Getting older without children
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21-03-2013, 10:09 AM
Getting older without children
Since it's very difficult for us to have kids (my wife has a problem with her ovaries), it's very possible that we won't have children.
We're in our middle 30's so time is also against us.
People and relatives who do have kids say that live would be sad and empty without kids, that kids are a strong reason to live, etc. etc.

but right now, since we're relatively young, that doesn't bother us much.

Tonight I had a dream were I saw us old and alone. It was like seeing my parents, old and alone, without anyone caring for them. It made me sad.
I know that maybe we won't have the opportunity to hold our baby, to see her grow up, to teach her to walk, etc. and while we have nephews
it's not the same.

Also when we are with friends, since most of them (if not all) have kids, there's a moment when the conversation is all about kids, pediatric advices, etc.
and sometimes it feels strange. We can't really participate anymore in those talks. It's weird.

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. If you are our same age or older and have no kids you're welcome to answer:

- How do you fill that space? After all, we all are supposed to be here to procreate.
- How do you see yourselves when older, when there's only you and your partner?
- Don't you feel that you missed something in your life? i.e. your life is incomplete...

I ask these question here in TTA because I know I won't have answers like "try to find god" and such nonsense.


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21-03-2013, 10:32 AM
RE: Getting older without children
(21-03-2013 10:09 AM)KVron Wrote:  Since it's very difficult for us to have kids (my wife has a problem with her ovaries), it's very possible that we won't have children.
We're in our middle 30's so time is also against us.
People and relatives who do have kids say that live would be sad and empty without kids, that kids are a strong reason to live, etc. etc.

but right now, since we're relatively young, that doesn't bother us much.

Tonight I had a dream were I saw us old and alone. It was like seeing my parents, old and alone, without anyone caring for them. It made me sad.
I know that maybe we won't have the opportunity to hold our baby, to see her grow up, to teach her to walk, etc. and while we have nephews
it's not the same.

Also when we are with friends, since most of them (if not all) have kids, there's a moment when the conversation is all about kids, pediatric advices, etc.
and sometimes it feels strange. We can't really participate anymore in those talks. It's weird.

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. If you are our same age or older and have no kids you're welcome to answer:

- How do you fill that space? After all, we all are supposed to be here to procreate.
- How do you see yourselves when older, when there's only you and your partner?
- Don't you feel that you missed something in your life? i.e. your life is incomplete...

I ask these question here in TTA because I know I won't have answers like "try to find god" and such nonsense.
I am older and my partner died a year ago. We had no kids.
I never missed kids and still don't. I have pets, though.
I just never heard the clock ticking, I was too busy with this and that to worry about having kids. Then, watching friends with babies - it didn't do anything for me. Babysitting and changing diapers etc. - nothing. I did that when I was very young too, enjoyed it better back then.
Procreation - you mean sex? Sex is great without kids, they get in the way, lol.
I absolutely do not feel I missed anything. I still don't miss anything (except my husband). Looking at friends - most of their kids are not around to help them anyway. They moved away and have families of their own, and what I hear most from my friends is: "XXX never calls and never visits. I spent much of my best years raising him, and now I don't even know if he's ok."
Back in the day when most people farmed, kids were essential for helping around the farm and to carry on when the parent's moved into "the little house" on the property. Kids were responsible for their parents in their old age.
Not so today, kids more often than not can't be bothered and put the parents into old folk's homes.
So, what's the point? Playing with them when they are cute? I can do that with my dog, he's cute too.
Rationally, it makes no sense to have kids these days, you give them your best years and a shitload of money and they leave and that is that.
Hormonally, some have the drive more so than others.
This opinion is highly unpopular, no one who spent 20 of their best years caring for and paying for kids would never say it was not a rewarding endeavor. Not until they are old and alone...old people tend to speak their mind more freely and THEN you hear that it wasn't really worth all the trouble.

I can't tell you how to feel about it, only how I feel about it and what I see in older friends. At your age, hormones still rule your thoughts and feelings. So you will feel about it according to your physical make up.
But if you want to know how you're going to feel about it when you are 60+ - I just told you.

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21-03-2013, 10:34 AM (This post was last modified: 21-03-2013 10:48 AM by Vera.)
RE: Getting older without children
Have you ever considered adoption?

As for your questions while I strongly object to the notion that we're here first and foremost to procreate, everyone sees it differently. I, personally, do not feel my life is empty or pointless and frankly, am not too keen on having kids.

I also do not think that having kids in order to fill a void in one's life is the best reason for having kids. You're creating a new human being, his (or her) own self, not an extension of your self, not someone whose function in life is to give your life meaning and certainly not someone to laden with all sorts of expectations and preconceived ideas of how they should be and what they should do.

I also do not get people whose whole lives revolve around and are centered upon their children and nothing else. Frankly, this puts incredible pressure on the children and is not fair on them.

Sorry, if this came off more cynical than I intend it to, I'm just sharing a couple of thoughts on the subject (in a rather haphazard manner at that). Good luck with figuring this out and once again, if I were you, I would definitely look into adoption. After all, being a parent isn't about making sure your irreplaceable genes survive (which is nothing more than an ego thing), but bringing up a good and happy human being and giving him or her a good start in life, while giving them the freedom to live that life the way they want.

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21-03-2013, 10:42 AM
RE: Getting older without children
I'm not your age (24) but I have no children. You've probably already thought of this but: adoption. My two little sisters are adopted, one when she was 2 months, the other when she was 2 years.

I can imagine it would be lonely without children, especially if you want some. Just know there are other options. Smile


(Apologies for the intrusion, without a directly related experience.) Blush

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21-03-2013, 11:14 AM
RE: Getting older without children
Good points made by Dom and Vera.
If you really want a child there a lot of kids that need someone to love and take care of them. If you want to be involved with kids but can't have one, coach a team, help with a rec center, do reading time at the library, volunteer at a school or children's hospital.
As to filling time...I hope you don't want a child just to not be bored. So, it's the two of you...you could travel or participate in hobbies that don't always fit in well with the time and money used to raise kids.
Having children isn't a must, don't do it if you just think you should.
But I will tell a little story. A dear friend from HS and I were talking one night a few years out of school. We both had two children at the time. She and her husband had been trying to get pregnant again for a while and they had finally decided it wasn't going to happen. She made plans to go back to school to become an EMT. She had all the logistics worked out...down to the tiniest detail. I joked and said that the next call would be her telling me she was pregnant now that she wasn't stressing about it. Sure enough a couple months later she called...they had another son, followed a couple years later by another daughter. Babies happened after they made other plans.

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24-03-2013, 10:00 AM
Re: Getting older without children
I know I'm not in your age group but I din't like kids from a very early age. I talked to adults and as I grew up kids became more foreign to me. I do have a nephew and I love him to death but would I have a kid? No. Even if my clock stated ticking, I wouldn't do it. I don't want to look at a newborn and think "can I have a return?"

If I do get that urge, and it stays persistent, adoption as everyone has said. I also don't get the ego thing. To me, no offense to parents, but I see no pride in automatically loving something. If you adopt, it's a huge chore but very rewarding if you can do it. Most of my friends were adopted and they are so thankful and very well adjusted. Were there rough patches for them? Well, of course.

It's about making a good person, who cares where their chromosomes came from.

In lieu of adoption, take on an older kid as a protege. Someone who's parents are neglectful or something. Say 13 or so and teach them things. About life, how to do things etc...
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24-03-2013, 10:46 AM
RE: Getting older without children
I'm not a childless responder so ignore me if you like...

First, I agree with Vera in that this whole notion of children providing pleasure for adults is misguided at best and destructive at it's worse. Kids are sovereign individuals who are supposed to be themselves, not clones of their parents. They can and fill a void but that's not their purpose in life. Our purpose as parents is to foster their well being and provide for them the things they need in order that we can deliver the child to his adult self as a healthy, curious and happy being. If that makes us happy or fills a void then that's just a bonus.

As for people telling you life is empty without kids.... that may be for them and if it is then I'm sorry for them. My wife and I had our son very young, so at forty, we were in an empty house and to be honest, there isn't a thing missing here. And I have no doubt that had we not had our son, there would still be nothing missing. In the end, it is only you and your wife who can decide whether your life will be empty without kids or not and frankly, if it is.... having a kid will only exacerbate that empty feeling. My wife and I would have preferred to have become rich in our twenties and be living in a million dollar home by now but the fact that we didn't does not leave any void in our relationship. We're happy with one another regardless of the path our life together takes.

That said, if your motivation in having kids is to help another human being become a happy and healthy adult, please consider adoption. If the motivation is to create a clone that makes you happy, then please don't.

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24-03-2013, 11:26 AM
RE: Getting older without children
I'm 27 with three kids. I never wanted children, but after my husband's faulty vasectomy, an IUD that didn't get the job done, and tubes that apparently came untied, this is how it ended up. As a person that never wanted kids, I do find that my life is much busier with them. If you want to be always busy and spend all of your money on pictures, field trips, dances, and sports....then kids are for you. While my life is much....fuller..? now, I was more financially stable and had time for myself before I had children. My kids are still young (8, 6, 4) and I suspect that once they are older I will have a little more time for myself. This is what I miss the most. My husband and I hardly ever do anything together and when we do it's after we stress over money and a babysitter. Yes, kids are fun and fill a void...but without kids I don't think I would have ever noticed that void.

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24-03-2013, 01:53 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(21-03-2013 10:09 AM)KVron Wrote:  Since it's very difficult for us to have kids (my wife has a problem with her ovaries), it's very possible that we won't have children.
We're in our middle 30's so time is also against us.
People and relatives who do have kids say that live would be sad and empty without kids, that kids are a strong reason to live, etc. etc.

but right now, since we're relatively young, that doesn't bother us much.

Tonight I had a dream were I saw us old and alone. It was like seeing my parents, old and alone, without anyone caring for them. It made me sad.
I know that maybe we won't have the opportunity to hold our baby, to see her grow up, to teach her to walk, etc. and while we have nephews
it's not the same.

Also when we are with friends, since most of them (if not all) have kids, there's a moment when the conversation is all about kids, pediatric advices, etc.
and sometimes it feels strange. We can't really participate anymore in those talks. It's weird.

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions. If you are our same age or older and have no kids you're welcome to answer:

- How do you fill that space? After all, we all are supposed to be here to procreate.
- How do you see yourselves when older, when there's only you and your partner?
- Don't you feel that you missed something in your life? i.e. your life is incomplete...

I ask these question here in TTA because I know I won't have answers like "try to find god" and such nonsense.
Every person has their own view on what is valued. You feel that the void in your heart is to have children. However, unless you have thousands of dollars saved up to either adopt, have a surrogate mother, or have some intense reproductive treatments, then you might be out. Have you thought about foster parents. You know, a lot of the times it is cheaper than actaully going about adopting, since many foster kids parent's end up getting their rights denied.
It is goiing to end up probably being one of those things that you will just have to accept in the end. I have three kids, ages 5, 2 and just brand new. There are many benifits to having kids, and many benifits to not having kids. My husband and I have no life. We do not get to go out whenever we want, eat whenever we want, and (yes) have sex whenever we want. It freaking sucks! But, I also would not trade it for anything. Some people get little dogs.
Do you aso think that is is society pressuring into doing the norm?

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24-03-2013, 03:17 PM
RE: Getting older without children
Dom hit the nail on the head.

We don't have children, by the time we felt we were ready we decided against it. Bi-partisan vote.
Our close friends stopped being close after they had kids, don't blame them, too busy, no time for themselves. Our impromptu dates stopped and it became nearly impossible to coordinate (babysitter, school, kids sick, kid's parties, kid's sports...etc)
We have become close to childless couples, no talk of kids and schedules much more flexible.

As our parents and family members die we see the end of life scenario play out with their children. Siblings fighting over who has to take care of the ailing parents (none want to) and how will any inheritance be divided. As Dom said much complaining about many things such as not being called or child not believing in gods or marrying the "wrong" person. What a pain in the ass.

We have told our nephews and nieces that we have written into our will that the last one to visit us gets it all. Not true but we don't tell them that. Big Grin

Luckily I have a great marriage. We both have discussed what to do when one dies. For me it'll be devastating but I don't think that had we had children it would help the situation any. Maybe I'm wrong about this, will never know but I'm OK with it.

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