Finally a good therapist
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26-06-2017, 04:58 PM
RE: Finally a good therapist
Last session was a disaster...

I was opening up a little more about my "trans-ness" and how I had been very depressed lately because of it. So I think he wanted to do something nice for me and do one of those mind journey things.
I told my therapist in the past that I will neither meditate nor do those thought journey things because they put me in a bad place.
Well we didn't even get half through it because I had a mental break down - as predicted.
Then after I had calmed down, he asked me to write down my experience later in that day so next time we can avoid this from happening again.
Well I can tell him straight away, we are not doing this thing again. Whatever he wants me to think about, can be done in a conversation or in form of some kind of journal or whatever.
He said it would have had a nice ending etc but I am assuming that it is one of those "what's in the inside is what matters" things, and I agree to some extend. But my problem isn't that I don't like my inside, I like that part of me very much. My problem is that no matter what I decide, I and others will be in pain. Which pain will I chose? What is the thing that hurts the least? I guess the thing that only hurts one person (me). And dealing with that, that is what I need to know how. But quite honestly, I feel like having a broken leg and while other people can get their broken leg fixed, I am the one who cannot. So my "broken leg" really hurts and I know it will keep hurting because it will not get fixed. And accepting my "broken leg"... well sorry, doesn't fucking cut it. You don't simply accept the thing in your life that hurts you most - you fix it. And that is where I start running in circles and where I have spent years and years and fucking years trying to figure out how to get out of that circle. I don't see the way out other than the obvious one which I am not choosing at this point in my life.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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28-06-2017, 08:49 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
(26-06-2017 04:58 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Last session was a disaster...

I was opening up a little more about my "trans-ness" and how I had been very depressed lately because of it. So I think he wanted to do something nice for me and do one of those mind journey things.
I told my therapist in the past that I will neither meditate nor do those thought journey things because they put me in a bad place.
Well we didn't even get half through it because I had a mental break down - as predicted.
Then after I had calmed down, he asked me to write down my experience later in that day so next time we can avoid this from happening again.
Well I can tell him straight away, we are not doing this thing again. Whatever he wants me to think about, can be done in a conversation or in form of some kind of journal or whatever.
He said it would have had a nice ending etc but I am assuming that it is one of those "what's in the inside is what matters" things, and I agree to some extend. But my problem isn't that I don't like my inside, I like that part of me very much. My problem is that no matter what I decide, I and others will be in pain. Which pain will I chose? What is the thing that hurts the least? I guess the thing that only hurts one person (me). And dealing with that, that is what I need to know how. But quite honestly, I feel like having a broken leg and while other people can get their broken leg fixed, I am the one who cannot. So my "broken leg" really hurts and I know it will keep hurting because it will not get fixed. And accepting my "broken leg"... well sorry, doesn't fucking cut it. You don't simply accept the thing in your life that hurts you most - you fix it. And that is where I start running in circles and where I have spent years and years and fucking years trying to figure out how to get out of that circle. I don't see the way out other than the obvious one which I am not choosing at this point in my life.

I hear you, Rob. I vividly recall some of the same spiraling thoughts and feelings from not so long ago. The problem you'll encounter is this: even if you make a choice that you think only hurts you- and it keeps you in pain and depression- that still hurts those around you. It still affects them. It will eventually reach them in unexpected ways, your family will pick up on it. Or your behaviors will be affected. I really hope there's some kind of choice you can make that maybe is a middle-road approach or something.

I love you, friend, and I truly hope the best for you and your family. You're a good person and you deserve it.
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28-06-2017, 09:31 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
Why focus so much time on the pain of others? Perhaps you need to make decisions that hurt you the least however, you need to prepare yourself to explain those things to soften the hurt of others.

If you are making decisions that hurt others less and yourself more you are probably not shielding them from any pain. At most you are delaying it or they are feeling it through you instead.

IMHO you can't give your healing the proper focus if you prioritize the pain of others over your own.
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29-06-2017, 02:52 PM
RE: Finally a good therapist
Ok, I know I haven't answered. Sorry for that. I had to figure this thing out.

I spoke about this with my husband who is very supportive. He saw my struggle and pain and encouraged me to keep going to therapy. He also said he would like to help if he could.
My therapist mentioned last time, that he wants to offer me to bring my husband for a session at some point so I want to talk about it to him (the therapist) tomorrow.
Also I will tell the therapist, I would like the printed version of the mind journey thing and I will then read it at home. I am happy to do that. But the meditative kinda thing just puts me in a bad place and I don't want to do that.
My husband said something after I explained with the broken leg example. He said that okay, so it cannot be healed and so on but maybe I can learn in the therapy how to manage it.
I am not sure yet how to manage it but I would guess that it is something to work on.

