Funeral
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
21-10-2015, 04:11 PM
Funeral
My girlfriend's grandpa died
So to work I say goodbye.
To Oregon I go...to a farm I don't know
To meet the religious side.

This side of her family praises and prays
And to them we must pretend.
Pretend we don't live together..pretend we don't have..well you know.
Pretend she attends church on Sundays.

I won't mention I'm atheist, not unless I'm forced to. But I surely will not lie.
I expect in the flurry of introductions and names I won't be prodded to that extent. After all, a man just died.

*sigh*, meeting her extended fam for the first time. I'm not a people person...I mean I am fine with people I just never look forward to groups of strangers.
I just hope when it's all over she's okay, and we can come back home and be happy for many more days Big Grin

I wish I could have made this whole thing rhyme, but I only had 5 minutes to write Tongue.

I haven't been to a funeral since I was 8...
See you all when I get back.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like Adrianime's post
21-10-2015, 05:11 PM
RE: Funeral
Best of luck to you. You can work them so you don't have to lie, and it may be the most stress-free way to go about it. Blessings are quite easy to offer and no mention of god is necessary.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes skyking's post
21-10-2015, 05:15 PM (This post was last modified: 21-10-2015 05:19 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Funeral
(21-10-2015 04:11 PM)Adrianime Wrote:  My girlfriend's grandpa died
So to work I say goodbye.
To Oregon I go...to a farm I don't know
To meet the religious side.

This side of her family praises and prays
And to them we must pretend.
Pretend we don't live together..pretend we don't have..well you know.
Pretend she attends church on Sundays.

I won't mention I'm atheist, not unless I'm forced to. But I surely will not lie.
I expect in the flurry of introductions and names I won't be prodded to that extent. After all, a man just died.

*sigh*, meeting her extended fam for the first time. I'm not a people person...I mean I am fine with people I just never look forward to groups of strangers.
I just hope when it's all over she's okay, and we can come back home and be happy for many more days Big Grin

I wish I could have made this whole thing rhyme, but I only had 5 minutes to write Tongue.

I haven't been to a funeral since I was 8...
See you all when I get back.

It's a pretty good rhyme. I went to a funeral for a friend of mine's wife in a negro southern baptist church (not sure if that's the right name but think that's what they called themselves). By the end of the ceremony I was balling my eyes out and singing along with them. (They really like to sing and dance. Like a lot.) I was there to pay my respects. Paying my respects meant participating and singing and dancing. I ain't got no issue with that.

#sigh
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like GirlyMan's post
21-10-2015, 05:34 PM
RE: Funeral
You go, you pay your respects to the family, you support your girlfriend...safe travels.

Sometimes we do things because it's the right thing to do, even when it's not easy.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 3 users Like Anjele's post
21-10-2015, 06:22 PM (This post was last modified: 21-10-2015 07:58 PM by jennybee.)
RE: Funeral
I am sorry to hear about your gf's grandpa.

I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate having you there to hold her, comfort her, and offer her support. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is still in the closet with her atheism, so you'll just have to play along that she is religious like she is asking you to. Obviously, a funeral is not the best time for her to tell friends and family that she is an atheist.

In terms of your nonbelief, I would just offer warm condolences to her family/friends. I am sure they will appreciate that your gf has you there to support her. Obviously, there could be some prayers and some woo and if it were me, I would just follow along with whatever your gf is doing. If she is saying prayers with her family, I would say them too, or at least hold hands and pray if her family does that sort of thing (if you feel comfortable doing that). To me saying prayers with believers is a way to offer support--even though I don't believe. They use religion and prayer as a coping mechanism and I really don't have a problem supporting them in that. They are just words and while the prayers don't mean anything to me, they do offer a comfort the people who believe in them.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like jennybee's post
21-10-2015, 06:58 PM
RE: Funeral
A funeral is a sad time no matter what one believes.
All you can do is be there for your girlfriend and offer support.

I'm a happy little vegemite. Hobo
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Annette's post
26-10-2015, 12:06 PM (This post was last modified: 26-10-2015 12:21 PM by Adrianime.)
RE: Funeral
Thanks all, I showed my gf this thread and she appreciates any kind words.

The funeral was sad, but it was kind of nice meeting that side of her family. I actually clicked with that side more than her other side. This was my first funeral since I was a child, so I didn't know what to expect. Her Grandpa apparently had donated buildings to churches and crap like that so a lot of the funeral was basically an infomercial for Christianity. "What we have, is because of god, and we must give these gifts back." Type of thing. "He was a man who so obviously embraced being a messenger of god." "We are here because we are christians and we believe he is even right now in the presence of our lord." I would say the service was about 10% comedy (intentional comedy), 10% about her grandpa, 20% about god working through her grandpa, and 60% just about their god. There was a lot of scripture reading, and "audience in participation" (read: cult-like chanting). But woven throughout the service were beautiful songs, religious yes, but beautifully sung by my gf's aunt and cousin (mother and daughter duo). They both use music in their life and profession so they are quite good and did all of the funeral music themselves. I cried a bit listening to some of the songs, and just looking at her grandpa's picture, who I had never met. At one point the room chanted the lord's prayer in unison (one of several prayers). The whole time I stayed silent. Partially because I didn't grab a copy of the program when I walked in by accident, and of course then there is the whole atheist thing.

