Getting help; an FT rambling.
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03-03-2016, 04:20 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-03-2016 03:32 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(02-03-2016 09:50 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Ft. I don't believe you're a failure at all.

Hug

I wish I could say the same, but the vast majority of my experience lends credence to it...

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What keeps you from opening up to your psych?
What do you think will happen if you tell her the stuff you're holding back?

What keeps me from opening up to my psych?

Aside from the anxiety that stops me from humaning right, you mean?

The fact that if I did open up completely, the dam would burst and I would be reduced to a shameful, disgusted, loathing wreck. If I properly let everything slip, the shame of it will become an anchor tied to my neck that will drag me babbling incoherently into the depths.
The first time I saw my counsellor I almost broke; it was all I had in me to not curl up in a corner and weep until my body gave out. When we started talking about how I was feeling, I had to keep apologising and stopping to breath and clear my eyes because I was on the verge of crying. Just remembering it makes my eyes water and fills me with such shame of it. And I wasn't even close to letting everything lose.

The shame isn't just talking to somebody and shame of losing control, but shame at the thoughts that I have themselves and disgust at them and the shame.

I don't know what the doc might do if I did let everything, and that horrifies me to an extent I cannot properly put in words.

Even here I haven't been completely honest. There is stuff going on that nobody knows about that I haven't admitted to and that I can't easily. I could try to put it here, but I don't want to be a bother or concern...
I;; try to get the rest of it later. I'm really not stable enough now...

Be chilled bro, you can do the PM thing if you prefer it. Don't have to do this in a public space. You know, humans are full of goop inside? Mentally as well as physically. You're not the first to think you're disgusting Wink

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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03-03-2016, 04:21 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-03-2016 03:32 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(02-03-2016 09:50 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Ft. I don't believe you're a failure at all.

Hug

I wish I could say the same, but the vast majority of my experience lends credence to it...

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What keeps you from opening up to your psych?
What do you think will happen if you tell her the stuff you're holding back?

What keeps me from opening up to my psych?

Aside from the anxiety that stops me from humaning right, you mean?

The fact that if I did open up completely, the dam would burst and I would be reduced to a shameful, disgusted, loathing wreck. If I properly let everything slip, the shame of it will become an anchor tied to my neck that will drag me babbling incoherently into the depths.
The first time I saw my counsellor I almost broke; it was all I had in me to not curl up in a corner and weep until my body gave out. When we started talking about how I was feeling, I had to keep apologising and stopping to breath and clear my eyes because I was on the verge of crying. Just remembering it makes my eyes water and fills me with such shame of it. And I wasn't even close to letting everything lose.

The shame isn't just talking to somebody and shame of losing control, but shame at the thoughts that I have themselves and disgust at them and the shame.

I don't know what the doc might do if I did let everything, and that horrifies me to an extent I cannot properly put in words.

Even here I haven't been completely honest. There is stuff going on that nobody knows about that I haven't admitted to and that I can't easily. I could try to put it here, but I don't want to be a bother or concern...
I;; try to get the rest of it later. I'm really not stable enough now...
Please let me know if my questioning gets too much and if you'd rather I stay out of your thread. I don't want you to feel bad about the questions. Likewise. If you prefer that I stick to giving hugs that's fine too.

If you don't mind, here some more questions:

Have you talked to her about this shame, and that it makes you hold back?
Do you think you are the absolute worst person she has had sitting in the chair?
Would giving her more data to work with increase the chances of a successful treatment, or would it lower it?

Is it scary that you might mean a lot to other people on the site?

I'm happy that you feel you can share with us. And I don't want you to feel pressured into telling more that you feel good about. But I assure you that you are not a bother. And if you feel better with opening up to those you trust more, then shoot them a message in their inbox. Mine is open too, if you should feel for it. Skype is an option too.
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03-03-2016, 04:42 PM (This post was last modified: 03-03-2016 04:47 PM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What are your own expectations for yourself?
What are your criteria for being intelligent, could other people have other criteria than you?

