Getting help; an FT rambling.
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22-08-2017, 04:31 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Does it make you feel better in some way to know that you have this stockpile of meds? Do you feel like you have set up your way out if things get too bad? I am trying to understand.

I don't want you to feel like that's your only way. Please keep working with the doctors and counselors. I think you are a great guy...intelligent and funny...your opinion of yourself seems to be so low...why? Do you know why?

I sure wish I knew the 'right' words.

Heart

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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22-08-2017, 06:48 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(22-08-2017 04:22 PM)Banjo Wrote:  Okay mate. You are beginning to worry me.

What in your life is so bad that this is in your thought process at this time?

Of all people, I'd say you are least of all who should worry about me, you've got your own more important stuff.

You don't need to be concerned about me. I've done my research and found my options are pitifully limited and I'm too much a coward to make an attempt without a very high likelihood of success and low pain yield anyway.

As for what is so bad? What about the fact that I dare think such things while having no reason to? Just whiny bitch with no control over my own thoughts looking for attention. Or so that's what my mind tells me; every emotion and thought are illegitimate; just fakes I've made myself to feel special. After all, I live a near-idyllic life compared to the vast majority of humanity across all of time present and past.

Of course, there is the fact that I have ultimately failed uni. Three year degree my arse. 3rd year now and I have completed maybe a 5th of my topics, with a sub 2 GPA. Even if I am allowed to continue enrolling after this semester is finished, I have no real reason to expect to not have the same letter come next year without ability to argue my case due to failing to improve. And uni was/is my thing. It was the thing I could take pride in in my life; I was the first in my immediate family to get into a prestigious place like a university; proof I was actually smart enough. But clearly not the case.


(22-08-2017 04:31 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Does it make you feel better in some way to know that you have this stockpile of meds? Do you feel like you have set up your way out if things get too bad? I am trying to understand.

I started the stockpile out of a sort of compulsion, it felt like something I needed to do. Having it gives me a little bit of mental security; I have Plan B if things get too bad. Like a safety net, I guess? If things get too bad, I can always fall back into the trench, so to speak.

Is that making sense? Half the time I don't know if I am making sense.

(22-08-2017 04:31 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I don't want you to feel like that's your only way.

I know it's not my own way 'forward' but it's my only way 'out' so to speak. As I explained in the previous posts, I know it's not a very viable exit strategy, it exists because it gives me a sense of security that a fallback position gives me; if I need it, it's there.

I've mentioned multiple times in this thread that I'm certain I'd fuck up killing myself if I tried anyway. Almost funny that one aspect of my madness keeps another aspect in check; part of my wants to die and looks for any excuse to push me that way, while another part endlessly reminds me that I have no reason to expect I'd be able to succeed at that anyway, let alone with a low-rate thing like overdose on low-risk meds.

P-Psych had the same concern you expressed here; that it being around may discourage me from trying alternative paths because it is so readily available.

I don't agree.

I moved forward with fighting the dismissal from my degree. I went to see him. I'm maintaining my outlet thread. From my perspective, it's not hindering me all that much if at all.

(22-08-2017 04:31 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Please keep working with the doctors and counselors.

For the foreseeable future, I am intending to.

(22-08-2017 04:31 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I think you are a great guy...intelligent and funny...your opinion of yourself seems to be so low...why? Do you know why?

I sure wish I knew the 'right' words.

Heart

I've been told that stuff so many times, but I can't see it myself. I'm not smart, I couldn't even handle the lowest grades of school; my entire academic life (which supplies my most reasonable metric for intelligence) was little more than 13 years of failure, despite best efforts. And the last 2 and a half years have gone to show that trend holds.

I guess I can be funny, but that's eye-of-beholder stuff. I amuse myself sometimes. I try to amuse others because I can parasitically latch on to that to derive worth.

Just looking at myself, I see little overall that is that great. I have no skills or talents, and I lack the patience and ability to cultivate any. I'm only good with my camera out of dumb luck and repetition. I don't even actually know how to operate the thing, its all the internal computer. I just focus and press a button.

Sure, I have my moments every so often, but broken clocks and all that.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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23-08-2017, 12:13 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
The stuff you're studying... is it stuff that interests you? I think maybe there's an aspect of forcing yourself to study it? That kinda thing tends to end badly for anyone.

I have to tell you, uni isn't the only way to get a good education. Nowadays distance learning is a real thing. It takes a fair amount of self discipline and the support is not as amazing, but you should maybe try that. There's a course on coursera called Dino 101 offered IIRC by university of Edmonton. I did it ages ago. It's a short course, if you've got nothing better to do, why not give it a shot? It's just for fun. No need to get a qualification.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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23-08-2017, 12:16 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
By the way, another thing: getting good grades isn't the be all and end all. Everyone finds a purpose and something to do eventually, even if they drop out of uni. People muddle along somehow. You've got time. Things aren't working for you right now, but you can always take a bit longer to achieve your aims...

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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23-08-2017, 05:43 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
*Hugs* I'm so sorry you deal with all of this. I wish I could give you a hug in real life. Like others have said, I wish you could see your greatness. You're smart, funny, and talented.

Regarding your previous post, you are dealing with a lot, if your grades suffered, it's because of that and has nothing to do with your level of intelligence.

