Getting help; an FT rambling.
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 0 Votes - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
03-02-2016, 04:35 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-02-2016 03:05 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I whined about having an appointment yesterday in the Ranting Thread, and thought I should move things to this thread which seems more appropriate.

The appointment went alright. By the time I got to the building I was feeling much more calm than I was at the start of the day (and in fact the last few days, which were filled with a slowly worsening feeling in my gut and head), though I did have to wait for about ten minutes before I could enter the place, because I could not allow myself to go in too early. It also didn't help that im deh smrt and couldn't figure out the door mechanism... The latch the door was latched into moved, rather than the 'teeth' of the mechanism moving...

I had a small struggle to talk to the receptionist about the appointment, and then found a seat to fill out the paperwork she gave me; standard paper work; name, contact number, emergency contact, credit card info in case you skip a session, you acknowledge that your information wont be disclosed unless a Court demands it, a serious crime is involved, or we think you are a danger to yourself or others. That sort of thing.

The paper work was rather helpful in that it gave me something to do other than freak out.

The doc called me in on time (amazing), and usual procedures began. It was just a 'get to know you' sort of meeting so she knows where I stand at the moment.

I managed to be able to speak right off the bat this time, though still not well. Lots of pauses, short, few word answers, long time between responses. Better than being rendered dumb like the last two psychs I saw...

She was rather expressive, which I found a little strange. I'm not used to doctors which are so reactive to statements. The most obvious of those events was when she asked if my hands get numb or tingly when I'm anxious (I was wringing my hands the entire time), I said yes but not for the anxiety; as I've said on the forum before, my left arm is virtually always feeling a weird numb-tingly feeling. She asked why and I briefly described what happened: Many years ago I was cooking something and sat down for a while, when the timer went off I didn't want my stuff to burn, so in an attempt to hurry, I pushed myself up out of the chair with my arm, twisting it in the process and snapping a bit of the humerus away with my tendons. She recoiled and winched at that description.
She reacting in a similar, though less physical manner, when I told her about the events of a night a few months ago when she asked about the last time I thought about committing suicide: I was just having a bad day and something (I don't remember what) just sent me over the edge and I spent about two hours in a downward spiral, my head filled with all sorts of unpleasant thoughts I couldn't control, until I was just rendered basically catatonic for another hour. She said that must have been 'scary'. Not quite the word I would have used, but I suppose it fits more or less.

Unlike everybody else I've seen so far, she asked why I've now decided to seek help after so long. Of course the answer is 'I didn't'; this all started because a clerk at the uni thought I should see a counsellor about my academic problems and things have been out of my control since.

I have to go back on the 25th to start working with her properly on anxiety and stress management, figuring out how to cancel out the feelings in the back of my head, and work on the ex nihilo creation of a 'self-esteem' whatever that is.

Hug No matter what the reason was as to why you went to get help--the important thing is--you did. It still took a lot to go in there and talk to someone. *You* did that. You should feel really good that you are putting the right things in motion to get yourself better. You deserve to be happy. You are an extremely smart, funny, attractive person--you deserve to see that in yourself just like everyone else sees it in you. You should be really proud of yourself that you are taking the first steps to getting better.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like jennybee's post
04-02-2016, 03:50 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
All the best with your counselling FT, I had some recently and one thing I found was (and I'm not saying that this will happen to you) that for the first couple of sessions I felt a bit worse because I had to re live all the shit in my head but it was worth persevering with and definitely helped thought I would give you a heads up on this although I'm sure this possible scenario has already crossed your mind. Stick with it you have done well to get this far all the best Thumbsup
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
04-02-2016, 03:52 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Funny how depression is huh? It can strike anyone. Glad you're still pressing forward with the treatment Smile

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-03-2016, 08:05 PM (This post was last modified: 03-03-2016 01:56 AM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I wanted to get my 25th appointment out before, but I haven't really felt like it until now... Well I just want to vent a little and I may as well get that out too as an update as asked...

My day on the 25th was not all that good. I was to see my father and sister who were coming down to the city for a pre-op brief (as was asked by my father to help set up his tent as he basically only had his own hands to do it and it's a two person job at least). What made this part of the day bad was that it was hot, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and I was in my 'going places' outfit (heavy black cotton shirt and grey half-formal pants; not very breathing clothes) and it was only recently after my mother decided my sister was no longer welcome to stay at the house, which only added an unspoken tension to the air. Also my brother was asked to tag along and he was in a bad mood so I had to put up with him on the walk there.

Anyway; earlier in the day, I had gotten a call from the psych's office saying there was a vacancy, asking if I wanted to move my appointment two hours ahead. I agreed. Because that is what I do. Also I didn't want to have to deal with the Overlords annoying me about being out past 6 in the evening: I appreciate their concern, but no; I am very certain that I wont be the target of a spontaneous murderassaulnapprobbing. No, I do not need a SAS security detachment. Yes I am sure now stop bothering me.
Sometimes I wonder if they think they live in Columbia or Syria...

Anyway again... I left eventually and managed to get to the Doc's office with a half our to spare. And then the anxiety caused by the time change (and the meeting in general) hit me like a fucking truck. I sat down in the waiting area and almost immediately started up the rocket-climb of freaking out. Became increasing twitchy and nervous as time wet on, started to have breathing problems, sweating like mad, feeling feverish; whole nine yards. Fortunately the doc called me into her office before I managed to completely lose my mind; assured that I did have the right time and such, I calmed down fairly quickly, though I remained on edge the whole session.

She wanted to go into a bit more depth about my anxiety issues; how do I feel when going through certain 'stages', what do I think during that, how to I try to cope, what causes them, when, all that sort of stuff. As a bit of an exercise she had me rate different things with varying levels of anxiety; asking my mother for something rates about a two or three for instance; it's not overwhelming, but I feel hesitant and have problems expressing what I need. I couldn't think of a good example for 5, so she went right to ten, which was easy; the first time I saw a psych about these issues. You know the one from my first post, where I basically shut down for like ten minutes after a half-hour internal freak out.
Down the line, she wants to figure ways to push the lower boundaries to get me properly comfortable with basic humaning.

She decided to ask if I had many friends? In reality, the answer is no. I had a few in highschool, but I haven't kept contact; either I don't know their details, or I simply don't feel like I can. Just something in the back of my head stops me from contacting them. Just a feeling like I shouldn't. I didn't mention it, but it's like a feeling of being a nuisance; feel like I don't have a right to intrude into other people's days; if they want to speak they can contact me, but how can I interrupt their stuff? I am making an effort to get over myself with the skype group by being my out-going...

Back to how the anxiety works with me, she asked me how I feel when it hits, like when going to a tutorial for one of my topics; last year they were a huge problem for me. When it was time to go to one, I would arrive early and obsessively check the time, date and location, as time closed in, I'd steadily fall under more and more panic. Headaches would start, tagged along by nausea. And most of the time, I ran away. A few times I managed to push myself through the threshold of the room, but those were a minority of times. When I did, I immiedately isolated myself. Sat alone where possible and cut myself off from others on my table, feeling incredible self conscious and terrified that I might be asked to answer something; convinced that I'd look a fool.
And when I did flee the scene, I would immediately, often violently mentally berate myself for my cowardice. I would feel frustrated with myself that I again ran away like a frightened child. 'I should be able to do it with ease'; attending a tute or prac or just talking, whatever, they shouldn't be problems; 'so why can't I do them!?' 'Because you are a coward, a weak failure, incapable of even the most trivial things.' was the response from my mind. Which just gave way to more disgust and panic and frustration.

The doc basically thinks I've been forced into a behavioural cycle, 'fight, flight, freeze'; I freeze and flee and those responses to my thoughts reinforce others, which cause the behaviours to go on, ad infinitum. Her strategy for the moment is for me to be able to get the panic symptoms under control first, so I can move on to controlling my behaviour responses, and then move on to countering the thoughts. She gave me a breathing exercise to practise and do when I'm feeling too anxious. to keep the panic under control. It worked pretty well yesterday before my first practical of the year.

Speaking of uni business, onto my much-needed venting.

University started again this week. Every lecture I attend is just another reminder to me of my constant stream of failure, last year and beyond. It is fuelling my depressed feels, pushing them to the forefront of my attention and near suffocating me. Aside from here, I don't really have any way to vent still. I can't talk completely honestly with my counsellor let alone the new psych, neither of which I can see soon anyway. If I try to talk to my mother she tries to listen, but insists that I'm wrong; evidence and trends be damned, I'm not a failure. I certainly can't talk to the Defacto about it. He tries to understand, but he simply can't grasp even the most remote thing about how I feel. Always going on about how I've 'got it' and that I'm 'going to make it', whatever the hell those mean. Last night I asked my mother not to approach me about things with him present because I'm just so past trying to get him to get anything and I just don't want to bother any more.
My brother is no help, him being as hyper sensitive as he is; he gets super upset any time I'm honest about things to him; as though every feeling involves him somehow.
My father is no help either; he's about the same as my mother. But he gets more upset at my venting than she does. He doesn't like it when I 'undervalue' myself.