I don't really know... I just expect that I should be able to live up to all the 'smartness praise' I get from others, but I don't feel I really can. If I was as smart as people seem to think, the question comes to me: why do I always screw things up a bunch of tines before getting things even remotely in the direction of correct? Why do I struggle to do even simple things? If I'm so able, why am I seeing a doc? I shouldn't need one, right? I'd have fixed my problems already.

If I'm so goddamned smart, with such a damn bright future, why the hell can't I see it? Why am I blinded where everybody else seems to see?! Hell, why did I fail every single year but one in Highschool? Why is my best never good enough?!

Clearly everybody has a different conception of intelligence than I do, because they manage to put a dumbass like me under it, and I don't. I have my moments, as incredibly rare and fleeting as they are, of lucidity and smrts, but in a world of true intelligence, of people like Hawking and Krauss, where people like Einstein, Darwin, Eratosthenes, Madame Curie, Feynman, Euclid, and Plato once walked; even just on a forum graced by the presence of people like GWG and CJLR among so many others; by what right can I call myself intelligent?

Looking at it from my standpoint, I don't come close to rating. I'm one of the dim flashlight bulbs among spotlights.

I don't think I'm the dumbest sack of blood and bile on Earth, far from it, but I am further still away from deserving the title of 'intelligent'.

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you trust your view on yourself?

It's the only view of myself that I have. Those of my family seem to be biased by sentimentality, and exist more of conjured phantoms they place in my stead that are more to their liking than the reality is.

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Why did you start going to university?
Do you want to finish university?

I started to go to university for a few reasons.
Primarily was that I had no other option. I am virtually unemployable, not that there are any accessible jobs I could do anyway, so I rely on my government support to not have to leech off my family and help them with their costs; and in order to get it, I need to study. So I do.
Aside from that, the only thing I am remotely good at and am still able to largely enjoy is learning, or trying to learn I suppose. So I thought it best to pursue further education to allow myself the small pleasure of attempting to advance my education in a field that interested me.
Also, I needed to go. Aside from curiosity and financing, the other primary reason was to prove that I could. Mostly to myself, that after wallowing in less than mediocrity my entire education, after existing in a state of virtually endless failure, I could do something right. That I was smart enough.
Suffice it to say, as usual, I have so far failed to meet that last objective...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Have you talked to her about this shame, and that it makes you hold back?

No, because it hasn't come up and I can't broach it on my own. I can't even express it correctly anyway, so what's the use.

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you think you are the absolute worst person she has had sitting in the chair?

Of course not...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Would giving her more data to work with increase the chances of a successful treatment, or would it lower it?

Garbled nonsense data would only make things more complex, and there is a set time-frame with work with thanks to the government's poor mental healthcare coverage.

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Is it scary that you might mean a lot to other people on the site?

Not scary so much as confusing... And somehow both upsetting and comforting...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  I'm happy that you feel you can share with us. And I don't want you to feel pressured into telling more that you feel good about. But I assure you that you are not a bother. And if you feel better with opening up to those you trust more, then shoot them a message in their inbox. Mine is open too, if you should feel for it. Skype is an option too.

It would be best if I stay in the open... Anything else would just feel like running away from the commitment the thread represents.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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03-03-2016, 09:42 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
FT, growing up is hard to do. You're what? 20? 22? Jesus dude you have plenty of time to fart around a bit. One day, I predict, you will look on this as a dark time but also as a time when you figured stuff out. You're fighting for all you're worth with these negative thoughts... keep doing what you're doing Smile It's gonna come right I think. The fact that you've correctly identified the problem and are actively seeking a solution makes me confident that you will find it. Just last out the next little shitty period, and the next after that. Keep doing that... one day you'll find yourself in a significantly better space than you are now.

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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04-03-2016, 08:23 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What are your own expectations for yourself?
What are your criteria for being intelligent, could other people have other criteria than you?

