Feeling insecure recently

[Percepticon]

At work but will totally get back to this thread later on

[GirlyMan]

(08-12-2012 05:28 PM)Percepticon Wrote:  But then at the same time, when I'm here on the forum, I have to avoid things like the picture thread and the 'hawtie' thread. I get really irritated knowing that everyone's ogling people who are undeniably good-looking, and I feel small and insecure; things like that lately make me want to just curl up in little ball and hide. Why couldn't I have been born with a face that people want to look at?

What makes you think you weren't, Valerie? You are beautiful. Your eyes are particularly spectacularly captivating. Girly calls hawwwwtie.





Oh heavenly blessed beauty, whose inner beauty is simply divine and everlasting, I would love to be your knight in shining armor. If you want to talk to a good friend, honest, sweet and tender, you can do with me at any moment, I am a good person, kind, loyal and sincere. My friendship that I offer you is clean and transparent. I congratulate to you, because you are very beautiful, your beauty, your charming figure, your pleasant and angelical smile, your personality, your happiness, your charm, your kindness, your beautiful eyes, your lips soft and exquisite, delicate your hands, your legs precious Your beautiful, spectacular and divine body, you have all these qualities and more, you are a wonderful and perfect woman, your gaze is tender and sweet, penetrating my soul. The beauty of a rose has no comparison with the sweetness of your face and the beauty of your heart. I am of the people, I like to have a good relationship with all my friends

[Observer]

Could it be Val, that your insecurity roots in a form of perfectionism?

You want everything to be perfect and therefore, you focus way to much on what can be improved and not on what's already more then average...

[GirlyMan]

Yes Valerie Ann, in response to your PM, you are correct. Unlike women and orgasms, I wasn't faking it. I swear you've got some of the most extraordinary eyes I've ever seen. Only ones I've seen which come to mind as even close are these:



Difference is there ain't even a hint of mirth in those and there's a shitload in yours.

(10-12-2012 02:05 AM)Observer Wrote:  Could it be Val, that your insecurity roots in a form of perfectionism?

You want everything to be perfect and therefore, you focus way to much on what can be improved and not on what's already more then average...

I think it's a cultural thing. When everyone is perfect, imperfection is the new beauty. In Sweden, where everyone is beautiful, this pock-faced fuck is apparently a goddam sex symbol. Hell, I could look like that. Just give me a couple months on meth.

[Percepticon]

(10-12-2012 02:05 AM)Observer Wrote:  Could it be Val, that your insecurity roots in a form of perfectionism?

You want everything to be perfect and therefore, you focus way to much on what can be improved and not on what's already more then average...

Thank you.....

Funny you should mention perfectionism. I am a perfectionist in the common sense of the word, though I recognize & apply two forms of the word--the common usage, which I'll term, "absence of flaws" is what I apply to, say, my work ethic, and my poetry.

But when dealing with aesthetics or persons, I recognize a higher form of perfection (this came to me in 2006)--I would consider the absence of flaws under this usage to be bordering on offensive. My sense of perfection in this manner is that a person, creature, thing, landscape, whatever, is simply wholly itself. What humans call 'flaws' (physical or otherwise) are necessary and indeed beautiful in the grand scheme of things.

Graffiti on the sidewalk mars the 'perfect' cement, but that's part of what it means to be urban. Some people think vultures are ugly and unsavory, but look how nonmaliciously they go about the business of being vulture. And what of us? You are perfect, as am I. Those who try too hard to be flawless, rather than accept and work with their humanity, are to me most tragic, as they don't see their own perfection.

That's not to say we're to purposely just let everything go to hell & be content with mediocrity & harmful behavior, but if you start with the honest & humble notion that you're perfect, you're beautiful, just as you are, then you become geared to tweaking an already good thing, not trying to 'fix' something that's fatally flawed. We're not broken, we're beautiful & perfect. And when I feel an affinity for someone, I want to know them, I mean really *know* them, for all that they are, good, bad & otherwise, secrets, flaws, whatever makes them who they are....and in so knowing, only to deepen the love. I had that kind of friendship once in my life, and it was two-sided; not sexual, but the deepest friendship I've ever known. Death ended that in 2011, but my one comfort is that we had the type of love we did.

