Finally saying hello
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28-11-2017, 07:36 PM
RE: Finally saying hello
(23-11-2017 09:20 PM)CallMeMarcy Wrote:  
(22-11-2017 04:10 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  I too am married to a "Christian" husband. The marriage took a jolt when I finally admitted (after more than 30 years together) that I no longer "believed" and hadn't for a long time. We survived it but it was a bumpy road for a while. Now more and more he has started to question his own belief system...

We too have survived the jolt, and others as well, but he insists on raising our 8-yr-old son Catholic. I am allowing it because it's the promise I made when we got married. Though I sometimes find that difficult, I'm teaching our son to be a skeptic, and I *think* he will escape the worst of what indoctrination has to offer.

I don't think hubby will let go of his religion easily. He is as steadfast as they come, and it's part of how he connects with the memory of his mother. I dare not interfere with that. But yeah, if he had questions or doubts and wanted to come to me, I would certainly be open to talking.

How long between your coming out and your husband voicing doubts?

Must have been somewhere between about 6 and 9 months. Those are waters I have to navigate very carefully. He is a recovering alcoholic (going on 8 years) and we owe a great deal of that recovery factor to AA. Where belief in a "higher power" is a big part of the meeting process. For a long time I feared that questioning that would threaten his sobriety. And here in "Tinytown" there is no non-secular version of AA. There are, however, secular meetings in "Biggercity" about 30 miles away and I have provided him with the knowledge that those exist. That's as far as I will push that and so far, he has chosen to continue to attend locally, where his "tribe" attends. It is a like another family to him. But he was not so much *raised in the church* so your husband's roots in that probably run a lot deeper than my husband's. The roughest patch for us was the first couple of months after I finally came out as an atheist. It hurt us both. Me, in that for some time he looked at me as if I suddenly has less value simply by being atheist. Him, in finding that I had betrayed his trust by keeping such a fundamental thing from him for so very long. My daughter took it a lot better than he did (she's in her 30s). I am still quite in the closet with the rest of my relatives. Some of the people here helped me to understand the importance of weighing the difference between being honest with myself and the damage it would do/fear it would give my elderly father to "find out" that his only daughter won't ever be joining him in heaven...

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." ~ Morticia Addams

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." Robin Williams
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29-11-2017, 12:56 PM
RE: Finally saying hello
(23-11-2017 09:20 PM)CallMeMarcy Wrote:  
(22-11-2017 04:10 PM)outtathereligioncloset Wrote:  I too am married to a "Christian" husband. The marriage took a jolt when I finally admitted (after more than 30 years together) that I no longer "believed" and hadn't for a long time. We survived it but it was a bumpy road for a while. Now more and more he has started to question his own belief system...

We too have survived the jolt, and others as well, but he insists on raising our 8-yr-old son Catholic. I am allowing it because it's the promise I made when we got married. Though I sometimes find that difficult, I'm teaching our son to be a skeptic, and I *think* he will escape the worst of what indoctrination has to offer.

I don't think hubby will let go of his religion easily. He is as steadfast as they come, and it's part of how he connects with the memory of his mother. I dare not interfere with that. But yeah, if he had questions or doubts and wanted to come to me, I would certainly be open to talking.

How long between your coming out and your husband voicing doubts?

My son's mother was Catholic, I was (and am) atheist. We agreed that neither could indoctrinate the other, but we were free to answer his questions honestly. I agreed to that because I was certain rationality would carry the day, and it has. He's twenty, and a rational-thinking atheist.

Now, he wasn't raised Catholic, so that's a difference, but keep on imparting rational skepticism. Children prefer, I think, clear reasoning to just-so stories.

Good luck!
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