Father wounds
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26-08-2013, 08:43 AM
Father wounds
I lack a real father, I see that now. My dad wanted to be my buddy but he is sneaky. he has money but he didn't build a business. he was born on third and thinks he hit a triple. He frustrated my mother but she won't leave him but she is a great woman who has lost a lot, but she made the decisions as well to be true. I used to be more mad at her but now I'm angry at him.

He's so passive. He taught me nothing about work and nothing about women, which are the two most important things. he gets angry when I drive too fast (hardly). Or I should say irritated. He never gets angry. Mother says he reads the bible every day every morning for an hour but yet he won't spend time on practical things and needs.

I'm 31 and I'm only realizing this. I"m realizing this in the context of my life, wanting to be a great worker and lover. Those are the two most important things for me, my priorities, in those orders. Well in between, to have a social life and life of hobbies, but I know now that arbeit macht frei and I love my current job, installing irrigation systems, because I like working with my hands and tools though I'm studying accounting. But i realize my old man is a blocker of many things. he found a condom on my person and he said it's time to have a sex talk. A one minute talk how god wants it for marriage.

I'm still sexually frustrated but work helps me feel good and hobbies help me feel good. the american women here dress provocatively and enticingly and I am cursed with a visual arousal system and a little too much powerless or helplessness. I met again this finnish girl and a russian girl and what a contrast. I do not say this because I hate my american sisters, but because I love them and want to love them but they are hard, to me they have an attitude and personality problem but it is my responsibility to deal with it, but first of all to love myself, and I realize my sexuality is powerful and it is a gift to give another. Suppose I pull a woman's hair or stick my finger up inside her and make her cum. that is a gift I am giving her, as much as something i am receiving if not more, because women experience greater sexual pleasure than I can and do. I failed in life largely because I didn't know the value of things and I mis evaluated and mis prioritized as a result and had low self esteem.

I don't need some 20something hotty to lower my self esteem as a 31 yo.

But working trades makes me feel great. I will do swordfighting and dance classes, but I will study hard. My father is not my friend but my enemy, and a dangerous kind, one who harrasses and is sneaky. my friend pointed this out, how he seemed sneaky. Mother also pointed this out so it must be true but I can't see it because I'm in a spell still. I feel so spellbound in certain ways but most of all I need economic independence and power. I want and need to have bite not just bark. My sexual frustration belies or reveals greater disorder in my life which I have to fix up. I realize I can love, perhaps like most men, different than women, in that I can love many people at once. I can love many women at one time, and I will try.

Most important thing is not to esteem oneself too lowly no matter what happens, and to maintain and know one's identity and self, including sexual identity. Important to not try to compete for coolness, but to perceive of one's value in terms of one's functions, such as abilities to fix things, and create order and lead and take initiative and also innate self worth as a man. My dad lacks any ability to take initiative except when religion is mentioned my mother says he lights up. must be so frustrating for her. I learned how to look people in the eye including her. when they don't look you in the eye they have secrets. I have no secrets anymore, I can look people in the eye. She had some secrets, he has secrets. they speak very indirectly and logically. no wonder I am not direct and emotional in my speech, and my conversations do not lead naturally to the places I desire them to lead to- i.e. activities and perhaps sex and bedroom times.

But my libido keeps opening but keeps getting frustrated but keeps opening and trying. When it's not a world of pain it's a world of wonder, truly. I experience oscillations of pain and wonder, but arbeit macht frei.

You have heard it said love your enemies as well as your friends, but I say love your friends and hate your enemies, and I say your friends are often those who push you and force you to grow, such as work and study, and your enemies are often those who tempt you to party and relax and take it easy and not to worry. Hate those people. Hate is a virtue, there is a time for all things under the sun, a time to love and a time to hate, a time to build up a time to break down (destroy!)

The real free spirits of the sixties, what happened? Only the burned out hippies remain, the cowards and bums.

Balance I still seek. Arbeit macht frei.

Cranberries: So to hell with what you're thinking,
And to hell with your narrow mind,
You're so distracted from the real thing,
You should leave your life behind, behind.

'Cause I'm free to decide, I'm free to decide,
And I'm not so suicidal after all,
not so suicidal after all.


Must have bite not just bark. Bite is the most important thing

Arbeit macht frei
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