Getting help; an FT rambling.
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17-09-2017, 07:58 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(13-09-2017 05:49 PM)Dom Wrote:  I learned a long time ago that sitting/standing in the same place every day thinking bad thoughts leads - to misery.

It doesn't really matter whether you think you can't do something, or you're not worth something, or whatever. The fact remains that you are purposefully spending your time sitting/standing in that spot thinking those thoughts.

Yes, I said "purposefully". It is what you want. Why?

Yeah, and I tried to stop "standing there". I did 'mindfulness exercises', kept a thought diary, forced myself into an activity routine, actively tried to counter every negative thought I had. For months. And look where it got me. All that effort and I'm still at the bottom of the gaddamned mountain. In fact, it damn well feels like I've fallen off so many times I've made a damn crater and managed to land myself further down than the floor I started on. Do you honestly think this was what I wanted? Do you believe I'm that fucked up that I choose living in a waking fucking pansy nightmare.

You know what, actually you are absolutely right. It is my fault I'm in this mess. But that isn't news to me. I already knew I could fix this but I haven't.
Because I don't have the balls to risk jumping off a cliff. Why am I "standing still"? Because I'm too much of a fucking coward to just do the one singular thing I can think of that would free me. I'm too paralysed by the fear that I'll repeat the basis of my existence and fuck up again and in doing so make life even worse than to actually try to kill myself. Despite that being the one thing that has stayed in my mind, the one thing at this point I want and can see.

At this point I'm just trying to coast until I finally get the push I need.

And to preempt any responses;
Save the 'permanent solution' garbage. I'm sick of hearing it. this shit doesn't seem so 'temporary' when you are in the middle of it and have absolutely zero reason to expect to actually get better, whatever the hell 'better' even means. It's really easy to judge from way on high, seated upon your thrones of ivory.

None of this is your fault. You are dealing with so much. Please don't blame yourself, it's not fair to put that on yourself. You have been trying so hard to feel better. I think you should be proud of yourself for that, for not giving up and working hard to make things better.

As far as trying to climb the mountain and sliding back down and not getting anywhere--not true. You are still in the process of figuring out what works and what doesn't. That's not a stand still--that is still progress, even if it doesn't feel like it is. I think as Dom suggested, your meds sound like they need an adjustment. I think the first step is to talk to your psychiatrist and get that taken care of.

I wish I could give you a hug in real life. I hope you keep on fighting, you are so worth seeing in yourself all the wonderful things everyone else sees in you.

"Let the waters settle and you will see the moon and stars mirrored in your own being." -Rumi
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17-09-2017, 08:36 PM (This post was last modified: 18-09-2017 12:06 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  You know what, actually you are absolutely right. It is my fault I'm in this mess. But that isn't news to me. I already knew I could fix this but I haven't.

Your neurotransmitters is all fucked up. Why you think you have sufficient knowledge to fix your neurotransmitters at your young age? I was just discovering mine was all fucked up at your age. 40 years and a shitload of education and experience later, I'm still dicking with them. This ain't something you got the necessary skills or information to fix.

(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Because I don't have the balls to risk jumping off a cliff. Why am I "standing still"? Because I'm too much of a fucking coward to just do the one singular thing I can think of that would free me.

Aye, there's the rub ain't it.

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. " - Camus

(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm too paralysed by the fear that I'll repeat the basis of my existence and fuck up again and in doing so make life even worse than to actually try to kill myself. Despite that being the one thing that has stayed in my mind, the one thing at this point I want and can see.

If you want it, you don't deserve it. This is your one and only truly inalienable right (unless Cersei's got you chained in a dungeon force feeding you to keep you alive to watch your daughter's corpse rot, in which case you're fucked). It is not something to be taken so lightly and casually as to be "wanted". If you haven't carefully, rationally, and dispassionately considered it, then you diminish and devalue the only true choice you have. And not only for you, but for the rest of us too.

"Nothing is ever too much. What occurs is acknowledgement of defeat. I am defeated. I never have to have an excuse, this freedom is mine and mine alone. I assume for ever that terrible responsibility not only for my own death but for the consequences of that death." - Sartre

I made my own go bag at your age out of helium gas (since replaced with nitrogen, but onlinebiker has pointed out to me that a vacuum seal would be just as quick, painless and effective). The mere act of assembling the pieces gave me the time to rationally and carefully consider the consequences of that death. I still reassemble the pieces from time to time when I feel the need to consider the consequences of that death. There may come a day when I will use it, but that day is not today.

(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  At this point I'm just trying to coast until I finally get the push I need.

I got tired of waiting after 10 years or so, so I took out a $1M life insurance policy on my sorry ass which covers suicide going on 30 years ago now to see if that was enough wind to make me lose my balance. It wasn't. But at least the wife and kids won't get crucified for my decision. (And they all know it is my decision. I have been very clear on that.) It's good to be considerate of others in these matters, especially when it comes to clean up.

So what keeps me here? What keeps the Bob from going full Slack? The absurdity of it all captivates and enthralls me. When it ceases to be fascinating and becomes boring, Girly's got standing orders to grab the go bag.

"The absurd man will not commit suicide; he wants to live, without relinquishing any of his certainty, without a future, without hope, without illusions … and without resignation either. He stares at death with passionate attention and this fascination liberates him. He experiences the 'divine irresponsibility' of the condemned man." - Sartre

My advice to you FreeThinker is to assemble yourself a go bag and get back to me when you got it hooked up. Then we can cut through the shit straight to the chase and compare notes.

Oh, and read the existientialists. I don't suggest you start with the nihilists but that's what I did. I personally needed a lot of help from the hallucinogens and dissociatives to get from the nihilists to the existientialists. But hell, so did they what with their absinthe and green fairies and shit.

Think free, FreeThinker.

#sigh
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18-09-2017, 07:19 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(17-09-2017 08:36 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  "" He experiences the 'divine irresponsibility' of the condemned man." - Sartre

That. Not only has it kept me alive all those 50 years since I first thought about it, it allowed me to do things I would otherwise not attempt, take risks, and truly live life. Lost my ass a few times, thought about taking the exit then. Decided that I had nothing to lose so I could try something new instead. The exit would always wait.

So, get your prescriptions adjusted until they are right. Once your body chemistry is in harmony, the exit will fade into the distance.

Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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18-09-2017, 07:47 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
All the times that I have thought my death was the answer for everyone involved...I cannot count the number.

Yet I called 911 to have someone come save my sorry ass when death got too up close and personal. It seems it would have been just as easy to sit down on the couch as I did but not dial 911.

Like me, there is something, somewhere in you that is telling you it's not yet the time.

Let the medical people help you. It's not a simple thing to get all the chemicals in the brain right when they get out of whack. Make it through today...then make it through tomorrow. You are stronger than you know.

And...if I have to hang around and do the best I can...I want you with me. Heart

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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19-09-2017, 01:16 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I saw the Program Psych today. We did the final works and discussion on the overall 'goal' of the Program; strategy and risk identification and mitigation and stuff.

Spent most of the sessions talking about my recent feelings though... I was unusually strongly emotional. I trembled a bit and choked on my words a bunch of times while discussing the feelings of failure from the recent episode, the security feelings the plan B stash provide, the emotional-intellectual tug of war and feelings of being stuck.

I just feel so tired of it all right now. But I do kind of feel good for it to have gotten out despite the toll the restraint cost me. Can't wait to get home and make too much garbage for dinner and eat it all anyway.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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19-09-2017, 03:27 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
All the best FT, it's a long road, (unfortunately some roads are longer for some and shorter for others)

Recently I've been given the all clear to come off of my Meds, (for my anxiety issues), and I'm trying to combo this with a bit of a "get in shape" thing to give me something to focus on. I find that I get crazy emotional over things, (Songs/movies/tv shows/other people talking about emotional things that I relate too) which may just be a change in my bodies chemicals or something, but I'm just rolling with it whilst I focus on dropping some weight as well. Found myself crying to Guardians of the Galaxy last week, which was something new. I sleep 100% better now I'm off the meds. I would previously find myself waking up at like 3am most days, being very much awake and unable to get back to sleep.

Hang in there dude. It sucks the big one, (and if my previous attempts are anything to go by I'll be back on the meds by Christmas ), but once you start to get back on top of things, you'll feel much better. I was in the hole of depression/anxiety for about 5 years altogether I think, and even now I'm teetering on the edge but trying to stay positive and crack on with it.

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19-09-2017, 07:01 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 01:16 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I was unusually strongly emotional. I trembled a bit and choked on my words a bunch of times while discussing the feelings of failure from the recent episode, the security feelings the plan B stash provide, the emotional-intellectual tug of war and feelings of being stuck.

I think this is good. Your emotions are what releases your own chemicals. And you do feel spent afterwards. It's a kind of grounding.

Do you ever cry? That also releases your own chemicals and balances you.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-09-2017, 08:58 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 07:01 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 01:16 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I was unusually strongly emotional. I trembled a bit and choked on my words a bunch of times while discussing the feelings of failure from the recent episode, the security feelings the plan B stash provide, the emotional-intellectual tug of war and feelings of being stuck.

I think this is good. Your emotions are what releases your own chemicals. And you do feel spent afterwards. It's a kind of grounding.

Do you ever cry? That also releases your own chemicals and balances you.

I hate crying. Even longer than I think my illness has been around, I've hated it.

It's ugly. The sound. The experessions. The feelings. I hate it. It doesn't feel right to cry. Any time I do, I end up wailing hideously, screwing my face up and punching myself for letting it happen. Always been like that. It feels horrible to cry.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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19-09-2017, 09:04 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 08:58 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 07:01 AM)Dom Wrote:  I think this is good. Your emotions are what releases your own chemicals. And you do feel spent afterwards. It's a kind of grounding.

Do you ever cry? That also releases your own chemicals and balances you.

I hate crying. Even longer than I think my illness has been around, I've hated it.

It's ugly. The sound. The experessions. The feelings. I hate it. It doesn't feel right to cry. Any time I do, I end up wailing hideously, screwing my face up and punching myself for letting it happen. Always been like that. It feels horrible to cry.

I seldom cry and when I do I am focused on stopping.

I am sure part of that is being punished as a kid for crying and part of it because I feel weak for being pushed to tears.

For all the things I have heard about how good it is for you and the good chemicals it releases, yeah, don't care. I do just about whatever it takes to not cry. You aren't alone on the not crying thing.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF
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19-09-2017, 09:11 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 09:04 AM)Anjele Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 08:58 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I hate crying. Even longer than I think my illness has been around, I've hated it.

It's ugly. The sound. The experessions. The feelings. I hate it. It doesn't feel right to cry. Any time I do, I end up wailing hideously, screwing my face up and punching myself for letting it happen. Always been like that. It feels horrible to cry.

I seldom cry and when I do I am focused on stopping.

I am sure part of that is being punished as a kid for crying and part of it because I feel weak for being pushed to tears.

For all the things I have heard about how good it is for you and the good chemicals it releases, yeah, don't care. I do just about whatever it takes to not cry. You aren't alone on the not crying thing.

Both crying and laughing hysterically are the best things your body has to offer up to balance your chemistry.

Learning to let go can fix a lot of things.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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