Getting help; an FT rambling.
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13-09-2017, 03:52 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 09:29 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 07:48 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  You know that I just realised and confirmed?

I managed to just plain not do 3 assignments.

I talked with Program Psych about not feeling worthy of being in uni and he challenged me in that; sure fit in on bonus but they exist for a reason; to help level the playing field for people in my circumstances; goi g to less than stellar schools and being not rich.

Well now I do know why I absolutely unequivocally don't deserve to be taking up a spot.

Because I'm a stupid piece of shit.

This term was supposed to be ENTIRELY ABOUT ME FIXING MY PROBLEMS AND PROVING MYSELF WORTHY OF BEING THERE and what do I do? I DO THE EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE! I go and prove the dismissal threat letter right.
Why the hell did I bother replying with anything but 'I crewing myself to your judgement, and apologise for waste the time and money of the university, its staff, the state, and the nation."

who do I contact to quit the degree... there is no point in trying to lie to myself about this any longer. Then maybe I can finally get that push I need to quit everything else too.

Can you still do them? Turn them in late with an apology? I think you should do that.

No, I can't. Two aren't accepting submissions anymore because it's been a week since the submission date. The third? I can't get a 5 page essay done on three days, which is when they stop accepting submissions.

Even if I could get the one I could do done, why should I bother? Clearly I'm simply not cut out for study.

i should have known that from the beginning of all of this. Why was I deluded enough to think it would ever change.
Transferring course at this point is worthless, even if I could. I'd just end up fucking whatever else I did in exactly same way because despite my attempts to lie to myself, that's clearly and simply who and what I am.
My only option is to quit now, or soon at least, and try to find some job somewhere. Not that there is anything of course. Outside of leaving for work, my other option is to stay at uni, defrauding the government and stealing from every citizen of my country like a disgusting parasite by claiming I'm studying. Which is clearly not the case. I have no right to claim that especially after this final revelation of debacle.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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13-09-2017, 04:36 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 03:52 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Outside of leaving for work, my other option is to stay at uni, defrauding the government and stealing from every citizen of my country like a disgusting parasite by claiming I'm studying.

Hey, this isn't America. My advice is do something. Anything.

It's up to you mate.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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13-09-2017, 04:54 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 03:52 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 09:29 AM)Dom Wrote:  Can you still do them? Turn them in late with an apology? I think you should do that.

No, I can't. Two aren't accepting submissions anymore because it's been a week since the submission date. The third? I can't get a 5 page essay done on three days, which is when they stop accepting submissions.

Even if I could get the one I could do done, why should I bother? Clearly I'm simply not cut out for study.

i should have known that from the beginning of all of this. Why was I deluded enough to think it would ever change.
Transferring course at this point is worthless, even if I could. I'd just end up fucking whatever else I did in exactly same way because despite my attempts to lie to myself, that's clearly and simply who and what I am.
My only option is to quit now, or soon at least, and try to find some job somewhere. Not that there is anything of course. Outside of leaving for work, my other option is to stay at uni, defrauding the government and stealing from every citizen of my country like a disgusting parasite by claiming I'm studying. Which is clearly not the case. I have no right to claim that especially after this final revelation of debacle.

So it's all about self perception with you. And if you think these things, they become reality. You make these thoughts real.

Why?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-09-2017, 05:34 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 04:54 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 03:52 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  No, I can't. Two aren't accepting submissions anymore because it's been a week since the submission date. The third? I can't get a 5 page essay done on three days, which is when they stop accepting submissions.

Even if I could get the one I could do done, why should I bother? Clearly I'm simply not cut out for study.

i should have known that from the beginning of all of this. Why was I deluded enough to think it would ever change.
Transferring course at this point is worthless, even if I could. I'd just end up fucking whatever else I did in exactly same way because despite my attempts to lie to myself, that's clearly and simply who and what I am.
My only option is to quit now, or soon at least, and try to find some job somewhere. Not that there is anything of course. Outside of leaving for work, my other option is to stay at uni, defrauding the government and stealing from every citizen of my country like a disgusting parasite by claiming I'm studying. Which is clearly not the case. I have no right to claim that especially after this final revelation of debacle.

So it's all about self perception with you. And if you think these things, they become reality. You make these thoughts real.

Why?

Why am I always wrong.

People say one should know their limitations, but when I assert the clearly obvious limits I have, I'm told 'you are not trying hard enough', 'you can do better' 'you have potential', 'its self fulfilling'.

Well maybe it is s self-fulfilling system. Or maybe it's just a plainly evidenced truth that I'm not cut out for study? Even when I wasn't dealing with my petty cringeworthy "problems" I failed basically everything I tried.

Even if we assume it is a self-fulfilling condition against all historical evidence; so what?
I tried to fix my thoughts. I followed my docs' directions. I'm perfectly 100% aware of the thoughts of 'I can't do x'and it has gotten me nowhere but worse.

