Father just died
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11-02-2012, 01:50 PM
RE: Father just died
So much good advice already.

My outlook is this; the funeral is for everyone except your dad. If it's religous, and you aren't, then just remember that it's to comfort the religous. We all need to find our own ways to deal with loss, and if the religous funeral isn't the way for you, then search for your way. Perhaps you and your brother can search together. Meanwhile, try to be glad (I know that can be really hard) that at least those in your family that are religous will find comfort in the service.

As for following your dads wishes, I say good for you. When someone confronts you about them, simply respond with, "It is neither my decision, nor is it yours. It was my dads decision, and I will honor him by making sure those decisions are carried out, regardless of whether you or I agree with them."

I'm truly sorry for what you have to go through.

So many cats, so few good recipes.
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11-02-2012, 05:31 PM
RE: Father just died
(11-02-2012 03:14 AM)Democritus74 Wrote:  Please anyone with some advice that could help me I could use it. It's 4:10 am and in a little over 4 hours I will be meeting with my family to go to the funeral home. I am really stressing over this. Im gonna be seeing my Dad for the first time since he had just been declared dead. The image of him laying there is burnt in to my memory and I am hurting so bad. And I don't know how I am gonna face this.
I understand it feels like the service is racing towards you like a runaway fright train. I think, while I'm writing this, the it's already over.

How do you feel now?

Observer

Agnostic atheist
Secular humanist
Emotional rationalist
Disclaimer: Don’t mix the personal opinion above with the absolute and objective truth. Remember to think for yourself. Thank you.
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11-02-2012, 07:25 PM
RE: Father just died
All I got is tears.

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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12-02-2012, 05:39 PM
RE: Father just died
Well it ended up being a pretty decent service. I wrote a eulogy of what I wanted to say about my Dad before the preacher done his good shepard speech that meant nothing to me. Me and my brother let a preacher say a few things to make the religious family members happy. But my eulogy is what made all the family and my Dad's friends happy. I broke down at the end of it when I looked at my fathers casket but did get all the words out. Me and brother did agree to let them have a burial with a headstone with his ashes. They wanted a place to visit and it wasn't a sticking point for me and my brother and my Mom wanted to do it so we reached a middle ground. Dad didn't care what happen with his ashes only that he was cremated. There was some who came to the service that gave condolences and the offer of prayers. But those where from people who didn't know me and my brother are Atheist so we just rolled with it. And none of our family tried to make it conversion opportunity to get us to become believers. All things considered I was happy with it all. Me and my brother are close and we never disagreed on anything. Now I guess comes the hard part. Living with out my Dad. For a minute I wished for a ignorance to think my Dad was in a afterlife to soften my pain. But that lasted all of a few seconds. I have so many memories of my Dad I could play a movie in my head daily and it never be a repeat. Thank you all for the kind words and advice. Im glad I actually have a place to come to with people who think like me and see things like me. In my bible belt area we are few and far apart. So again thank you.
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12-02-2012, 06:35 PM
RE: Father just died
Glad to hear the experience was not so bad. Sometimes there is a nice middle ground. Enjoy all those memories and we'll see what you can come up with on the site once you're ready to discuss things. Thanks for the post I'm sure many were wondering how it went. see you around.

I'm not a non believer, I believe in the possibility of anything. I just don't let the actuality of something be determined by a 3rd party.
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12-02-2012, 07:03 PM
RE: Father just died
(12-02-2012 05:39 PM)Democritus74 Wrote:  Well it ended up being a pretty decent service. I wrote a eulogy of what I wanted to say about my Dad before the preacher done his good shepard speech that meant nothing to me. ... But my eulogy is what made all the family and my Dad's friends happy. I broke down at the end of it when I looked at my fathers casket but did get all the words out.

Girly's already crying, is your eulogy too personal to share?

As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
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12-02-2012, 07:35 PM
RE: Father just died
(12-02-2012 05:39 PM)Democritus74 Wrote:  Well it ended up being a pretty decent service. I wrote a eulogy of what I wanted to say about my Dad before the preacher done his good shepard speech that meant nothing to me. Me and my brother let a preacher say a few things to make the religious family members happy. But my eulogy is what made all the family and my Dad's friends happy. I broke down at the end of it when I looked at my fathers casket but did get all the words out. Me and brother did agree to let them have a burial with a headstone with his ashes. They wanted a place to visit and it wasn't a sticking point for me and my brother and my Mom wanted to do it so we reached a middle ground. Dad didn't care what happen with his ashes only that he was cremated. There was some who came to the service that gave condolences and the offer of prayers. But those where from people who didn't know me and my brother are Atheist so we just rolled with it. And none of our family tried to make it conversion opportunity to get us to become believers. All things considered I was happy with it all. Me and my brother are close and we never disagreed on anything. Now I guess comes the hard part. Living with out my Dad. For a minute I wished for a ignorance to think my Dad was in a afterlife to soften my pain. But that lasted all of a few seconds. I have so many memories of my Dad I could play a movie in my head daily and it never be a repeat. Thank you all for the kind words and advice. Im glad I actually have a place to come to with people who think like me and see things like me. In my bible belt area we are few and far apart. So again thank you.

I'm glad that all in all the service went well. The middle ground you found sounds like it was a good idea that was satisfisfactory for eveyone.

My own father died 30 years ago this coming May, and I still play memories of him in my mind as you describe, like a movie. I still miss him a lot, and remember hin frequently.

Actually a film came out a couple of weeks after his death. At the end of "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan" Dr. McCoy says of Mr. Spock who has died, "He's not really dead, not as long as we remember him." I think there is some truth in that.
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12-02-2012, 08:48 PM
RE: Father just died
It sounds like you handled it really well. That's a good way to honor your dad.
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12-02-2012, 09:32 PM
RE: Father just died
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Democritus.
I don't know what else to say except that I wish you strength to help you through your pain and sadness.

Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return.
To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.
That is Alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange.
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13-02-2012, 12:12 AM
RE: Father just died
(12-02-2012 07:03 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Girly's already crying, is your eulogy too personal to share?

Maybe it would a cathartic moment or maybe too painful but I too would appreciate it if you'd like to share.

Cheers
DLJ
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