I don't really know... I just expect that I should be able to live up to all the 'smartness praise' I get from others, but I don't feel I really can. If I was as smart as people seem to think, the question comes to me: why do I always screw things up a bunch of tines before getting things even remotely in the direction of correct? Why do I struggle to do even simple things? If I'm so able, why am I seeing a doc? I shouldn't need one, right? I'd have fixed my problems already.

If I'm so goddamned smart, with such a damn bright future, why the hell can't I see it? Why am I blinded where everybody else seems to see?! Hell, why did I fail every single year but one in Highschool? Why is my best never good enough?!

Clearly everybody has a different conception of intelligence than I do, because they manage to put a dumbass like me under it, and I don't. I have my moments, as incredibly rare and fleeting as they are, of lucidity and smrts, but in a world of true intelligence, of people like Hawking and Krauss, where people like Einstein, Darwin, Eratosthenes, Madame Curie, Feynman, Euclid, and Plato once walked; even just on a forum graced by the presence of people like GWG and CJLR among so many others; by what right can I call myself intelligent?

Looking at it from my standpoint, I don't come close to rating. I'm one of the dim flashlight bulbs among spotlights.

I don't think I'm the dumbest sack of blood and bile on Earth, far from it, but I am further still away from deserving the title of 'intelligent'.

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you trust your view on yourself?

It's the only view of myself that I have. Those of my family seem to be biased by sentimentality, and exist more of conjured phantoms they place in my stead that are more to their liking than the reality is.

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Why did you start going to university?
Do you want to finish university?

I started to go to university for a few reasons.
Primarily was that I had no other option. I am virtually unemployable, not that there are any accessible jobs I could do anyway, so I rely on my government support to not have to leech off my family and help them with their costs; and in order to get it, I need to study. So I do.
Aside from that, the only thing I am remotely good at and am still able to largely enjoy is learning, or trying to learn I suppose. So I thought it best to pursue further education to allow myself the small pleasure of attempting to advance my education in a field that interested me.
Also, I needed to go. Aside from curiosity and financing, the other primary reason was to prove that I could. Mostly to myself, that after wallowing in less than mediocrity my entire education, after existing in a state of virtually endless failure, I could do something right. That I was smart enough.
Suffice it to say, as usual, I have so far failed to meet that last objective...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Have you talked to her about this shame, and that it makes you hold back?

No, because it hasn't come up and I can't broach it on my own. I can't even express it correctly anyway, so what's the use.

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you think you are the absolute worst person she has had sitting in the chair?

Of course not...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Would giving her more data to work with increase the chances of a successful treatment, or would it lower it?

Garbled nonsense data would only make things more complex, and there is a set time-frame with work with thanks to the government's poor mental healthcare coverage.

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Is it scary that you might mean a lot to other people on the site?

Not scary so much as confusing... And somehow both upsetting and comforting...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  I'm happy that you feel you can share with us. And I don't want you to feel pressured into telling more that you feel good about. But I assure you that you are not a bother. And if you feel better with opening up to those you trust more, then shoot them a message in their inbox. Mine is open too, if you should feel for it. Skype is an option too.

It would be best if I stay in the open... Anything else would just feel like running away from the commitment the thread represents.
Sorry dude I'll have to get back to you in a few days. I scratched my eye and have to limit my time at the computer.
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04-03-2016, 10:43 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What are your own expectations for yourself?
What are your criteria for being intelligent, could other people have other criteria than you?

I don't really know... I just expect that I should be able to live up to all the 'smartness praise' I get from others, but I don't feel I really can. If I was as smart as people seem to think, the question comes to me: why do I always screw things up a bunch of tines before getting things even remotely in the direction of correct? Why do I struggle to do even simple things? If I'm so able, why am I seeing a doc? I shouldn't need one, right? I'd have fixed my problems already.

If I'm so goddamned smart, with such a damn bright future, why the hell can't I see it? Why am I blinded where everybody else seems to see?! Hell, why did I fail every single year but one in Highschool? Why is my best never good enough?!