Everybody is always going on about how 'smart' I am, and how successful I'll become, and it is so damn frustrating!! I keep hearing that and can't help but wonder if they are blind or just have selectively poor memories. I have been an abject failure as far back as I can remember: my academic records speak for themselves on that part;my grades were absolute shit through my entire school 'career' as I recall. If I was so damn smart, why was I so bad at basic things that smart people should be able to do with goddamn ease?! Of course, they don't answer that! They just redirect elsewhere! My mother's favourite counter/dodge is that I'm in a university now. Well so fucking what!? I sure as fuck didn't EARN it; I got in solely because of the school I attended, the fact that I did a biology class, and that I was on a government paycheck as a student. That is why I got in. I didn't pass an entry exam. I didn't impress anybody with a record of academic success. I got in because the university I applied to had an equal access scheme going to allow less fortunate students in by way of point supplements! She doesn't care about that; it doesn't matter, what does is that I am in, she says. Never mind the fact that I was in a state of perpetual failure for more than 5 years in school and had to do the final year again to qualify for being looked at. The only time my grades didn't completely suck was in my 6th year, my repeat of year 12. And why is that? Because I knew the fucking material before it came, and by my reckoning, what I handed up was still terrible. Fortunately my teachers were soft graders, or desperate to get rid of me.

I'm just so tired of it. It feels like nobody in my personal circle even cares to understand the facts, instead preferring to try to seemingly live vicariously through an illusory me they have conjured up for themselves that is smart and successful and capable.
I'm tired of their bullshit expectations and assessments, and I'm tired of uni already. I skipped today's lecture because I just couldn't get the will do go be reminded of what a waste of the education system's resources I am. Because that is what the university has become to me. A reminder that no matter how hard I try, I am bound to fail again, and again, and again when, according to all the people around me and my own brain, I should have no troubles.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-03-2016, 09:07 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Keep trying FT. And yeah, remember to breathe... that's good advice, maybe the best advice. Hang in there man.

Hug

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

~ Umberto Eco
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-03-2016, 09:42 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
FT this failure thing. Especially academically... This is something that perhaps can be fixed. You know... All academic success is built up of small things. Stupid things. Those people who seem intelligent - well, perhaps some of it is cognitive I guess, I'm no brain expert - but a lot of it is because from an early age they've been adding to their kinda... 'static knowledge' if I can put it that way. They've just been storing stuff on their hard disks. Getting by without stuff stored on the old hard disk is difficult, if not impossible.

So... to turn it around what do you do? You start with very basic stuff. Stuff that seems totally babyish. I suggest go to Khan academy (google it) if you want a self-paced learning tool that covers a lot of topics, and is free. And the trick is not to beat yourself up over it. OK so you're not in a space where you feel academically strong. That means that you can't do as much as someone who is strong, but it doesn't make it impossible that by training you can become strong.

The brain is a muscle and just like a muscle, you train it. The analogy extends further in that if you push yourself too hard when the muscle isn't trained you'll "over-train" and injure yourself (not literally, but stuff becomes boring and hard). Just start by doing 10 minutes a day of Khan academy, and *gradually* if you're enjoying it, ramp it up.

Be aware that just like someone learning to run, at first everything is hard and you need frequent rests, but if you keep at it, you can actually get places.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
02-03-2016, 09:50 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Ft. I don't believe you're a failure at all.

Hug

If you ever need to talk. You can always shoot me a pm. Smile

Heart


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
03-03-2016, 01:17 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
What keeps you from opening up to your psych?
What do you think will happen if you tell her the stuff you're holding back?

What are your own expectations for yourself?
What are your criteria for being intelligent, could other people have other criteria than you?

Do you trust your view on yourself?
Why did you start going to university?
Do you want to finish university?

Also:

*BIG HUUUUG*
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
03-03-2016, 03:32 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(02-03-2016 09:50 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Ft. I don't believe you're a failure at all.

Hug

I wish I could say the same, but the vast majority of my experience lends credence to it...

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What keeps you from opening up to your psych?
What do you think will happen if you tell her the stuff you're holding back?

What keeps me from opening up to my psych?

Aside from the anxiety that stops me from humaning right, you mean?

The fact that if I did open up completely, the dam would burst and I would be reduced to a shameful, disgusted, loathing wreck. If I properly let everything slip, the shame of it will become an anchor tied to my neck that will drag me babbling incoherently into the depths.
The first time I saw my counsellor I almost broke; it was all I had in me to not curl up in a corner and weep until my body gave out. When we started talking about how I was feeling, I had to keep apologising and stopping to breath and clear my eyes because I was on the verge of crying. Just remembering it makes my eyes water and fills me with such shame of it. And I wasn't even close to letting everything lose.

The shame isn't just talking to somebody and shame of losing control, but shame at the thoughts that I have themselves and disgust at them and the shame.

I don't know what the doc might do if I did let everything, and that horrifies me to an extent I cannot properly put in words.

Even here I haven't been completely honest. There is stuff going on that nobody knows about that I haven't admitted to and that I can't easily. I could try to put it here, but I don't want to be a bother or concern...
I;; try to get the rest of it later. I'm really not stable enough now...

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
03-03-2016, 03:39 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I have great empathy with you as your anxiety mirrors mine in many ways. I'm on a drug called pregabalin which has worked wonders for me. I wonder if , actually I'm damn sure that it would benefit you hugely perhaps you could discuss it with your psychiatrist?
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
Post Reply
Forum Jump: