Fixing my family.
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25-03-2014, 02:00 PM
Fixing my family.
I need some wise words of advice peeps because TBH I don't know what to do.

About one and a half years ago my brothers young daughter, Abbey, was diagnosed with having multiple brain tumours. She went to probably the best hospital in the UK, the Queens Medial Center and started an aggressive treatment of chemotherapy, they didnt want to do radiotherapy because of her young age (abbey was 2 when this started)

The prognosis was not good and they told us to expect the worse. To make matters worse my brother and his Ex-partner, abbeys mum, do not get on at all. Even though their daughter was dying they were as bad as each other for fighting and it escalated to the point where my brother was made very unwelcome to visit the hospital to see abbey by Julie's (abbeys mum) family.

It ended up with them attacking my brother at the hospital and him saying that he is not going to go and visit abbey anymore. I offered my full support to my bro to go and see abbey and I did get involved but in the end my bro caved in again. He was also finding it difficult to get to see Abbey financially/travel to, which I think contributed. Given the situation I wanted to make sure my bro was making the right choice. So I asked him if Abbey died, would he have any regrets in thinking that he might not of done enough and wished that he could of done more to see her. I myself would of took a kicking everytime if it meant a chance he could see her. Had he really done enough to fight and was he sure. He told me that he was and although I disagreed with my bro, I had to respect his decision and to keep offering my support to him.

When my bro caved in and stopped seeing abbey my sis took the complete opposite viewpoint to mine. She could not even comprehend how he could do such a thing and she wanted him to do more. To cut a long story short it came to a head and my sis ended up disowning my brother and cutting off complete contact.

I tried to reason with my sis at the time. I told her that when her husband went to prison for over a year for fraud, that I thought she was fucking mad for staying with him. For having to move her house,her life and to lose the custody of her children to their dad just so she could be with him. Even though I disagreed with her choice, I respected it and I stuck by her, through the thick and thin of it all and was always there. I could not understand how she could not do the same for my bro, but she is stupidly stubborn and there is no reasoning with her.

So cut to today... Abbey is still going, she has had many treatments of chemotherapy and they have took its toll on her body. She now has a lot of complications regulating her body temperature and possibly also brain damage. As sad as it is, if the tumors don't kill her then I think eventually the chemo will Sad . My bro has tried in that time to see abbey but her mum refuses and tells him to take her to court. My bro can not afford to do this though. Whilst abbeys mum has never refused me or my sis to see abbey she makes a lot of excuses all of the time and cancels a lot at the last minute, she makes it very very difficult.

My bro and my sis still dont speak. My bro asks after/about her when we are together but she never asks of him (I tell her irregardless though) and to be honest when this all cracked off I knew it would be good to give it some time for things to cool off but it is over a year now and there are no signs of improvement. When I talk to my sis about it she refuses flatly to talk whilst my bro is more open to a consolation.

I got mad at one point and considered fucking both of them off as a way of trying to force them to make up, that if they wanted to maintain a relationship with me then it was all or nothing but I was afraid it would backfire and I'm glad I never did.

So yeah... don't really know where all of this has come from but I am all out of ideas.

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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25-03-2014, 05:20 PM
RE: Fixing my family.
You can choose your friends but you cannot choose your friend's friends. Same holds with family, to the extent that you can choose to be friendly with whomsoever you wish, but you cannot dictate that person's associates.

Pushing either one of them may result in them pushing back. I would leave it alone. Be there for both of them as needed, but back off trying too hard to make them do things they aren't ready to do. Set a good example in how you behave towards others.

I'm sure you'd like a magic wand, but there isn't one. Focus on the main character, Abby. See what you can do for her. Adults will behave badly and there's not a thing you can do about it. Perhaps you can help Abby by bringing a little happiness some afternoon instead of more drama.

I wish you well in making peace with your situation.

We have enough youth. How about looking for the Fountain of Smart?
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25-03-2014, 05:33 PM
RE: Fixing my family.
Bemore, I've dealt with my fair share of shit with my own brothers, I have three of them.