Clearly everybody has a different conception of intelligence than I do, because they manage to put a dumbass like me under it, and I don't. I have my moments, as incredibly rare and fleeting as they are, of lucidity and smrts, but in a world of true intelligence, of people like Hawking and Krauss, where people like Einstein, Darwin, Eratosthenes, Madame Curie, Feynman, Euclid, and Plato once walked; even just on a forum graced by the presence of people like GWG and CJLR among so many others; by what right can I call myself intelligent?

Looking at it from my standpoint, I don't come close to rating. I'm one of the dim flashlight bulbs among spotlights.

I don't think I'm the dumbest sack of blood and bile on Earth, far from it, but I am further still away from deserving the title of 'intelligent'.

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you trust your view on yourself?

It's the only view of myself that I have. Those of my family seem to be biased by sentimentality, and exist more of conjured phantoms they place in my stead that are more to their liking than the reality is.

(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Why did you start going to university?
Do you want to finish university?

I started to go to university for a few reasons.
Primarily was that I had no other option. I am virtually unemployable, not that there are any accessible jobs I could do anyway, so I rely on my government support to not have to leech off my family and help them with their costs; and in order to get it, I need to study. So I do.
Aside from that, the only thing I am remotely good at and am still able to largely enjoy is learning, or trying to learn I suppose. So I thought it best to pursue further education to allow myself the small pleasure of attempting to advance my education in a field that interested me.
Also, I needed to go. Aside from curiosity and financing, the other primary reason was to prove that I could. Mostly to myself, that after wallowing in less than mediocrity my entire education, after existing in a state of virtually endless failure, I could do something right. That I was smart enough.
Suffice it to say, as usual, I have so far failed to meet that last objective...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Have you talked to her about this shame, and that it makes you hold back?

No, because it hasn't come up and I can't broach it on my own. I can't even express it correctly anyway, so what's the use.

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you think you are the absolute worst person she has had sitting in the chair?

Of course not...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Would giving her more data to work with increase the chances of a successful treatment, or would it lower it?

Garbled nonsense data would only make things more complex, and there is a set time-frame with work with thanks to the government's poor mental healthcare coverage.

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Is it scary that you might mean a lot to other people on the site?

Not scary so much as confusing... And somehow both upsetting and comforting...

(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  I'm happy that you feel you can share with us. And I don't want you to feel pressured into telling more that you feel good about. But I assure you that you are not a bother. And if you feel better with opening up to those you trust more, then shoot them a message in their inbox. Mine is open too, if you should feel for it. Skype is an option too.

It would be best if I stay in the open... Anything else would just feel like running away from the commitment the thread represents.

It can be a rough process to sever the power you give other people's expectations (for example, that you have to be not just smart, but super-smart), and it helps if you have strong interests and goals of your own to pursue. From reading your posts here I think you're still in the process of developing your own interests and goals and, I hope, challenging your prior acceptance of the expectations of others. I hope that the therapy you're getting will help with this. Once you have a good idea of what you want to do, and how you're going to judge your success, other people's expectations may not feel so constraining.

A therapist said something to me once about family pressures that really hit the spot, which was that your parents often have expectations for you that are much stricter than the performance they themselves have demonstrated. My mother used to sigh that I was no genius. She was right: I was a straight A overachiever, but no genius, and I felt very much that I had disappointed and failed her--if only I could be perfect, and a genius, she would finally really love me! So for a while I tried very hard to be perfect, with the common perfectionist-child meltdown--for me, that was in college and a bit after, when I spent a lot of time fucking up and skipping class and left without a degree, etc. It wasn't until I was talking to this particular therapist that I even really questioned why it was justifiable that my mother--who was no genius, either--felt that her child who wasn't a genius just wasn't trying hard enough to be one.

Once I considered how absurd (and unintentionally cruel) that expectation and some others were, their power over me was less. Not vanished, but challengeable.

I hope some of this makes sense.
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05-03-2016, 04:37 AM (This post was last modified: 05-03-2016 04:40 AM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(04-03-2016 10:43 AM)julep Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I don't really know... I just expect that I should be able to live up to all the 'smartness praise' I get from others, but I don't feel I really can. If I was as smart as people seem to think, the question comes to me: why do I always screw things up a bunch of tines before getting things even remotely in the direction of correct? Why do I struggle to do even simple things? If I'm so able, why am I seeing a doc? I shouldn't need one, right? I'd have fixed my problems already.

If I'm so goddamned smart, with such a damn bright future, why the hell can't I see it? Why am I blinded where everybody else seems to see?! Hell, why did I fail every single year but one in Highschool? Why is my best never good enough?!

Clearly everybody has a different conception of intelligence than I do, because they manage to put a dumbass like me under it, and I don't. I have my moments, as incredibly rare and fleeting as they are, of lucidity and smrts, but in a world of true intelligence, of people like Hawking and Krauss, where people like Einstein, Darwin, Eratosthenes, Madame Curie, Feynman, Euclid, and Plato once walked; even just on a forum graced by the presence of people like GWG and CJLR among so many others; by what right can I call myself intelligent?

Looking at it from my standpoint, I don't come close to rating. I'm one of the dim flashlight bulbs among spotlights.

I don't think I'm the dumbest sack of blood and bile on Earth, far from it, but I am further still away from deserving the title of 'intelligent'.


It's the only view of myself that I have. Those of my family seem to be biased by sentimentality, and exist more of conjured phantoms they place in my stead that are more to their liking than the reality is.


I started to go to university for a few reasons.
Primarily was that I had no other option. I am virtually unemployable, not that there are any accessible jobs I could do anyway, so I rely on my government support to not have to leech off my family and help them with their costs; and in order to get it, I need to study. So I do.
Aside from that, the only thing I am remotely good at and am still able to largely enjoy is learning, or trying to learn I suppose. So I thought it best to pursue further education to allow myself the small pleasure of attempting to advance my education in a field that interested me.
Also, I needed to go. Aside from curiosity and financing, the other primary reason was to prove that I could. Mostly to myself, that after wallowing in less than mediocrity my entire education, after existing in a state of virtually endless failure, I could do something right. That I was smart enough.
Suffice it to say, as usual, I have so far failed to meet that last objective...


No, because it hasn't come up and I can't broach it on my own. I can't even express it correctly anyway, so what's the use.


Of course not...


Garbled nonsense data would only make things more complex, and there is a set time-frame with work with thanks to the government's poor mental healthcare coverage.


Not scary so much as confusing... And somehow both upsetting and comforting...


It would be best if I stay in the open... Anything else would just feel like running away from the commitment the thread represents.

It can be a rough process to sever the power you give other people's expectations (for example, that you have to be not just smart, but super-smart), and it helps if you have strong interests and goals of your own to pursue. From reading your posts here I think you're still in the process of developing your own interests and goals and, I hope, challenging your prior acceptance of the expectations of others. I hope that the therapy you're getting will help with this. Once you have a good idea of what you want to do, and how you're going to judge your success, other people's expectations may not feel so constraining.

A therapist said something to me once about family pressures that really hit the spot, which was that your parents often have expectations for you that are much stricter than the performance they themselves have demonstrated. My mother used to sigh that I was no genius. She was right: I was a straight A overachiever, but no genius, and I felt very much that I had disappointed and failed her--if only I could be perfect, and a genius, she would finally really love me! So for a while I tried very hard to be perfect, with the common perfectionist-child meltdown--for me, that was in college and a bit after, when I spent a lot of time fucking up and skipping class and left without a degree, etc. It wasn't until I was talking to this particular therapist that I even really questioned why it was justifiable that my mother--who was no genius, either--felt that her child who wasn't a genius just wasn't trying hard enough to be one.

Once I considered how absurd (and unintentionally cruel) that expectation and some others were, their power over me was less. Not vanished, but challengeable.

I hope some of this makes sense.

The Overlords aren't really pushy at me or bemoaning my lack of genius. I think they are genuinely trying to be encouraging but they are really not helping with their 'help'...


