Getting help; an FT rambling.
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05-12-2016, 05:21 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 04:25 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Come the tenth and it will be two weeks since I started taking an upped dose (60mg/day).

Come the tenth it will also have been a week since I felt what I think was genuine fear... My meds being upped had not seemed to do anything, as is expected, but I was steadily feeling simultaneously worse and better. I was starting to zone out more often and for longer periods again. Then something unusual happened.

I went up stairs to fill my water bottle, and I saw a knife on the kitchen counter, I know it slices through flesh well; it's what I use to prep my meals when I have chicken. I stopped and stared at it, just sitting there carelessly for what must have only been a few seconds, but felt longer, then I picked it up. I started staring at the blade. I started thumbing the blade to test the sharpness. I could imagine pocketing it and going back to my room and opening my jugular, carotid, femoral or radial arteries. It felt like I spent a half hour just staring, running my thumb over the blade, feeling to pressure of the steel on my skin. Then the Defacto moved and I quickly put the knife down on the cutting board. Snapped from my daydream by the movement I got my water and went back to my room, sat at my desk and just stared ahead again. I can't remember having any real coherent thoughts other than, 'what was I thinking?' I basically shut down the rest of the day. My mind was whirling; if I wasn't chastising myself for even seeming to actually think of that, my thoughts were bemoaning my cowardice; it could have been done. Nothing could have stopped me.As the realisation really sunk in I started feeling sick. I felt like vomiting, I felt like I'd faint if I stood too quickly.
The thoughts feel like they are getting worse. It's not casual observation or suggestion any more. Yesterday I found myself actively pondering if I could rely on the nearly two meter tall balcony to provide enough drop to snap my neck. I've spent most of my time since that first incident just in a daze. Fiddling with my pens trying to keep my mind busy.
i tried last night to get it out of my head by looking at chat help services but I couldn't bring myself too. Just typing this I feel like shaking and curling back up on my bed.

This is the only place I can get my thoughts out and I feel super guilty about dropping this shit on the forum, but I have no other recourse to try to clear my head.

I'm so sorry guys.

Tell your doctor! There are other meds out there. The ads on TV here clearly specify that if depression meds make you suicidal you have to tell your doctor about those thoughts and feelings.

Please FT tell the doctor. Hang on buddy...you may just need a different medication that works in a different way.

We need you here.

Much love my friend.

Angie

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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05-12-2016, 05:49 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
All of what Angie said! You don't need to be bouncing off the walls from the wrong medication.
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05-12-2016, 05:51 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
You're sorry?!? I'm Canadian and you just apologized to me for the crime talking to your friends because you're badly depressed. You sir, win a covetted Maple Raspberry.

[Image: 32389338-Heart-Shaped-Pancakes-with-Mapl...-Photo.jpg]

Seriously, don't apologize for this shit. You didn't ask for a brain that wasn't wired to code so stop feeling guilty about it. And stop feeling guilty about talking to us about it. Hell, we'd be pissed if you didn't.

I have precious little experience with real depression but it sounds like either your meds have stopped working or aren't working enough. Your ideation sounds like it's progressing to something uncontrollable which is the dictionary definition of Very Bad. You need professional medical attention and you need it yesterday. You should seriously consider a trip to the ER. It could prevent something much more horrid. Otherwise get in to see your Doc and do it really fast. In the meanwhile, do you have anybody who understands this who can come stay with you? Anbody at all? Don't be bashfull, this is the sort of situation for which people use phrases like, "I wish he'd told me."

Stay safe. Stay well. Don't do anything you can't undo. The world is a better place with you in it.

[Image: hugging_animals_14.jpg]

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05-12-2016, 06:12 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hugs to you FT. I'm with Anjele, call your doctor. We all love you here, FT. I am so sorry you are struggling, but I think you are a brave person and you can get through this. All of us are here to talk anytime you need it, but the first step is to call your doctor. Depression, anxiety--none of this gets to win.

PM me if you need to talk anytime Heart

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05-12-2016, 09:16 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thanks guys, being reminded that you are around here and care helps keep my head straight. I live in a house with three others but without this place I'd have noone to go to.

I'll be seeing my doctor on Friday, but I don't know if i can get an earlier appointment. I don't feel up to calling the health service right now.

At this moment I just feel like curling up in my bed and trying to sleep so I can forget everything so a while. My head hurts today, and I'm just tired. i keep loosing myself in my head. Trying to distract myself but I've not been very successful.

