Getting help; an FT rambling.
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26-01-2017, 08:44 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 08:01 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Got an appointment tomorrow with the new psychiatrist. Follow up on my new drug. I should be sleeping already, I'm running on fumes as it is, but I want to clear my head before my debriefing.

Last could weeks have been trying on me. I feel like with my new medications I've backslid further than ever before. I'm back to having issues reining in my emotions again, which has been compounded by some days just plain not going my way. Even small, stupid things are getting to me big time....

I haven't had any moments like the incident a while back, but the thoughts are still there. In some ways I feel worse than I've ever really been since treatment began.
Some days, especially if things haven't been going well I find myself genuinely wishing I could just die; some times I just feel like I can't keep going, that I've been fighting my own mind for so long I've lost track of time and I've not gotten anywhere. Some days I just want it all to stop, because I just can't feel it within myself to keep going, to keep up a seemingly futile fight. But I can't stop it. Life goes on regardless of my wishes and as ever I am powerless to stop it, no matter how desperate I get in those dark moments where I just can't keep it up and the straw finally snaps the camel's spine.
In the last few meetings/interviews I've had, 'hope' has been a big thing with my interviewers; they'd ask whether I still have hope that I can get better. I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's really damn hard sometimes. Then again, like I've said before, I don't even really know what 'better' means for me, it's been so long I still have difficulty comprehending anything other than my life now.

I've decided on some goals for this year; I want to pass at least three topics; make progress on my anxiety, and get over my difficulty being honest about this stuff with those trying to help me.
Hoping having clear overall targets like that will help keep me focused on progress, and stop me from fixating on the past too much.

I've played necromancer long enough, best be off and hope I get a good night rest.

Make sure you are super honest with your docs. Your meds are still not working right and need to be adjusted, and the can't fix you right if they don't know what's going on.

Love and hugs! Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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26-01-2017, 03:19 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 08:44 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(26-01-2017 08:01 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Got an appointment tomorrow with the new psychiatrist. Follow up on my new drug. I should be sleeping already, I'm running on fumes as it is, but I want to clear my head before my debriefing.

Last could weeks have been trying on me. I feel like with my new medications I've backslid further than ever before. I'm back to having issues reining in my emotions again, which has been compounded by some days just plain not going my way. Even small, stupid things are getting to me big time....

I haven't had any moments like the incident a while back, but the thoughts are still there. In some ways I feel worse than I've ever really been since treatment began.
Some days, especially if things haven't been going well I find myself genuinely wishing I could just die; some times I just feel like I can't keep going, that I've been fighting my own mind for so long I've lost track of time and I've not gotten anywhere. Some days I just want it all to stop, because I just can't feel it within myself to keep going, to keep up a seemingly futile fight. But I can't stop it. Life goes on regardless of my wishes and as ever I am powerless to stop it, no matter how desperate I get in those dark moments where I just can't keep it up and the straw finally snaps the camel's spine.
In the last few meetings/interviews I've had, 'hope' has been a big thing with my interviewers; they'd ask whether I still have hope that I can get better. I'm trying to be hopeful, but it's really damn hard sometimes. Then again, like I've said before, I don't even really know what 'better' means for me, it's been so long I still have difficulty comprehending anything other than my life now.

I've decided on some goals for this year; I want to pass at least three topics; make progress on my anxiety, and get over my difficulty being honest about this stuff with those trying to help me.
Hoping having clear overall targets like that will help keep me focused on progress, and stop me from fixating on the past too much.

I've played necromancer long enough, best be off and hope I get a good night rest.

Make sure you are super honest with your docs. Your meds are still not working right and need to be adjusted, and the can't fix you right if they don't know what's going on.

Love and hugs! Heart

I'm going to try to be honest with the doc, but it's not easy for me. Guess I'm used to lying to keep people off my back. It's going to be awkward to admit though... I may have omitted the truth to the doc's aides on their check up calls... Habit is hard to break

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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26-01-2017, 03:48 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 03:19 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(26-01-2017 08:44 AM)Dom Wrote:  Make sure you are super honest with your docs. Your meds are still not working right and need to be adjusted, and the can't fix you right if they don't know what's going on.