Afterwards, at the reception, so many came up and offered condolences to the family. It looked exhausting. 300 at this memorial service. The man was 92. Her mom's sister came to the service, even though she has no direct relation to the deceased. Before That aunt left, she decided to take my gf and I off to the side because she really wanted to pray with us. We clasped hands and I looked down in silence as she prayed about how great god is, and how she hopes he gives us a safe trip home. I stayed silent. I looked up and saw tears in her eyes after the prayer was done. This woman has battled cancer for years, I can only wonder how she stays so devout.

After it was all over, my gf and I went on 1-day a mini vacation to the Oregon coast. I was intending to stop by Seaside and go to this treasure chest shop that I saw last time I was there because I wanted an awesome wooden chest as home decor....but we couldn't find the shop unfortunately. During our roadtrip I loaded some ThinkingAtheist podcasts into my media player and we played that as we drove. We listened to:
-The Atheist Wedding
-The Atheist Funeral
-The Elephant in the Room (thanksgiving one)
-Coming out to your loved ones as an atheist
-Special guest the friendly atheist
-The Christ that stole Christmas
and 1 or 2 others.

I kept asking if she wanted to stop but she said she found them fascinating. Last night I rubbed her feet while we listened to the "Grief beyond Belief" podcast. I want to at least listen to the "Grief without god" podcast before we stop as I remember that one being great.

Overall, it was sad to me that a man's life was extinguished and most of what was said was about how great their god is. It seems so disrespectful. My gf said it made her mad too, and she isn't even an atheist (more like an agnostic deist).





(21-10-2015 05:11 PM)skyking Wrote:  Best of luck to you. You can work them so you don't have to lie, and it may be the most stress-free way to go about it. Blessings are quite easy to offer and no mention of god is necessary.
Thanks, Luckily it never came up. I just went with the flow.

(21-10-2015 05:15 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  It's a pretty good rhyme. I went to a funeral for a friend of mine's wife in a negro southern baptist church (not sure if that's the right name but think that's what they called themselves). By the end of the ceremony I was balling my eyes out and singing along with them. (They really like to sing and dance. Like a lot.) I was there to pay my respects. Paying my respects meant participating and singing and dancing. I ain't got no issue with that.
Hah thanks. I love church music, especially the upbeat choir songs about love and happiness. I'll sing along to songs I know if I like em. But songs that are about the blood of Christ and how his death is what makes you a valuable person make me a little sick when I hear the lyrics. I'll participate as far as I'm comfortable, but I can't sing about how worthless we are without god.

(21-10-2015 05:34 PM)Anjele Wrote:  You go, you pay your respects to the family, you support your girlfriend...safe travels.

Sometimes we do things because it's the right thing to do, even when it's not easy.
Thanks Angie. I was never really worried about going. I know the death and mourning are much more important than my disagreement with their theology.

(21-10-2015 06:22 PM)jennybee Wrote:  I am sorry to hear about your gf's grandpa.

I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate having you there to hold her, comfort her, and offer her support. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is still in the closet with her atheism, so you'll just have to play along that she is religious like she is asking you to. Obviously, a funeral is not the best time for her to tell friends and family that she is an atheist.

In terms of your nonbelief, I would just offer warm condolences to her family/friends. I am sure they will appreciate that your gf has you there to support her. Obviously, there could be some prayers and some woo and if it were me, I would just follow along with whatever your gf is doing. If she is saying prayers with her family, I would say them too, or at least hold hands and pray if her family does that sort of thing (if you feel comfortable doing that). To me saying prayers with believers is a way to offer support--even though I don't believe. They use religion and prayer as a coping mechanism and I really don't have a problem supporting them in that. They are just words and while the prayers don't mean anything to me, they do offer a comfort the people who believe in them.
Thanks Jenny, I can't pray. I just...to me it would feel like punching somebody in the face for no reason. It just feels incredibly wrong, and I won't do it. I can respect their choice to pray and stay silent (which is what I did). I've never been religious, so maybe I don't have the muscle memory to just go through the motions like a previously religious person might, I don't know. My gf isn't atheist. She thinks there is probably "something". She does sometimes seem a bit anti-theist though. I believe that she thinks religions are BS regardless of what might be out there. We talked a bit about it on the car ride. She probably won't ever tell her family how she feels. She just wouldn't want to hurt them or have them look at her differently. She broke down Friday night at the hotel. It's so painful to see her like that. The break down only lasted like 15 minutes but I held her and we got through it. After wards we laughed at what was on the TV. I think the biggest thing to realize in times like this is that life goes on and you need to appreciate what you have and be grateful. Remember what is lost and be grateful you had it, but look back on the memories and smile. I want to make sure she knows she has a lot to appreciate.

(21-10-2015 06:58 PM)Annette Wrote:  A funeral is a sad time no matter what one believes.
All you can do is be there for your girlfriend and offer support.
Thanks Annette. Yes we talked about an afterlife and she said, "I'm saying goodbye to him forever, as if I'll never see him again." This was in response to me saying that her family might have it easier because they think they will see him again in heaven.


Thanks again all

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Adrianime's post
26-10-2015, 12:24 PM
RE: Funeral
One of the saddest things I heard was her grandma say something like, "I'll miss you my love, but I'll be coming to join you soon."

Gosh as an atheist it's just incredibly heart breaking to see somebody look forward to death in any way because of their religion.

Religion is so much about death. Seth's video "afterlife" I think it is called, is a great commentary on this.

I prefer fantasy, but I have to live in reality.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Adrianime's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: