Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
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30-11-2016, 11:53 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
OP. This subject really is about the guy who just came out. He had his reasons for not saying anything. His being gay has nothing to do with you. Think of him more than yourself at this point and things should be easier.

Good luck. To your friend. Wink

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30-11-2016, 11:56 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
TurkeyBurner nailed it.

What you describe sounds very normal. Just be open and honest with him and give yourself some time.

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01-12-2016, 12:24 PM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
I completely agree with the people who say it's completely normal what you're feeling. It's a very big and intimate part of who your friend is that you are just learning about. I also imagine that the fact you really want to react in a casual manner and not treat him any differently is making you a bit nervous. I know this happens to me. Sometimes wanting to act in the perfect, considered, casual way can make you nervous on it's own. Big pressure to put on yourself!
I'm bisexual. From my experience coming out all he cares about is the fact you love him exactly as he is and you think his sexuality is something positive. He knows that news this huge takes some processing. He is not judging your behaviour and he knows you don't have negative feelings about gay people, so you don't have to be afraid that he'll be upset by your initial awkwardness. He'll know that it's just because you love him and want to be the perfect friend.
If you want to share these feelings with him I'm sure he'll understand and you can bond over the fact you're both a bit nervous and awkward about the whole deal Smile

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02-12-2016, 08:00 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
(01-12-2016 12:24 PM)LadyDay Wrote:  I completely agree with the people who say it's completely normal what you're feeling. It's a very big and intimate part of who your friend is that you are just learning about. I also imagine that the fact you really want to react in a casual manner and not treat him any differently is making you a bit nervous. I know this happens to me. Sometimes wanting to act in the perfect, considered, casual way can make you nervous on it's own. Big pressure to put on yourself!
I'm bisexual. From my experience coming out all he cares about is the fact you love him exactly as he is and you think his sexuality is something positive. He knows that news this huge takes some processing. He is not judging your behaviour and he knows you don't have negative feelings about gay people, so you don't have to be afraid that he'll be upset by your initial awkwardness. He'll know that it's just because you love him and want to be the perfect friend.
If you want to share these feelings with him I'm sure he'll understand and you can bond over the fact you're both a bit nervous and awkward about the whole deal Smile

Thank you, great response. You somehow put some of my feelings into words in a way I wasn't able to. I do think wanting to act casual about it is a large part of my uneasiness. It is a big thing. It's not like he told me he's changing his hairstyle!

I think I may also harbor some guilt for homophobic jokes I may have made in the past. I'm talking about many years ago when we were teenagers. As I grew older I matured and my viewpoints evolved. I think the LGBT rights movement has really done a great job educating the public. I've even seen people in generations ahead of myself such as my dad really come to change his thinking on the matter. He has never been a hateful person, but in the span of 15 years I have seen him go from "it's fine if you're gay, just keep it to yourself", to "gay people should have civil unions, but don't call it marriage", to "who cares if gay people get married"? Now I'm a little off topic, but I just started thinking about how minds can change.
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02-12-2016, 08:13 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
(02-12-2016 08:00 AM)panthercougar Wrote:  
(01-12-2016 12:24 PM)LadyDay Wrote:  I completely agree with the people who say it's completely normal what you're feeling. It's a very big and intimate part of who your friend is that you are just learning about. I also imagine that the fact you really want to react in a casual manner and not treat him any differently is making you a bit nervous. I know this happens to me. Sometimes wanting to act in the perfect, considered, casual way can make you nervous on it's own. Big pressure to put on yourself!
I'm bisexual. From my experience coming out all he cares about is the fact you love him exactly as he is and you think his sexuality is something positive. He knows that news this huge takes some processing. He is not judging your behaviour and he knows you don't have negative feelings about gay people, so you don't have to be afraid that he'll be upset by your initial awkwardness. He'll know that it's just because you love him and want to be the perfect friend.
If you want to share these feelings with him I'm sure he'll understand and you can bond over the fact you're both a bit nervous and awkward about the whole deal Smile

Thank you, great response. You somehow put some of my feelings into words in a way I wasn't able to. I do think wanting to act casual about it is a large part of my uneasiness. It is a big thing. It's not like he told me he's changing his hairstyle!

I think I may also harbor some guilt for homophobic jokes I may have made in the past. I'm talking about many years ago when we were teenagers. As I grew older I matured and my viewpoints evolved. I think the LGBT rights movement has really done a great job educating the public. I've even seen people in generations ahead of myself such as my dad really come to change his thinking on the matter. He has never been a hateful person, but in the span of 15 years I have seen him go from "it's fine if you're gay, just keep it to yourself", to "gay people should have civil unions, but don't call it marriage", to "who cares if gay people get married"? Now I'm a little off topic, but I just started thinking about how minds can change.

Don't feel bad about your past mistakes. The important thing is that you changed. That's something to be proud off. Admitting to be wrong on a held belief and changing one's position as a result is a very hard thing to do and speaks highly of your character! We've all been stupid about something at some point!
Give your friend a great, big hug and his boyfriend a warm welcome and I'm sure he'll understand and let the past be the past.
Normality will soon be restored Smile

"I believe that while not all people are essentially good, most are trying" - Adam Savage
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02-12-2016, 08:16 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
Your friend feels comfortable sharing this part of his life with you. I think that says a lot about what you mean to him.

It's going to be fine...and if his new relationship works out your child may have two favorite uncles in the near future. Thumbsup

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02-12-2016, 09:05 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
Love is love is love. I hope you like the new mate personally, that will make it a lot easier. But even if you don't - seeing your friend happy will make you happy, too.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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02-12-2016, 09:08 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
(02-12-2016 09:05 AM)Dom Wrote:  Love is love is love. I hope you like the new mate personally, that will make it a lot easier. But even if you don't - seeing your friend happy will make you happy, too.

I really hope that part ends up being true! I had one good friend who we rarely see now due to the behavior of his wife. I'm sure many others have had similar experiences.
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02-12-2016, 11:48 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
Maybe your discomfort isn't so much over the fact that he's gay, but more that you're disappointed in his decision to keep it from you? Maybe you're concerned that he went through what must have been a difficult struggle with this realization about himself and didn't confide in you or ask for your help or support? Maybe you're concerned because you feel like he didn't think of you as a close enough friend to ask for your help? All I can say is that every person who goes through some kind of life-changing period of realization about themselves experiences it in their own way. Maybe he needed for this to be a personal journey so he could figure things out for himself. You should try not to look at it as him having kept a "secret" from you, but more that he had to walk his own path for awhile. Take comfort in the fact that you're one of the people he really trusts with this revelation. He's likely had a great deal of anxiety about how different people in his life would react to the news and clearly he trusts you enough that he thought your reaction would be a positive one. Like jennybee said, he's the same guy he always was, but now he's living his truth. He's starting a new and more open and honest chapter of his life and he wants you and your family to be part of that journey. Try to be happy for him.
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06-12-2016, 08:44 AM
RE: Friend came out as gay, I'm having some trouble adjusting
It's not uncommon to feel weird about something like this. The weirdness will go away with time. But if you're hurt that he didn't feel like he could talk to you about it sooner, I'd say that's valid, and if you can't set that aside then maybe you need to have that conversation with him. We all try to be the kind of person our friends can turn to for support through stuff like this, and when they don't it can hurt.

But you also need to remember where he's coming from. It's possible that he didn't really know he was gay himself until pretty recently. I know some people who always struggled in relationships and never realized why until relatively late in life, and then there's a whole period of trying on different sexualities or genders to see what erases that feeling of wrongness. And those things are hard to put into words. Sometimes it's easier to jump in head first, and figure out exactly what it is you need to say to your friends before saying it. But you won't know if you don't talk to him about it.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who has said it- not even if I have said it- unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - Buddha
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