Getting older without children
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11-04-2013, 03:19 PM
RE: Getting older without children
I'd rather get me behind Vera thanks Big Grin
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11-04-2013, 03:21 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(11-04-2013 03:11 PM)Chas Wrote:  False idol! Get thee behind me, Vera!Angry




I am the real deal, though Drinking Beverage

Well, in light of your nickname, morondog, that would be oddly appropriate... Blink

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderĂ²."
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17-05-2013, 12:22 AM
RE: Getting older without children
I got pregnant and married at the age of 16. I made so very many mistakes as a mother. However, I did try the best I could considering I had absolutely no role models to go by. My life was my children. I defined myself by how I cared for hearth and home. It was to my detriment. Most all my kids are grown, live far away, and don't need me. Who am I without my kids? I was lost. In some ways I still am. It's only been in the past 10 years that I've truly discovered who I am. Only in the past year have I discovered that I can be something without my kids. Do not define yourself by one single thing.
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17-05-2013, 06:20 AM (This post was last modified: 17-05-2013 06:34 AM by Bows and Arrows.)
RE: Getting older without children
I had my first child at age 35, my 2nd at 37. I'm now 45. I'm not certain, if I had the chance, I would do it all again. Don't get me wrong-I love my girls with all my heart and now find it difficult to imagine my life without them. But the job is a hell of a lot bigger and a bazillion times more expensive than I thought it would be. In the last 10 years our household doubled. So before dinner out with just my husband and I--now its 4 people--double the bill for pretty much everything in your life. Shoe shopping- now you are buying 4 pairs of sneakers instead of 2. And 2 of those will need replaced in a few months because 1-kids trash shoes and 2-their feet grow in the blink of an eye.

When people would ask us if we were ever going to have kids, the answer was always 'maybe. maybe we will-maybe we won't' Then my clock started ticking so we took the jump. While we both came from big families and knew what the job required- the burden of it was something we weren't prepared for, financially, emotionally, logistically. Things like where we live suddenly becomes important because of schools, etc. Kids really change everything. everything.

My sister is 10 years older than I am. While she has been in a committed relationship for 30 years, they never married, never had kids....always a dog. She never wanted children but she loves being an aunt. She gets to do all the fun stuff, buy gifts and make happy moments and doesn't have to deal with the tears or bills or worries. She has the "fun" part of kids in her life without the "hard" part. She is looking forward to her retirement, to have no responsibility except to herself and her S.O. These past few years we watched both our parents die. Mom was kind of sudden and my Dad was slowly declining from various problems. I think for her, it made her more determined to live now and chase her future dreams and follow what brings her happiness.

I really believe that there are some who have that internal desire for kids, that they feel their life can't be complete without them. I believe that people mistakenly think that child has to be of their DNA for it to feel like a family. Love is in your heart--not in the blood. I find it odd that we can love a dog-like a child- but *think* it difficult to love an adopted child as our own child.

I don't know about Mexico, but here in the 'burbs of the US...kids programs need volunteers. At every age group, at every school, at every daycare, at every scout organization, at every sport league.....everywhere the adults need help for these kids programs. Get involved-get your hands dirty--get an idea of what you are really getting into. Also, please contact your local child welfare office they ALWAYS need foster families to place children. Over the years my inlaws had over 100 foster children come thru their house-some would be over night in emergency situations until other family could be found--some would stay for a month--some 6-8 months. It really is a needed service and you would be helping a child that desperately needs help and getting parenting lessons as a bonus.


"Life is a daring adventure or it is nothing"--Helen Keller
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17-05-2013, 04:48 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(17-05-2013 06:20 AM)Bows and Arrows Wrote:  I really believe that there are some who have that internal desire for kids, that they feel their life can't be complete without them. I believe that people mistakenly think that child has to be of their DNA for it to feel like a family. Love is in your heart--not in the blood. I find it odd that we can love a dog-like a child- but *think* it difficult to love an adopted child as our own child.

I agree. (The OP has said it's problematic where he is, but I'm speaking generally). It saddens me that many people will say it wouldn't feel like their child if it wasn't biologically theirs. I think the people who love a child and raise the child, and spend countless hours with the child, are the parents, regardless of DNA. It's especially sad in light of all the kids out there who need homes, and so many couples are like, "nope, doesn't have my DNA, gotta make my own," as if that makes the children up for adoption or foster care defective. (One of my best friends in high school had foster parents.) I know people who are serial monogamists and have kids with every partner they have, as a way to seal the deal or something, and I don't understand that much either.

But yes, many people really want to be parents and probably should be. I just dislike it when they assume every adult should have children of their own. Some of us would rather be like your sister and spoil someone's else's kids. =P I don't have any nieces/nephews, just children of friends, but that's close enough for me. My best friend had her first son when she was 16, and I've known him ever since, so he's kind of like a nephew to me.
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18-05-2013, 01:28 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(04-04-2013 07:17 PM)Dom Wrote:  Well, Ameron, you are not alone, you have your brother with you, albeit it sounds like he is not getting proper meds. You may enjoy his company more if he did. Maybe go to a different doc?

I guess what it means to be alone is in the eye of the beholder. I love it. I never wanted children and I don't regret not having had them. Yes they are cute, but so is my dog.

