Fucked up situation
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20-06-2016, 04:49 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
UGP, I'm so so sorry. Sadcryface Hug

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20-06-2016, 04:54 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
Words cant express.

I cant imagine what your going through.

Sorry.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
I am a rock, I am the sky, the birds and the trees and everything beyond.
I am the wind, in the fields in which I roar. I am the water, in which I drown.
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20-06-2016, 05:11 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
(20-06-2016 02:16 PM)undergroundp Wrote:  Where do I even start with this.

My mum and aunt were in a car accident. My mum is alright, just some broken ribs. My aunt didn't make it. My mum was driving. I feel numb. I cried, a lot, I don't know if I can cry anymore. This is so hard to process and my heart is breaking for my mum. My aunt was her little sister, 46, too young to die like that. She also lost her brother a couple of years ago to cancer. Fuck, it's too soon.

My mum still doesn't know about her death. We've told her she's in intensive care and that she's in a critical state. The doctors and the psychologist said we shouldn't let her know until she gets a bit better (it's just some broken ribs but her lungs are weak due to smoking and chronic illness).

It's so exhausting and horrible to have to wait to tell her. Hearing her ask to see her sister. And I need to wait and I have no idea how we can handle this. How she will handle this. The shock and the guilt and everything. We still don't know how the accident happened, but the woman driving the other car (who is perfectly fine) says my mum passed a red light. My mum is still dizzy from the shock and the painkillers but she says she passed no red light. It's also a kind of holiday these days in Greece so the cops weren't working on it. But it's most likely that my mum did something wrong. It was a new road (opened just ten days ago) and she didn't know it at all. I'm just hoping it was the other woman's fault, even though it most likely wasn't.

I just. Ugh. I don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Talking helps. I've exhausted my boyfriend's batteries and I need to vent. He's back in Athens and I came here to my hometown to be with my mum. But how can I be with her when I can't even look her in the eye? I can't pretend to be ok in front of her. I have this lump in my throat all day. I thought giving it a day would help. And it did. Just a bit. My aunt died yesterday. It's still so hard to process all this.

My aunt's death was shocking and sad, but I'm worried about my mum right now. Health-wise, she will be fine. But this guilt will haunt her forever. I was stupid enough to look up stuff about guilt people have after being responsible for a fatal accident and it made things worse. Apparently, it's one of those things that change your life forever. I don't want this for my mum. She's the best person in the world, she's a wonderful mother and she's worked so hard and sacrificed so much in her life to deserve all this. I don't know how we'll go through this.

I am so sorry, my condolences to your family.

It's so heartbreaking, just be there for her and see she gets good counseling therapy. This will be a long term support and she will likely have many setbacks but you are strong and that will mean the difference between learning to deal with grief and guilt or not.

Part of her guilt will most likely manifest itself as "you blame me, don't you, even if you don't say" she will worry that people will say one thing and feel another. You must be firm with her about this and assure her no matter who was responsible you do not "blame" her. Blame, to me, is a thing for "intent" and she did not intend to have this happen. You can be responsible for an accident for a variety of reasons but to say that you should have blame shamed upon you is not the same. That's why they're called accidents.

I wish I had more to offer to ease your pain and to help with what you and your mum will face in the coming months. I have little, except my grief for your loss and your mums tragedy. Please bring it here for us to comfort you whenever you feel the need. Sharing does lessen the burden, let us at least do that for you.

Hug

H

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20-06-2016, 05:12 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
Sad

Hug

It's never easy. I'm sorry.

Don't let those gnomes and their illusions get you down. They're just gnomes and illusions.

--Jake the Dog, Adventure Time

Alouette, je te plumerai.
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20-06-2016, 05:34 PM (This post was last modified: 20-06-2016 11:27 PM by Thumpalumpacus.)
RE: Fucked up situation
My condolences on your loss. I can't say anything about withholding the news from your mother, but I can imagine how draining that must be.

Be strong, and when you feel weak, reach out, to your boyfriend, friends, and/or us here.

Her long-term recovery will be an ongoing process, likely for the rest of her life. After she has reached acceptance, you'll still want to be alert to signs of depression, anxiety, and other forms of dysphoria.

My best wishes for your mother's recovery, in both body and mind, and my condolences to you and your family in this time of grief.
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20-06-2016, 06:15 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
So sorry to hear, glad that your mom will be okay at least physically. Hugs.

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
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20-06-2016, 06:50 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
Please know that my thoughts are with you right now undergroundp, and that I can only wish you and your mum all the very best for the future. This is a terrible tragedy for all concerned, and it's going to be truly devastating for your mum when she's eventually told that her sister didn't survive the accident.

As far as telling her right now, I tend to agree with the suggestion that initially—as she's already been told—her sister's condition is listed as critical, and in, say two days, upgraded to (unfortunately) deceased. I'm inclined to think that in her current fragile state, there's no need to potentially retard her own short-term recovery (within a couple of days at least) by overstressing her emotionally. Ultimately, it's now your mum you need to concentrate your energies on.

And don't forget, as Buddha said: You, yourself, as much as anyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

I'm a creationist... I believe that man created God.
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20-06-2016, 06:54 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
I want to echo what Heatheness said. When my dad died of a heart attack, my mom was the one to discover him. She kept blaming herself, thought what if she'd gotten to him sooner or maybe she should have tried to somehow get him down out of the truck and try CPR, etc. and I had to tell her (as Heatheness said, firmly) that this was no way her fault. That I didn't blame her. That no one did. I told her I knew how much she loved my dad and that I know she did everything she could. Whenever she would try to blame herself again or express doubt over it, I'd repeat what I said. I think it helped, even if a little.

I wish I knew what else to say. But we're all thinking of you in this difficult time. Hug

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20-06-2016, 08:04 PM (This post was last modified: 20-06-2016 08:34 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Fucked up situation
(20-06-2016 02:16 PM)undergroundp Wrote:  My mum still doesn't know about her death. We've told her she's in intensive care and that she's in a critical state. The doctors and the psychologist said we shouldn't let her know until she gets a bit better (it's just some broken ribs but her lungs are weak due to smoking and chronic illness). It's so exhausting and horrible to have to wait to tell her.

She already knows it. At least I know I knew when my brother was dead before the phone call from Tokyo. Dunno how that's possible, ain't got no plausible mechanism of action, but I knew what that phone ring was about nonetheless.

(20-06-2016 02:16 PM)undergroundp Wrote:  I'm just hoping it was the other woman's fault, even though it most likely wasn't.

Irellevant at this point.

(20-06-2016 02:16 PM)undergroundp Wrote:  My aunt's death was shocking and sad, but I'm worried about my mum right now. Health-wise, she will be fine. But this guilt will haunt her forever.

Never underestimate your mom's resilience. She's more worried about you than you worried about her.

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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20-06-2016, 08:22 PM
RE: Fucked up situation
Your mum needs you to lean on, be strong for her. Love her, hold her, cry with her.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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