Because I tried to 'adjust my thinking', to counter, deflect, or vanish those thoughts.

But imagine that, I failed to do EVEN THAT.

So was it self-fulfilling when I was trying to convince myself and dedicated my thoughts to the opposites?

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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13-09-2017, 05:49 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 05:34 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 04:54 PM)Dom Wrote:  So it's all about self perception with you. And if you think these things, they become reality. You make these thoughts real.

Why?

Why am I always wrong.

People say one should know their limitations, but when I assert the clearly obvious limits I have, I'm told 'you are not trying hard enough', 'you can do better' 'you have potential', 'its self fulfilling'.

Well maybe it is s self-fulfilling system. Or maybe it's just a plainly evidenced truth that I'm not cut out for study? Even when I wasn't dealing with my petty cringeworthy "problems" I failed basically everything I tried.

Even if we assume it is a self-fulfilling condition against all historical evidence; so what?
I tried to fix my thoughts. I followed my docs' directions. I'm perfectly 100% aware of the thoughts of 'I can't do x'and it has gotten me nowhere but worse.

Because I tried to 'adjust my thinking', to counter, deflect, or vanish those thoughts.

But imagine that, I failed to do EVEN THAT.

So was it self-fulfilling when I was trying to convince myself and dedicated my thoughts to the opposites?

I learned a long time ago that sitting/standing in the same place every day thinking bad thoughts leads - to misery.

It doesn't really matter whether you think you can't do something, or you're not worth something, or whatever. The fact remains that you are purposefully spending your time sitting/standing in that spot thinking those thoughts.

Yes, I said "purposefully". It is what you want. Why?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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13-09-2017, 06:12 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 05:34 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 04:54 PM)Dom Wrote:  So it's all about self perception with you. And if you think these things, they become reality. You make these thoughts real.

Why?

Why am I always wrong.

People say one should know their limitations, but when I assert the clearly obvious limits I have, I'm told 'you are not trying hard enough', 'you can do better' 'you have potential', 'its self fulfilling'.

Well maybe it is s self-fulfilling system. Or maybe it's just a plainly evidenced truth that I'm not cut out for study? Even when I wasn't dealing with my petty cringeworthy "problems" I failed basically everything I tried.

Even if we assume it is a self-fulfilling condition against all historical evidence; so what?
I tried to fix my thoughts. I followed my docs' directions. I'm perfectly 100% aware of the thoughts of 'I can't do x'and it has gotten me nowhere but worse.

Because I tried to 'adjust my thinking', to counter, deflect, or vanish those thoughts.

But imagine that, I failed to do EVEN THAT.

So was it self-fulfilling when I was trying to convince myself and dedicated my thoughts to the opposites?
I agree with your assessment that deadlines and organization are big challenges right now. Maybe overwhelming to the point of forcing you out of uni, if you don't seek accommodations and assistance. Just trying harder and more enthusiastically does not seem to work. However, getting some serious organizational help (and committing as fully as you can) could get you through your classes this term.

I don't agree with your assessment that your difficulties make you a failure or an embarrassment or a burden on taxpayers. (In a few years you'll have some kind of job and be one of those taxpayers, in any case. You're gonna have a lot of time to pay back the system and then some.)

It's hard to know how much having a low self opinion affects actual performance...I know a lot of accomplished people who feel like fakes and failures. I hate 4 a.m. because that's when every stupid thing I've ever done comes a-calling. But being angry at yourself all the time is draining, and my sense is that you have better things to do with that energy, if you can figure out how to redirect.
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13-09-2017, 10:08 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 03:52 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 09:29 AM)Dom Wrote:  Can you still do them? Turn them in late with an apology? I think you should do that.

No, I can't. Two aren't accepting submissions anymore because it's been a week since the submission date. The third? I can't get a 5 page essay done on three days, which is when they stop accepting submissions.

Even if I could get the one I could do done, why should I bother? Clearly I'm simply not cut out for study.

i should have known that from the beginning of all of this. Why was I deluded enough to think it would ever change.
Transferring course at this point is worthless, even if I could. I'd just end up fucking whatever else I did in exactly same way because despite my attempts to lie to myself, that's clearly and simply who and what I am.
My only option is to quit now, or soon at least, and try to find some job somewhere. Not that there is anything of course. Outside of leaving for work, my other option is to stay at uni, defrauding the government and stealing from every citizen of my country like a disgusting parasite by claiming I'm studying. Which is clearly not the case. I have no right to claim that especially after this final revelation of debacle.

Do you have a college adviser? I think if you explain the situation to them, they may be able to help and get you some extensions to complete your work if that's something you decide you want to do. You have a lot to deal with, so don't beat yourself up for any of this. It's not your fault you struggle with this. And you are trying to get better. I know how hard you've worked at trying to get better just from reading your posts. Breathe. Give yourself a little credit. Talk to your adviser and go from there. *hugs*
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13-09-2017, 11:25 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 06:12 PM)julep Wrote:  I know a lot of accomplished people who feel like fakes and failures. I hate 4 a.m. because that's when every stupid thing I've ever done comes a-calling. But being angry at yourself all the time is draining, and my sense is that you have better things to do with that energy, if you can figure out how to redirect.