Time is about all that you can count on to repair damaged egos and stances on principles no matter how distorted they may seem to you.

I think Thinkerbelle's advice is solid, concentrate on Abbey, keep your advice to yourself unless asked, and see how it plays out.

I used to try to be the peacekeeper and I can say that no good deed ever goes unpunished, so eventually I learned my lesson, let your brother and sister figure it out between themselves.

It is sad? Yes. Are you responsible for what others do? No.

I wish you the best.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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25-03-2014, 05:51 PM
RE: Fixing my family.
I have a brother that we haven't heard from in at least 10 years. It sucks, it's like a wound that never heals.

Thinker belle was right on. You can only set an example for all of them, your siblings as well as Abby's mum.

Keep reminding them that they have choices and what they are, like being pissed off is one thing but abandoning someone you supposedly love when they need you most isn't showing love, it's being selfish.


I call bad behavior out and offer better choices while still acknowledging that there is anger and hurt feelings there.

Giving cooling off time is needed but many times it turns into abandonment because someone doesn't want to be bothered.

Keep your focus on Abby, she's the only one who can't change the situation she is in while all the other players can.

Heart


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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25-03-2014, 06:11 PM
RE: Fixing my family.
Bemore Hug

Like the others have all said, you can't control what others do. You only can control yourself.

Be there as much as you for Abbey. That's all that really matters.


God is a concept by which we measure our pain -- John Lennon

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25-03-2014, 09:30 PM
RE: Fixing my family.
Really sorry to hear this, Bemore Sad

I think your sister is being unreasonable but there's nothing you can do...and the worst part is that eventually she will see this but how much damage has been done by her actions and is the damage reversible (?) Sad Sad
I think your bro should continue to try and see Abbey and not give up (can't he get legal aid?).

But, in the end they are all adults (although behaving badly) and there's not too much you can do.
It's sad they cannot put this 'in-fighting' aside and just be there for little Abbey.
I admire the fact you are trying the change the circumstances in which you find yourself.
Heart

Humankind Dodgy (a total misnomer)
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25-03-2014, 09:37 PM
RE: Fixing my family.
Everyone seems to be forgetting the child. Be a good uncle to and for her. You can't fix a bunch of people who are too selfish to put her first. Just be there for her and do what you can to keep her shielded from their stupidity.

The bottom line is that you can't change anyone else. But you can do the best you can do for your little niece. Buy a box of crayons and a coloring book and spend some time coloring with her and talking. Or something else she enjoys that isn't electronic so that you can actually be with her.

Heart and hugs.

I'm not anti-social. I'm pro-solitude. Sleepy
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26-03-2014, 08:24 AM
RE: Fixing my family.
Wow, bemore, that really sucks. It's sad to hear about adults acting so selfishly when a child is suffering and needs their support and love.

I think you should just continue to support your brother and his daughter in any way you can, and stay in contact with your sister and try to get her to come back around to supporting your brother. I don't have any advice on your brother's ex's family - they sound like real pieces of work. Just be there for him and his daughter as much as you can. And be sure to take care of yourself through all of this. I can only imagine how emotionally draining this all is.

Peace and love to you.
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26-03-2014, 09:13 AM (This post was last modified: 26-03-2014 09:47 AM by kingschosen.)
RE: Fixing my family.
CONTENT REMOVED.

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26-03-2014, 09:36 AM
RE: Fixing my family.
I appreciate all the kind words, thanks.

Abbeys situation is a stark reminder of how precious life and the time we have is and it just infuriates me that they have both wasted over a year now.

I have been wondering though if my sisters situation with regards to losing custody of her own children is part of the problem, she has said she has regrets about it all and maybe she is transferring that mindset onto this situation. That she wishes that she had done more and maybe now she expects the same from my bro, so he does not face the same regrets she has?

I'll keep digging and working on it.

Thanks again everyone, much love Heart

For no matter how much I use these symbols, to describe symptoms of my existence.
You are your own emphasis.
So I say nothing.

-Bemore.
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