Getting help; an FT rambling.
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05-12-2016, 11:54 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
FT just remember you are valued here. You're like our lil' bro. So don't go killing yourself. We all like you. Um. If I may ask, what are the major thoughts that make you feel depressed? I know a while back you were worried about academic stuff. Is there other stuff too?

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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06-12-2016, 12:19 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 11:54 PM)morondog Wrote:  FT just remember you are valued here. You're like our lil' bro. So don't go killing yourself. We all like you. Um. If I may ask, what are the major thoughts that make you feel depressed? I know a while back you were worried about academic stuff. Is there other stuff too?

Honestly, I wish I knew... I'm not sure how to separate the feelings and thoughts that are the cause of my issues from the ones my issues generate or if there even is a cause to it

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
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06-12-2016, 12:57 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 12:19 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(05-12-2016 11:54 PM)morondog Wrote:  FT just remember you are valued here. You're like our lil' bro. So don't go killing yourself. We all like you. Um. If I may ask, what are the major thoughts that make you feel depressed? I know a while back you were worried about academic stuff. Is there other stuff too?

Honestly, I wish I knew... I'm not sure how to separate the feelings and thoughts that are the cause of my issues from the ones my issues generate or if there even is a cause to it

Maybe you should do what the thread title says and ramble Wink Promise not to judge, you can do it by PM if you prefer. Even minor things can be big deals in dealing with depression.

Humans are complicated beasties - way more complex than the most complex machine. It's a miracle we function at all. And not surprising that sometimes something goes sproing internally. Just remember that like flu or polio or any other disease, depression isn't something that is your fault, it's a disease. Curing it or managing it is not a matter of "toughening up", it's a long process.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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06-12-2016, 03:14 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 12:57 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(06-12-2016 12:19 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Honestly, I wish I knew... I'm not sure how to separate the feelings and thoughts that are the cause of my issues from the ones my issues generate or if there even is a cause to it

Maybe you should do what the thread title says and ramble Wink Promise not to judge, you can do it by PM if you prefer. Even minor things can be big deals in dealing with depression.

Humans are complicated beasties - way more complex than the most complex machine. It's a miracle we function at all. And not surprising that sometimes something goes sproing internally. Just remember that like flu or polio or any other disease, depression isn't something that is your fault, it's a disease. Curing it or managing it is not a matter of "toughening up", it's a long process.

I've spent a while trying to write something coherent and I am having great difficulty. I don't know where to begin or what to say at all. It's not like I have a reason for the things I feel. They've just been there as far back as I can clearly recall. Frankly my life has been downright idyllic relative to the lives I could have been born into; I basically never wanted of anything other than comforts, I wasn't abused, or really bullied; I have no reason to be depressed (other than being depressed i guess).

I just am. I think... I've read that it's natural for some people to be infected with depression without trauma or poor circumstance; it just happens to some. I'm pretty sure my depression is it's own cause at this point, even if it wasn't a natural formation within me to begin with, it's self sustaining now.

It tells me I'm a coward too afraid to actually off myself and improve the world while telling me at the same time that I'm a coward for thinking about taking the easy way out. It says I'm weak, if I wasn't I would be thinking it. It tells me I'm a hopeless, helpless, shameful wreck not worthy of sympathy. It tells me that I am making itself up entirely just to get attention, that getting treatment is a waste of time for more valuable people because they could be helping people with real problems. The depression tells me that I'm a burden to everybody that knows me; that I'm a parasite that just sucks away everybody else's time and energy. I'm a retard that can't do anything right. It tells me some things I can't articulate as words or feelings.

It feeds Itself. Negativity fuelling more negativity. If there was an initial cause, that spark has been long since been consumed by the flames it set off.

I've come to the habit of trying to identify my depression as something that isn't exactly my, trying makes me feel a little better about it. Just like flu makes me feel nauseous, the depression makes me hate myself and forces unwanted thoughts to crop up.

I know defeating it isn't a matter of will power alone, if it was we'd not be talking about this. I spent too many years trying to push back to know otherwise.

I've weathered everything else my disease has thrown my way. I just need to make sure I weather this new form of assault too. And the next, and the next, whatever they turn out to be...

I'm going to try to sleep. It's early but I'm just totally drained after all that whatever it is

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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06-12-2016, 03:51 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 03:14 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I've spent a while trying to write something coherent and I am having great difficulty. I don't know where to begin or what to say at all. It's not like I have a reason for the things I feel. They've just been there as far back as I can clearly recall. Frankly my life has been downright idyllic relative to the lives I could have been born into; I basically never wanted of anything other than comforts, I wasn't abused, or really bullied; I have no reason to be depressed (other than being depressed i guess).
Sounds about right. Rich man with idyllic life can get malaria just like poor man. Same applies to depression. Fact is, you are fighting it, so big up to you. Also it's not surprising that you'd have difficulty writing something coherent. That's the nature of the beast. It's confusing as hell. I'd suggest if you do this again just really go full stream of consciousness. Don't worry too much about what sense you're making, just ramble Smile

Quote:I just am. I think... I've read that it's natural for some people to be infected with depression without trauma or poor circumstance; it just happens to some. I'm pretty sure my depression is it's own cause at this point, even if it wasn't a natural formation within me to begin with, it's self sustaining now.
Mhmm. I don't actually know a lot about the clinical stuff behind depression but that also sounds about right. You get into a hole you can't actually dig yourself out of, which is why you have mates Smile

Quote:It tells me I'm a coward too afraid to actually off myself and improve the world while telling me at the same time that I'm a coward for thinking about taking the easy way out. It says I'm weak, if I wasn't I would be thinking it. It tells me I'm a hopeless, helpless, shameful wreck not worthy of sympathy. It tells me that I am making itself up entirely just to get attention, that getting treatment is a waste of time for more valuable people because they could be helping people with real problems. The depression tells me that I'm a burden to everybody that knows me; that I'm a parasite that just sucks away everybody else's time and energy. I'm a retard that can't do anything right. It tells me some things I can't articulate as words or feelings.
Hey can you imagine what my life is like? I don't suffer from depression. I wake up every day and life is fun Smile I don't have to fight with myself just to get out of bed. I work, I earn money, I feel fulfilled and happy!

Between the two of us, who has more courage? The one who has it all easy and just fucking gets everything handed to him on a plate, or the poor sod who has to battle every single moment, and beats himself up about it at the same time?

Quote:It feeds Itself. Negativity fuelling more negativity. If there was an initial cause, that spark has been long since been consumed by the flames it set off.

I've come to the habit of trying to identify my depression as something that isn't exactly my, trying makes me feel a little better about it. Just like flu makes me feel nauseous, the depression makes me hate myself and forces unwanted thoughts to crop up.

I know defeating it isn't a matter of will power alone, if it was we'd not be talking about this. I spent too many years trying to push back to know otherwise.

I've weathered everything else my disease has thrown my way. I just need to make sure I weather this new form of assault too. And the next, and the next, whatever they turn out to be...
See that bolded bit? That shows that you're strong Wink No matter what your depression tells you.

Here's a suggestion. I don't know if it's possible. But... if you can, turn off the thoughts for a bit. What I mean is... you can feel negative about yourself anytime right? It's not like giving yourself permission to feel positive for a bit would be a problem. Say you feel like a coward and you feel sad about it and it's got you down. Just... if you were to take a decision, "fuck it, I'm not gonna think about it for a bit" and go for a walk and eat an ice-cream, you don't lose anything really. Even if you go right back to the same position you were in a. you didn't think about it for a little while b. you had ice-cream.

It helps if you have something to do - like a book to read maybe. Speaking personally, at a dark time in my life I was saved by webcomics - really. www.topwebcomics.com - go there, pick a couple. Pick some raunchy ones. Pick some dumb ones. Waste time and don't feel bad for doing so.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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06-12-2016, 05:35 AM (This post was last modified: 06-12-2016 06:15 AM by julep.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-12-2016 11:01 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(05-12-2016 10:51 PM)Paleophyte Wrote:  I'm sure I don't have to tell you, but sooner would be better. This isn't the sort of situation that you want to let fester for a week.

