Getting help; an FT rambling.
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18-04-2017, 05:36 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(18-04-2017 05:34 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(18-04-2017 05:14 AM)Anjele Wrote:  It sounds to me like progress is being made. I think it's a good thing that you are being offered many types of help...medication, one-on-one talking, and group situations. Make use of what is being offered. Some combination of those things may be just what you need.

Give the doctors and staff a chance - you don't think you fit the parameters but you know yourself you are looking at things through the filter of your depression. Part of the reason for being under the care of a doctor or therapist is to have someone look at things from a different angle.

Let the people who are trying to help, help.

Heart

I mean, the thing stated in its information readout that it is for attempt survivors. I got pretty close on the day of the knife incident, but I haven't made any real attempts, so I strictly don't match their stated parameters.

That said, I'm am intending to trust the judgement of my psychologist and go along with it.

Thumbsup

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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18-04-2017, 08:26 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Heart

Hug


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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18-04-2017, 08:49 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(18-04-2017 05:34 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I mean, the thing stated in its information readout that it is for attempt survivors. I got pretty close on the day of the knife incident, but I haven't made any real attempts, so I strictly don't match their stated parameters.

That said, I'm am intending to trust the judgement of my psychologist and go along with it.

Nah, Effexor/Venlafaxine is a pretty standard SSRI like Lexapro and Zoloft. It's not specific to attempt survivors.

#sigh
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18-04-2017, 09:05 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(18-04-2017 08:49 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(18-04-2017 05:34 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I mean, the thing stated in its information readout that it is for attempt survivors. I got pretty close on the day of the knife incident, but I haven't made any real attempts, so I strictly don't match their stated parameters.

That said, I'm am intending to trust the judgement of my psychologist and go along with it.

Nah, Effexor/Venlafaxine is a pretty standard SSRI like Lexapro and Zoloft. It's not specific to attempt survivors.

I must have miscommunicated that fact; it's not the medication I was referring to there, but a specific program my psychologist has referred me to, the purpose of which is to prevent suicide attempt survivors from reattempting by way of currently under study therapy techniques (and to collect data thereon).

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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18-04-2017, 09:09 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(18-04-2017 09:05 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(18-04-2017 08:49 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  Nah, Effexor/Venlafaxine is a pretty standard SSRI like Lexapro and Zoloft. It's not specific to attempt survivors.

I must have miscommunicated that fact; it's not the medication I was referring to there, but a specific program my psychologist has referred me to, the purpose of which is to prevent suicide attempt survivors from reattempting by way of currently under study therapy techniques (and to collect data thereon).

Ah. My bad. This sounds interesting. Did I miss the name for the program too? Is this a clinical trial of some sort? Good luck FreeThinker.

#sigh
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18-04-2017, 01:34 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(18-04-2017 05:00 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Regular update.

16 days so far on the venlafaxine.

I'm tired. My sleep has been worse than usual. It takes forever to get to sleep, and I wake up at night for no reason.

I would like to say that I think the new medication is working even if just a little. My moodswings and temperament are largely under stable again. I'm still in a largely depressed state, but it's not been as heavy; haven't cried in a while, or felt like I was going to crumble under some difficult to define sense of dread or hopelessness.

But that probably has more to do with me not being at uni every day for the past week and a half. If I could take a long break for Uni I would absolutely do so. Every time I step on the campus, I get reminded of my multiple failures so far, and my bad anxiety attack. Uni is a little depressing.

I'm heading in tomorrow to check in with my doctor, routine med progression reporting.

Probably the best change has been that my ideation has dropped down a bit. Suicidal thoughts still creep into my head daily, but I haven't really zoned out and obsessed over suicide for just under a week now. Only problem is that the most recent intrusive 'plan thoughts' have been entirely feasible, which makes it more tempting. In some sick and twisted way...

Saw my psych last week, it was easier than the time before. We talked more in depth about some of the worse thoughts I'd been dealing with; working to get my mind in a state where I can properly analyse and refute my own 'points' against myself. I also learned more about a program she has referred me on to; it's a suicide prevention program/research study deal. It's supposed to be for attempt-survivors and those at risk of repetition, but she felt I would stand to gain from it and referred me onward regardless. I'm tempted to just quit that, since it hasn't started yet (my assessment appointment is in May), my ideation seems to be calming down, and I don't fit the study parameters, but I'm sure everybody would tell me off for it.
Besides, I guess I know better than most now that leaving any level of ideation alone for too long is not a good plan...

You try coursera? You can do qualifications at your own home. All you need is internet connection. If uni is causing you such major anxiety, maybe take a break from it for a bit?

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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18-04-2017, 04:15 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(18-04-2017 09:09 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(18-04-2017 09:05 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I must have miscommunicated that fact; it's not the medication I was referring to there, but a specific program my psychologist has referred me to, the purpose of which is to prevent suicide attempt survivors from reattempting by way of currently under study therapy techniques (and to collect data thereon).

Ah. My bad. This sounds interesting. Did I miss the name for the program too? Is this a clinical trial of some sort? Good luck FreeThinker.

You didn't miss that, I never said the name because honestly I don't remember it...

(18-04-2017 01:34 PM)morondog Wrote:  
(18-04-2017 05:00 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Regular update.