I've been depressed, sad, anxious, tired, scared before, I've had thoughts during moments of upsetness where I did think I might be better off nonexistent, but that was just impotent flooding emotion... The thoughts were a bit disturbing when they became super casual... It's further now and I don't know how I'm supposed to do with them.
Before, I would go out to my balcony to look at the sea or look for birds and the thought would come "Sea looks pretty calm today... Well I could hang myself here... oh there goes a Wattlebird.." Now it's almost like a compulsion; like I'm actively thinking them, even when I'm not. I don't know how to describe it. It's like the part of me that made those casual thoughts has taken over a bit and makes them active considerations. I mean, I don't want to die, but I can't get rid of the thought of doing something to that effect.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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05-12-2016, 10:00 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 09:16 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Thanks guys, being reminded that you are around here and care helps keep my head straight. I live in a house with three others but without this place I'd have noone to go to.

I'll be seeing my doctor on Friday, but I don't know if i can get an earlier appointment. I don't feel up to calling the health service right now.

At this moment I just feel like curling up in my bed and trying to sleep so I can forget everything so a while. My head hurts today, and I'm just tired. i keep loosing myself in my head. Trying to distract myself but I've not been very successful.

I've been depressed, sad, anxious, tired, scared before, I've had thoughts during moments of upsetness where I did think I might be better off nonexistent, but that was just impotent flooding emotion... The thoughts were a bit disturbing when they became super casual... It's further now and I don't know how I'm supposed to do with them.
Before, I would go out to my balcony to look at the sea or look for birds and the thought would come "Sea looks pretty calm today... Well I could hang myself here... oh there goes a Wattlebird.." Now it's almost like a compulsion; like I'm actively thinking them, even when I'm not. I don't know how to describe it. It's like the part of me that made those casual thoughts has taken over a bit and makes them active considerations. I mean, I don't want to die, but I can't get rid of the thought of doing something to that effect.

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? If so, are you seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders?
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05-12-2016, 10:22 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 10:00 PM)jennybee Wrote:  
(05-12-2016 09:16 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Thanks guys, being reminded that you are around here and care helps keep my head straight. I live in a house with three others but without this place I'd have noone to go to.

I'll be seeing my doctor on Friday, but I don't know if i can get an earlier appointment. I don't feel up to calling the health service right now.

At this moment I just feel like curling up in my bed and trying to sleep so I can forget everything so a while. My head hurts today, and I'm just tired. i keep loosing myself in my head. Trying to distract myself but I've not been very successful.

I've been depressed, sad, anxious, tired, scared before, I've had thoughts during moments of upsetness where I did think I might be better off nonexistent, but that was just impotent flooding emotion... The thoughts were a bit disturbing when they became super casual... It's further now and I don't know how I'm supposed to do with them.
Before, I would go out to my balcony to look at the sea or look for birds and the thought would come "Sea looks pretty calm today... Well I could hang myself here... oh there goes a Wattlebird.." Now it's almost like a compulsion; like I'm actively thinking them, even when I'm not. I don't know how to describe it. It's like the part of me that made those casual thoughts has taken over a bit and makes them active considerations. I mean, I don't want to die, but I can't get rid of the thought of doing something to that effect.

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? If so, are you seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders?

Not OCD, but I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder, with potential autism and/or social phobia.
My psychologist has been works primarily with young adults with anxiety and depression disorders

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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05-12-2016, 10:47 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 10:22 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(05-12-2016 10:00 PM)jennybee Wrote:  Have you been diagnosed with OCD? If so, are you seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in anxiety disorders?

Not OCD, but I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder, with potential autism and/or social phobia.
My psychologist has been works primarily with young adults with anxiety and depression disorders

The reason I asked about OCD, is that it can sometimes present itself as thoughts or obsessions of harming yourself. When thoughts come in, they come in as pop in thoughts, out of the blue, and cause tremendous anxiety. These types of thoughts associated with OCD can happen very frequently. The same anxiety producing thought pattern keeps coming back, almost playing like a loop in your head. The thoughts can cause extreme distress because you don't want them, yet they come in anyway.

I'm not sure if this is the case with you, but some of the comments you made in your post made me think this might be a possibility. Anyway, if what I wrote above sounds like something you are experiencing, I think it might be a good idea to share that with your psychiatrist. *hugs to you* I hope things get easier for you tonight.
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05-12-2016, 10:51 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 09:16 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'll be seeing my doctor on Friday, but I don't know if i can get an earlier appointment. I don't feel up to calling the health service right now.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but sooner would be better. This isn't the sort of situation that you want to let fester for a week.

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05-12-2016, 11:01 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 10:51 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  
(05-12-2016 09:16 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'll be seeing my doctor on Friday, but I don't know if i can get an earlier appointment. I don't feel up to calling the health service right now.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but sooner would be better. This isn't the sort of situation that you want to let fester for a week.

I just checked online, my doc is booked up or not working all the way through friday... maybe by then my meds will have kicked in and evened it all out

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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