In similar news, they just barged into my room a few minutes ago. They wanted to talk to me to 'make sure I was alright'. According to them, I have been 'backsliding' recently into 'how I used to be'...
They believe I've not been as "happy" as I have been recently, that I've been a little out of it. Which is true, I suppose. I have been more depressed with the start of Uni and it's existence being a constant reminding of my ineptitude. But I wouldn't say it is accurate to say I've been happy of late. I've just spent more time out of my room, with a more lively mask. I have been getting more glimpses of happiness, but not around them.

I didn't want to put up with the bullshit 'you can do this' speech I've heard ten thousand times before, so I just said I wasn't feeling any different. they want me to arrange to see the doctor at the uni again so my mother can speak to her and maybe get my meds up-dosed. I waited for the Defacto to leave before actually talking. I told her that the uni has been messing with my head since it started; that it feels like every day I go, I'm just reliving my failures from last year (all my classes are repeats, so strictly speaking I am).
She rebuffed that with the observation that I had problems going on that I wasn't getting help with, so it's not redoing failures, it's just having another go.
It's valid, but it just feels like an excuse.

So on Monday, I'll have to call or go up to the uni clinic and get an appointment. Just what I need. More anxiety battling... As if the pracs, tutes and supervised studies won't be bad enough.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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05-03-2016, 04:43 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(05-03-2016 04:37 AM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(04-03-2016 10:43 AM)julep Wrote:  It can be a rough process to sever the power you give other people's expectations (for example, that you have to be not just smart, but super-smart), and it helps if you have strong interests and goals of your own to pursue. From reading your posts here I think you're still in the process of developing your own interests and goals and, I hope, challenging your prior acceptance of the expectations of others. I hope that the therapy you're getting will help with this. Once you have a good idea of what you want to do, and how you're going to judge your success, other people's expectations may not feel so constraining.

A therapist said something to me once about family pressures that really hit the spot, which was that your parents often have expectations for you that are much stricter than the performance they themselves have demonstrated. My mother used to sigh that I was no genius. She was right: I was a straight A overachiever, but no genius, and I felt very much that I had disappointed and failed her--if only I could be perfect, and a genius, she would finally really love me! So for a while I tried very hard to be perfect, with the common perfectionist-child meltdown--for me, that was in college and a bit after, when I spent a lot of time fucking up and skipping class and left without a degree, etc. It wasn't until I was talking to this particular therapist that I even really questioned why it was justifiable that my mother--who was no genius, either--felt that her child who wasn't a genius just wasn't trying hard enough to be one.

Once I considered how absurd (and unintentionally cruel) that expectation and some others were, their power over me was less. Not vanished, but challengeable.

I hope some of this makes sense.

The Overlords aren't really pushy at me or bemoaning my lack of genius. I think they are genuinely trying to be encouraging but they are really not helping with their 'help'...


In similar news, they just barged into my room a few minutes ago. They wanted to talk to me to 'make sure I was alright'. According to them, I have been 'backsliding' recently into 'how I used to be'...
They believe I've not been as "happy" as I have been recently, that I've been a little out of it. Which is true, I suppose. I have been more depressed with the start of Uni and it's existence being a constant reminding of my ineptitude. But I wouldn't say it is accurate to say I've been happy of late. I've just spent more time out of my room, with a more lively mask. I have been getting more glimpses of happiness, but not around them.

I didn't want to put up with the bullshit 'you can do this' speech I've heard ten thousand times before, so I just said I wasn't feeling any different. they want me to arrange to see the doctor at the uni again so my mother can speak to her and maybe get my meds up-dosed. I waited for the Defacto to leave before actually talking. I told her that the uni has been messing with my head since it started; that it feels like every day I go, I'm just reliving my failures from last year (all my classes are repeats, so strictly speaking I am).
She rebuffed that with the observation that I had problems going on that I wasn't getting help with, so it's not redoing failures, it's just having another go.
It's valid, but it just feels like an excuse.

So on Monday, I'll have to call or go up to the uni clinic can get an appointment. Just what I need. More anxiety battling...


The great first Santana band drummer, Michael Shrieve was fired for no reason from a gig with the Japanese artist Kitaro. He knew he'd been fired because members of Kitaro's entourage wanted their friend in the band. A lesser drummer, but their friend.

Shrieve left the office fuming. There was no reason other than these guy's mate.

Michael pressed the button for the lift. Who should pop up when the doors opened but the GREAT Steve Gadd. Studio drum legend. Michael told him what had happened. Steve thought about it for a while, looked at Michael and said, "Fuck them!"

Shrieve felt much better.

FT. Fuck them!

We have your back.

NOTE: Member, Tomasia uses this site to slander other individuals. He then later proclaims it a joke, but not in public.
I will call him a liar and a dog here and now.
Banjo.
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07-03-2016, 03:25 AM (This post was last modified: 07-03-2016 06:50 AM by Nishi Karano Kaze.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  What are your own expectations for yourself?
What are your criteria for being intelligent, could other people have other criteria than you?

I don't really know... I just expect that I should be able to live up to all the 'smartness praise' I get from others, but I don't feel I really can. If I was as smart as people seem to think, the question comes to me: why do I always screw things up a bunch of tines before getting things even remotely in the direction of correct? Why do I struggle to do even simple things? If I'm so able, why am I seeing a doc? I shouldn't need one, right? I'd have fixed my problems already.

If I'm so goddamned smart, with such a damn bright future, why the hell can't I see it? Why am I blinded where everybody else seems to see?! Hell, why did I fail every single year but one in Highschool? Why is my best never good enough?!

Clearly everybody has a different conception of intelligence than I do, because they manage to put a dumbass like me under it, and I don't. I have my moments, as incredibly rare and fleeting as they are, of lucidity and smrts, but in a world of true intelligence, of people like Hawking and Krauss, where people like Einstein, Darwin, Eratosthenes, Madame Curie, Feynman, Euclid, and Plato once walked; even just on a forum graced by the presence of people like GWG and CJLR among so many others; by what right can I call myself intelligent?

Looking at it from my standpoint, I don't come close to rating. I'm one of the dim flashlight bulbs among spotlights.

I don't think I'm the dumbest sack of blood and bile on Earth, far from it, but I am further still away from deserving the title of 'intelligent'.

So what you're saying is: Because there's people that are smarter than you, then you can't be intelligent?
Also, are you comparing yourself to people who have more education and more life experience than yourself?
And do you think all intelligent people do well in life?
I admit that I have the same thought about myself as those you describe. But at some point I also figured out that I can't really trust my view on my self too much. Or rather I need to focus less on the bad and more on the good.

There will always be people more smart than you. And you'll always find people that seem more happy too. I recognize so many of your feeling about yourself. And they can seem so impossible to get rid of as they feel ingrained in ones personality. But I've changed enough over the course of my treatment that I see how much can be done. Even when one don't feel it. So I'm really happy that you are talking to someone about it and I really hope you get to figure out what to turn it around.

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you trust your view on yourself?

It's the only view of myself that I have. Those of my family seem to be biased by sentimentality, and exist more of conjured phantoms they place in my stead that are more to their liking than the reality is.
Would you say that your anxiety exist due to a conjured phantom or not?
Are you sure you see the honest truth about yourself?

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 01:17 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Why did you start going to university?
Do you want to finish university?

I started to go to university for a few reasons.
Primarily was that I had no other option. I am virtually unemployable, not that there are any accessible jobs I could do anyway, so I rely on my government support to not have to leech off my family and help them with their costs; and in order to get it, I need to study. So I do.
Aside from that, the only thing I am remotely good at and am still able to largely enjoy is learning, or trying to learn I suppose. So I thought it best to pursue further education to allow myself the small pleasure of attempting to advance my education in a field that interested me.
Also, I needed to go. Aside from curiosity and financing, the other primary reason was to prove that I could. Mostly to myself, that after wallowing in less than mediocrity my entire education, after existing in a state of virtually endless failure, I could do something right. That I was smart enough.
Suffice it to say, as usual, I have so far failed to meet that last objective...
So have you given up, and are just trotting on because you have no other option?
Or do you think you'll be able to complete it if you get over some of your problems?

