Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
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26-07-2013, 09:27 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
(22-07-2013 09:52 AM)CCrosby Wrote:  I recently decided to turn away from Christianity and become an atheist. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church and most of my family with the exception of my brother (an atheist) are Fundamentalist Christians. I have been struggling with questions about why do we believe in a God and what the bible says for the past six months. So I decided to read the bible more and learn more about biblical history as well as the history of the world. My thirst for knowledge was not quenched. Even after praying, "supplementing myself unto God", and "seeking ye first the kingdom of God" I found and felt nothing. I no longer found a reason to believe in a God as my search for proof of my what's and why's turned up empty. I found so many contradictions and lies in the Bible that it drove me away. Even the concept of Hell is absolutely absurd to me now.

I recently came out to my fiance after six months of pondering about my atheism and the reasons why I turned to irreligion. Now me and my fiance have been together for three years and she has two kids from a previous marriage. She was also raised in a Southern Baptist, Christian household and considered herself a woman of God. Not even a minute into the discussion with her she says "I can't be with someone who doesn't believe in God". She then said "I would have rather you told me you slept with someone else". This made my heart drop...I mean how can someone be so intolerant? Someone I thought would understand a little better or act more "Christ like". Even I wouldn't have reacted like that. I knew I dropped the bombshell and that there would be some sort of negative reaction to me coming out as an atheist but seriously...it kinda broke my heart.

The next day I tried to talk with her more and give her my reasons why I believe what I believed and to no avail. She is overreacting and get emotionally distraught whenever we talk about me not going to church with them anymore. It's actually quite childish. After 3+ years of being together all she can say is "I need someone who is a Christian for me and the boys". After all I have do for her and those kids I am still being ostracized by her. It seems like I can't talk to her anymore and she has completely put this wall of ignorance up. I was met with negativity and anger and she was kind of remorseful for meeting me as she implied that she was with me because I was a Christian. I thought we were together because of LOVE! So I basically am in a dilemma because I feel that she wants to leave me. What does my non-belief in "God" have to do with us loving each other? What does "God" have to do with me being a great stepfather (which I am)? This is so crazy...

She probably loves you but wants a Christian man for a spouse. People want certain things in a spouse...lovable is just one quality of many.
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15-08-2013, 01:45 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
In a last ditch effort to try to get her to understand where I am coming from I showed my fiance a manifesto that I have been working on. It states what I felt about religion and why I chose to leave it. Instead of responding with a rebuttal she opted for the "god is real and has done all this stuff for me argument". I know this might be wrong for me to feel this way but I am extremely frustrated and disappointed in her lack of intellectual prowess in the matter. I expected a proper argument. Instead I got the typical Christian deflection and the "I have my faith" go to. I think we are going to have a serious talk about our future when we get home. You know, about our future together and what the hell we are doing. I for the most part feel that the love I had for her is gone. The urge is strong to leave her but I am worried about the emotional and financial implications. And most importantly the kids. They look up to me and they love me very much but this was a fucked up situation from the start. So I guess I will find out what I will do tonight.
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16-08-2013, 07:15 AM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
(22-07-2013 09:52 AM)CCrosby Wrote:  She then said "I would have rather you told me you slept with someone else".

Ohmy This absolutely floors me and no wonder it broke your heart. It would have broken most anyone's, I'd think. Hug

That's the shitty/scary thing about coming out is that you never really know how someone will react. When I came out, my husband questioned whether I had been led astray by reading the "wrong" articles (which kind of insulted my intelligence, but...) and whether I hadn't been diligent enough in getting answers (he thought I should have gone to a pastor and discussed it) but he didn't say anything like what your girl said to you. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

(22-07-2013 10:19 AM)Chas Wrote:  I am sorry to hear this. However:
  • Better now than after you married.
  • You have found that you take a back seat to God.

I agree that based on her reaction, you do take a back seat to the Celestial Overlord. And that sucks. I'm convinced, even knowing nothing about you save for this post, that you are an absolute saint compared to "Him".

Anyway, we are all here for you.

