you feel. I can bet that they miss you.

You don't have to lie to yourself about heaven. It would be awesome if there was a heaven and we went there when we die. But that isn't the case. You loved your dad and you'll have good memories, so you should try and focus on that. I'm afraid I don't know what else to say in that regard.

Don't be embarrassed. Don't be guilty. You're grieving and people do understand that. No one should judge you, and if they do then they aren't worthy of you. You've been through the mill when it comes to death and that is a shit thing for someone to go through. But, just think, you're still plodding on. For you, you have to help yourself out and make your life. We don't have a reset button, so enjoy the crap out of it whilst you can. Easier said than done, I know. Just give it a go.

Put your head high. Life is an experience. Experiences make us who we are and they make us all the wiser. Nothing you have mentioned that you have done is reason for you to be so down on yourself Smile

"God is a thought who makes crooked all that is straight." - Nietzsche

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