16 days so far on the venlafaxine.

I'm tired. My sleep has been worse than usual. It takes forever to get to sleep, and I wake up at night for no reason.

I would like to say that I think the new medication is working even if just a little. My moodswings and temperament are largely under stable again. I'm still in a largely depressed state, but it's not been as heavy; haven't cried in a while, or felt like I was going to crumble under some difficult to define sense of dread or hopelessness.

But that probably has more to do with me not being at uni every day for the past week and a half. If I could take a long break for Uni I would absolutely do so. Every time I step on the campus, I get reminded of my multiple failures so far, and my bad anxiety attack. Uni is a little depressing.

I'm heading in tomorrow to check in with my doctor, routine med progression reporting.

Probably the best change has been that my ideation has dropped down a bit. Suicidal thoughts still creep into my head daily, but I haven't really zoned out and obsessed over suicide for just under a week now. Only problem is that the most recent intrusive 'plan thoughts' have been entirely feasible, which makes it more tempting. In some sick and twisted way...

Saw my psych last week, it was easier than the time before. We talked more in depth about some of the worse thoughts I'd been dealing with; working to get my mind in a state where I can properly analyse and refute my own 'points' against myself. I also learned more about a program she has referred me on to; it's a suicide prevention program/research study deal. It's supposed to be for attempt-survivors and those at risk of repetition, but she felt I would stand to gain from it and referred me onward regardless. I'm tempted to just quit that, since it hasn't started yet (my assessment appointment is in May), my ideation seems to be calming down, and I don't fit the study parameters, but I'm sure everybody would tell me off for it.
Besides, I guess I know better than most now that leaving any level of ideation alone for too long is not a good plan...

You try coursera? You can do qualifications at your own home. All you need is internet connection. If uni is causing you such major anxiety, maybe take a break from it for a bit?

I still can't take time off uni, since I'm still reliant on my student allowance to take care of basic necessities.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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01-05-2017, 09:22 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
That program I mentioned on my last update? It's D-day today. ... well tomorrow kind of, it's only 50 minutes into today so it may as well not be today yet by any general usage of the term...

I'm nervous about it. Doesn't help that the last week and a bit has been another damn downturn... I had best try to fall unconscious for a few hours. Just wanted to bleh a tiny bit.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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01-05-2017, 12:48 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(01-05-2017 09:22 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  That program I mentioned on my last update? It's D-day today. ... well tomorrow kind of, it's only 50 minutes into today so it may as well not be today yet by any general usage of the term...

I'm nervous about it. Doesn't help that the last week and a bit has been another damn downturn... I had best try to fall unconscious for a few hours. Just wanted to bleh a tiny bit.

Good luck amigo Smile I know it's hard work, but we're rootin' for ya Smile

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-05-2017, 06:32 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
The session was easier than I had expected it to be. At least if I have accomplished nothing else in the last two years (and trust me it feels like that), I'm getting a half decent handle on dealing with people.

Really the appointment was the first time I've really talked completely frankly about my ideation outside of here. It was good to actually get it out. I've talked a bit about it with my regular psych, but not much. The reason she referred me to the new psych was to get me in contact with a more structured, specialised therapy regimen she didn't have the expertise to work.

The new psych is a okay guy. Attentive, quick on the uptake, seems a tad less susceptible to emotional reactions than my regular psych.

i talked a bit about the forum and the roll the people (generically, didn't mention by name) here play in helping manage and navigate my issues: how I come here to vent when I need it, and get advice, and how you people got me to turn myself in during my 'episode'. He asked if thinking about here made it easier to cope, it was a bit of a difficult question to answer... Largely speaking, yes. But when I am in the middle of a bad ideation session, if I think about the people here it just makes me feel worse. I start feeling guilty about the thoughts, which just feeds back. Also talked about Nishi (again not by name) since it's been on my mind since that thread came back and that day rolled back around. He said he understood that what happened has had a considerable effect on me; since he and I had some issues in common, and he had helped me stumble my way around a bit, what happened honestly shook my confidence in managing myself badly, getting reminded didn't help.

He had me revisit the 'Pseudosuicidal Episode' in detail; what I felt, how long it went, what I thought, that kind of stuff. We also talked about my more minor 'episodes' and the transition from the 'casual' thoughts to 'real' ones; what was happening at the time the thoughts escalated, what the thoughts were, how frequent, etc etc. He asked if any situations might make me have more or fewer thoughts of suicide; like if I was in a fight with my mom or brother would they increase. In that situation, probably would; at uni the thoughts definitely get worse. I more frequently find myself contemplating how to get on the high roofs to jump.

He took interest in my saying that my history in school was "just a long string of failures". "You're characterising your school history as a lot of failure?" 'Given that I failed basically all of my classes the entire way through, it's pretty definitionally a long string of failure.'

After an hour, I filled in some questionnaires all relating to my ideation. When reviewing my answers, I noticed I circled in "I don't have the courage to kill myself" answer to a question really hard. That was the end of it. I handed in the forms and went home.

I have three more sessions with him, as per the program, but unless an opening comes up (I'm on the cancellation list), they aren't until June. He said next time, he'd like to talk more about my 'episode', and maybe talk more about my past. He'll record the conversation so we can review it on the session after.

A day on and I'm still feeling drained.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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