I just checked online, my doc is booked up or not working all the way through friday... maybe by then my meds will have kicked in and evened it all out

FT, you are most probably having an effect from the increase in your medication, and your doctor will want to know immediately and will take steps to get you seen immediately, not make you wait for an open appointment. It's not a matter of waiting for your new dose to kick in, this IS your medication kicking in.

One thing that can happen with some antidepressants is that at a low dose they make a small improvement in one's mood, but at higher doses what happens is an increase in energy/activation, and so people who ordinarily wouldn't have the energy to act on their self-harm or aggressive impulses now have the energy and use it. (This is the kind of thing that happened when we tried to increase my son's antidepressant medication, and it's not something to take lightly or try to handle through the standard, slow channels.)

If you call and explain what is happening to you, to your doctor or their on-call person, you will get immediate attention.

Please call as soon as possible.
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06-12-2016, 05:59 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 05:35 AM)julep Wrote:  
(05-12-2016 11:01 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I just checked online, my doc is booked up or not working all the way through friday... maybe by then my meds will have kicked in and evened it all out

FT, you are most probably having an effect from the increase in your medication, and your doctor will want to know immediately and will take steps to get you seen immediately, not make you wait for an open appointment. It's not a matter of waiting for your new dose to kick in, this IS your medication kicking in.

One thing that can happen with some antidepressants is that at a low dose they make a small improvement in one's mood, but at higher doses what happens is an increase in energy/activation, and so people who ordinarily wouldn't have the energy to act on their self-harm or aggressive impulses now have the energy and use it. (This is the kind of thing that happened when we tried to increase my son's antidepressant medication, and it's not something to take likely or try to handle through the standard, slow channels.)

If you call and explain what is happening to you, to your doctor or their on-call person, you will get immediate attention.

Please call as soon as possible.

I'll try tomorrow. I couldn't get myself to call today

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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06-12-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 05:59 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(06-12-2016 05:35 AM)julep Wrote:  FT, you are most probably having an effect from the increase in your medication, and your doctor will want to know immediately and will take steps to get you seen immediately, not make you wait for an open appointment. It's not a matter of waiting for your new dose to kick in, this IS your medication kicking in.

One thing that can happen with some antidepressants is that at a low dose they make a small improvement in one's mood, but at higher doses what happens is an increase in energy/activation, and so people who ordinarily wouldn't have the energy to act on their self-harm or aggressive impulses now have the energy and use it. (This is the kind of thing that happened when we tried to increase my son's antidepressant medication, and it's not something to take likely or try to handle through the standard, slow channels.)

If you call and explain what is happening to you, to your doctor or their on-call person, you will get immediate attention.

Please call as soon as possible.

I'll try tomorrow. I couldn't get myself to call today

Please call! I think this qualifies as a psychiatric emergency. You don't have to be bleeding for it to be an emergency. Hug
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06-12-2016, 11:33 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 03:14 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I have no reason to be depressed (other than being depressed i guess).

I just am. I think... I've read that it's natural for some people to be infected with depression without trauma or poor circumstance; it just happens to some. I'm pretty sure my depression is it's own cause at this point, even if it wasn't a natural formation within me to begin with, it's self sustaining now.

Yes. Your depression isn't you. It's a physical issue, not a mental one. Your thinking seems unable to control it. It makes you think you are crazy - it's like you can step outside of yourself and see your depressed you - and you don't know what to do about it, nothing works.

Is that close to how you feel? If so, I understand it. I have been there. I can try to help you find your path out....So, is it how you feel?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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06-12-2016, 01:05 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(06-12-2016 11:33 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(06-12-2016 03:14 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I have no reason to be depressed (other than being depressed i guess).

I just am. I think... I've read that it's natural for some people to be infected with depression without trauma or poor circumstance; it just happens to some. I'm pretty sure my depression is it's own cause at this point, even if it wasn't a natural formation within me to begin with, it's self sustaining now.

Yes. Your depression isn't you. It's a physical issue, not a mental one. Your thinking seems unable to control it. It makes you think you are crazy - it's like you can step outside of yourself and see your depressed you - and you don't know what to do about it, nothing works.

Is that close to how you feel? If so, I understand it. I have been there. I can try to help you find your path out....So, is it how you feel?

That sounds like an apt discription

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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