You have a real talent for photography. And it seems from your posts, it gives you some level of peace. Maybe think about going to school for photography and become a photojournalist or something like that? Or start a professional photography business? And of course work on your photography artwork on the side. You could definitely sell your work on etsy, Amazon handmade or even possibly on rising artists on Art.com. I'd definitely buy your work and I'm picky about what I put in my house. Tongue

I know things are a struggle, but I hope you keep pushing forward and keep fighting.
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23-08-2017, 06:02 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
FT, hang in there buddy.

I know it doesn't seem it right now, but you'll get through it. I'm in a not-to-dissimilar boat to yourself, especially when it comes to the way you think about yourself/life in general, and I agree that it's hard to think of what, as a person, you may have to offer to others/the world at times.

At school, I was the worst. Like failed all the tests, got the lowest grades you can get. I picked up a bit in high school, but nothing amazing. Went to college and essentially cheated my way through and didn't see the point of going to Uni as I didn't think I was smart enough for it. Yet at 29 years old, I have a decent job/a family of my own. All that stuff means nothing in the grand scheme of things. And much like yourself, I have issues despite having what some others would literally kill for, a safe and fairly easy life. The thing that bothers me the most, is that I think of things and depress myself and get into a bit of an anxiety laced state, when 1) I fully understand my issues, yet still have them and 2) somewhere in the world somebody is dying of starvation or people are being killed, and I'm too worried about my own shite. I've gone down very dark paths before now, but always come through to the other side, and if anything, that's what I think of now when I feel down.

All I'm trying to say is, and you know it yourself as well, you're not alone. A lot of people feel/think the exact same way as yourself, they just hide it better. Some things in life will hit you hard. Sometimes you won't even know why something has hit you as hard as it has, but life does go on. The amount of mistakes/missed opportunities I, and others, have made over the years which lead you to think "my life is over" or not worth living or whatever else, eventually do go away or become gateways to new places. As mentioned before I spent 15-18 years of my life thinking I'd be a worthless contribution to society, yet here I am working/paying my taxes/supporting a family and so on, and even then I still have issues with Anxiety/depression, but that's life, despite how shite it is, it's the only one we have.

If you need to talk or anything like, my PM is always open. Just try and relax where possible, and keep speaking with your doctors when needed.

Again, you're not alone, and you never will be.

When life gives you lemons, just remember you are an....
(18-09-2017 09:47 AM)vahaaao Wrote:  Irresponsible bachelor daddy
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23-08-2017, 07:05 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thanks guys, more encouragement than I sometimes feel I warrant.

Program Psych talked about that. While I have trouble seeing my place due to my own cognitive filters, others can see more clearly. Guess I have to trust your judgements.

I attended the lab I ran away from last fortnight today. Did the experiment, though slower than anybody else because I did my unsure shutdown a bunch of times, but that was okay. I spoke with the professor afterwards and organised a thing to make up the points I missed out on. He said he'll keep a closer eye on me to make sure I'm on the right track in labs. I got a few okay photos too today while I was anxiously waiting for the lab to start.

At the moment I'm feeling pretty up.


(23-08-2017 05:43 AM)jennybee Wrote:  You have a real talent for photography. And it seems from your posts, it gives you some level of peace. Maybe think about going to school for photography and become a photojournalist or something like that? Or start a professional photography business? And of course work on your photography artwork on the side. You could definitely sell your work on etsy, Amazon handmade or even possibly on rising artists on Art.com. I'd definitely buy your work and I'm picky about what I put in my house. Tongue

Have one on the house, for the house:
[Image: 0w5xla8.jpg]

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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23-08-2017, 07:11 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(23-08-2017 07:05 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Thanks guys, more encouragement than I sometimes feel I warrant.

Program Psych talked about that. While I have trouble seeing my place due to my own cognitive filters, others can see more clearly. Guess I have to trust your judgements.

I attended the lab I ran away from last fortnight today. Did the experiment, though slower than anybody else because I did my unsure shutdown a bunch of times, but that was okay. I spoke with the professor afterwards and organised a thing to make up the points I missed out on. He said he'll keep a closer eye on me to make sure I'm on the right track in labs. I got a few okay photos too today while I was anxiously waiting for the lab to start.

At the moment I'm feeling pretty up.


(23-08-2017 05:43 AM)jennybee Wrote:  You have a real talent for photography. And it seems from your posts, it gives you some level of peace. Maybe think about going to school for photography and become a photojournalist or something like that? Or start a professional photography business? And of course work on your photography artwork on the side. You could definitely sell your work on etsy, Amazon handmade or even possibly on rising artists on Art.com. I'd definitely buy your work and I'm picky about what I put in my house. Tongue

Have one on the house, for the house:
[Image: 0w5xla8.jpg]

Aw so cute Heart
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23-08-2017, 07:59 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I was hit by 8 weeks of depression out of the blue in 1978 and I've never forgotten it, it was as if my brain had been hijacked and I was being swamped by black waves of despair and the futility of human existence.
So I assumed I needed to change my whole outlook on life with the help of philosophical and religious insights, and to cut a long story short, it worked.
The key for me personally was realising that our life on earth is not to be taken seriously, therefore to chill and not get sucked into it, it's a concept backed up by Buddhism,, Christianity etc, and all i know is it works for me..Smile
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23-08-2017, 08:31 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Hang in there, FT! There's plenty of sad flowers and javelin-throwers to be mocked yet Tongue





(23-08-2017 07:59 PM)Propwash Wrote:  our life on earth is not to be taken seriously [...] it's a concept backed up by Buddhism,, Christianity

Tread lightly. Very lightly.

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderĂ²."
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