Gay Marraige, Wedding Vendors Protest
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15-10-2013, 09:53 AM
Gay Marraige, Wedding Vendors Protest
The following is an article entitled, "Wedding companies that shun gays feel impact, for better or worse. " It was published October 14 2013 by NBC News, and written by Martha C. Whitehouse.

The following is a satirical article that I wrote. It is in NO way actual news. It is not a copy of the original article. If you would like to read the original, check the link above.


To opponents, they’re bigots; to supporters, they’re bigots with a good excuse. These florists, bakers and photographers who refuse to work on same-sex unions are worth a lot of money, so we should all care more about what happens to them. While the courts deliberate on how to explain basic civil rights to the uneducated masses , the vendors wait to see which half of America will be too pissed off at them to buy their products anymore.

“When you run a business, you will make more money if you don't refuse to serve random people.” said Evan Wolfson, founder and president of Captain Obvious INC, a campaign that supports stating the obvious nationwide.

It turns out, last time this kind of thing happened, someone made a law. Same-sex couples in several states have filed discrimination claims against businesses that refused to work with them. In August, the New Mexico Supreme Court was handed the case of a photographer who refused to take pictures. The photographer felt that if he photographed the wedding of a gay couple, he would be supporting gayness which is against his religion. The New Mexico Supreme Court ruled in favor of the gays, and against the photographer, explaining that they could not rule in favor of photographers. Apparently, it was against their religion.

“Whenever we have our own opinion, we should always remember that religious people always have more important opinions than we do. We should always live our lives according to their ideas, even if we do not agree, otherwise how are religious people supposed to have any kind of freedom?” said Chris Plante, spokesman for the National Organization for One sided Civil Rights.

Wedding vendors stated they won’t work with gay and lesbian couples and the groups that support them because that would be as good as admitting that they exist in the first place, and are not just straight people who are confused. New Mexico’s Supreme Court rejected this argument, saying, “It is well known to the public that gay people exist. Don't you watch any reality television?”

Florist Jody Fairchild-Vandekrol, owner of Flowers on Fourth in Grinnell, Iowa, said she doesn’t personally know anyone who wouldn’t work on a gay or lesbian wedding. Her statement was considered suspicious however, considering the prescence of Obi-Wan-Kenobi repeatedly waving his hand and making her repeat "I do not have any redneck, gay hating, friends."

But the past president of the Iowa Florists' Association acknowledges that some parts of the country are not interested in tolerance. “If you’re in a more conservative community and if you did take gay and lesbian, or black weddings, you run the risk of being fair and impartial."

Some businesses have benefited when they publically express contempt for other people whom they do not know personally. In eastern Washington state, florist Barronelle Stutzman of Arlene's Flowers and Gifts has seen her Richland business grow since being sued by the state’s attorney general in April.

“People seem to need flowers a lot more often when she refuses her business to one small oppressed minority or another.,” her lawyer said, saying Stutzman’s revenues have grown by 3 percent or 4 percent since her refusal to be a decent human being to others made news. “She’s received a tremendous amount of support from a community that I did not know could actually read the newspaper.” the lawyer said.

Sometimes when you have a fuck of a lot of money, people give a shit what you say about things you know nothing about. Dan Cathy, president of fast-food chain Chick-fil-A, explained to the public about how his nationwide sales of delicious chicken qualify him to make moral decisions for the entire nation. Angry citizens organized a protest, but were easily distracted by buckets of savory chicken.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee rallied supporters for a “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day,” during which supporters of Dan Cathy's statements ate chicken until they barfed, in celebration of their moral high ground.

Smaller businesses don’t have that kind of money, so we won't bother reporting on them at all. Screw them.

“Anytime you make business about politics, you might as well wear a neon sign saying 'I shit where I eat.',” said Fairchild-Vandekrol. “I think anyone that wouldn’t take on a homosexual wedding will eventually be assassinated by the gay mafia anyway.”

"Having intelligent concerned citizens comment on their statements wasn't what these business owners were hoping for." said Marcia Horowitz, senior executive vice president at How to Make this Major Fuck Up Look ok for Us INC.

“The bible was the last word on this subject as far as these local people are concerned,” she said. “It is only through all of this publicity that they learned about all the people who reason these kinds of things out using their conscience. It has been really hard on them.”

Like marriage itself, these vendors are taking on the impact of their decisions, even when they are not in the mood. On Facebook and Yelp, millions of people give their opinions on the subject and none of them were worth noting.

"Whether this position helps or hurts an owner’s business depends on the customers." Horowitz said. "This is Capitalism. Did you really expect it to be about right and wrong?"

Earlier this year, the Colorado Civil Rights Division determined Masterpiece Cakeshop had discriminated against a gay couple who tried to buy a wedding cake from owner Jack Phillips. They inspected the cake during the course of the investigation. It was perfect. Just a little bit too clean and well made for it to be meant for a heterosexual couple.

Phillips referred questions to his attorney, Nicolle Martin, who said that if Phillips loses the case, he would stop making wedding cakes and have a tantrum before being put to bed. “Everybody knows you can make people pay out the ass for wedding cakes,” Martin said. “Being threatened with the closure of your business because of illegal activity that you admit to is really unfair."

But as Jennifer Pizer, Vice President of Good Sense United, put it, “If you permit religious views to trump the nondiscrimination law, you might as well wipe your ass with whatever law you don't want to follow and say its for religious reasons. A good place to begin might be your parking tickets.”

Pizer referred to earlier civil-rights cases, such as landlords refusing to rent to mixed-race couples and restaurant owners with segregated dining rooms, as clear examples of what not to do. “History tells us there were white people who felt very strongly that the races should not mix, that God disapproved,” she said. "Fortunately god's opinion is easy for anyone to make up on the spot whenever they need to legitimize their cause. We knew it was bullshit then, and we know it is bullshit now."

However, Bruce Hausknecht, judicial analyst for Conservatively Endowed Hypocritical Assholes, said the following. “People don’t understand the difference between good discrimination and bad discrimination,” he said. "When my friends and I discriminate against people, its cool. When anybody we don't agree with does it, that shit is against the law!"

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness.

-Karl Marx
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