Getting help; an FT rambling.
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21-05-2016, 07:19 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Please share what you are telling us with your doctor/counselor. Use the same words. Print it out if you have to. Perhaps if they read what you write they will better understand how to help you.

You are quite articulate when you write. Perhaps you can get your feelings across better with your written word.

I wish you saw yourself as I see you. A smart, articulate, and very funny young man who cares about others. Sending you hugs and love my friend.

See here they are the bruises some were self-inflicted and some showed up along the way. - JF

We're all mad here. The Cheshire Cat
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21-05-2016, 07:26 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-05-2016 07:19 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Please share what you are telling us with your doctor/counselor. Use the same words. Print it out if you have to. Perhaps if they read what you write they will better understand how to help you.

You are quite articulate when you write. Perhaps you can get your feelings across better with your written word.

I wish you saw yourself as I see you. A smart, articulate, and very funny young man who cares about others. Sending you hugs and love my friend.

Some people are much more articulate in writing than sitting feeling overwhelmed by some one. I agree with what she said. Print this (what you have shared with us) out and present it to the counselor
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21-05-2016, 11:46 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  For a while, I was starting to feel okay; an okay I hadn't felt for more years than I care remember; I wasn't happy, but I felt so much better. I didn't regret waking up each morning, I had energy again, I could look at myself and not think 'worthless failure', I could swear I had hope of seeing the light again and freeing myself from my problems; there was an end to the road somewhere, just had to keep looking.

But before I knew it, here I was again. Somehow I managed to fuck up somewhere and launched myself back down the abyss; before I knew it, the hope was gone. Every day it gets harder to get up. The energy was replaced by ever-growing lethargy and indifference yet again.
I was getting somewhere and all that progress just got obliterated out of nowhere.
Um. It sounds like the treatment worked for a time. Did you by any chance, stop taking your meds? Also... I find personally that mental stuff goes in cycles. I'll be fine and a few months later life is rough... I wait out the rough patch and things go back to being OK. I've never suffered from your kind of depression, but I think it may be similar.

Quote:I was used to that sort of feeling; feeling better and then finding myself back down shit creek, but this was worse. I let myself get convinced that I really was getting somewhere. It feels crushing; knowing that at some point things were looking good, and now it's all gone and I don't even know why. It's just gone.

Now I often wish I had never gone to see the counsellor on that day that got everything started. I would never have had that momentary feeling of success to stab me in the back.
It... FT I think it wasn't momentary success. You started running and fell down. You have evidence that this stuff works for you. I think maybe you did just get too excited, and then you did hit a setback and as you say, it really hurt because you were so sure you were fine. But I think you need to not lose hope right away. Depression is *hard* to fight. It's rough that you have to fight it but them's the breaks. Some people have to deal with physical disease, they're just unlucky to have that physical disease. You have mental stuff to deal with. You're also just unlucky. It doesn't mean you're a failure.

(20-05-2016 07:35 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Keep taking your medications, even if you don't want to.

We all care about you. I care about you. It will work out.

With each passing day it feels harder to get myself to believe it will work out.
[/quote]
If you stop taking your meds, it'll go that way even faster. Come on brother, do diabetes patients suddenly one day decide not to take their meds? It's completely the same thing with depression meds, except because society puts such a stigma on mental health depressed people are more likely to stop. Don't stop.

Quote:Most of the important stuff is related to uni; work and study I need to do, but there's also other stuff; I've been told by my docs to get out and exercise, need to help around the house and stuff, but it's getting harder again to do anything.
OK. I want you to know that relative to staying sane, uni work isn't that important. In the big picture, say you fail a year? What's so shit about that? You can still repeat it. You might even benefit from taking a couple of months off uni work - ask your counsellor person?

