Finally came out to wife
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27-01-2014, 04:54 PM
Finally came out to wife
Hello, I just signed up on these forums (also introduced myself on the "introduce yourself" area). I'm sure there's many posts like this, but I needed to vent/solicit advice.

I've been married for about 5 1/2 years now, when we got married I was a Christian (so is she) but during the past 4 years or so found my way out. I never really told my wife because it never really seemed worth the problems it can cause. She never asked why I stopped going to church, or why I was reading the books I was; it became a question of risk versus reward.

As time went on, I felt the need to be honest with her; after all, I'm only 30 and odds are we'll be together for the next 60 years or so. Last night she brought up the bible and how people can interpret it differently. I took this as my opportunity and mentioned that I don't believe it is accurate anymore. She asked if I believe in god, to which I responded, "no". She asked me what changed my mind and I told her that I read the bible, which really seemed to shock her. She became defensive and stated, "I still believe" and I told her that I know that, and understand. I brought up how I disagree with the bible's viewpoints on women & slavery, but decided it would be best to not mention the many other faults.

Afterwards, she went into the other room and we haven't really talked to each other since. I'm hoping that kissing goodbye and saying "I love you" before going to work is a good sign, but I'm still concerned. I realize that I just questioned a major part of her life (she grew up Assemblies of god), but I'm hoping that this ends well.

Anyways, thank you for reading; I hope it doesn't seem like I was rambling.
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27-01-2014, 04:59 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
(27-01-2014 04:54 PM)NWchgo_atheist Wrote:  Hello, I just signed up on these forums (also introduced myself on the "introduce yourself" area). I'm sure there's many posts like this, but I needed to vent/solicit advice.

I've been married for about 5 1/2 years now, when we got married I was a Christian (so is she) but during the past 4 years or so found my way out. I never really told my wife because it never really seemed worth the problems it can cause. She never asked why I stopped going to church, or why I was reading the books I was; it became a question of risk versus reward.

As time went on, I felt the need to be honest with her; after all, I'm only 30 and odds are we'll be together for the next 60 years or so. Last night she brought up the bible and how people can interpret it differently. I took this as my opportunity and mentioned that I don't believe it is accurate anymore. She asked if I believe in god, to which I responded, "no". She asked me what changed my mind and I told her that I read the bible, which really seemed to shock her. She became defensive and stated, "I still believe" and I told her that I know that, and understand. I brought up how I disagree with the bible's viewpoints on women & slavery, but decided it would be best to not mention the many other faults.

Afterwards, she went into the other room and we haven't really talked to each other since. I'm hoping that kissing goodbye and saying "I love you" before going to work is a good sign, but I'm still concerned. I realize that I just questioned a major part of her life (she grew up Assemblies of god), but I'm hoping that this ends well.

Anyways, thank you for reading; I hope it doesn't seem like I was rambling.

Do you sense she may be looking for assurances that you don't care that she still believes?

I would just continue to demonstrate that you're the same person you were before and remember actions speak louder than words.

Hug


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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27-01-2014, 05:01 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
I'll pray for you.

Just kidding. Hey, you've got a friend here. I'm in the same boat, and waiting for the right time to have the same conversation.

My wife already knows that most of Genesis is b.s. And she knows Exodus has problems. But we're still a long way from Jesus.
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27-01-2014, 05:17 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
Pretty much agree that it is loving compassionate actions that count.

Don't get into any disputes or arguments about it - these don't get anywhere because ultimately it is faith based & not arguing about the pro & cons of an evidence behind a research paper for example or some political views.

If approached in a calm inquisitive manner then can discuss what led you not to believe and discuss the problems with scriptures but always with sensitivity to the emotional response.

I have found that inquisitive non confrontational Socratic like questioning to be a great way to break the ice when someone is blamed for not believing & there is fear that they will end up in Hell. Eg..."it always bothered me after reading the Noah flood....how did those penguins get to Antarctica"...Smartass

Basically if someone behaves with empathy & compassion to the ones they love they cannot be faulted or become guilty. Sometimes revealing ones belief brings relief rather than having to hide or be passive aggressive when religious matters pop up. I know many relationships with people having different religious beliefs including lack of religion eg atheism which are successful.

The only tricky part is educating children. That's a separate thread & also possible to do well. (unless its a very fundamentalist household which doesn't seem to be your case - and usually problematic more for orthodox Judaism & Islam due to participation in so many rituals and religious laws.

A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence -
David Hume


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27-01-2014, 05:28 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
Sounds like she is thinking things over. I am sure such a shift will take some time for her to process.

I think that a kiss and love you is a good sign.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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27-01-2014, 05:32 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
She needs time to wrap her head around this new information and think thru different possibilities and how this might impact yours and her lives.

I agree with others- don't push to talk about, if she asks questions, answer them with kindness in mind. Keep the communication lines open.

It's a great first step. Just remember it took you a long time to let it go, give her that benefit too.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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27-01-2014, 05:33 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
Hope it all works out. The 'not talking' thing is a huge time waster. Make sure you let her know how much she means to you and how important your time together is to you NOW, since you don't believe in an afterlife (I presume). But maybe don't spring that on her until the topic of afterlife is brought up.
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27-01-2014, 05:54 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
Thanks everyone, I was starting to regret telling her; but all of your responses are reassuring. I don't want to get into an argument (I'm pretty much non-confontational), and I don't want to push the issue. I'm ok with her still believing, and I don't want to sway her decision if she begins questioning her own beliefs. We have 2 young kids, but she doesn't push anything on them (yet). The afterlife question I'd rather avoid, she lost her mom last October and she relied on religion to heal.

Momsurrounded: That's my plan. I don't really get a sense of anything, she's hard to read right now.
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27-01-2014, 06:08 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
Best of luck to you.

If you're a podcast listener (or even not, this might get you started), go listen to Seth's podcast about this topic:

Can Atheists and Believers Have Committed Love Relationships?
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27-01-2014, 06:51 PM
RE: Finally came out to wife
(27-01-2014 05:54 PM)NWchgo_atheist Wrote:  Thanks everyone, I was starting to regret telling her; but all of your responses are reassuring. I don't want to get into an argument (I'm pretty much non-confontational), and I don't want to push the issue. I'm ok with her still believing, and I don't want to sway her decision if she begins questioning her own beliefs. We have 2 young kids, but she doesn't push anything on them (yet). The afterlife question I'd rather avoid, she lost her mom last October and she relied on religion to heal.

Momsurrounded: That's my plan. I don't really get a sense of anything, she's hard to read right now.

If women were easy to read, life would be boring. Women love the idea that no one knows you better than they do and you have thrown her a curve ball.

She will still be grieving for her mother and emotional safety will be a big thing for her. Love her as you always have and in the way that made her chose you. It is probably more fear of losing you than anything else.
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