Feeling really depressed lately?
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12-07-2013, 11:50 PM
Feeling really depressed lately?
Two months ago I returned from my wonderful semester abroad but my father died while I was away. It was very sudden and he was a drug addict that i had had sparse contact with over the last few years, but out of his children I was still the closed to him. I didn't have the money to pay for the extra flight home (it would have been about $900) as I have carefully saved and budgeted my own money to be able to afford a semester abroad.

These are two contributed factors to my current state of mind. I'm working full time this summer as a file clerk and many friends from college have stopped talking to me and friends from high school are to busy to see me. I feel so alone. I've had depression and anxiety problems since I was a teenager and they get really bad when I'm home. I'm staying with my mother until school starts again and I've got to say that I find each day more difficult and I doubt I'll make it to September.

My mother is apathetic to the entire situation. I don't feel like I can share anything with her. It's not that she doesn't care but she certainly never has time for me because my two younger sisters (19 and 17) are very demanding of her time. I'm currently 21. And my sisters don't just ignore me, they are cruel. I'm constantly called a whore, a man, ugly and they wake me up at all hours of the night by banging on my door. They do things like hide onions in my room when I'm at work or put glasses of water outside my door so that when I open it water and glass will be everywhere.

I feel like I'm in a mental and physical prison. Whatever joy I've had for life is fading away and it seems that whenever I reach out to people I'm pushed away. I always feel alone and feel like everyone hates me. Nobody every seeks me out and when I seek other people out I'm ignored or forgotten. I don't know what to do. I just want to feel a human connection again and I just want the pain to go away.
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13-07-2013, 12:45 AM
Feeling really depressed lately?
I'm so terribly sorry you have to experience so much pain.

It was just a fucking apple man, we're sorry okay? Please stop the madness Laugh out load
~Izel
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13-07-2013, 12:56 AM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
Can you move out ?

Sorry your fam is being shitty to you...

Also well done for paying your own way Smile
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13-07-2013, 01:06 AM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
What everyone else said/wrote.
Hug


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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13-07-2013, 01:39 AM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
Suffering from depression and anxiety myself, I know it can be tough when family members fail to understand how you feel.
I would try to talk to your family, especially your sisters. It's not like they're little children, they should understand your pain if you sit down with them and talk to them honestly. If they do not, you should really think about moving out, if that is in any way possible.

I wish you best of luck to get through this rough situation,
September is not so far away, hang in there Smile

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13-07-2013, 01:53 AM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
I feel your pain man. I used to go through something similar myself some time back. I felt like no-one really cared if I lived or died, and I din't really have someone I could call a friend. Sure, I had many acquintances whom I helped when I could and who helped me back if it wasn't too much trouble, but I couldn't share what was on my mind with anyone.

I grew closer to a person some months after this ruff patch started, and these problems have, if not entirely, at least vastly disappeared.

I suggest you try to do something like that too. I know it can't be easy, but having someone (friend, girlfriend, relative, whatever) to connect to really does wonders. Try to find someone with whom you've got a lot in common, maybe even someone who you think is going through the same things you are. Not only will your relationship help you, but it will also be beneficial to them.

I don't know what else to say, other than we're here for you and hope you get through all of this all right.

Also, congrats on being so independent, and having the inspiration to seek help regarding this matter.
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13-07-2013, 05:43 AM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
I can't really move out now. The only other family members that would really be an option is my grandmother but she's made it clear she doesn't want any of her grandchildren (even her adult ones) staying over. She says she's to old to be dealing with children again. I can't confide in her though because she's a chronic worrier and it will just make me feel worse to see her so upset.

I can't afford to move anywhere. I just had to pay my car insurance for the year ($800.00) and I just started working again in late June. I'm only making 11 dollars an hour and I'm getting about $100 taken out my paycheck every week and since I didn't work when I was abroad I won't have enough money.

That's another thing that gets me. I have to buy my own textbooks and take out loans to pay for college but my family helps my younger sister (19) as much as she needs and she just won money from a lawsuit and has been working all year so she has more money.
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17-07-2013, 02:07 AM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
I don't know if this helps and I admitedly only skimmed your post. Plus I'm absolutely wasted riht now. But I'm gonna throw something out there and hope it helps you in some way.

I remember after my first real breakup, I fetl like someone had drained every last ounce of blood from my body. I felt like a walking corpse. A member of the undead who hadn't yet felt the sweet and tender kiss of death. (I've written numerous threads pertaining to such feelings. Feel free to go to my profile and take a look) I couldn't confide in anyone, because I didn't feel they'd understand and I was sure I'd just come across as an "emo" who's whining about his first breakup. So I just kept my mouth shut.

At the same time, I was working a custodial job for the local school system. I don't know if you're familiar with custodial work, but it becomes very repetitive over time. My day consisted of doing the same monotonous tasks, over and over in the same, predictable order while music was pumped into my ears from my iPod. This environment created the perfect storm of intense, deep self-reflection. For obvious reasons, this was the last thing I needed at the time. I was at a really bad mental impasse in my life, and I was in mental solitude for 8 hours a day. As I cleaned the desks in the hallways or emptied the bathroom trashcans, I'd see teachers leaving for the day and feel the intense urge to reach out to them and beg them not to leave. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.

After going through this very same experience twice, I learned that the only thing which can ease the pain is time. I'm sorry you've experienced what you've experienced. Truly. And I'm sorry that your circumstances force you to come face-to-face with with your own mind on a daily basis. (Again, I skimmed, but this is no doubt what you're experiencing) It truly sucks right now. It will for a while. But as cliche as it may be to say: time heals all wounds. Even the most horrific, disfiguring, emotionally traumatic wounds will eventually heal in time. You may never be whole again, no. There may be unsightly scar tissue cast upon the once-imaculate facade that was your heart. But you will smile again. There will be a day when you will feel the surge of ecstasy that comes with a particularly beautiful sunset, and you will find yourself in a fit of uncontrollable laughter at even the most crudely-constructed joke.

When they say that "it gets better", they don't mean pain goes away. You've been wounded; there will always be pain if you poke and prod at the area for long enough. But in time, you will be able to live againn. Life truly does go on. Even if, at present, and on some visceral, unmentioned level, you don't want it to. A smile will once more cross your face and you will feel your heart swell with the exhileration which comes with simply being alive.


And this is coming from the most cynical, suicidal, "medicinally" drunk, currently-post-breakup bastard you'll ever meet. I absolutely promise you will never meet anyone more willing to leave this world behind than me. And yet I'm telling you: IT WILL GET BETTER.




If this has fuck-all to do with your original post, please feel free to ignore it accordingly.[/size]

Through profound pain comes profound knowledge.
Ridi, Pagliaccio, sul tuo amore infranto! Ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!
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17-07-2013, 04:00 PM
RE: Feeling really depressed lately?
Having come from a pretty messed up family, my heart breaks imaging the kind of emotional torment you're enduring. Many decades ago (heck, I was probably the same age as you) feeling trapped, I came very close to killing myself. I can say that I am so glad I didn't and that I would have missed out on a lot of awesome things that happened once I overcame that situation. Pain, like all things, is temporary.

I think you've figured this out, but it's worth saying - you are under no obligation to keep people in your life who are abusive, mean-spirited and unsupportive - doesn't matter if they share genes with you. As long as these people take up your time and emotional energy, you'll have none left over to nurture relationships that are meaningful and supportive.

And seriously, thanks to advances in medical science, there are some very good treatments for depression. My main regret now is that I spent so many years avoiding them. No one deserves to endure the kind of emotional hell you're in. So please get help if you are stuck and feel it's better to end it all. It won't change the fact that you're in a shitty situation but it will help you cope so that you can be proactive about it and not be paralyzed.

Remember that you're among the lucky few who beat the odds and were born at all. I hope soon your trials will be behind you and you'll be able to seize this gift and love it to its fullest despite its ups and downs.
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