Quote:What makes existence painful? I don't expect anybody to understand, since I don't. It just kind of is; that fact that all I have to look forward to is waking up tomorrow, and knowing I will wish I hadn't. It feels like all I have is a feeling of worthlessness, even though I know that's not the case intellectually. It hurts to wake up every day and feel like garbage best tossed away, to feel weak and helpless, and without control of my own components. Every day having to feel horrid just for being alive, all the while chastising myself for even daring to think that; I have so much, right? Knowing that somewhere there might just be a path to happiness but I can't see it.
You seem clearly aware that this is depression talking, not actual facts. So... I mean. You're not worthless, you know you're not worthless, yet you feel worthless. So... distrust your feelings. Trust yourself. Think "I feel worthless but I know that I have worth".

Um. By the way, we are all just alive for no particular reason. You might feel like you have to achieve something with your life but who says that is true? My goals have long since shifted from being some famous person to getting by. Enjoying my little corner of life.

Quote:It hurts. and I try, and I try, and I try to stop those thoughts, but I can't, which just makes them worse.
Which is why you ask for help. It's no shame to ask for help when you need it.

Quote:I hope my babbling is understandable,,,
Yup Smile You're depressed as fuck Wink That's my diagnosis. Tell your counsellor all this. You *will* find a way back to the light. Too soon to lose hope.

Good luck amigo Smile

We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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22-05-2016, 12:10 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
Depression has an ugly way of fucking up your thinking, FT.

Talk to your doc.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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22-05-2016, 12:08 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  For a while, I was starting to feel okay; an okay I hadn't felt for more years than I care remember; I wasn't happy, but I felt so much better. I didn't regret waking up each morning, I had energy again, I could look at myself and not think 'worthless failure', I could swear I had hope of seeing the light again and freeing myself from my problems; there was an end to the road somewhere, just had to keep looking.

But before I knew it, here I was again. Somehow I managed to fuck up somewhere and launched myself back down the abyss; before I knew it, the hope was gone. Every day it gets harder to get up. The energy was replaced by ever-growing lethargy and indifference yet again.

Been there. I've had several relapses since my 3 yo diagnosis of depression and anxiety and they feel exactly like that. But they sure as shit weren't my fault. Dat brain chemistry shit be voodoo. Especially since the head shrinks don't yet have any diagnostics to determine neurochemical imbalance. They're throwing darts in the dark. Sometimes my doses needed to be titrated up and sometimes the meds need to be replaced completely.

The biggest problem I have during a relapse is a complete loss of sense of time. "You all right fatboy? You been gone like a week?" "What? I thought it had only been a day." This makes it difficult for me to know when to take my meds and missing the meds just makes shit worse. I got Manly to make sure I'm on schedule. You got someone who can do that for you?

There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide. -Camus
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22-05-2016, 12:17 PM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  
(21-05-2016 05:28 AM)morondog Wrote:  Can you describe what you mean by "it got yanked away from me"? Did someone actually take something away from you, or... was it that you were making progress and suddenly everything went to shit?
(20-05-2016 06:05 PM)Dom Wrote:  How did it get yanked away from you?

For a while, I was starting to feel okay; an okay I hadn't felt for more years than I care remember; I wasn't happy, but I felt so much better. I didn't regret waking up each morning, I had energy again, I could look at myself and not think 'worthless failure', I could swear I had hope of seeing the light again and freeing myself from my problems; there was an end to the road somewhere, just had to keep looking.

But before I knew it, here I was again. Somehow I managed to fuck up somewhere and launched myself back down the abyss; before I knew it, the hope was gone. Every day it gets harder to get up. The energy was replaced by ever-growing lethargy and indifference yet again.
I was getting somewhere and all that progress just got obliterated out of nowhere.

I was used to that sort of feeling; feeling better and then finding myself back down shit creek, but this was worse. I let myself get convinced that I really was getting somewhere. It feels crushing; knowing that at some point things were looking good, and now it's all gone and I don't even know why. It's just gone.

Now I often wish I had never gone to see the counsellor on that day that got everything started. I would never have had that momentary feeling of success to stab me in the back.

(20-05-2016 07:35 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  Keep taking your medications, even if you don't want to.

We all care about you. I care about you. It will work out.

With each passing day it feels harder to get myself to believe it will work out.

(21-05-2016 05:28 AM)morondog Wrote:  What are the important things that you need to do? Can you list them? I imagine uni work would be up there. What makes existence painful? Can you identify it? Even if you're not sure if you can trust your perceptions, what *are* your perceptions?

As you correctly say, it's a long road. I think maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to do well immediately.

Do you struggle with procrastination?

Most of the important stuff is related to uni; work and study I need to do, but there's also other stuff; I've been told by my docs to get out and exercise, need to help around the house and stuff, but it's getting harder again to do anything.
What makes existence painful? I don't expect anybody to understand, since I don't. It just kind of is; that fact that all I have to look forward to is waking up tomorrow, and knowing I will wish I hadn't. It feels like all I have is a feeling of worthlessness, even though I know that's not the case intellectually. It hurts to wake up every day and feel like garbage best tossed away, to feel weak and helpless, and without control of my own components. Every day having to feel horrid just for being alive, all the while chastising myself for even daring to think that; I have so much, right? Knowing that somewhere there might just be a path to happiness but I can't see it.

It hurts. and I try, and I try, and I try to stop those thoughts, but I can't, which just makes them worse.

I hope my babbling is understandable,,,

Your meds need adjusting and you will be back to being ok. Just do it. And when it stops working again, do it again. These meds need frequent adjustments.

Girly is right and eventually we will have docs who will be able to measure brain chemistry properly. Just hang in there and get the meds adjusted, over and over again if needed. Get your energy and your control back!

Heart

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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24-05-2016, 06:38 AM (This post was last modified: 24-05-2016 06:44 AM by Free Thought.)
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(21-05-2016 07:19 PM)Anjele Wrote:  Please share what you are telling us with your doctor/counselor. Use the same words. Print it out if you have to. Perhaps if they read what you write they will better understand how to help you.

You are quite articulate when you write. Perhaps you can get your feelings across better with your written word.

It is beginning to feel like my life is a series of conversations leading to me saying 'easier said than done'...
I don't mean that offensively, I'm sorry if it comes off poorly. It's just very difficult for me to broach a conversation, let alone hand something over like this to somebody and ask they read it. I'd feel incredibly awkward and weird about it. Doesn't seem correct, the thought alone is cringe-inducingly uncomfortable. Plus I don't have a printer myself and I can't very well let the Overlords see it, lest I get another pointless, patronising talking to about being open to people who can't understand...

Despite the number of times I've seen her, I'm still getting used to my psych, so that makes following your suggestion more difficult. I'm a little more familiar with the counsellor at uni, but I've stopped seeing her for the time being; she thought having two people run through my head might be counter productive, so she deferred my care to the psych and doc. Though even with the counsellor I probably wouldn't share my posts...

(21-05-2016 07:19 PM)Anjele Wrote:  I wish you saw yourself as I see you. A smart, articulate, and very funny young man who cares about others. Sending you hugs and love my friend.

I wish I could see that too, and it's not been for a lack of trying. It's just that from my own insight to my own head and life, I can't judge myself in such bright manners; at best I'm on the fringe margins of intelligent in the abstract sense, were I tested I'm sure I'd be amongst the lowest IQ percentages. My academic history of constant failure is I feel proof enough that I'm not nearly as bright as the praise of my family and others I've been given would indicate.
I don't think I'm very articulate either; there are always incredibly poor expressions and phrases in virtually anything I write, much to my future-me's constant annoyance. Much of the time it doesn't even feel my slap-dash posts or essays and the like are mine at all, given that I merely habitually copy the manner of speech and writing of the last things I read or heard.
I get that people think I'm amusing, and I will admit to that; very? I doubt a great deal, but I've spent many years using the abortive attempts at jest I call my humour as my pressure valve and my mask in the company of others; it is only reasonable that I should be an okay actor when playing my part as the jester.

Thank you for the kind words, Anje, they really do help keep my spirits marginally higher than the floor. I needed them.

Same to everybody else, thank you.

(21-05-2016 11:46 PM)morondog Wrote:  
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  For a while, I was starting to feel okay; an okay I hadn't felt for more years than I care remember; I wasn't happy, but I felt so much better. I didn't regret waking up each morning, I had energy again, I could look at myself and not think 'worthless failure', I could swear I had hope of seeing the light again and freeing myself from my problems; there was an end to the road somewhere, just had to keep looking.

But before I knew it, here I was again. Somehow I managed to fuck up somewhere and launched myself back down the abyss; before I knew it, the hope was gone. Every day it gets harder to get up. The energy was replaced by ever-growing lethargy and indifference yet again.
I was getting somewhere and all that progress just got obliterated out of nowhere.

Um. It sounds like the treatment worked for a time. Did you by any chance, stop taking your meds? Also... I find personally that mental stuff goes in cycles. I'll be fine and a few months later life is rough... I wait out the rough patch and things go back to being OK. I've never suffered from your kind of depression, but I think it may be similar.

I haven't stopped my meds for any long periods of time. I will admit to missing a day every now and then; either I have to drag myself out the door early and don't have time/forget in my prep, or I just can't get myself to take them. They are long half-life drugs so one or two mornings missed shouldn't be too big a problem.

And don't worry, I don't intend to stop taking them any time soon. Doesn't mean I'll stop feeling annoyed and bad that I have to, though.

(21-05-2016 11:46 PM)morondog Wrote:  
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  Most of the important stuff is related to uni; work and study I need to do, but there's also other stuff; I've been told by my docs to get out and exercise, need to help around the house and stuff, but it's getting harder again to do anything.

OK. I want you to know that relative to staying sane, uni work isn't that important. In the big picture, say you fail a year? What's so shit about that? You can still repeat it. You might even benefit from taking a couple of months off uni work - ask your counsellor person?

While we were still speaking every other week, my counsellor and I had discussed me taking a break, but it's not an option. I help pay rent with my student payments, and supply my own food; if I stop attending, I stop getting my assistance and everything gets harder for the whole house to pick up my financial slack. I'm nowhere near the condition to get a job, even if there was one around and there aren't really any for unqualified first-time workers in the market right now.
On the therapy side of it, the psych, doc, and counsellor all agree that it is best if I keep pushing on with my studies; it functions as a self-esteem builder and if I stop, it'll just be another retreat which makes it unpreferable in my psych's mind if I'm to get out of my negative cognitive feedback loop (my words), and for everybody else it's getting me doing something, to combat the depression and it is socialising me, to work on my social skills and counter my social phobia/autism-related anxieties... (depending on who you ask, from the original diagnoser or everybody else after them, I likely either have generalised anxiety disorder and social phobia or am on the spectrum.)

Plus I also failed last year because of my issues; i get three shots per topic. I can't let this year slip through again...

(21-05-2016 11:46 PM)morondog Wrote:  
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  I hope my babbling is understandable,,,

Yup Smile You're depressed as fuck Wink That's my diagnosis. Tell your counsellor all this. You *will* find a way back to the light. Too soon to lose hope.

Good luck amigo Smile

Thanks, man. I'll try not to slip too far back into the abyss so I lose all of the minute remaining hope. It'll come back.

(22-05-2016 12:08 PM)GirlyMan Wrote:  
(21-05-2016 07:11 PM)Free Thought Wrote:  For a while, I was starting to feel okay; an okay I hadn't felt for more years than I care remember; I wasn't happy, but I felt so much better. I didn't regret waking up each morning, I had energy again, I could look at myself and not think 'worthless failure', I could swear I had hope of seeing the light again and freeing myself from my problems; there was an end to the road somewhere, just had to keep looking.

But before I knew it, here I was again. Somehow I managed to fuck up somewhere and launched myself back down the abyss; before I knew it, the hope was gone. Every day it gets harder to get up. The energy was replaced by ever-growing lethargy and indifference yet again.