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16-08-2013, 11:49 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
I really hate that for you. It's a horrible situation, and I hate that y'all's difference of religion has caused this rift between y'all. However, and I really hate that I'm having to say this to you, be careful with how you handle this. My dad is agnostic and my mom a very devout Christian. My mom didn't know this until later in their marriage, and that was part of the reason they ended up divorced. I do agree with you that she overreacted. If she truly loved you, your religion or lack thereof shouldn't matter, but I know from living around only Christians that the majority of Christians say that they would only ever marry someone Christian. I hate that you're going through this and wish you the best.
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17-08-2013, 02:22 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
Sorry about your dilemna dude. I think it's best if you see that relationship in your rearview mirror! After all, you are not gonna become delusional again and unless she is gonna see the light along with you, that eventual union is gonna be doomed, not to mention , HELL ON EARTH, so to speak. Good luck,,,,,,,LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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17-08-2013, 04:42 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
(22-07-2013 09:06 PM)Hobbitgirl Wrote:  This is why it doesn't really work to date a christian when you're an atheist.

Its just too extreme a difference. You are better off just walking away.

Do you really want to be with someone who thinks that way of you, or people like you?

This. I get frustrated with hearing stories of theists who think their beliefs are more valid than an atheist's. She probably thinks atheists "believe in nothing" and laughs at the corny "April 1st is National Atheism Day" joke, too.

You have every right to believe whatever it is you believe, and she's a selfish, egotistical person for thinking her beliefs are better than yours.

I think it's best that you found out now rather than being married to a judgmental asshole. I say fuck her and find someone else. Unless you're OK with being the submissive husband who closets his beliefs.

“One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid,
and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision.”

- Bertrand Russel
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19-08-2013, 11:26 AM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
I'm inclined to agree with the above poster.

If the false sense of security that her beliefs provide her is more important than what you provide, then there is little use and little meaning in keeping it together.

My blog: http://nomereape.tumblr.com/
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22-08-2013, 10:51 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
(22-07-2013 02:36 PM)CCrosby Wrote:  Yet she still gets pissed like I am attacking her personally when I am not. I can't even have a normal discussion with her without her bringing up the negatives. Why can't we just live and love? We all coexist with other cultures in this world. She cant live in a house with someone with a different world view that doesn't just give the finger to everyone else who isn't a Christian?

This sounds like she feels personally rejected because of your disbelief in her values. DarkMatter2525 has an excellent vid describing this behavior:



You can lead a theist to reason, but, you cannot make him think.
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23-08-2013, 10:13 PM (This post was last modified: 23-08-2013 10:18 PM by Alex_Leonardo.)
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
Dude... if she can't accept who YOU ARE, she isn't right for you.

Unless you are a total %&*!
Then no one is right for you.

But you can help your situation, you can talk about it and settle it.
Consider
Consider this:
If you can't convince her, just CONFUSE HER. Say something so logical that she won't be able to even GRASP the idea for til next week.
works every time.

[Image: v0jpzpT.png]
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27-08-2013, 11:23 PM
RE: Fiance's overreaction to my new found atheism/agnosticism
Ok I just want to say that i grew up in a "southern baptist" family and my sense of reason was offended from a early age. I went underground and stayed there until recently.

The sentiment she expressed about "I would rather you slept with another woman" is not only common - I over heard it repeatedly growing up - its a bit of a mantra.

I would say run - this will never work. The southern baptist mentality is not just a religious view - its a way of life (and afterlife). Debate is not going to help - reason is not going to help. Southern baptist is not quite a cult but it is closer to cult than religion IMHO. I hope I am being reactionary and I am wrong but I dont think I am.

Jesus was more important than I was to my own parents - when I asked my dad when I was VERY young if he would have sacrificed me to God the way Abraham was willing to with Isaac he said "I would hope I would have the strength to but it would be hard - I hope God never asks me to".

Seriously - it goes that deep. So she is not making a judgement call on you when she says it would be easier to accept you sleeping with another woman. It is a simple fact - nothing is more important than Jesus (well technically the Holy Spirit is) but the "Good Book" says...

For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord

Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die
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