Getting help; an FT rambling.
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20-11-2015, 01:24 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Quote: I can’t suppress that critic in the back of my skull; saying I’m just wasting the time of others, I’m not worth it, I’m just weak enough for it to be a problem, turns out I am nuts, a doc said so, I should be able to deal with my own problems.
Also, I can’t help but feel vulnerable. I’m not used to letting people know what’s going on in my head outside of superficial stuff.

When a brain is new, such as a child's brain, it is essentially a recording device. As it develops it hangs on to things which have been randomly input and also dumps things in order to make room for more things.

Some recording devices hang on to things that are unnecessary, often out of choice, or lack thereof but sometimes, those odd random things just remain because the recording device simply has a skip. A thing or set of things never got errased or dumped and just continues to get louder & more distinct.... And keeps playing again and again, like a skipping record (it's like a CD - really old fucks still listen to them. Dodgy Seriously).

Skips can be attended to, both with medication and by actively retraining the brain and inputting different data to over ride the skip.

"Self talk" can help take charge of and counteract the content of the skip. When the "voice" says, "you suck and can't do this.", it has to be directly contradicted A BUNCH OF TIMES for each utterance. You have to retrain your brain to say different shit while smoothing out the skip. And like covering an old tattoo, it's gonna take a bit of work.

Bowing It's fantastic that you sought help!

But then, you have always been pretty brilliant, FT. Shy

A new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move to higher levels. ~ Albert Einstein
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20-11-2015, 04:06 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-11-2015 01:24 PM)kim Wrote:  
Quote: I can’t suppress that critic in the back of my skull; saying I’m just wasting the time of others, I’m not worth it, I’m just weak enough for it to be a problem, turns out I am nuts, a doc said so, I should be able to deal with my own problems.
Also, I can’t help but feel vulnerable. I’m not used to letting people know what’s going on in my head outside of superficial stuff.


Skips can be attended to, both with medication and by actively retraining the brain and inputting different data to over ride the skip.

"Self talk" can help take charge of and counteract the content of the skip. When the "voice" says, "you suck and can't do this.", it has to be directly contradicted A BUNCH OF TIMES for each utterance. You have to retrain your brain to say different shit while smoothing out the skip. And like covering an old tattoo, it's gonna take a bit of work.

Bowing It's fantastic that you sought help!

But then, you have always been pretty brilliant, FT. Shy

Yes, yes. I am a proponent of this kind of therapy. One can take charge, it just seems silly and odd at first, but it works.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-11-2015, 04:20 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
1) I don't think you need to worry about changing into a whole new personality. What I have gathered from my own experience it seems to be more like changing a bad habit. You can't really change who you are. But you can change how you react. I have no idea about how that change is going to come about. I'm still on that step.

2) The meds. is a temporary thing. And they are (again in my experience) more meant to fill the role of a crutch than anything else. They help you stay up until you can stand on your own.

3) I have no idea what you can do about your parents. If they don't understand now, then properly never will. I have given up on mine though I can rely a bit on my mother she do try to understand.

4) It is a hard road you are walking but stepping of it will not make it more easy. I think treating mental issues must be some of the hardest thing to do. As the treatment is so dependent on the personality of the patient. But I think it really boils down to: Are you satisfied with how you are now? And if not, is it something you need help in changing?

5) *Big hug*
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20-11-2015, 08:11 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I've been where you are FT. Ive wrote about it on these very forums and I have overcome and moved on since. I still have my "bad days" like everybody does, but they are few and far between now.

Taking Anti-Depressants will take the edge off of things. They certainly helped save my life but be patient, they can take between 4-6 weeks to actually kick in to a point where you notice.

We are creatures of habit. Everything we do is cyclical this includes thoughts as well as actions. Thats why it can be so easy to procrastinate and slip back into those activities that seem to ease our boredom and pass the time, the activities we wish we could sometimes change.

Going for a walk everyday will help. Along with getting some exercise it will also break you away from all of the distractions you have in your house and all those old thought processes that accompany them. Finding somewhere quiet just to watch a bit of time pass by on your own, helped me greatly when I was at my worst.

When you wake up in the morning, have a listen to this mindful meditation and do this for 21 days minimum. I recommend this mindful exercise in particular because it focuses on relaxing, focusing your awareness on some of the things you have in your life that you are grateful for and focusing your attention on picturing yourself how you would like to be today and everyday into the future.

Listening that that mindful exercise, or any other mindful exercise can be seen, at first to be a waste of time as it isnt a "quick fix". However if you look at it as an investment in yourself, investing time and implementing change and taking back control of your life and that it takes on average 21 days to form a new habit, then I think you will begin to see some subtle changes within yourself.