Been there. I've had several relapses since my 3 yo diagnosis of depression and anxiety and they feel exactly like that. But they sure as shit weren't my fault. Dat brain chemistry shit be voodoo. Especially since the head shrinks don't yet have any diagnostics to determine neurochemical imbalance. They're throwing darts in the dark. Sometimes my doses needed to be titrated up and sometimes the meds need to be replaced completely.

The biggest problem I have during a relapse is a complete loss of sense of time. "You all right fatboy? You been gone like a week?" "What? I thought it had only been a day." This makes it difficult for me to know when to take my meds and missing the meds just makes shit worse. I got Manly to make sure I'm on schedule. You got someone who can do that for you?

I know about the meds. My dosage was upped again to a 2x dosage a week ago. My doctor doesn't seem to want to try pushing it much further though. She hasn't considered different meds yet I don't think; she is working off the recommendation of the uni's in-house psych and the first one to diagnose me. So I'm stuck on my daily double dose of fluoxetine. At least my meds aren't horrible tasting any more; they are now in capsules...

Unfortunately, I don't have my own Manly to keep me on the right tracks.

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24-05-2016, 08:11 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
FT you're doing good man Smile Looking at your post I see a guy planning to beat this thing. Half the battle is in being resolved to do something about it. The other half is the actual doing, but it's not nearly as hard I think...

If you can't print out your thoughts - ask your counsellor for his/her email address - if you still can't bring yourself to share with them specifically, point them to this thread - send 'em a link Smile It's all laid out here after all.

With your studies... do you find them hard? Or is it that you can't motivate yourself? I'm trying to get a handle on why you have trouble... Do you have trouble with specific topics or across the board? What are your teachers like - are they reasonable human beings, or, like mine, are they the mutated descendants of rabid experimental guinea pigs who escaped and were put in charge of the lab?

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If you're perfect -- Alanis Morissette
(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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24-05-2016, 08:36 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
(24-05-2016 08:11 AM)morondog Wrote:  FT you're doing good man Smile Looking at your post I see a guy planning to beat this thing. Half the battle is in being resolved to do something about it. The other half is the actual doing, but it's not nearly as hard I think...

If you can't print out your thoughts - ask your counsellor for his/her email address - if you still can't bring yourself to share with them specifically, point them to this thread - send 'em a link Smile It's all laid out here after all.

With your studies... do you find them hard? Or is it that you can't motivate yourself? I'm trying to get a handle on why you have trouble... Do you have trouble with specific topics or across the board? What are your teachers like - are they reasonable human beings, or, like mine, are they the mutated descendants of rabid experimental guinea pigs who escaped and were put in charge of the lab?

All of my professors and demonstrators seem quite reasonable and happy to help with any problems I might encounter, when I'm able to actually ask for help that is, especially, it seems, the ones that know I have a 'disability' by way of them having my 'access plan' special requirements paperwork.

My problems stem mostly from motivational and anxiety issues; most of the time when I have work I study to do, I just can't push myself to concentrate and do it, and asking for help isn't easy.
Also the chem stuff pretty much flies directly over my head. And any equations...

I have a lab in the morning I have to get up early to get to, then I'm off to see the psych. Best get to bed for 5 or so hours of nothingness.

The people closely associated with the namesake of female canines are suffering from a nondescript form of lunacy.
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24-05-2016, 09:36 AM
RE: Getting help; an FT rambling.
FT, my son's been on that medication for a long time, but he has to take it regularly. Sometimes on weekends or during busy mornings he forgets to take it. Once isn't bad, but twice in the same week and we start to notice it.

If he skips the pills each week (we went through this once over the summer months -- change in routine) his ability to maintain himself diminished. Like we're asking him "dude did you take your meds?!"

Get yourself, if you don't already, a pill caddy thing with the days of the week, fill it each Sunday morning, set an alarm on something -- phone, computer whatever, to remind you.

Taking the medications consistently helps.

Love you!


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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