Getting help; an FT rambling.
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27-01-2016, 02:34 AM (This post was last modified: 27-01-2016 02:37 AM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thanks guys for the words and suggestions.

(26-01-2016 06:26 PM)Dom Wrote:  The empty sort of boredom is because you have removed some of the negative feelings. In time, you should be filling that spot naturally.

You are doing great, I am so glad you decided to get help. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll walk out of this mess.

Heart

To say that I decided to get help is something of a misstatement, it's more the case that some clerk at uni decided I might need some academic help, and because I'm a crazy person who can't say no to those things I've been dragged along by the current ever since.
I am really not the kind of person who could just stop this after I said I would start (at the suggestion of that clerk), I mean, I missed an appointment and was pretty much having all the irrational guilt because of it for the next month...

(26-01-2016 11:57 PM)morondog Wrote:  Hey FT, thanks for the update Smile It sounds really positive! I mean, I know it's not perhaps as great as you'd hoped just yet, but I think you've made some huge positive steps.

I'd be lying if I said I really had hopes about this; at the start, I was just confused as to what would happen, and I'm still trying to figure it out in real-time... I mean, I guess I hoped that I might finally be able to drag myself out of the horrid existence I had been largely stuck in.
I guess it is working on that count, little by little. I didn't expect an over night change, or even a real difference over the next few months; I am more than familiar enough with the basics of this sort of issue that I know lots of time will be needed for things to get sorted out. Though I am somewhat surprised at how quickly things have gone already...

(26-01-2016 11:57 PM)morondog Wrote:  I'm glad your Mama's keeping tabs on you Wink It shows she does care. ...

And it only took a diagnosis from a professional and witnessing the trail-end of a complete mental breakdown.

(26-01-2016 11:57 PM)morondog Wrote:  I'd like to encourage you to pick up something to stave off the boredom. Play computer games. Read books. Learn a musical instrument. I'd also like to suggest that you should try something social, and ja, of course I have to suggest to you to try a sport Wink

I do play games to keep me distracted, but over the years as the negativity continued to grow in 'power' they became rapidly to represent more a desperate gamble than a true escape, as I was more likely simply to succumb to mindless rages due to my tendency toward continual failure. But that's been getting better recently. I did used to really like reading; I could spend days holed up in my room, face in a book. But they rapidly became useless as my ability to sit and read and care at all about what I was reading diminished. The only time in history where I have touched a musical instrument and not made people want to drive knives into their ears was many moons ago back when I was young; at a party there was a drum set belonging to the celebrator's parent; I pulled off a near-perfect badum tish and then gave up the stick-thingies to the next kid. ... I am sure the likes of Banjo and other musicians on the forum will want me hanged after that tale. As for social and sport... Social will come it time I guess, it will just have to wait until I can not go into pseudo-shock near new people, and I can find a group with similar interests that I can quietly integrate into, and I haven't done a sport since Year 2, when I was forced to quit school football on doctor's orders. Which was nice for me, because I sucked more than a gravitational well and wanted out anyway... Unless you count fishing, chess, and Starcraft as sports. Some people do...


Anyway, the meetings went okay. I talked a little with the counsellor about a few things at her asking; the forums I write on, the books I've been reading, how my brother (whom she knows via me has autism and trouble with this sort of stuff) has reacted to all this. That led eventually to me first mentioning the Defacto and talking about my relationship with him; basically, I try to avoid him because he's an irrational alarmist (which I've ranted about numerous times on this forum), talked about my cats a little, and my history of eye problems. She gave me a website containing some meditation exercises to practise to hopefully help with my sleeping problem. I suppose a scientist must be willing to entertain and test all things at least once.
In my appointment with the disability advisor, I managed to not lose my mind and turn into a mute, so there's that. She seemed like a nice enough person. Rather chipper and approachable, but not off-puttingly so. I suspect it is a well-practised act to diffuse tension of the spessal shnowfwakes that are her clientele.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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27-01-2016, 02:38 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(27-01-2016 02:34 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I suspect it is a well-practised act to diffuse tension of the spessal shnowfwakes that are her clientele.

Ability to laugh at yourself definitely shows you're doing something right Smile

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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27-01-2016, 02:54 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(27-01-2016 01:30 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Time for some hobbies to fill that boredom now that you're becoming more functional.

Some random examples:
-building your own tricopter from scratch
-Photography - look up Instagram - #exploring #adventuring #tresspassingforart #abandoned #urbex ...stuff like that.
-volunteer at an animal shelter
-robotics, raspberry pi, arduino, building/programming stuff
-swimming
-bowling
-drawing/painting
-sewing

Thanks for the suggestions, Nurse. I'll admit, photography has been a thing of increasing interest recently, but I don't really have the gear for decent photos, not that I'd have anybody to show them to. Or cool places to snap.
As a side-note; I don't swim; I drown creatively.

(27-01-2016 02:38 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(27-01-2016 02:34 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  I suspect it is a well-practised act to diffuse tension of the spessal shnowfwakes that are her clientele.

Ability to laugh at yourself definitely shows you're doing something right Smile

It's amazing that I've been able to do something right all this time, while seeing no benefit of doing something right!
That sort of dare I call it humour has been my shield and pressure valve for a many a year. A dependable bulwark against the machinations of my malign mind for micro-millennia.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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27-01-2016, 03:31 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
You don't need a nice camera. I use my iPhone because I don't have one. Here's some of mine from the past few weeks:

Driving along, what's down this road? Oh, what's this place? A bunch of chemicals in the front...
[Image: E7FA312E-3306-47EF-81D5-06B757E2169A_zpspo30hzkk.jpg]

Then a bunch of fume hoods, one which had exploded...
[Image: A04B0E6E-88B4-4FC1-B3A9-60A973979A87_zpsrd1m38wj.jpg]

Flares...because turns out it was a flares factory...
[Image: C246C588-8074-4065-88AF-10EADC961B3F_zpsdx9alhki.jpg]

OR in an abandoned insane asylum where they used to do lobotomies
[Image: FEDA59D1-C7EA-48E5-929A-B16279DEF37B_zpsycmcdgvy.jpg]

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
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27-01-2016, 03:33 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Keep going FT I can identify greatly with the boredom thing as it is a very similar state that I am currently in with my mental health issues its hard to describe to those who are not in it but you have done a far better job than I could have done at verbalizing it Smile Keep on going, I've been in this for 20 odd years and you just gotta keep wading through the treacly mire til it improves and it WILL improve. You're not on your own you have loads of buddies on here who will help. Big Grin
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27-01-2016, 05:08 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Nietzsche said to be bored is an insult to oneself. I agree.

Get up up and do something mate. You get nowhere doing nothing.

FIGHT!

With love. Dale. Smile

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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03-02-2016, 03:05 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I whined about having an appointment yesterday in the Ranting Thread, and thought I should move things to this thread which seems more appropriate.

The appointment went alright. By the time I got to the building I was feeling much more calm than I was at the start of the day (and in fact the last few days, which were filled with a slowly worsening feeling in my gut and head), though I did have to wait for about ten minutes before I could enter the place, because I could not allow myself to go in too early. It also didn't help that im deh smrt and couldn't figure out the door mechanism... The latch the door was latched into moved, rather than the 'teeth' of the mechanism moving...

I had a small struggle to talk to the receptionist about the appointment, and then found a seat to fill out the paperwork she gave me; standard paper work; name, contact number, emergency contact, credit card info in case you skip a session, you acknowledge that your information wont be disclosed unless a Court demands it, a serious crime is involved, or we think you are a danger to yourself or others. That sort of thing.

The paper work was rather helpful in that it gave me something to do other than freak out.

The doc called me in on time (amazing), and usual procedures began. It was just a 'get to know you' sort of meeting so she knows where I stand at the moment.

I managed to be able to speak right off the bat this time, though still not well. Lots of pauses, short, few word answers, long time between responses. Better than being rendered dumb like the last two psychs I saw...

She was rather expressive, which I found a little strange. I'm not used to doctors which are so reactive to statements. The most obvious of those events was when she asked if my hands get numb or tingly when I'm anxious (I was wringing my hands the entire time), I said yes but not for the anxiety; as I've said on the forum before, my left arm is virtually always feeling a weird numb-tingly feeling. She asked why and I briefly described what happened: Many years ago I was cooking something and sat down for a while, when the timer went off I didn't want my stuff to burn, so in an attempt to hurry, I pushed myself up out of the chair with my arm, twisting it in the process and snapping a bit of the humerus away with my tendons. She recoiled and winched at that description.
She reacting in a similar, though less physical manner, when I told her about the events of a night a few months ago when she asked about the last time I thought about committing suicide: I was just having a bad day and something (I don't remember what) just sent me over the edge and I spent about two hours in a downward spiral, my head filled with all sorts of unpleasant thoughts I couldn't control, until I was just rendered basically catatonic for another hour. She said that must have been 'scary'. Not quite the word I would have used, but I suppose it fits more or less.

Unlike everybody else I've seen so far, she asked why I've now decided to seek help after so long. Of course the answer is 'I didn't'; this all started because a clerk at the uni thought I should see a counsellor about my academic problems and things have been out of my control since.

I have to go back on the 25th to start working with her properly on anxiety and stress management, figuring out how to cancel out the feelings in the back of my head, and work on the ex nihilo creation of a 'self-esteem' whatever that is.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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03-02-2016, 03:16 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Thanks for sharing. I'm wondering who do you feel about her? You said she was strange because she was more reactive and expressive than the others you have seen. Is it a good strangeness?
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03-02-2016, 03:29 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-02-2016 03:16 PM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Thanks for sharing. I'm wondering who do you feel about her? You said she was strange because she was more reactive and expressive than the others you have seen. Is it a good strangeness?

She seems like an alright person. I guess I would say it's a good kind of strange, since it's not some sort of distressing weirdness...

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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03-02-2016, 03:32 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-02-2016 03:29 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-02-2016 03:16 PM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Thanks for sharing. I'm wondering who do you feel about her? You said she was strange because she was more reactive and expressive than the others you have seen. Is it a good strangeness?

She seems like an alright person. I guess I would say it's a good kind of strange, since it's not some sort of distressing weirdness...
Great, seems to me that it can be fruitful then. I'm glad you went.
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