Getting help; an FT rambling.
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20-05-2016, 06:05 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me.

How did it get yanked away from you?

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-05-2016, 07:35 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I don't want to do this any more...

I don't want to go to uni any more. I don't want to feel shit all the time any more. I don't want to have to hear the voice in my head tell me I could just throw myself under that passing bus. Or hear it chastise me for doing nothing. Or have to take pills every day. Or pretend I'm functional.

I just don't want to wake up any more.

But there is nothing I can do about it. every day, I'm inevitably roused from my one peace and forced to continue on. every. damn. day. I keep finding myself thinking about it, how I could escape. But nothing I can think of is viable. There's no damn way out. I'm too much of a coward to try jumping off something, or ODing, or slitting an artery or two; if I fuck it up, I'm never going to escape it. The memory of my ultimate failure will haunt me forever; the doctors wont let me escape it, nor will my family surely, and my mind wont ever either. Everything i think of, or look into, I can't do for whatever reason, I'm too terrified of fucking it up and making everything worse, or logistics get in the way.

I was promised by everybody I've ever spoken to that it gets better with time. And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me. Just like every other time in the past where I've started to feel better; my hope that things might be okay hovers just within reach, and when i try to seize it, it gets taken away. Every. Time. for years.

I don't except to get better over night. I know it will be a long road. but it's getting harder and harder to tolerate living like this. I have important things to work on, but instead I can't help myself but seek only for desperate escapesI'm constantly stuck between the duty-bound me screaming at me to do what I am supposed to, the version of me that just wants nothing more than to die because it exist a frustrating, meaningless hollowed existence, and the part of me that tells me i need to get away from the other parts.

I keep reading that I can't trust myself now; that my brain has run haywire, so I cant rely on my perceptions. And I can't help but feel it's true in more ways than the writers may thing; I keep questioning whether anything is even wrong with me; how can I trust myself that my existence really is as painful as it feels? How can I be sure all of my 'problems' aren't entirely self-generated delusions? If I can't trust myself when I find myself thinking why bother going on, how can I trust anything else? It's not like I have anything all that bad going on, my mental shit aside. Sometimes I wondering if I'm not guilty of just making up things for attention, as I was so often accused of when I was younger. I just need to dump my brain out and get some reassurance. I can't go anywhere else for it...

Just so tired of everything right now.

Keep taking your medications, even if you don't want to.

We all care about you. I care about you. It will work out.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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20-05-2016, 07:50 PM (This post was last modified: 20-05-2016 07:55 PM by GirlyMan.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.



She said, "Hang the rich."

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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20-05-2016, 08:14 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  How can I be sure all of my 'problems' aren't entirely self-generated delusions?




There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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20-05-2016, 08:30 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 07:35 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I don't want to do this any more...

I don't want to go to uni any more. I don't want to feel shit all the time any more. I don't want to have to hear the voice in my head tell me I could just throw myself under that passing bus. Or hear it chastise me for doing nothing. Or have to take pills every day. Or pretend I'm functional.

I just don't want to wake up any more.

But there is nothing I can do about it. every day, I'm inevitably roused from my one peace and forced to continue on. every. damn. day. I keep finding myself thinking about it, how I could escape. But nothing I can think of is viable. There's no damn way out. I'm too much of a coward to try jumping off something, or ODing, or slitting an artery or two; if I fuck it up, I'm never going to escape it. The memory of my ultimate failure will haunt me forever; the doctors wont let me escape it, nor will my family surely, and my mind wont ever either. Everything i think of, or look into, I can't do for whatever reason, I'm too terrified of fucking it up and making everything worse, or logistics get in the way.

I was promised by everybody I've ever spoken to that it gets better with time. And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me. Just like every other time in the past where I've started to feel better; my hope that things might be okay hovers just within reach, and when i try to seize it, it gets taken away. Every. Time. for years.

I don't except to get better over night. I know it will be a long road. but it's getting harder and harder to tolerate living like this. I have important things to work on, but instead I can't help myself but seek only for desperate escapesI'm constantly stuck between the duty-bound me screaming at me to do what I am supposed to, the version of me that just wants nothing more than to die because it exist a frustrating, meaningless hollowed existence, and the part of me that tells me i need to get away from the other parts.

I keep reading that I can't trust myself now; that my brain has run haywire, so I cant rely on my perceptions. And I can't help but feel it's true in more ways than the writers may thing; I keep questioning whether anything is even wrong with me; how can I trust myself that my existence really is as painful as it feels? How can I be sure all of my 'problems' aren't entirely self-generated delusions? If I can't trust myself when I find myself thinking why bother going on, how can I trust anything else? It's not like I have anything all that bad going on, my mental shit aside. Sometimes I wondering if I'm not guilty of just making up things for attention, as I was so often accused of when I was younger. I just need to dump my brain out and get some reassurance. I can't go anywhere else for it...

Just so tired of everything right now.

Keep taking your medications, even if you don't want to.

We all care about you. I care about you. It will work out.

Yes, that! You need to keep taking the meds, it takes time and you need the right mix.

I don't think you are making things up for attention. It is really scary when you think you are not in control of your brain, when your brain goes places you don't want to go.
But you can control some things. You can control the pills, take them.

If they are not right, go back to the doc and get different ones, or a different dose. Be active about your well-being! There is so much for you to enjoy once you find the right balance...

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-05-2016, 08:44 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
I have stumbled around this thread, reading a bit here and a bit there. Maybe I have lost the sense of it since I am myself half way down the bottle tonight, but there are many of us in life who have to take our pills daily. Mine are for diabetes, cholesterol, and blood pressure. Once upon a time (1999) I went to a doctor, and he prescribed high blood pressure pills. I had a live in girlfriend at the time and couldn't "get it up" after starting the pills. He, the doctor, said that "No these pills have no effect on that." I asked a druggist, and she assured me that yes they lowered my blood pressure and that thingie works on blood pressure, so I stopped taking the pills, and you know what? It didn't have any effect on the damn lying doctor, but I had to have a triple bypass operation on my heart 4 years later! I don't know whether if I had taken the pills the operation would have been avoided or not, but now I take the pills every day!
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21-05-2016, 02:15 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 08:30 PM)Dom Wrote:  
(20-05-2016 07:35 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Keep taking your medications, even if you don't want to.

We all care about you. I care about you. It will work out.

Yes, that! You need to keep taking the meds, it takes time and you need the right mix.

I don't think you are making things up for attention. It is really scary when you think you are not in control of your brain, when your brain goes places you don't want to go.
But you can control some things. You can control the pills, take them.

If they are not right, go back to the doc and get different ones, or a different dose. Be active about your well-being! There is so much for you to enjoy once you find the right balance...

Exactly right and so what if you have to take them long term? I've been on them for thirty years! If you were diabetic you'd have to take your pills or insulin for life. Give the meds a chance try new combinations if they're not working for you.
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21-05-2016, 04:55 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I don't want to do this any more...

I don't want to go to uni any more. I don't want to feel shit all the time any more. I don't want to have to hear the voice in my head tell me I could just throw myself under that passing bus. Or hear it chastise me for doing nothing. Or have to take pills every day. Or pretend I'm functional.

I just don't want to wake up any more.

But there is nothing I can do about it. every day, I'm inevitably roused from my one peace and forced to continue on. every. damn. day. I keep finding myself thinking about it, how I could escape. But nothing I can think of is viable. There's no damn way out. I'm too much of a coward to try jumping off something, or ODing, or slitting an artery or two; if I fuck it up, I'm never going to escape it. The memory of my ultimate failure will haunt me forever; the doctors wont let me escape it, nor will my family surely, and my mind wont ever either. Everything i think of, or look into, I can't do for whatever reason, I'm too terrified of fucking it up and making everything worse, or logistics get in the way.

I was promised by everybody I've ever spoken to that it gets better with time. And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me. Just like every other time in the past where I've started to feel better; my hope that things might be okay hovers just within reach, and when i try to seize it, it gets taken away. Every. Time. for years.

I don't except to get better over night. I know it will be a long road. but it's getting harder and harder to tolerate living like this. I have important things to work on, but instead I can't help myself but seek only for desperate escapesI'm constantly stuck between the duty-bound me screaming at me to do what I am supposed to, the version of me that just wants nothing more than to die because it exist a frustrating, meaningless hollowed existence, and the part of me that tells me i need to get away from the other parts.

I keep reading that I can't trust myself now; that my brain has run haywire, so I cant rely on my perceptions. And I can't help but feel it's true in more ways than the writers may thing; I keep questioning whether anything is even wrong with me; how can I trust myself that my existence really is as painful as it feels? How can I be sure all of my 'problems' aren't entirely self-generated delusions? If I can't trust myself when I find myself thinking why bother going on, how can I trust anything else? It's not like I have anything all that bad going on, my mental shit aside. Sometimes I wondering if I'm not guilty of just making up things for attention, as I was so often accused of when I was younger. I just need to dump my brain out and get some reassurance. I can't go anywhere else for it...

Just so tired of everything right now.

That sounds like the clinical depression talking. Consider

Anti-depressants don't make one happy - they make the black cloud stay on the horizon.

