Getting married.
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29-11-2016, 04:59 PM
RE: Getting married.
(29-11-2016 02:45 PM)Shai Hulud Wrote:  Second, if we get to the part where "does anyone here have any objections" are they going to make objections and cause a scene?

Leave that bit out. In most places it's an anarchism and many modern ceremony's don't include it for exactly this reason.

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29-11-2016, 05:01 PM
RE: Getting married.
(29-11-2016 09:18 AM)Dom Wrote:  I vote for eloping also. Makes for the most fun weddings anyway Smile

And MUCH CHEAPER!!!!

Yes, elope, it will save you a couple thousand dollars, even more if you have a fancy wedding.

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29-11-2016, 06:06 PM
RE: Getting married.
I'm not sure I agree with the "eloping" responses as a viable solution—the term itself harks back to the days long gone when it was literally a choice when social mores prohibited a wedding ceremony, for whatever reasons. In practical terms, it's now a meaningless gesture, and usually indicates a quick registry office wedding without all the trimmings.

You said that they "have in the past tried to force us to get married and played the whole living in sin bit " so I'm assuming that your family doesn't have any specific objections to your fiancé's lifestyle or persona. Why not just let them all know you're getting married next year, and take it from there? They've got more than 12 months to come to terms with it—and talk among themselves about it—and then it's really up to them what, if anything, they do about it. At this early stage, I wouldn't even be thinking about making up a final invitee list anyway—you can safely leave that until a couple of months prior to the big day.

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29-11-2016, 07:53 PM
RE: Getting married.
(29-11-2016 06:06 PM)SYZ Wrote:  I'm not sure I agree with the "eloping" responses as a viable solution—the term itself harks back to the days long gone when it was literally a choice when social mores prohibited a wedding ceremony, for whatever reasons. In practical terms, it's now a meaningless gesture, and usually indicates a quick registry office wedding without all the trimmings.

You said that they "have in the past tried to force us to get married and played the whole living in sin bit " so I'm assuming that your family doesn't have any specific objections to your fiancé's lifestyle or persona. Why not just let them all know you're getting married next year, and take it from there? They've got more than 12 months to come to terms with it—and talk among themselves about it—and then it's really up to them what, if anything, they do about it. At this early stage, I wouldn't even be thinking about making up a final invitee list anyway—you can safely leave that until a couple of months prior to the big day.

Not a bad point. Telling them about the wedding plans but NOT sending any invites to anyone would give you a chance to feel out the "are you going to behave?" question, and if you are forced to uninvite someone, you can be quite clear that your reason is that their own statements led you to believe they would disrupt the "sanctity" (use that word) of the ceremony.

In the end, though, the thing to remember is that it's your day, yours and your fiance's, and NO ONE ELSE'S. Anything beyond that is your gift to them.

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01-12-2016, 12:52 AM
RE: Getting married.
Screw them. It's YOUR day and that means you call the shots. If it comes up simply explain that they have made an environment that is toxic and you don't want that toxicity on one of the best days of your life. There may be no way to win here but if their presence will be worse than their absence, then they should just get a nice picure after its over.

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05-12-2016, 02:51 AM
RE: Getting married.
Thank you for the replies.

I love my fiancé's family--they've kind of adopted me over the last 10 years, and I don't think they deserve to miss seeing their only son's wedding. I'm currently planning on a very intimate (<30 people) affair with his family and a select few who matter to us. Plans may change over time, though.


I've been think lately that it might be wise to just lay the cards out on the table with my family--that I'm an atheist, and while I know they've never truly had horrible intentions that our relationship isn't what they believe it to be. It almost feels like the "adult" thing to do (???). My parents are like children--they ask questions most people know NOT to ask in polite company and react based on emotion rather than any type of objectivity. I'm always viewed as 'their child' and while I understand that perspective because I AM their kid, I've already stated they don't respect me or my choices. This pretending I've been doing regarding our relationship is starting to feel more and more like I am still their child and I'm trying to placate them--even if it is for my current benefit of avoid fights. Part of the reason I haven't told them is that I need ready access to their tax information for my student loans, but this coming tax year is the last year I need it for--so that reason is disappearing quickly.

My fiancé and I have been together for years and getting married isn't a big life-changer for us. We have the lifestyle of a married couple and have had it so for years as well. We view our marriage as more of a symbolic gesture of "we finally consider ourselves to be independent from our families and choose to spend our lives with each other"--like a celebration of our completion of school and finally being our own official family, moving on to the next stage in our life afterwards. I didn't want to get married until I felt like I was fully an adult and had put aside portions of my past life that I wanted to change--to be the version of me that I want to be and I'm starting to feel like some part of that version of me might include telling my side of the family the truth. As sort of an internal gesture for me that "this is me and I will continue to be me". Maybe I'm making this whole idea too significant...(??). But is that really such a bad idea? Could that perhaps even be therapeutic in it's own way?

Telling them could (1) make it easier to break it off with them and I would have at least attempted to change our current status or (2, which I'm nervous for and not sure if I want this to happen or not) better our relationship and I'd invite them to it.

I'm torn, but I see the symbolic appeal with finally laying down my burden of always hiding who I am--and while it's not for truly childish reasons (it's more for selfish reasons or for self-preservation), it may be time to "put away" childish notions about us and really step up to the plate... To perhaps be the adult in the situation and handle the situation for what it is--despite the fact that I know they will react extremely poorly to it.

What do you think? Is this a good idea?? Any other suggestions??
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05-12-2016, 08:59 AM
RE: Getting married.
(29-11-2016 06:06 PM)SYZ Wrote:  I'm not sure I agree with the "eloping" responses as a viable solution—the term itself harks back to the days long gone when it was literally a choice when social mores prohibited a wedding ceremony, for whatever reasons. In practical terms, it's now a meaningless gesture, and usually indicates a quick registry office wedding without all the trimmings.

You said that they "have in the past tried to force us to get married and played the whole living in sin bit " so I'm assuming that your family doesn't have any specific objections to your fiancé's lifestyle or persona. Why not just let them all know you're getting married next year, and take it from there? They've got more than 12 months to come to terms with it—and talk among themselves about it—and then it's really up to them what, if anything, they do about it. At this early stage, I wouldn't even be thinking about making up a final invitee list anyway—you can safely leave that until a couple of months prior to the big day.

You can also "elope" to a destination wedding somewhere--if you didn't want the quick registry wedding. As for eloping being archaic, so is the institution of marriage itself. I think your wedding is what you make it no matter where it is or how it takes place.
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05-12-2016, 11:01 AM
RE: Getting married.
(05-12-2016 02:51 AM)rosieisaposie Wrote:  Thank you for the replies.

I love my fiancé's family--they've kind of adopted me over the last 10 years, and I don't think they deserve to miss seeing their only son's wedding. I'm currently planning on a very intimate (<30 people) affair with his family and a select few who matter to us. Plans may change over time, though.


I've been think lately that it might be wise to just lay the cards out on the table with my family--that I'm an atheist, and while I know they've never truly had horrible intentions that our relationship isn't what they believe it to be. It almost feels like the "adult" thing to do (???). My parents are like children--they ask questions most people know NOT to ask in polite company and react based on emotion rather than any type of objectivity. I'm always viewed as 'their child' and while I understand that perspective because I AM their kid, I've already stated they don't respect me or my choices. This pretending I've been doing regarding our relationship is starting to feel more and more like I am still their child and I'm trying to placate them--even if it is for my current benefit of avoid fights. Part of the reason I haven't told them is that I need ready access to their tax information for my student loans, but this coming tax year is the last year I need it for--so that reason is disappearing quickly.

My fiancé and I have been together for years and getting married isn't a big life-changer for us. We have the lifestyle of a married couple and have had it so for years as well. We view our marriage as more of a symbolic gesture of "we finally consider ourselves to be independent from our families and choose to spend our lives with each other"--like a celebration of our completion of school and finally being our own official family, moving on to the next stage in our life afterwards. I didn't want to get married until I felt like I was fully an adult and had put aside portions of my past life that I wanted to change--to be the version of me that I want to be and I'm starting to feel like some part of that version of me might include telling my side of the family the truth. As sort of an internal gesture for me that "this is me and I will continue to be me". Maybe I'm making this whole idea too significant...(??). But is that really such a bad idea? Could that perhaps even be therapeutic in it's own way?

Telling them could (1) make it easier to break it off with them and I would have at least attempted to change our current status or (2, which I'm nervous for and not sure if I want this to happen or not) better our relationship and I'd invite them to it.

I'm torn, but I see the symbolic appeal with finally laying down my burden of always hiding who I am--and while it's not for truly childish reasons (it's more for selfish reasons or for self-preservation), it may be time to "put away" childish notions about us and really step up to the plate... To perhaps be the adult in the situation and handle the situation for what it is--despite the fact that I know they will react extremely poorly to it.

What do you think? Is this a good idea?? Any other suggestions??

If they find out at your wedding, don't you think they will be disruptive since you pointed out their lack of tact?

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05-12-2016, 11:27 AM
RE: Getting married.
Oh, I meant possibly telling them before the wedding--and before I have to start sending out the 'save-the-dates' or invitations, so I know where we stand in our relationship.
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