I feel so much, and yet I feel nothing.
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21-11-2015, 05:25 PM (This post was last modified: 21-11-2015 05:29 PM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thanks for your understanding and support, guys, it means more than my words can describe. I will definitely keep everybody's tips and advice on my mind as I go..

This place (or more accurately the people that inhabit it) really has become almost instrumental to my keeping everything under control since I showed up, and I expect over the next few months if not years it might become more so, so I'll beg forgiveness now for inane whining on my part later.

I'm feeling a little more organised in the head today, so I thought I should make a few responses I felt were needed (... I also felt the need to unload a bit more and they were good for it...)

everybody Wrote:The drugs will take time to work, stick with them.

I know that, I knew it before my psych told me. I just hope I'm one of those lucky ones where not much time is needed...

(20-11-2015 08:29 AM)Chas Wrote:  Get medication. Now. Thumbsup

It will be a while before I can start on any drugs; like I said, the psych wanted the doc I've been seeing to do some extra physical tests just to make sure. According to her, it may take as much as two weeks before the doc gets the psych's report and can get to work on it, and it will probably be another half a week if not a full one before the tests can be done, another for the doc to get and look over the results and consider where to go from there.

(20-11-2015 06:49 AM)Banjo Wrote:  Mate, all I can say is this. I listened to your interview and you sounded fine. And I have known crazy. Hell my own mum tried to strangle me!

I'm not surprised, honestly... The not noticing thing, not the strangling thing...
I've pretty much been fighting a solitary war with my own mind for the better (or more accurately, worse,) part of a decade now. Had I not been forced down the path that led me to the counsellor and eventually psych, I can tell you nobody in my real life would have been the wiser until it would had broken me completely. In order to cope and avoid annoying or inconveniencing others, I've largely adopted the mask of a normal person and I've had a long time to practise wearing it; I act just as 'happy' as anybody else (when I'm not being bombarded by anxiety, that is). Though sometimes, the mask does slip, sometimes its weight is simply too much to bear and the façade comes down and exposes what's actually going on, but it's been so long that my behaviour is considered my 'normal'; I'm just a shit who gets agitated and angry or sad for no real reason and just sits locked away in his room all day not doing anything.

As for your comments about getting out and doing things, I'm not remotely ready for that, Banjo. My depression has over the years whittled down my ability to enjoy things; the best way I can think to characterise it is that most of the time the world I inhabit is either dull and grey or filled with a burning and unreasonable agitation waiting to explode into an unthinking self-directed rage; either way leaves me with little motivation or patience for almost anything. Adding to that my near-crippling anxiety problems and I don't think I'm in a position to start trying anything yet. When I'm down the line of treatment and have some control over myself again, I'll have to start trying to find things in life I can really enjoy again, but for the time being I'll have to make due with my PC and the vague 'hope' it represents that sometimes I can escape the world I live in and find some small reprieve in the world of a game or the writing of a post that others might enjoy. Don't get me wrong, I still have good days and moments, but sometimes they feel almost non-existent.

(20-11-2015 04:20 PM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  4) It is a hard road you are walking but stepping of it will not make it more easy. I think treating mental issues must be some of the hardest thing to do. As the treatment is so dependent on the personality of the patient. But I think it really boils down to: Are you satisfied with how you are now? And if not, is it something you need help in changing?

I'm not satisfied with how I am now; I'm not happy living as I do, perpetually fighting to keep my composure and sometimes my goddamned will to live, having to deal with unending and unrelenting negativity that I can't shut down, having to use all my strength just to keep the wall up and everything hidden.
I know I need to change, I know I need help to do it. I can't do it on my own. But the questions rings in the back of my mind as to whether I even really want to change at all, because the life I've been living is all I know now; a dull, dark, and sometimes angry void, with rare points of happiness irregularly interspersed. I don't remember what I was before. The persona that my friends and family know me by, that I know me by, exists because of my problem. I don't feel like I can separate the how and the who, if that makes any sense at all.

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21-11-2015, 05:34 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I feel for you bro. I wish I had some words of advice that would be an immediate cure.

What I can tell you is that my mom went through years of manic depression and suicide attempts and I’m happy to report that she got through it with the help of medication and lots of understanding and compassion. I can’t help you with the medication but I can certainly extend an understanding and sympathetic ear.

You aren’t alone.