Lately I have stopped completely to wear any feminine things (other than the bra) and that has made me feel better already. If I look in the mirror, clothed and below boob height, I am pretty okay with what I see. People started treating me less like a girl out on the streets, which feels good. I don't pass by a long shot. But I don't look girly, womanly in that sense, where people want to do stuff for you all the time (let you through the door first, help with the chair, etc), so that is a good start I guess.

@ohio: The only two people I am trying to not hurt are my husband and I. And that is important. I love my husband. We went through hell and back together and have a very close and warm bond. And while it will cause some pain for both of us that I don't transition, it would cause so much more pain on both of us if I did and then this would be the cause for the relationship not working out. My husband is straight as can be and he loves my brain as it is but he is not attracted to a male body. And sorry, but the physical aspect of a relationship is a very important one too. So it is not my prioritizing his pain over mine. I am just trying to cause the least amount of suffering. If things don't work out in the end, then the reason shall surely not be me being trans.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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29-06-2017, 03:18 PM
RE: Finally a good therapist
(29-06-2017 02:52 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Ok, I know I haven't answered. Sorry for that. I had to figure this thing out.

I spoke about this with my husband who is very supportive. He saw my struggle and pain and encouraged me to keep going to therapy. He also said he would like to help if he could.
My therapist mentioned last time, that he wants to offer me to bring my husband for a session at some point so I want to talk about it to him (the therapist) tomorrow.
Also I will tell the therapist, I would like the printed version of the mind journey thing and I will then read it at home. I am happy to do that. But the meditative kinda thing just puts me in a bad place and I don't want to do that.
My husband said something after I explained with the broken leg example. He said that okay, so it cannot be healed and so on but maybe I can learn in the therapy how to manage it.
I am not sure yet how to manage it but I would guess that it is something to work on.

Lately I have stopped completely to wear any feminine things (other than the bra) and that has made me feel better already. If I look in the mirror, clothed and below boob height, I am pretty okay with what I see. People started treating me less like a girl out on the streets, which feels good. I don't pass by a long shot. But I don't look girly, womanly in that sense, where people want to do stuff for you all the time (let you through the door first, help with the chair, etc), so that is a good start I guess.

@ohio: The only two people I am trying to not hurt are my husband and I. And that is important. I love my husband. We went through hell and back together and have a very close and warm bond. And while it will cause some pain for both of us that I don't transition, it would cause so much more pain on both of us if I did and then this would be the cause for the relationship not working out. My husband is straight as can be and he loves my brain as it is but he is not attracted to a male body. And sorry, but the physical aspect of a relationship is a very important one too. So it is not my prioritizing his pain over mine. I am just trying to cause the least amount of suffering. If things don't work out in the end, then the reason shall surely not be me being trans.

It is strange, isn't it? The differences in how you're treated by strangers and on the street? I generally quite like how I'm treated now (except for the creepy dude who walked by me a few months ago and got real close as he passed by and said, "Hey, baby girl, how you doin?". Ugh, sent shivers down my spine... made me look over my shoulder for a little while after).

In any case- I'm rooting for you Rob. Both you and your husband. I hope that you can come to a place where the dysphoria is manageable and you can both happily enjoy life together!
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30-06-2017, 06:46 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
(29-06-2017 02:52 PM)Leerob Wrote:  Ok, I know I haven't answered. Sorry for that. I had to figure this thing out.

I spoke about this with my husband who is very supportive. He saw my struggle and pain and encouraged me to keep going to therapy. He also said he would like to help if he could.
My therapist mentioned last time, that he wants to offer me to bring my husband for a session at some point so I want to talk about it to him (the therapist) tomorrow.
Also I will tell the therapist, I would like the printed version of the mind journey thing and I will then read it at home. I am happy to do that. But the meditative kinda thing just puts me in a bad place and I don't want to do that.
My husband said something after I explained with the broken leg example. He said that okay, so it cannot be healed and so on but maybe I can learn in the therapy how to manage it.
I am not sure yet how to manage it but I would guess that it is something to work on.

Lately I have stopped completely to wear any feminine things (other than the bra) and that has made me feel better already. If I look in the mirror, clothed and below boob height, I am pretty okay with what I see. People started treating me less like a girl out on the streets, which feels good. I don't pass by a long shot. But I don't look girly, womanly in that sense, where people want to do stuff for you all the time (let you through the door first, help with the chair, etc), so that is a good start I guess.

