Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
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10-08-2014, 07:29 PM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
Jacob Wrestling God was a favorite one. Team Jacob 4 lyfe.

“You see… sometimes life gives you lemons. And when that happens… you need to find some spell that makes lemons explode, because lemons are terrible. I only ate them once and I can say with certainty they are the worst fruit. If life gave me lemons, I would view it as nothing short of a declaration of war."
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10-08-2014, 07:52 PM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
People have mentioned the stories of the Tower of Babel and Jonah, but I have different reasons for liking them.

Tower of Babel: It's supposed to reach all the way to Heaven, and yet it's so puny that God has to come down to earth to even see what they're doing. This also raises some questions about God's omniscience.

Jonah: The reluctant prophet. God tells him to warn the people of Nineveh, and he immediately runs as fast as he can in the other direction (that's why he gets swallowed by the whale/"big fish"). Eventually, he does go to Nineveh, spends several days walking through the city telling everyone God is going to destroy them, and then gets pissed when they repent and God doesn't destroy them.

Laugh out load
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10-08-2014, 08:35 PM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
My go to WTF? story is about the group that gets tortured and murdered for worshiping the golden calf. While Moses and god were hanging out thinking up the ten commandments, the Israelites got impatient and made a golden calf to worship. God noticed and got super jealous. While god was stomping his feet and throwing a tantrum, Moses calmed him down. Moses convinced god to chill while he go and see what happened. Moses went down the mountain and he got super mad when he saw the calf. He threw it into the fire and put the ground up calf into the Israelites water supply. This was not the final punishment! He then went and got a gang from the bad neighborhood, the Levites. He armed them with swords and commanded them to go kill the Israelites. After the massacre, Moses told the Levites, "I know you just broke one of the commandments, but don't worry, I'll smooth things over". Moses went back to god and asked if he could either overlook the Levites' sin or punish him for their sins?? God said "nope, maybe they were just following orders, but rules are rules" and he put a negative smudge by their names in his big book.
Israelites are dead, Levites are going to hell, and no one will ever listen to Moses again. Unless he does something real silly like part a sea or something.....
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10-08-2014, 08:42 PM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
The one where everybody dies.
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10-08-2014, 08:45 PM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
(10-08-2014 01:38 PM)Res Publica Wrote:  I like the part where Jesus dies. Goodbye motherfucker!

Laugh out load Thumbsup Big GrinTongue

Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.... on Donald J. Trump:

He is deformed, crooked, old, and sere,
Ill-fac’d, worse bodied, shapeless every where;
Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind,
Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
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11-08-2014, 05:51 AM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
Job, if only because the premise of the story sounds like a drunken dude-bro frat house bet gone awry.

Also, that one bit in Ezekiel 23:20...
-"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

[Image: E3WvRwZ.gif]
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11-08-2014, 08:11 AM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
The story of Samson is pretty cool, it's the biblical version of Hercules. It has some funny absurdities, like where he captures 300 foxes, attaches torches to their tales and they go only to Phillistine fields and set them on fire. Apparently he can talk to animals like Dr. Doolittle, he's as quick as the Flash and strong as Hercules.

This is another example of where the bible makes ridiculous exaggerations, even though it doesn't add anything to the story.

Maybe those here that are more knowledgeable about this than I could comment, but it seems like a superfluous story, Samson accomplishes nothing. Here's a summary:

1. He's really strong and becomes famous.
2. He gets involved with women he shouldn't have.
3. He raises all kinds of hell and makes a lot of enemies due to his bad temper.
4. His enemies finally catch him and execute him.

Israel's and/or Judah's history would have been exactly the same without him. What purpose did this story serve being included in the bible?

Gods derive their power from post-hoc rationalizations. -The Inquisition

Using the supernatural to explain events in your life is a failure of the intellect to comprehend the world around you. -The Inquisition
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11-08-2014, 08:11 AM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
Revelation....

Some real trippy shit in there.

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via GIPHY

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11-08-2014, 08:13 AM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
My Bible knowledge is pretty limited by the cherry picked Sunday School and Vacation Bible School classes, but wasn't there one story where this Samson guy with magical hair has his girlfriend ask him his weakness, so he lies and gives her a fake one, which she then uses to try and betray him, then they repeat that once or twice, then on the third or fourth time he gives her his actual weakness?

If there was, it wins as my favorite. It's nice to see a story where the idiocy comes from the character and not just from the entire situation, and God.

Popcorn I put more thought into fiction than theists put into reality.
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11-08-2014, 08:32 AM
RE: Favorite Bible Story Anyone?
I really like the movie Prince of Egypt about Moses.

Also high five to the dude who mentioned veggie tales! I still love silly songs with Larry Big Grin

Atheism is the only way to truly be free from sin.
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