Was chatting to my friend's wife last night, she's a total badass. Ultradistance runner, top-notch programmer for one of the big banks, big salary, everyone loves her - lovely personality, she's also rather good looking... Later she messaged me to thank me for some offhand comment I'd made, because it made her feel a "tiny bit" like she wasn't such a failure. People's brains work in funny ways. Free Thought, I guarantee you that some people's lives have been touched by you and you don't even know. I thought about you the other day - I myself recently started seeing a psychologist. If you could do it, then so could I.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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17-09-2017, 03:44 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(13-09-2017 05:49 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 05:34 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Why am I always wrong.

People say one should know their limitations, but when I assert the clearly obvious limits I have, I'm told 'you are not trying hard enough', 'you can do better' 'you have potential', 'its self fulfilling'.

Well maybe it is s self-fulfilling system. Or maybe it's just a plainly evidenced truth that I'm not cut out for study? Even when I wasn't dealing with my petty cringeworthy "problems" I failed basically everything I tried.

Even if we assume it is a self-fulfilling condition against all historical evidence; so what?
I tried to fix my thoughts. I followed my docs' directions. I'm perfectly 100% aware of the thoughts of 'I can't do x'and it has gotten me nowhere but worse.

Because I tried to 'adjust my thinking', to counter, deflect, or vanish those thoughts.

But imagine that, I failed to do EVEN THAT.

So was it self-fulfilling when I was trying to convince myself and dedicated my thoughts to the opposites?

I learned a long time ago that sitting/standing in the same place every day thinking bad thoughts leads - to misery.

It doesn't really matter whether you think you can't do something, or you're not worth something, or whatever. The fact remains that you are purposefully spending your time sitting/standing in that spot thinking those thoughts.

Yes, I said "purposefully". It is what you want. Why?

Yeah, and I tried to stop "standing there". I did 'mindfulness exercises', kept a thought diary, forced myself into an activity routine, actively tried to counter every negative thought I had. For months. And look where it got me. All that effort and I'm still at the bottom of the gaddamned mountain. In fact, it damn well feels like I've fallen off so many times I've made a damn crater and managed to land myself further down than the floor I started on. Do you honestly think this was what I wanted? Do you believe I'm that fucked up that I choose living in a waking fucking pansy nightmare.

You know what, actually you are absolutely right. It is my fault I'm in this mess. But that isn't news to me. I already knew I could fix this but I haven't.
Because I don't have the balls to risk jumping off a cliff. Why am I "standing still"? Because I'm too much of a fucking coward to just do the one singular thing I can think of that would free me. I'm too paralysed by the fear that I'll repeat the basis of my existence and fuck up again and in doing so make life even worse than to actually try to kill myself. Despite that being the one thing that has stayed in my mind, the one thing at this point I want and can see.

At this point I'm just trying to coast until I finally get the push I need.

And to preempt any responses;
Save the 'permanent solution' garbage. I'm sick of hearing it. this shit doesn't seem so 'temporary' when you are in the middle of it and have absolutely zero reason to expect to actually get better, whatever the hell 'better' even means. It's really easy to judge from way on high, seated upon your thrones of ivory.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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17-09-2017, 07:32 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  You know what, actually you are absolutely right. It is my fault I'm in this mess. But that isn't news to me. I already knew I could fix this but I haven't.
Because I don't have the balls to risk jumping off a cliff. Why am I "standing still"? Because I'm too much of a fucking coward to just do the one singular thing I can think of that would free me. I'm too paralysed by the fear that I'll repeat the basis of my existence and fuck up again and in doing so make life even worse than to actually try to kill myself. Despite that being the one thing that has stayed in my mind, the one thing at this point I want and can see.

You've set the suicide aside, which is where it belongs. Like the flashlight people keep in case the electricity goes out. Like the stash of food people keep in case they get hit by a hurricane. Like the squirrel saving nuts for the winter. It's instinctual to keep something sitting on the shelf, just in case... Trump thinks it's gilded toilets he needs to stash, you think it's suicide. Who is crazier? When it comes to that, probably most people are crazier than you. Suicide has been sitting on my shelf for over 50 years.

What's going to happen if you turn around and go the opposite direction and "fuck up" again? Nothing really, other than you beating yourself up over it. Why do you beat yourself up? Clinical depression. It's the most classic description of it. Are you taking your meds? Are you getting them updated since they apparently don't hit the spot yet?

It's not you, it's your body chemistry. Please continue to get it fixed. Fucking up is something all of us do all of the time, and it's not debilitating. It's learning. You can fuck up with impunity. You can tell yourself: "Wow, that shit sure went sour quickly. Tomorrow I'll try it the other way..."

Please go back and get your meds adjusted again. Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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