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Have you talked to her about this shame, and that it makes you hold back?

No, because it hasn't come up and I can't broach it on my own. I can't even express it correctly anyway, so what's the use.
If you have trouble talking to her about it, then try to write it down and hand her the paper. Then even if you can't get it entirely right you'll give a platform to go on.

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Do you think you are the absolute worst person she has had sitting in the chair?

Of course not...
Good. Perhaps she don't find you disgusting if you tell her what it is you, yourself find so?

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Would giving her more data to work with increase the chances of a successful treatment, or would it lower it?

Garbled nonsense data would only make things more complex, and there is a set time-frame with work with thanks to the government's poor mental healthcare coverage.

Is it possible that she's well versed in traversing so called garbled nonsense data, and find what useful?

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  Is it scary that you might mean a lot to other people on the site?

Not scary so much as confusing... And somehow both upsetting and comforting...

Again, perhaps you should trust other people's judgment about you a bit more. And your own a bit less?

(03-03-2016 04:42 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(03-03-2016 04:21 AM)Nishi Karano Kaze Wrote:  I'm happy that you feel you can share with us. And I don't want you to feel pressured into telling more that you feel good about. But I assure you that you are not a bother. And if you feel better with opening up to those you trust more, then shoot them a message in their inbox. Mine is open too, if you should feel for it. Skype is an option too.

It would be best if I stay in the open... Anything else would just feel like running away from the commitment the thread represents.
It's naturally up to you. Just remember. one thing don't exclude the other.
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20-05-2016, 05:47 PM (This post was last modified: 20-05-2016 05:51 PM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I don't want to do this any more...

I don't want to go to uni any more. I don't want to feel shit all the time any more. I don't want to have to hear the voice in my head tell me I could just throw myself under that passing bus. Or hear it chastise me for doing nothing. Or have to take pills every day. Or pretend I'm functional.

I just don't want to wake up any more.

But there is nothing I can do about it. every day, I'm inevitably roused from my one peace and forced to continue on. every. damn. day. I keep finding myself thinking about it, how I could escape. But nothing I can think of is viable. There's no damn way out. I'm too much of a coward to try jumping off something, or ODing, or slitting an artery or two; if I fuck it up, I'm never going to escape it. The memory of my ultimate failure will haunt me forever; the doctors wont let me escape it, nor will my family surely, and my mind wont ever either. Everything i think of, or look into, I can't do for whatever reason, I'm too terrified of fucking it up and making everything worse, or logistics get in the way.

I was promised by everybody I've ever spoken to that it gets better with time. And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me. Just like every other time in the past where I've started to feel better; my hope that things might be okay hovers just within reach, and when i try to seize it, it gets taken away. Every. Time. for years.

I don't except to get better over night. I know it will be a long road. but it's getting harder and harder to tolerate living like this. I have important things to work on, but instead I can't help myself but seek only for desperate escapesI'm constantly stuck between the duty-bound me screaming at me to do what I am supposed to, the version of me that just wants nothing more than to die because it exist a frustrating, meaningless hollowed existence, and the part of me that tells me i need to get away from the other parts.

I keep reading that I can't trust myself now; that my brain has run haywire, so I cant rely on my perceptions. And I can't help but feel it's true in more ways than the writers may thing; I keep questioning whether anything is even wrong with me; how can I trust myself that my existence really is as painful as it feels? How can I be sure all of my 'problems' aren't entirely self-generated delusions? If I can't trust myself when I find myself thinking why bother going on, how can I trust anything else? It's not like I have anything all that bad going on, my mental shit aside. Sometimes I wondering if I'm not guilty of just making up things for attention, as I was so often accused of when I was younger. I just need to dump my brain out and get some reassurance. I can't go anywhere else for it...

Just so tired of everything right now.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
"Anti-environmentalism is like standing in front of a forest and going 'quick kill them they're coming right for us!'" - Jake Farr-Wharton, The Imaginary Friend Show.
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