Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
23-11-2012, 04:56 PM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
Thanks for the advice, I'll have too keep it all in mind.

I just know I'm going to have to deal with my brother and mother today at some point, least I might be able to do something for them..

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Free Thought's post
23-11-2012, 08:17 PM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
FT,
You are obviously not alone in thinking/feeling this way. And I will add a 'me too'.

When I was 10, there was just a moment like you had... my mother sat us down (my sis and I) for a group hug and told us that my gran (father's mother) had died.
She cried.
My sister cried.
I walked away because I didn't want them to see that I was not crying and felt absolutely nothing.

A few days later it hit me as I realised that I would never see her again (no afterlife-nonsense for me, even then) and I was probably just going through the 7 stages of grief that LJ mentioned, but mainly because I realised that she was my last grandparent. So it was a selfish emotion.

I rationalised it as well as a 10yo can and have never worried about death since then.

I recommend faking it.

Yes, that is dishonest and for many years (until I read about 'empathy') I thought everyone faked it too.


If you read about Transactional Analysis, you can see that we humans have evolved the ability for platitudes / small-talk for good reasons.

I don't mean that you should learn to produce fake floods of tears. I just mean that you should train yourself to give an auto-response... empathetic, not practical, i.e. "I am sorry for your loss" not "oh well, the planet is over-populated anyway" or "you've got another brother, so why worry?"

It's an evolution thing... go with it.

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
23-11-2012, 08:58 PM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
(23-11-2012 05:31 AM)Dom Wrote:  I am pretty much that way too, I don't show much negative emotion in front of people. I am just rational and try to be helpful.

And this is how I have learned to deal with that : I ask questions that aim to be helpful.
....

And it doesn't mean that you are cold at all. Everyone deals with such things in different ways, we have different coping mechanisms and we are also affected by things in different ways, depending on emotional involvement, stage of life and many other things.
That's what I was going to say. In the past 10 years, I've lost one parent and two grandparents to cancer, not to mention one uncle due to aneurysm. And my mom had breast cancer but recovered. I didn't cry in public from any of that, despite being close to the people involved. The only time was when I touched the urn containing my dad's ashes during his funeral. Otherwise, I do not show emotion in public.

And my uncle, I had gotten close to him in recent years. I didn't cry AT ALL until an entire year later. It took that long to sink in. My point here is that bad news affects people in different ways, especially when it comes to cancer and death and incurable diseases and so on.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you're wrong for feeling the way you naturally feel. If someone asks why you act a certain way, tell the truth. Tell them you are in shock about it, tell them you're coping in your own way, whatever. (Well, probably lie if you feel nothing, just say you're shocked about it or it hasn't really hit you yet. I've felt the same at times and my mom was always one to bitch about it, try to guilt me into crying or something because I act so "cold hearted." Whatever. Do what makes things easiest for both you and everyone else. If you have to lie a bit to get people off your back, or to stop feeling like they're judging you for your lack of emotional display, or because it will make them feel better, do it.)
Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes amyb's post
24-11-2012, 03:51 AM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
(23-11-2012 05:33 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Logica,

Honestly, not much at all, after about a second of shock, I don't think I felt anything.

Don't get me wrong, he is a much loved uncle, or perhaps that should be "was"... but I feel the same way anything like this happens; A second of shock and then nothing, or perhaps it could be better said as a odd calm kind of feeling, just sitting there not doing anything rather than nothing at all.
Hm. Do you feel anything about your own morality? Would you feel anything about someone even closer to you getting cancer? What person are you attached to the most?

[Image: Untitled-2.png?_subject_uid=322943157&am...Y7Dzq4lJog]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
24-11-2012, 05:19 AM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
Well I think my morality is just fine, if a little bent toward being rough toward others. If you mean mortality though that is a different story.

Truth be told, I have doubt that I'd feel much different, a somewhat similar situation happened where my father (whom I would consider myself very close to) had a heart attack, the only difference in my reaction then was I was angry about not being told earlier than I had been. I know it's not exactly inline with the hypothetical you purposed, but quite similar. I cannot imagine myself reacting any differently. Maybe I'd get angrier.

As for who I am most attached to, that's though, I guess I'd have to say my father.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
24-11-2012, 06:05 AM (This post was last modified: 24-11-2012 06:09 AM by Dom.)
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
Anger is very much a legitimate human reaction to upsetting news.

There are a number of emotions that set in when someone who was a daily part of your life dies or gets close to it. Anger is one, denial is another. Blaming also is normal, and of course grief. The sequence is not always the same. Everyone has a different seqence and time frame. But they all occur if the person was an integral part of your life, you were living together at the time. So, anger, blaming someone for it, ignoring it and crying are equally legitimate. Bargaining is another one that mostly religious people do - like promising to be good if the person comes back. Even atheists bargain, although it becomes an abstract "my kingdom for one more hug from you" kind of thing.

These reactions can occur right one after the other, they may not set in for a month, and sometimes it can even hit you years later. But if the dead person was a daily part of your life at the time, it will hit.

Then there are situations where the affected person was liked but not a part of daily thoughts and actions. Now the exposure in the past comes to influence things - but it will be a lot weaker than in the first scenario. You may actually miss your uncle years from now, when you do a certain activity associated with him in your brain. It may hit you then.

Now, if this was a person you had no actual personal relationship with, like you spent no time alone together, you mostly saw them at family gatherings and in a crowd of people or group of people, you will have less emotional involvement and you may never feel actual grief.

Obviously, your mom has lived with her brother for many years and her emotional involvement is much bigger than yours.

So, when that happens, it's your role to be supportive, not to be grief stricken.

Grief is not about feeling bad for the person who died. People disguise it as such because it is more acceptable in society. But it is really about how much of a daily hole is left in your life because this person isn't in it. It is all about yourself, not the deceased.

So, there are many factors influencing how you may feel. Especially when young, people often are shocked at their lack of grief. Well, youth is not supposed to grieve, (young children excepted) it's evolutionally not practical and it's not a part of preparation to face your own mortality, like with older people. You are not the first young person here on this board who said they felt nothing. That's because that is normal, and you shouldn't worry or feel guilty.

Just accept your own reactions, be it anger or denial or nothing or whatever. If they are not overpowering, you can be helpful to those who have a hard time dealing with it, and that is how nature intended it to be, it makes perfect sense for the younger generation to be less affected so they can be of help.

The only real issue you are having is that people don't understand all this, they are grief stricken and they expect you to be so also. But they will go back to minding their own emotions if you are helpful, and that will solve that.

So, no, you are not cold and there is nothing wrong with your emotional life. You are actually a picture perfect example of a young person - strong and able to perform at times when the older or weaker folk are not able to.

So don't let them push guilt on you! You are guilty of nothing whatsoever.

[Image: dobie.png]

Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Dom's post
26-11-2012, 01:58 AM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
You could be helpful in other ways. You can do research for other ways to cure the cancer. Sure they can't operate or at least that surgeon can't. Has he tried other opinions on that? Also our diet can have a lot to do with it. Changing a few dietary items might help get rid of it as well. All you can do is give him the info. It is up to him to decide whether or not to go with it. Should I be diagnosed with inoperable cancer and they have no options, I would be spending my time eating and drinking things that I heard destroy cancer. If I have nothing to lose anyway, then what is the harm? I remember a co-worker I used to have that had a goiter (not sure if I spelled it right). Basically it comes from not taking in enough iodine. She told me that her doctor put her on medicine a while ago and it was not getting rid of it. I asked her if she ate fish very often or used salt for anything. Her answers to both questions were no. I told her that her problem can be caused by not taking in enough iodine and that she should try eating fish or using iodized salt as often as possible until the problem goes away. I also encouraged her to talk about it with the doctor and look it up online and then make her own decision. 2 months later her goiter was gone and she had switched doctors because, he flat out lied to her face. My point is that just because that surgeon doesn't want to try it, that doesn't mean that no one will. You do the research and it is his fault if he just wants to give up.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Birdguy1979's post
26-11-2012, 06:06 AM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
(26-11-2012 01:58 AM)Birdguy1979 Wrote:  You do the research and it is his fault if he just wants to give up.


I agree with everything you said, and it is what I did too and by switching where my husband was treated I was able to but him one more year - and it was the best ever, everything is so much more wonderful when you have faced death and escaped.

But - the sick person him/herself is not able to do this. Not physically or mentally able, such a progressed and life threatening disease is all consuming and the person is busy with physical issues (just picking up a glass can be a daunting task that requires all the strength and focus) and trying to grasp mentally what is actually happening in their body. At such a time, another person has to watch out for them.

That's why you need an advocate when you are very ill and in the hospital - someone who makes sure you are tended to, there are no mistakes made with medications (happens a LOT more often than you think) and so on.

So, no, it's not the sick person's fault. The sick person is fighting for their life and it's all consuming just on a physical level. Someone else needs to do the brain work and research.

[Image: dobie.png]

Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
26-11-2012, 06:31 AM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
Sometimes a lack of reaction is a reaction in itself. Your mind may just shut on itself out of pure shock (possibly not in this particular situation, though), until it's ready to handle it. At least that's my experience. I usually go emotionally numb and become even more logical and rational, and while I'm trying to deal with the practical aspect of the bad situation, my subconscious is working on dealing with the emotional implications. The tears and all that comes later.

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderĂ²."
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Vera's post
26-11-2012, 06:50 AM
RE: Family, cancer and lacking a reaction
(26-11-2012 06:06 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(26-11-2012 01:58 AM)Birdguy1979 Wrote:  You do the research and it is his fault if he just wants to give up.


I agree with everything you said, and it is what I did too and by switching where my husband was treated I was able to but him one more year - and it was the best ever, everything is so much more wonderful when you have faced death and escaped.

But - the sick person him/herself is not able to do this. Not physically or mentally able, such a progressed and life threatening disease is all consuming and the person is busy with physical issues (just picking up a glass can be a daunting task that requires all the strength and focus) and trying to grasp mentally what is actually happening in their body. At such a time, another person has to watch out for them.

That's why you need an advocate when you are very ill and in the hospital - someone who makes sure you are tended to, there are no mistakes made with medications (happens a LOT more often than you think) and so on.

So, no, it's not the sick person's fault. The sick person is fighting for their life and it's all consuming just on a physical level. Someone else needs to do the brain work and research.


This is where it helps to not be emotional. Many times when diagnosed with something like this, they are still up and around and lively enough to make choices. Many give up right from that point because they believe everything a doctor tells them. I shop for a doctor the same as I look for an auto mechanic. I want the doctor that can explain things clearly and is not afraid to brainstorm. If I have something wrong with me that can't be operated on by anybody else, I want the one that will say "Fuck it, you have nothing to lose by dying today.". Of course that is the worst case. I would try diet changes and other things first. If I am that sick, I have no problem signing release forms freeing the hospital and doctor from liability. The only time to give up is when life is no longer possible with the equipment you have. If you have another 50 years of life if they can solve your problem, vs a very painful 6 months and then death if they can't I choose the 50 years or death on the operating table.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: