Getting help; an FT rambling.
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19-09-2017, 09:18 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 08:58 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 07:01 AM)Dom Wrote:  I think this is good. Your emotions are what releases your own chemicals. And you do feel spent afterwards. It's a kind of grounding.

Do you ever cry? That also releases your own chemicals and balances you.

I hate crying. Even longer than I think my illness has been around, I've hated it.

It's ugly. The sound. The experessions. The feelings. I hate it. It doesn't feel right to cry. Any time I do, I end up wailing hideously, screwing my face up and punching myself for letting it happen. Always been like that. It feels horrible to cry.

Crying itself isn't enjoyable. It's the state you are in when you are all cried out, when you have sobbed all you can, that state is what balanced chemistry feel like. And it is healing. Whenever you can, let it all hang out. Screw the way it looks.

Crying can turn into anger, if that is what needs to be released, but please punch the pillow instead. Cry out in anger about being angry at yourself. Beat the crap out of that pillow. Direct your anger outward, not inward.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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19-09-2017, 06:43 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 09:18 AM)Dom Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 08:58 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I hate crying. Even longer than I think my illness has been around, I've hated it.

It's ugly. The sound. The experessions. The feelings. I hate it. It doesn't feel right to cry. Any time I do, I end up wailing hideously, screwing my face up and punching myself for letting it happen. Always been like that. It feels horrible to cry.

Crying itself isn't enjoyable. It's the state you are in when you are all cried out, when you have sobbed all you can, that state is what balanced chemistry feel like. And it is healing. Whenever you can, let it all hang out. Screw the way it looks.

Crying can turn into anger, if that is what needs to be released, but please punch the pillow instead. Cry out in anger about being angry at yourself. Beat the crap out of that pillow. Direct your anger outward, not inward.

It always turns to anger eventually. The longer that goes on the worse the anger gets and the harder it gets to control. If I don't rein myself in, I'll eventually just completely explode into a slamming, screaming, hitting rage.
Like a damn child...

And if the dam breaks and that happens, others will get involved because I have no volume control like that and it's obvious when it happens.

Crying is a damned if I do, damn if I don't scenario for my I guess. Letting the valves on the dam spin free occasionally would be good for most people, but for me it just leads to total rupture. Which never ends well.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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19-09-2017, 06:51 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
F.T. If you're ill, you're ill. There is no fault of yours in this.

Sadly you are living through it. There's nothing to be done than to fight it as best you can. I've watched people succumb to illness and it is not pretty. Each day is a struggle. You're not alone. We just have to get through it somehow.

I can't help you, but I am on your side. This negativity you feel is a result of your being sick. Recognising this is important.

Seriously mate, I am supposed to be dead. I am such a stubborn sod that I managed to come through it. Many times I have been affected by the illness and the medication. I have to fight each time this happens. Recently I very nearly lost. It's not easy. Nothing good is.

Just hang on.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
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19-09-2017, 07:23 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(19-09-2017 06:43 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 09:18 AM)Dom Wrote:  Crying itself isn't enjoyable. It's the state you are in when you are all cried out, when you have sobbed all you can, that state is what balanced chemistry feel like. And it is healing. Whenever you can, let it all hang out. Screw the way it looks.

Crying can turn into anger, if that is what needs to be released, but please punch the pillow instead. Cry out in anger about being angry at yourself. Beat the crap out of that pillow. Direct your anger outward, not inward.

It always turns to anger eventually. The longer that goes on the worse the anger gets and the harder it gets to control. If I don't rein myself in, I'll eventually just completely explode into a slamming, screaming, hitting rage.
Like a damn child...

And if the dam breaks and that happens, others will get involved because I have no volume control like that and it's obvious when it happens.

Crying is a damned if I do, damn if I don't scenario for my I guess. Letting the valves on the dam spin free occasionally would be good for most people, but for me it just leads to total rupture. Which never ends well.

Then you need to do it at the therapist's... you can spin your wheels all you want. It could be cathartic.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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21-09-2017, 11:57 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I'm feeling pretty stable right now, wanted to take the opportunity to respond a bit more.

(17-09-2017 07:58 AM)jennybee Wrote:  
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Yeah, and I tried to stop "standing there". I did 'mindfulness exercises', kept a thought diary, forced myself into an activity routine, actively tried to counter every negative thought I had. For months. And look where it got me. All that effort and I'm still at the bottom of the gaddamned mountain. In fact, it damn well feels like I've fallen off so many times I've made a damn crater and managed to land myself further down than the floor I started on. Do you honestly think this was what I wanted? Do you believe I'm that fucked up that I choose living in a waking fucking pansy nightmare.

You know what, actually you are absolutely right. It is my fault I'm in this mess. But that isn't news to me. I already knew I could fix this but I haven't.
Because I don't have the balls to risk jumping off a cliff. Why am I "standing still"? Because I'm too much of a fucking coward to just do the one singular thing I can think of that would free me. I'm too paralysed by the fear that I'll repeat the basis of my existence and fuck up again and in doing so make life even worse than to actually try to kill myself. Despite that being the one thing that has stayed in my mind, the one thing at this point I want and can see.

At this point I'm just trying to coast until I finally get the push I need.

And to preempt any responses;
Save the 'permanent solution' garbage. I'm sick of hearing it. this shit doesn't seem so 'temporary' when you are in the middle of it and have absolutely zero reason to expect to actually get better, whatever the hell 'better' even means. It's really easy to judge from way on high, seated upon your thrones of ivory.

None of this is your fault. You are dealing with so much. Please don't blame yourself, it's not fair to put that on yourself. You have been trying so hard to feel better. I think you should be proud of yourself for that, for not giving up and working hard to make things better.

As far as trying to climb the mountain and sliding back down and not getting anywhere--not true. You are still in the process of figuring out what works and what doesn't. That's not a stand still--that is still progress, even if it doesn't feel like it is. I think as Dom suggested, your meds sound like they need an adjustment. I think the first step is to talk to your psychiatrist and get that taken care of.

I wish I could give you a hug in real life. I hope you keep on fighting, you are so worth seeing in yourself all the wonderful things everyone else sees in you.

It's not so easy to just 'not blame myself'. I've been trying and nothing has stuck; day in and out. My thoughts tell me I must being the one doing something wrong, because clearly something isn't going right and I'm the only actor present. Trying to bridge the divide between intellect and emotion isn't so easy when they seem to exist for the express purpose of tearing me in half so to speak... If I just had the intellect side of my thoughts life would be so much easier.




(17-09-2017 08:36 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  You know what, actually you are absolutely right. It is my fault I'm in this mess. But that isn't news to me. I already knew I could fix this but I haven't.

Your neurotransmitters is all fucked up. Why you think you have sufficient knowledge to fix your neurotransmitters at your young age? I was just discovering mine was all fucked up at your age. 40 years and a shitload of education and experience later, I'm still dicking with them. This ain't something you got the necessary skills or information to fix.

Perhaps, but that doesn't excuse me from trying, wanting, or reflecting on the issue. Simply stated; suicide would stop the problems from existing. Same difference as them being 'fixed'.

My reflections and thoughts on my own issues shouldn't be dismissed out of hand because I haven't regrettably lived past half a century. It's neither right nor fair.


(17-09-2017 08:36 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Because I don't have the balls to risk jumping off a cliff. Why am I "standing still"? Because I'm too much of a fucking coward to just do the one singular thing I can think of that would free me.

Aye, there's the rub ain't it.

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. " - Camus

(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm too paralysed by the fear that I'll repeat the basis of my existence and fuck up again and in doing so make life even worse than to actually try to kill myself. Despite that being the one thing that has stayed in my mind, the one thing at this point I want and can see.

If you want it, you don't deserve it. This is your one and only truly inalienable right. It is not something to be taken so lightly and casually as to be "wanted". If you haven't carefully, rationally, and dispassionately considered it, then you diminish and devalue the only true choice you have. And not only for you, but for the rest of us too.

Want, feel, desire, a part of my head begs for it every instant, whatever; you've said you have similar issues so you should know it's not just a the hell of it purchasing decision. I'm not on a whim buying cookies.

As for suicide being my 'one and inalienable right', you tell that to the cops, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and the government. If I did make an attempt and I failed I would be placed under custody in hospital and forced to live against the clear wishes a suicide attempt convey by nature; the medical personnel would deny my that 'right' as well as they could, the police are empowered to literally B&E a suspect suicide home and arrest them "for their own safety" should they get any sort of cause for "concern", the government has legislated that these things be so.

Suicide should be my and everybody else's right (barring specific exceptions). But legally it isn't. It's been robbed.

(17-09-2017 08:36 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  "Nothing is ever too much. What occurs is acknowledgement of defeat. I am defeated. I never have to have an excuse, this freedom is mine and mine alone. I assume for ever that terrible responsibility not only for my own death but for the consequences of that death." - Sartre

The initial statements are wrong; if you are defeated then clearly what you were up against was too much meaning it invalidates itself.

(17-09-2017 08:36 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(17-09-2017 03:44 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  At this point I'm just trying to coast until I finally get the push I need.

I got tired of waiting after 10 years or so, so I took out a $1M life insurance policy on my sorry ass which covers suicide going on 30 years ago now to see if that was enough wind to make me lose my balance. It wasn't. But at least the wife and kids won't get crucified for my decision. (And they all know it is my decision. I have been very clear on that.) It's good to be considerate of others in these matters, especially when it comes to clean up.

So what keeps me here? What keeps the Bob from going full Slack? The absurdity of it all captivates and enthralls me. When it ceases to be fascinating and becomes boring, Girly's got standing orders to grab the go bag.

"The absurd man will not commit suicide; he wants to live, without relinquishing any of his certainty, without a future, without hope, without illusions … and without resignation either. He stares at death with passionate attention and this fascination liberates him. He experiences the 'divine irresponsibility' of the condemned man." - Sartre

My advice to you FreeThinker is to assemble yourself a go bag and get back to me when you got it hooked up. Then we can cut through the shit straight to the chase and compare notes.

Oh, and read the existientialists. I don't suggest you start with the nihilists but that's what I did. I personally needed a lot of help from the hallucinogens and dissociatives to get from the nihilists to the existientialists. But hell, so did they what with their absinthe and green fairies and shit.

Think free, FreeThinker.

The absurdity of the world doesn't help me. Just makes things even more of a mad, depressing tragedy. The world is already boring. The only times it isn't is when I get pulled away from the world proper and distracted, or when it is horrifyingly bleak.

I would have an exit kit assembled already if I could. But I can't. Pure inert gas cylinders are expensive and hard to move and store secretly. That is why I have the inevitably failure that is the drug stockpile; because it's my own other way out without a blade or gravity, both of which I have access to but again am too cowardly to use.

Philosophy outside of epistemology has never struck me as useful, interesting, or compelling. basically all I've ever seen has just been meaningless statements, or statements that take way too long to get to an otherwise simple point...

(19-09-2017 07:23 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(19-09-2017 06:43 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  It always turns to anger eventually. The longer that goes on the worse the anger gets and the harder it gets to control. If I don't rein myself in, I'll eventually just completely explode into a slamming, screaming, hitting rage.
Like a damn child...

And if the dam breaks and that happens, others will get involved because I have no volume control like that and it's obvious when it happens.

Crying is a damned if I do, damn if I don't scenario for my I guess. Letting the valves on the dam spin free occasionally would be good for most people, but for me it just leads to total rupture. Which never ends well.

Then you need to do it at the therapist's... you can spin your wheels all you want. It could be cathartic.

I can't do that. Breaking down alone is bad enough. But it gets worse when others see it. Much much worse because it's exposing others inevitably to the worst of myself. And it will be the worst, I have a hard enough time maintaining the valves alone, the pressure is infinitely greater with others. If that makes sense. I just lack the necessary control to allow such a display.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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22-09-2017, 12:17 AM (This post was last modified: 22-09-2017 12:51 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-09-2017 11:57 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  As for suicide being my 'one and inalienable right', you tell that to the cops, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and the government. If I did make an attempt and I failed I would be placed under custody in hospital and forced to live against the clear wishes a suicide attempt convey by nature

I guess that right there is the fundamental difference between you and me, I wouldn't fail. I am an engineer and I have engineered and tested my own go bag. Mine is failsafe. To be honest with you, I don't think you are yet intellectually prepared to contemplate the consequences of your non-being. Off yourself if you will, but if you haven't fully considered the consequences of your actions, I will shed no tears.

#sigh
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22-09-2017, 01:36 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(22-09-2017 12:17 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(21-09-2017 11:57 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  As for suicide being my 'one and inalienable right', you tell that to the cops, paramedics, doctors, nurses, and the government. If I did make an attempt and I failed I would be placed under custody in hospital and forced to live against the clear wishes a suicide attempt convey by nature

I guess that right there is the fundamental difference between you and me, I wouldn't fail.
I am an engineer and I have engineered and tested my own go bag. Mine is failsafe. To be honest with you, I don't think you are yet intellectually prepared to contemplate the consequences of your non-being. Off yourself if you will, but if you haven't fully considered the consequences of your actions, I will shed no tears.

You mightn't fail but I am certain I would which keeps me from trying.

Because I fail constantly.

Clearly failed now to get a point across.

I'm not an engineer, nor do I have the luxury of being able to devote funds to a method I wouldn't be able to screw up. Because I doubt such a thing exists. If it can be done right I will almost certainly do it wrong at least once regardless of how idiotproof something is supposed to be. Furthermore I don't have the luxury of autonomy you do; even if I could afford it I can't just go and buy a pure nitro tank for the purpose; hiding it wouldn't be easy and my mum who is a nurse would almost certainly put two and two together if she found I suddenly had a tank of a pure inert gas and a modified bag with an airtight hose sealing mechanism, and have me put away before I could try anything.

Pray tell what have I not considered?

I succeed then that's it; as far as I can be realistically concerned that is the end of the universe for me; I no longer have to live through my "issues". The ultimate escape. Practically that's the end. I won't regret being dead because I'd be dead.
Of course in reality things change; my family would be hurt but how is it right for their potential emotional suffering to supersede my existent emotional suffering? It's warped that one should be forced by guilt trips or any other means to live longer than they desire purely because others might be put off. Under current conditions, with my death my debt to the government would be wiped clean. My mother's side of the immediate family could take up a smaller home and live cheaper better off lives. Domestic disagreements would decline due to my not being around as well give. That they so often happen because Defacto takes issue with something I did. And if my death broke the camel's back and got my mum to free herself from Defacto's parasitism all the better. I know she isn't happy with the arrangement as it stands.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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22-09-2017, 02:07 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  You mightn't fail but I am certain I would which keeps me from trying.

Because I fail constantly.

Clearly failed now to get a point across.

That's quite good. Thumbsup I'm gonna roll with you fool because I like you and feel like you might benefit from a proper introduction to the abyss.

(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm not an engineer, nor do I have the luxury of being able to devote funds to a method I wouldn't be able to screw up. Because I doubt such a thing exists. If it can be done right I will almost certainly do it wrong at least once regardless of how idiotproof something is supposed to be.

1) Get plastic bag. 2) Put it over you head. 3) Breathe deep. It's not that fucking hard.

(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Pray tell what have I not considered?

The consequences of offing yourself, that's what you have not considered, fool.

(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I succeed then that's it; as far as I can be realistically concerned that is the end of the universe for me;

You will have to unbunch your own panties on this one.

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22-09-2017, 02:17 AM (This post was last modified: 22-09-2017 02:39 AM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Pray tell what have I not considered?

I don't think you've even considered the method. How would you go about it then? Remembering that cleanliness is next to godliness and we should be considerate of those who will be responsible for the disposal of our sorry ass carcass.

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22-09-2017, 03:15 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(22-09-2017 02:07 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  You mightn't fail but I am certain I would which keeps me from trying.

Because I fail constantly.

Clearly failed now to get a point across.

That's quite good. Thumbsup I'm gonna roll with you fool because I like you and feel like you might benefit from a proper introduction to the abyss.

(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I'm not an engineer, nor do I have the luxury of being able to devote funds to a method I wouldn't be able to screw up. Because I doubt such a thing exists. If it can be done right I will almost certainly do it wrong at least once regardless of how idiotproof something is supposed to be.

1) Get plastic bag. 2) Put it over you head. 3) Breathe deep. It's not that fucking hard.

The body detects high CO2 concentrations in the lungs and performs uncontrollable panic movements until O2 is reintroduced. Unless I have access to some not-oxygen a la nitro, argon, or helium to balance the CO2 concentration it's not going to be particularly viable. And again I don't have said gases because I can't afford them.

(22-09-2017 02:07 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Pray tell what have I not considered?

The consequences of offing yourself, that's what you have not considered, fool.

I stop existing entirely, my debt to the government is erased, taxpayers have one less leach, living gets cheaper from the habitation side of the family, my family will be hurt but ought to understand the decision as they are all aware of my condition. The world goes on without me.

(22-09-2017 02:07 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I succeed then that's it; as far as I can be realistically concerned that is the end of the universe for me;

You will have to unbunch your own panties on this one.

That makes no sense to me.

(22-09-2017 02:17 AM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(22-09-2017 01:36 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  Pray tell what have I not considered?

I don't think you've even considered the method. How would you go about it then?

Talked about it before...

Currently my last resort stockpile consists of a few hundred cobbled together drugs; various SSRI's of varying dosages, and maybe a dozen muscle relaxers, and whatever paracetamol or whathaveyou I decide to gather should I decide to attempt using it. The actual event would probably consist of rapidly downing or crushing the pills up and mass-drinking them, then letting the relaxers put me to sleep and hope for the best.
But to explain yet again I am already well aware that A) drug overdoses have extremely low success rates without powerful and much harder to obtain drugs being involved, and B) my particular drugs themselves have exceedingly low overdose success rates but they are the best I can get at this time without snapping my own limbs to get take-home morphine or someshit.
Which is why it is as I've stated more times than I can count it exists as a last resort, a Plan B just in case I do snap and to grant me some modicum of mental peace in the meantime.

If I did try I would almost certainly just wake up in hospital strapped to a bed leaving vomit stains at home.

The other options I have considered:
Cutting; which also has an extremely low success rate, would be painful as fuck, and carries an enormous risk of failure and lifetime debilitation. That said sinking a knife into my femoral artery and my neck wouldn't be too difficult in and of itself assuming I didn't pass out from the shock and pain of the first few cuts, or pussy out in general.
Jumping; The risk of interference is considerable, there are no places in my region I can easily access which give me a guaranteed death, and I personally don't like the idea of it because I'd rather keep the collateral damage minimal; it's not right to torture innocents with the discovery of a pavement-flattened corpse. But if I get desperate enough, well it's there.
Hugging a train; I've already scouted the local train tracks; the only locations where a high-speed hit is certain are difficult to get to and the driver would have plenty of time to hit the brakes and slow because we keep our tracks cleared, raised, and fenced off, ambushing a train at the best possible time is unlikely. And again I'd rather not have one of my last impacts on the world be traumatising a driver and the cleanup crew. But also still there is need be.
Suicide by cop; I don't live in the US.
Shooting myself; it's impossible for me to get a firearm and bullets in my state legally thanks to my mental health diagnoses and lack of funds, and I would have no idea how to get one and corresponding ammunition illegally. If I could get a gun, I'd have died long ago. Or at least failed to kill myself with bullets through the brain.
Drive into a stobie poll or off a cliff; I can't drive and don't have a car anyway.
Non-OD Poisoning; I'm too much a coward to suffer the agony most poisons promise.
Gasing; I can't afford the inert gases which would give me the best way out nor could I easily hide them from the rest of the house.

As I have also said countless times, it's all just thought and a twisted desire I'm too weak to follow through with. As it stands, despite the part of my brain that begs for it, I don't think I'll die any time soon owing to my own certainty of failure.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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