“I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.”~Mark Twain
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21-11-2015, 05:45 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-11-2015 05:25 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm not satisfied with how I am now; I'm not happy living as I do, perpetually fighting to keep my composure and sometimes my goddamned will to live, having to deal with unending and unrelenting negativity that I can't shut down, having to use all my strength just to keep the wall up and everything hidden.
I know I need to change, I know I need help to do it. I can't do it on my own. But the questions rings in the back of my mind as to whether I even really want to change at all, because the life I've been living is all I know now; a dull, dark, and sometimes angry void, with rare points of happiness irregularly interspersed. I don't remember what I was before. The persona that my friends and family know me by, that I know me by, exists because of my problem. I don't feel like I can separate the how and the who, if that makes any sense at all.
I totally understand. I have been there and at times I go back to being there. The way I ended up seeing it was as follows:

A part of my personality is "sick" or at least not healthy for me. That part is also the part of my personality that brings doubt to what I do. It is only interested in bringing me down, because that's the only way it get to stay. I tend to isolate myself. I feel so much better when I'm alone. When I'm social in a "safe" environment I can be really load and take up much space. But it cost so much energy that I can be dead tired two weeks after. But when I alone and minding my own business then I regress. I get to talk myself down. And start to feel bad. That's when I have to try a stop myself before I give in to the sick part of me. For me it seems I'm mostly controlled by emotions. The secret is to find the balance between the rational mind and the emotional being. To much to either side and you risk loosing yourself to it.

I don't want to give up. As long as I'm not given up by the system, I will keep on fighting. And the worst part is almost the patience. One have to be patient.
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21-11-2015, 06:22 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I just want to hold you until the pain goes away, but I know that you have a long road ahead of you. I spent years trying to find a way to shut the horrible voice down. It was vicious and told me that I was so worthless, why get up in the morning. Being intelligent is a curse when dealing with the voice because it will turn your logic against you. It will convince you that only the negative exists while there is nothing positive. But eventually you will find a way to neuter that voice.

I know that many have benefited from medications and your depression sounds serious enough for them to work. For me, they never worked. What did work is the recommendation that bemore gave about mindful meditations. They helped me to allow the voice to fade into the background. It is still there and says stupid things, but it is mostly noise. I learned to separate feelings from thoughts and from physical reactions. By doing this, I was able to shut down the whole spiral before my automatic thoughts drove me to despair. I also took up a hobby which is rather mindful. I have to watch during stressful times that I take care of myself with the meditations and the hobby time.

I think with the medications, the therapist, some meditation, and spending some one-on-one with the cats will bring your true self out. The one that can see the sunlight and not brood on the tiny cloud in the distance.

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21-11-2015, 07:59 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thought I would chime in with a few things. First off, good on ya for getting in to the therapist. Reaching out for help is the first step. Smile

My daughter was dealing with depression and we ended up getting her to a psychologist that she sees about once a month, and even though the psychologist isn't my doctor, I do go in there for the last half of each session and sometimes things are discussed that are difficult for me. Last time we went, I shut down emotionally because I couldn't handle the topic. I felt attacked even though I knew I wasn't really being attacked. So, I know being in there can be very difficult, even when you are not the patient.

It was hard for my daughter at first too. She didn't say much to the doctor at all. At first they just talked, but a little further in to her sessions and my daughter was prescribed an anti-depressant and it has done wonders for her. Smile She changed from a child who was coming home each day from school and just going straight to sleep (among other things she was dealing with which I won't discuss here, just to protect her privacy) to a happier person who was up and about and doing things with the family. It was a wonderful transformation to see.

Her father has given her a hard time about her medication. He doesn't like her being on it, for one thing, which hey it would be great if no one had to ever be on medication but if it helps my daughter to not be that person who was just sleeping her life away and hurting herself, then why make a deal of it? Who knows, but he has at times accused her of taking too many of the pills (which was not true) or other such things. Pretty much just being a pain about it.

People don't feel bad about taking an antibiotic or any other number of meds but somehow there is still a stigma around taking anti-depressants. There is absolutely no reason to feel bad about it! Not that you do or would feel that way, but I'm sorry - fuck anyone who would try to give you shit about it or make you feel bad. You are getting help and that takes courage, and a lot of it. Smile

Oh jesus I am rambling. Shy Your post just made me think of my kid is all. And you are a great kid as well. Hug You deserve some happiness in your life. I think you are on the way to getting there. Best of luck. Smile

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22-11-2015, 05:47 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mental health problems I found reading your posts quite moving because I could identify so much as I too have very significant mental health issues which impact my life on a daily basis, including crippling anxiety and that critical voice in the back of my mind that you so eloquently described.
I am on a good treatment regime although it took a while to kick in, so my advice would be to persevere with yours and try not to be afraid of taking medication it will not intrinsically change the person you are.

I take mirtazapine 30mg for depression quetiapine 200mg to control abnormal thought patterns and the magic bullet for me is pregabalin for my anxiety,on this regime I am doing well I'm able to function much better and the quality of my life has improved hugely.
You are not alone and I send you all best wishes and hope you start to feel better very soon.
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