Take the meds, discuss the effects of the meds with the doctor, adjust as needed.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

Skepticism is not a position; it is an approach to claims.
Science is not a subject, but a method.
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21-05-2016, 05:28 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I was promised by everybody I've ever spoken to that it gets better with time. And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me. Just like every other time in the past where I've started to feel better; my hope that things might be okay hovers just within reach, and when i try to seize it, it gets taken away. Every. Time. for years.
Can you describe what you mean by "it got yanked away from me"? Did someone actually take something away from you, or... was it that you were making progress and suddenly everything went to shit?

Quote:I don't except to get better over night. I know it will be a long road. but it's getting harder and harder to tolerate living like this. I have important things to work on, but instead I can't help myself but seek only for desperate escapesI'm constantly stuck between the duty-bound me screaming at me to do what I am supposed to, the version of me that just wants nothing more than to die because it exist a frustrating, meaningless hollowed existence, and the part of me that tells me i need to get away from the other parts.

I keep reading that I can't trust myself now; that my brain has run haywire, so I cant rely on my perceptions. And I can't help but feel it's true in more ways than the writers may thing; I keep questioning whether anything is even wrong with me; how can I trust myself that my existence really is as painful as it feels? How can I be sure all of my 'problems' aren't entirely self-generated delusions? If I can't trust myself when I find myself thinking why bother going on, how can I trust anything else? It's not like I have anything all that bad going on, my mental shit aside. Sometimes I wondering if I'm not guilty of just making up things for attention, as I was so often accused of when I was younger. I just need to dump my brain out and get some reassurance. I can't go anywhere else for it...

Just so tired of everything right now.

What are the important things that you need to do? Can you list them? I imagine uni work would be up there. What makes existence painful? Can you identify it? Even if you're not sure if you can trust your perceptions, what *are* your perceptions?

As you correctly say, it's a long road. I think maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to do well immediately.

Do you struggle with procrastination?

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If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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21-05-2016, 07:11 PM (This post was last modified: 21-05-2016 07:15 PM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-05-2016 05:28 AM)morondog Wrote:  
(20-05-2016 05:47 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I was promised by everybody I've ever spoken to that it gets better with time. And I was starting to feel better after a while, but it got yanked away from me. Just like every other time in the past where I've started to feel better; my hope that things might be okay hovers just within reach, and when i try to seize it, it gets taken away. Every. Time. for years.
Can you describe what you mean by "it got yanked away from me"? Did someone actually take something away from you, or... was it that you were making progress and suddenly everything went to shit?
(20-05-2016 06:05 PM)Dom Wrote:  How did it get yanked away from you?

For a while, I was starting to feel okay; an okay I hadn't felt for more years than I care remember; I wasn't happy, but I felt so much better. I didn't regret waking up each morning, I had energy again, I could look at myself and not think 'worthless failure', I could swear I had hope of seeing the light again and freeing myself from my problems; there was an end to the road somewhere, just had to keep looking.

But before I knew it, here I was again. Somehow I managed to fuck up somewhere and launched myself back down the abyss; before I knew it, the hope was gone. Every day it gets harder to get up. The energy was replaced by ever-growing lethargy and indifference yet again.
I was getting somewhere and all that progress just got obliterated out of nowhere.

I was used to that sort of feeling; feeling better and then finding myself back down shit creek, but this was worse. I let myself get convinced that I really was getting somewhere. It feels crushing; knowing that at some point things were looking good, and now it's all gone and I don't even know why. It's just gone.

Now I often wish I had never gone to see the counsellor on that day that got everything started. I would never have had that momentary feeling of success to stab me in the back.

(20-05-2016 07:35 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Keep taking your medications, even if you don't want to.

We all care about you. I care about you. It will work out.

With each passing day it feels harder to get myself to believe it will work out.

(21-05-2016 05:28 AM)morondog Wrote:  What are the important things that you need to do? Can you list them? I imagine uni work would be up there. What makes existence painful? Can you identify it? Even if you're not sure if you can trust your perceptions, what *are* your perceptions?

As you correctly say, it's a long road. I think maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to do well immediately.

Do you struggle with procrastination?

Most of the important stuff is related to uni; work and study I need to do, but there's also other stuff; I've been told by my docs to get out and exercise, need to help around the house and stuff, but it's getting harder again to do anything.
What makes existence painful? I don't expect anybody to understand, since I don't. It just kind of is; that fact that all I have to look forward to is waking up tomorrow, and knowing I will wish I hadn't. It feels like all I have is a feeling of worthlessness, even though I know that's not the case intellectually. It hurts to wake up every day and feel like garbage best tossed away, to feel weak and helpless, and without control of my own components. Every day having to feel horrid just for being alive, all the while chastising myself for even daring to think that; I have so much, right? Knowing that somewhere there might just be a path to happiness but I can't see it.

It hurts. and I try, and I try, and I try to stop those thoughts, but I can't, which just makes them worse.

I hope my babbling is understandable,,,

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