So, in recognizing my own perfection, I often do find myself saying positive things about me to me, and smiling at myself in the mirror, etc. Sometimes I truly take delight in my own being. What I've found lamentable is when others don't see me that way; I feel sad when I want to try to connect with someone & they seem to barely notice me or care that I exist. It could be that people like me are too quiet, too inobtrusive so that the general populous wouldn't figure out that I'm a pretty cool person if they took the time to know me.

People's over-attention to the 'flawless' beauties makes people like me feel left out, less-than. It's not that they're necessarily purposely being dismissive....I mean, people can't help who and what they're attracted to, and heaven knows there are many people out there in the world who I don't care to look at (which in many cases might change were I to get to know them, and it works the same with 'pretty' people who act ugly)...but I try not to let it show if I can help it....my point is, though, when you receieve enough messages from society that you don't fit their standard, that who you are isn't enough, it affects you, sometimes to the point that contrary messages are hard to believe (but I do believe *you*, and thank you for the compliment ). The major reason anyone feels badly about their appearance or self-worth is because somewhere along the line, someone, usully more than one someone, told them a lie, and they believed it. We need to stop believing those lies, and we need as a society to stop teaching them to our children.


Girly, you crazy ol' dog (don't worry, I like dogs) ....thank you for taking the time to find my pics, copy germanyt's pickup line and come make me feel better. It made me laugh and cry all at once. As I mentioned above, it's people's over-attention to a certain flawless standard that makes people like me feel invisible or undesirable. Chopped liver, so to speak. It might be that I take it harder because I never really was the type to go all googly-eyed at celebrities and such; even in real life, while I can be attracted to various people, it takes more than appearances for me to feel the attraction. Damn....those pics were taken before I got my new super-hero glasses....look out world!

Ladyjane, you're very kind <3 Loved the story I used to be a doormat, too. It's hard saying "no"....I'm much better now at figuring out my boundaries & recognizing the need for self-care, so when I do offer myself, it's more calculated. I'm a bit of a snob at times, though, so while I might spend a tiny bit of myself on people here & there, only my favoritest get the best and most of me. And do you all see the hypocrisy there, me talking about my own snobbishness? Seriously, there are many wonderful people in the world, but how can we reasonably befriend them all? So it's not always necessarily about how undeniably awesome I am...it's about who I feel I can connect with, and I need to remember that not everyone will feel it like I do. It's just reeeeeaaaalllllly terrific when both parties feel the connection--that's chemistry right there. Oh, and Ladyjane? Correction: you're not imperfectly perfect. You're just perfect.

Anjele: Sorry about your mom. I swear mine had some psychotic episodes when I was young. She was in an awful marriage, and I guess I was the scapegoat. She's a totally different person now, and because of that I feel guilty talking about it. She doesn't even remember how she treated me, just that she wasn't the best at times. It hurts her to hear about it. I wrote a poem last year because I realized she'll never be able to validate what I went through. The poem is about validating myself. I'll check out the book title one day, thanks!

Vera: Your comment, "I've always said and will continue to say, that even if everyone around me was butt-ugly or dumb as a brick, that won't make me any more beautiful or smarter. Or vice versa." reminds me of this, from a poem by the Sufi, Hafiz, "With a wonderful God like that, why aren’t we all screaming drunks? Hafiz’ guess is this: Any thought that we are better or worse than another quickly breaks the wine glass." Religious connotation aside, it speaks to me.

GirlyMan, I've been working on this all day from my cell phone & just when I thought I was done you pop in? See above...damn, I'm tired!

I did notice that I seem to be recovering from my insecure times much more quickly than I used to, so maybe there's hope for me yet. I so appreciate all your thoughts & insights. Thank you for taking the time to read & write.... ~Valerie