Getting married.
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29-11-2016, 06:03 AM
Getting married.
I'm getting married in 14 months. I don't know if I want my side of the family to be there.

I don't have a real relationship with my side of the family, because I've created a situation in which they don't know very much about me--and they don't know that they don't know. I've lied my ass off for reasons of self-preservation for most of our relationship. I grew up in a fundamentalist household and they still very much so same and, well, I'm posting on this forum.

I'm starting to feel guilty at the thought of not inviting them. Yes, they don't know me and would probably freak out if they knew the truth about me, but I don't know how ethical it is of me to in one giant move not invite them without, perhaps, giving them a chance at a better relationship considering the pseudo-relationship that I've helped to create.

This might just be false hopes or kind of Stockholm-like reaction since there were a lot things that happened while I was growing up that some/most would consider abusive. They also don't have much respect for how I currently live (with my fiancé) and have in the past tried to force us to get married and played the whole "living in sin" bit. They don't really value what I'm trying to do with my life (I'm a medical student) and think poorly of me because I'm in line to make a decent living--which we never had while growing up and they still don't have. I'm the only child out of 5 to try and make something of myself and they are about as proud of me as they are of my 30 year old brother who works grill at McDonalds... That may sound hurtful or judgmental of me to say, but to me their reaction only illustrates their ignorance on how the world works and how much work it takes to be successful. And I'm not trying talk trash about McDonalds workers--I'm trying illustrate a point.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like I can't start making any wedding plans until I figure this out and I don't know where to even start with it...
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29-11-2016, 08:25 AM
RE: Getting married.
Can you just elope? Or have a destination wedding somewhere? Just say you decided to do things small scale since you are a student and you don't have tons of money for a huge wedding. While they may not like it, at least they won't feel like you are purposefully excluding them.

If you are planning on having a big wedding and you don't invite your family, I think you need to be prepared that that could sever things with them entirely or further drive a wedge between you. In making your decision, I would look at the end outcome of your decision and see if it's something you could live with.
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29-11-2016, 09:10 AM
RE: Getting married.
I agree with Jenny. I'd just elope and then present the marriage to the family as a fait accompli.

When they complain that they weren't invited to the wedding, you reply that there wasn't a wedding ceremony to invite them to, and didn't they WANT you to marry him?

The rest of your life is yours alone. They are the ones who alienated you by trying to impose their ignorance upon you, and forcing you to seek your desired life away from their sphere of influence, in order to escape the abusive environment; you owe nothing to any of them, now.

Just be kind and patient, and "harm ye none, do what thou wilt", as our Pagan friends might say.

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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29-11-2016, 09:18 AM
RE: Getting married.
I vote for eloping also. Makes for the most fun weddings anyway Smile

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29-11-2016, 09:29 AM
RE: Getting married.
I agree that eloping is a good possibility. Here's another alternative thought.

I obviously don't know you or the details of your situation beyond what you posted so please keep that in mind because this could be way off base.

However, I find that communication often works best. You say they don't know you and, if I'm reading between the lines correctly, you're an atheist or at least don't believe what they do and they don't know that. Your situation sounds difficult and complicated and it doesn't sound like your family will be very accepting of your telling them you disagree with their beliefs. However, I think it might be worth a try. The best case scenario would be they would totally surprise you and accept things at least far more than expected. Then you could invite them to your wedding and it wouldn't be a big problem. On the other hand, things might also go very badly, but that also might help you to feel better about not inviting them and at the same time help them to not be so surprised that you didn't invite them. I'm not sure how much you have to lose by trying - it sounds like things already aren't very good anyway. Also, there is your fiancee's family to consider. If you elope, both families are excluded.

If you do decide to try discussing things with your family, also consider making your wedding dilemma itself part of the conversation. Try telling them you would really prefer that they were there, but don't want a scene over belief differences or the ceremony itself and don't want this to become something that drives a further wedge between you.

Just some thoughts. As I said, I could be totally wrong and there may be very good reasons for not taking my advice. You will have to decide since you know your situation best.

@DonaldTrump, Patriotism is not honoring your flag no matter what your country/leader does. It's doing whatever it takes to make your country the best it can be as long as its not violent.
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29-11-2016, 09:57 AM
RE: Getting married.
(29-11-2016 06:03 AM)rosieisaposie Wrote:  I'm getting married in 14 months. I don't know if I want my side of the family to be there.

I don't have a real relationship with my side of the family, because I've created a situation in which they don't know very much about me--and they don't know that they don't know. I've lied my ass off for reasons of self-preservation for most of our relationship. I grew up in a fundamentalist household and they still very much so same and, well, I'm posting on this forum.

I'm starting to feel guilty at the thought of not inviting them. Yes, they don't know me and would probably freak out if they knew the truth about me, but I don't know how ethical it is of me to in one giant move not invite them without, perhaps, giving them a chance at a better relationship considering the pseudo-relationship that I've helped to create.

This might just be false hopes or kind of Stockholm-like reaction since there were a lot things that happened while I was growing up that some/most would consider abusive. They also don't have much respect for how I currently live (with my fiancé) and have in the past tried to force us to get married and played the whole "living in sin" bit. They don't really value what I'm trying to do with my life (I'm a medical student) and think poorly of me because I'm in line to make a decent living--which we never had while growing up and they still don't have. I'm the only child out of 5 to try and make something of myself and they are about as proud of me as they are of my 30 year old brother who works grill at McDonalds... That may sound hurtful or judgmental of me to say, but to me their reaction only illustrates their ignorance on how the world works and how much work it takes to be successful. And I'm not trying talk trash about McDonalds workers--I'm trying illustrate a point.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel like I can't start making any wedding plans until I figure this out and I don't know where to even start with it...

Let me see if this helps...

Weddings are a time to celebrate the couple. Full stop. It's not about the show, the party or gifts.

You get to invite (or not) the people you both care the most for, not simply to fill a room.

Here's where I place the bar, do want a room filled with people pretending to care, along for the party or to judge, or do you and your intended, wish to be surrounded in love?

Maybe eloping is a good idea,but it also cuts his family out of the coming together to celebrate both of you.


But as if to knock me down, reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces

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29-11-2016, 10:18 AM
RE: Getting married.
It's your wedding.

And just like Burger King -

You get to have it your way - it's between you two...

Anybody who doesn't like how you do it -- that's their problem....

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
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29-11-2016, 11:42 AM
RE: Getting married.
I thought of an alternative. You can find a gay couple that's getting married and do a double ceremony, one straight and one gay couple. Then invite ALL of your redneck family to the wedding. Tell them that IF they come then they HAVE GOT TO BE RESPECTFUL or else they will be thrown out by the big burly bears* who are acting as bouncers.

I doubt they'll show up. You get an amazing wedding Powered By The Gays™, and you can say you invited the family. Then you also get to be surrounded by all your friends who are worth a damn, in an environment of love, as Moms put it. Smile

* Big burly bears:
[Image: 653_go-ahead-call-them-faggots_396-627.jpg]

"Theology made no provision for evolution. The biblical authors had missed the most important revelation of all! Could it be that they were not really privy to the thoughts of God?" - E. O. Wilson
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29-11-2016, 02:45 PM
RE: Getting married.
Heh, sounds like my dad. He says he's proud (or did once...) of me, but you can tell he's upset I make more at 30 than he ever did in a year after 35 years working for the same company. It's not a "real job" though, because it's not back breaking minimum wage labor; which is pretty much the vibe I get about your family from the final paragraph there. Sure, you're in line to make a good living, but it isn't "real work".

As someone else whose family would freak to know they're posting on this forum, going to join the TTA chorus here and ask about eloping maybe? Or, like others have said, it is your wedding. My main concerns personally, if you invite them, would be two specific things. First, would it ruin it for you? And I suppose your fiancé as well. Second, if we get to the part where "does anyone here have any objections" are they going to make objections and cause a scene? What you said about them being abusive, as well as the 'living in sin' things are what prompts those questions.

Need to think of a witty signature.
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29-11-2016, 04:56 PM
RE: Getting married.
Congratulations!

Not inviting them but inviting others, such as your partner's family, will cause problems. They'll want to know why they weren't invited. That's pretty much burning your bridges anyway, so this is probably the worst solution.

Eloping is the simple solution. It's tidy in many respects but may get you resentment for not having a ceremony for them to be invited to. You may also need to consider how your partner's family and friends will feel.

Or you could invite them. I'm guessing there won't be a lot of god in your ceremony? He wasn't invited to ours. Hard to know how that would play out. They might surprise you though. Some people are reluctant to make a fuss at a wedding because they actually know better. Mind you, some people aren't.

Or you could go the route of outing yourself and inviting them anyway. That first bit will be lots of fun, but it sounds like you are already unhappy with your relationship with them. If they show up or if they don't, now you'll know how they feel.

If you go with either of the last two I'd take RocketSurgeon's advice and invite a Splatter or two. They're like Bouncers but they hit harder.

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Flesh and blood of a dead star, slain in the apocalypse of supernova, resurrected by four billion years of continuous autocatalytic reaction and crowned with the emergent property of sentience in the dream that the universe might one day understand itself.
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