@ohio: The only two people I am trying to not hurt are my husband and I. And that is important. I love my husband. We went through hell and back together and have a very close and warm bond. And while it will cause some pain for both of us that I don't transition, it would cause so much more pain on both of us if I did and then this would be the cause for the relationship not working out. My husband is straight as can be and he loves my brain as it is but he is not attracted to a male body. And sorry, but the physical aspect of a relationship is a very important one too. So it is not my prioritizing his pain over mine. I am just trying to cause the least amount of suffering. If things don't work out in the end, then the reason shall surely not be me being trans.
Understood. Just don't cause unnecessary hurt to yourself, life can be shitty enough on it's own. Focus on being happy and things have a way of working out. I don't know you but I from reading your posts I admire the way you empathize with others.

Be happy. We are rooting for you.
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01-07-2017, 03:24 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
So yesterday's session was actually good. I think my therapist is doing some homework on transgender at least to the extend where he is not trying to "heal" it out of me. He is very open and honest when he doesn't know about something. So after talking about the previous session and some other things, we started to think about things that could be a release kinda. Some things that I can do or places I can go.
We talked a bit about packing and binding. But for certain reasons, both aren't really an option for me right now. So I have homework to look if there are places in my city, where I can go and be with peers. Something like that.
The funny thing is that he hadn't heard of packers before and so I had to explain what it is. I think when I explained, he felt a little bit embarrassed because he apologized and told me that he is learning about this right now. I told him that it's fine and explained. But that amused me actually.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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04-07-2017, 03:36 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
Hey leerob thanks for sharing. It sounds like he might be using the Victor Fkankl sociocultural model instead of the Freudian medical model. If thats the case it sounds like you got a keeper. I want to recommend Frankl's "mans search for meaning". The only good therapist i had recommend it to me and had ne read it three times in a row, each time from different perspectives. 1) the jew, 2) the nazi 3) the outsider who has empathy for both. It really gives a different perspective on ones life.
*he draws deeply from his own experience living in a concentration camp.
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04-07-2017, 07:06 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
My therapist isn't following any specific model. He draws from all kinds of techniques and models in whatever way he sees fit and he is very honest about the fact that he hasn't constructed a plan to follow but will "go with the flow" to cater to the individual.
Thanks for the book recommendation but I have no idea what it has to do with my specific reasons for going to therapy which are definitely not jew or nazi related.

"Freedom is the freedom to say that 2+2=4" - George Orwell (in 1984)
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05-07-2017, 02:40 AM
RE: Finally a good therapist
I am glad to hear that his approach is a kind of take things as they come.

When I refer to the model he uses I mean the world view (frame) he uses to construct his approach. What someone believes about how the world works effects what they do and how they do it.

The medical model of the world excludes influential factors such as events and people around us. (You feel think did X)

The sociocultural model seeks to understand events and people around us and the effect they have on our thoughts and behavior. (What caused you to feel think or do X).

A therapists world view effects what tools (techniques) they will use along with how they will use them.

I think you misunderstood what Mans Search for Meaning is about. The purpose of the book is to create empathy for and with ourselves, as well as those around us. The analogy of the jew and the nazi are stand ins for the victim and the victimizers. The hurt and the one who hurts. We all at some point hurt others around us. We all at some point are hurt by others around us. Sometimes the hurt is small, sometimes the hurt is large. By re-framing the world in this way and allowing ourselves to have empathy with the good and bad of our past self and others past self, we are able to move forward. Here is the greatest thing the book taught me, and it was a really hard thing to accept. Empathy with those who hurt me deeply does not excuse that they hurt me. What it does is it allows me to processes and understand the how and why of it.

Take the Orlando nightclub shooting for example. I was not there but it still effected me deeply. The idea that someone could walk into what is suppose to be a safe place for people like me and do such a horrible thing is frightening. I feel only the deepest of empathy for all of the victims. Including the shooter who was a victim himself. The level of self hatred he must have felt is awful to imagine. I in no way agree with or support what he did. I do look at him and say "But for the grace of the love and empathy around me go I.". I do not believe he was an evil man. I do believe that what he did was evil.

The book is a guide in a search for the meaning of life even under the worst circumstances. It looks at how our will to live is tied to the meaning we find withing our own lives. It shows the reader that they have the freedom to define the meaning in what they do or how they experience something. It asks and shows us that even in what seems like unchanging suffering and torment we can define how we will face it and what meaning we will take out of it.

For example what meaning do I take out of the Orlando shooting? We need to stop blaming and start increasing empathy and self acceptance, and we begin by understanding why he acted as he did. If he was gay and he hated himself for it we need to make the world around us a better place by showing people that it is okay to be gay. If did so because one of his children were gay and he thought this made him a failure as a parent we need to reassure people that what makes someone a successes as a parent is not if your children share your values, but a question of if they are happy healthy individuals.

Best of wishes to you in your journey.
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