Getting help; an FT rambling.
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06-09-2016, 03:59 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hug

Love you FT.

Don't feel badly for getting upset. Don't be so hard on yourself when you do either.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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06-09-2016, 04:36 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Sorry you had such a bad day.

Most people are not aware that losing something that is very valuable to oneself can trigger the same type of grief we feel when someone dies - grief is not about who or what has disappeared from one's life, but how big an empty space it left.

It sounds like your computer left quite a big gap. I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can figure out a way to replace it soon...

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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06-09-2016, 04:51 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-09-2016 03:44 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Had a complete meltdown yesterday and I feel like total garbage because of it.
I just felt overwhelmed and couldn't keep together any more.

I've been dealing with motivation issues again lately. Then I got sick. When that mostly stopped I found I needed new specs. Which will take me months at the current rate will take a good amount of time to pay off.
Then my PC died out of nowhere. Even more money I don't have down the drain.
I just went mad and threw a screaming crying temper tantrum like a fucking child that didn't get their chocolate or something stupid like that. I feel pathetic. What kind of adult does that because their PC died?

To make matters worse, I caused my brother to miss his driving lesson, and my mother came home hours early from work.
I messed up two other people's days because I am too weak to keep myself in check over shit like that.

I just couldn't stop the thought "what will go wrong next?" from repeating in my head. Will one of the cats get sick or escape? House burn?

It's not right to undersell the importance of that PC to me: it is the sole thing in my life that I feel I can actually be somewhat proud of. I saved the cash together and of my own will cobbled a computer together. It functions as my lifeline; giving me my escape from reality when I need one, it links me to people I can more freely talk to.
And then it just dies. And after a few minutes of my head swirling, bang goes the dynamite.
Just needed for cent my frustration at my own stupidity. Speak later. Please forgive any wording errors, have to write on my iPod

[Image: bearhug_zps5kqkvfbj.jpg]

I hope tomorrow is better for you.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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19-10-2016, 06:37 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
So... been a while since I gave this thread the old necromantic treatment...

I'm pretty sure my meds have stopped working again, and at the worst time. Exams are coming. Or they would be, if I didn't decide to abdicate from my courses for the moment for my own well-being.
I've been progressively feeling worse over time lately. The bad thoughts have come back, and that little 'voice' in the back of my mind has come back louder. And it's stopped talking in second person.
It's been telling me to kill myself again.
Those thoughts aren't cruelly placed, though. Unlike before when they happened when I was under extremes of stress. At this point they have become normal observations, no different to seeing an item on the shelf discounted, or noticing a bird. It's hard to describe what it feels like... To have thoughts of suicide just casually go through your mind. I find it disconcerting, mostly because I don't actually feel anything when they go through, it's just offputting reflecting on it.

These thoughts have been growing more frequent over the last few weeks. Today is the first time I actually spoke about it in appreciable depth without attaching a joke to the end. I saw my doctor today because I needed a new script for my meds, and I told her about the thoughts. She got me to speak to the on-duty counsellor at Uni about it and my academics. I'll be trying to get my fees waived and my inevitable fails scrubbed with the counsellor's help in December, and my Dr. has requested I return to them when possible to maintain some close support. I'll be seeing my doc again on Monday, and in the meantime she will speak to the on-staff psych about my meds. He approved them after reviewing the diagnostician's report and recommendation, and my doctor is hesitant to push my dose up to 60mg a day without consulting someone in his field about it. Just have to bide my time and see what the doc decides on. My psych in on leave right now, so I can't go to her, even if she did have earlier appointments which is doubtable.

I'm sorry. I just needed to get this nonsense down and out. Don't worry about me, I'm not at risk. Trust me. I've spent a lot of time thinking through my Plan B options, and they don't exist, so nobody has anything to worry about, okay?

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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19-10-2016, 08:09 AM (This post was last modified: 19-10-2016 08:12 AM by Gloucester.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Missed this one before, mate, but have some inkling of where you have come from and where you are now from my own experiences

I hope you get the fees and academic stuff sorted, that must be a real concern and gets in the way of fixing the other stuff.

For what it's worth I have enjoyed many of your posts and hope to enjoy many more!

It is, sort of, ironical that my heart attack was the thing that cleared most of my stress and depression problems, not recommended as a cure though! Others I know went the opposite way with theirs.

Exercise does help, as does finding the self-discipline to keep it up. Mine was walking into town, 5 miles along the canal, at least once a week. Chore to start with but, in the end, got to miss it when weather was lousy. Made it a photographic expedition.

Keep going, we'll do what ever we can to help.

Tomorrow is precious, don't ruin it by fouling up today.
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19-10-2016, 09:47 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hug There are always lots of people here to listen and for you to lean on if you need it Heart
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19-10-2016, 10:25 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hang in there. We're here for you!
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19-10-2016, 10:28 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hey FT, if you ever just want to talk or vent in private I’m a willing listener, just PM me.

FC

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”~ Ambrose Bierce
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20-10-2016, 10:30 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thanks again for the encouragement guys. wasn't in the mood to really post back here until now. just letting you guys know I did read the posts.

Today has been an upday so far, those thoughts are still there though, but it's not concerning me. Hopeful I'll get some more effective drugs or something when I see the doc on Monday to keep me up.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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05-12-2016, 04:25 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Come the tenth and it will be two weeks since I started taking an upped dose (60mg/day).

Come the tenth it will also have been a week since I felt what I think was genuine fear... My meds being upped had not seemed to do anything, as is expected, but I was steadily feeling simultaneously worse and better. I was starting to zone out more often and for longer periods again. Then something unusual happened.

I went up stairs to fill my water bottle, and I saw a knife on the kitchen counter, I know it slices through flesh well; it's what I use to prep my meals when I have chicken. I stopped and stared at it, just sitting there carelessly for what must have only been a few seconds, but felt longer, then I picked it up. I started staring at the blade. I started thumbing the blade to test the sharpness. I could imagine pocketing it and going back to my room and opening my jugular, carotid, femoral or radial arteries. It felt like I spent a half hour just staring, running my thumb over the blade, feeling to pressure of the steel on my skin. Then the Defacto moved and I quickly put the knife down on the cutting board. Snapped from my daydream by the movement I got my water and went back to my room, sat at my desk and just stared ahead again. I can't remember having any real coherent thoughts other than, 'what was I thinking?' I basically shut down the rest of the day. My mind was whirling; if I wasn't chastising myself for even seeming to actually think of that, my thoughts were bemoaning my cowardice; it could have been done. Nothing could have stopped me.As the realisation really sunk in I started feeling sick. I felt like vomiting, I felt like I'd faint if I stood too quickly.
The thoughts feel like they are getting worse. It's not casual observation or suggestion any more. Yesterday I found myself actively pondering if I could rely on the nearly two meter tall balcony to provide enough drop to snap my neck. I've spent most of my time since that first incident just in a daze. Fiddling with my pens trying to keep my mind busy.
i tried last night to get it out of my head by looking at chat help services but I couldn't bring myself too. Just typing this I feel like shaking and curling back up on my bed.

This is the only place I can get my thoughts out and I feel super guilty about dropping this shit on the forum, but I have no other recourse to try to clear my head.

I'm so sorry guys.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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