Love and hugs! Heart

I'm going to try to be honest with the doc, but it's not easy for me. Guess I'm used to lying to keep people off my back. It's going to be awkward to admit though... I may have omitted the truth to the doc's aides on their check up calls... Habit is hard to break

I know exactly what you mean because I have lied to docs also. Tongue It's not smart though and I have mended my ways.

The checkup calls are really important because your meds need adjusting and they need to know. You want to get over this, you'll have to work with them.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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26-01-2017, 03:51 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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26-01-2017, 04:00 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 03:48 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(26-01-2017 03:19 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm going to try to be honest with the doc, but it's not easy for me. Guess I'm used to lying to keep people off my back. It's going to be awkward to admit though... I may have omitted the truth to the doc's aides on their check up calls... Habit is hard to break

I know exactly what you mean because I have lied to docs also. Tongue It's not smart though and I have mended my ways.

The checkup calls are really important because your meds need adjusting and they need to know. You want to get over this, you'll have to work with them.

I occasionally wonder if I do in fact want to get over it. Things weren't all that great before any of this was in te open, but at least it hurt less on bad days...

I'll be working this year to get over my habitual dishonesty, it needs to be dealt with if I'm going to get anywhere.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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26-01-2017, 11:28 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 04:00 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'll be working this year to get over my habitual dishonesty, it needs to be dealt with if I'm going to get anywhere.

This is a hard thing to admit, and I applaud you for so doing. Habitual dishonesty I'm guessing arises from a desire not to have to deal with people freaking out over you? I can dig that.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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27-01-2017, 12:54 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 11:28 PM)morondog Wrote:  
(26-01-2017 04:00 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'll be working this year to get over my habitual dishonesty, it needs to be dealt with if I'm going to get anywhere.

This is a hard thing to admit, and I applaud you for so doing. Habitual dishonesty I'm guessing arises from a desire not to have to deal with people freaking out over you? I can dig that.

Pretty much. I tend to lie to keep other happy and off my back. Kinda just became habit eventually. To be fair, just going along with what everybody else expects has got me this far, so it's not like it's an all bad habit.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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27-01-2017, 01:00 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I ain't judging. I don't lie about important stuff, but e.g. my parents are a lil' bit crazy themselves, I tend to not tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth if I think they're gonna throw a wobbly.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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27-01-2017, 06:35 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(26-01-2017 03:19 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(26-01-2017 08:44 AM)Dom Wrote:  Make sure you are super honest with your docs. Your meds are still not working right and need to be adjusted, and the can't fix you right if they don't know what's going on.

Love and hugs! Heart

I'm going to try to be honest with the doc, but it's not easy for me. Guess I'm used to lying to keep people off my back. It's going to be awkward to admit though... I may have omitted the truth to the doc's aides on their check up calls... Habit is hard to break

If you struggle to talk honestly with the doc why not write things down and give it to him/her. If you aren't honest with them, they can't really help you in the best way possible.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

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19-02-2017, 05:44 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Update to my whinerants (thought this was more appropriate post locale):

I just managed to speak with my father about my thoughts of leaving early. I told him I don't think my meds are working; I'm feeling really down and irritable and I'm not sleeping as well as I should, and felt I should try to go home sooner to try to see my doctor soon as I could.
He seems to understand. He said I should call the doc's office tomorrow morning, if I can get an earlier appointment he'll see what he can do about driving me back to the city. Said it should help a bit with my stress, which is true.

I'm sure he's at least a little upset and just isn't showing it, but I know he understands.

I feel kind of guilty about this whole thing; I know he was excited about me being around, we barely see each other since he had to move up here, and I've spent most of my time in his camper trailer (my room here) when he wanted to go fishing or woodwork for his craft store together, and now I suddenly want to leave...

I really do feel like going home is the best thing for me now though. I've been here 4 days and found myself crying three times. I didn't tell him that. Something is clearly wrong with me right now, I rarely cry even at my worst. I can't get out of my depressed feelings now, not for long anyway. I just feel so tired, physically and mentally. Feels like there never going to be an end to this damn torture, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise.

Enough whining and necromancing from me. I need to get ready for the weekly D&D game, hoping it will pull me out.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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