Being alone means you can eat and sleep when and where you want, do what you want without disturbances, and follow your passions, whatever they may be.

It sounds to me like you are not interested in anything? Nothing fills your life with wonder or joy? You know, having kids because you think that will fix the fact that you don't enjoy life is not a very good idea.

And, animal studs are there to procreate. People have a choice. I think we most certainly have more than enough people procreating, many of them totally unsuitable to be parents.

Plus, yes, I don't think this world will be hospitable to humankind for much longer, and that is because of excessive procreation. (Breeding like rats and over running the world). I wouldn't want to be born now, and I would't want someone I love to be born now either.


Ya know, you're right! I used to have many interests. I loved art http://jn-63.deviantart.com/ I loved to read, music, movies. Then my youngest brother was murdered. Still unsolved. My favorite uncle died, drunk in a fire. Both parents are dead. I took care of Mom for the last three years of her life. Cooked, changed diapers. Did it all. It's not the lack of kids, or even the lack of a spouse. It's the fear of the future. Thanks for your response!
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18-05-2013, 01:34 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(04-04-2013 02:10 AM)Vera Wrote:  
(03-04-2013 04:37 PM)Ameron1963 Wrote:  "Nothing wrong with being alone"? Try it! Being alone can kill you! Being alone hurts deeply! Being alone can make you hate yourself, condemn yourself! Being alone is hateful and terrible! I know that you face the fact that there is no god. Don't feed lonely people platitudes. Don't tell us that your children mean nothing! Lonliness can kill you!

First off, you don't know anything about my life and how lonely or not I am.

Second of all, they are not platitudes. If you depend on others to give your life meaning and not hate yourself, you're pretty much doomed.

And yeah, children are not playthings to be toyed with and fill the voids in their parents' lives.

I was going to say more, but I'm out of this. I understand you're bitter, but this is not the way to go about it.

I posted this elsewhere, but it applies here as well:

"Ya know, you're right! I used to have many interests. I loved art http://jn-63.deviantart.com/ I loved to read, music, movies. Then my youngest brother was murdered. Still unsolved. My favorite uncle died, drunk in a fire. Both parents are dead. I took care of Mom for the last three years of her life. Cooked, changed diapers. Did it all. It's not the lack of kids, or even the lack of a spouse. It's the fear of the future."

My apologies Vera. Sometimes even thinkers get lost in themselves.
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18-05-2013, 01:47 PM
RE: Getting older without children
Sometimes I feel a bit bummed that my genes will most likely end with my death. But I'm more distressed about the low birth rate in the West, especially among the non-religious. I'd hate to see our culture fade away due to lack of reproduction and see it replaced by an overwhelming tide of religious offspring.

This dilemma kind of reminds me of the comedy Idiocracy, an underrated flick by Mike Judge (the maker of Office Space and Extract). After all, the culture that breeds, leads...
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18-05-2013, 02:39 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(18-05-2013 01:47 PM)Atheist_pilgrim Wrote:  Sometimes I feel a bit bummed that my genes will most likely end with my death. But I'm more distressed about the low birth rate in the West, especially among the non-religious. I'd hate to see our culture fade away due to lack of reproduction and see it replaced by an overwhelming tide of religious offspring.

This dilemma kind of reminds me of the comedy Idiocracy, an underrated flick by Mike Judge (the maker of Office Space and Extract). After all, the culture that breeds, leads...

I understand your concern about the low birth rate in the west. But, the huge populations are increasingly forced to eat food that is laced with all kinds of chemicals, from hormones to medications to nitrites and so on and so on. These are not tested over the long run, and there is no telling what they are causing now (cancer, autism etc etc) or will cause over the course of a couple of generations.

We are outgrowing the planet, the instinct to reproduce is way too strong, the planet will not support this indefinitely. Perhaps that is why societal evolution is starting to embrace gay couples and why many of us are not born with a "ticking clock" anymore.

And yes, it is kind of scary that societies with strict religious rules continue to procreate in large numbers. But I am not sure who should be more scared, us or them.

[Image: dobie.png]Science is the process we've designed to be responsible for generating our best guess as to what the fuck is going on. Girly Man
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20-05-2013, 08:29 PM
RE: Getting older without children
My husband and I have been married nearing 10 years. We tried to have kids about a year into our marriage but it hasn't worked out. We've not done anything to prevent and we still don't have kids. Now that we've passed 30, we are getting very certain we do not want kids. We are used to our lifestyle now.

This decision came from venturing into foster care. We realized how life was really darn easy before kids. Now, we LOVE our foster kid. We want the best for her and would rather be awesome aunt/uncle vs. mom/dad. I'd rather not be the person who is there to make sure the homework is done, clothes are put away, manners are used, not bullying kids...

I found myself looking at sterilization options for myself/spouse. He's not so sure about the snip-snip of it all! I also found out that my insurance will cover sterilization but not any sort of long term birth control options. Grr.

The day to day life with kids is hard. I'd go so far to say that sometimes it SUCKS. Does it have rewards? Yes. There are some really awesome times. Seriously though, watch the Tom Papa comedian about what it's like to live with kids and there's humor in the truth.

Kids are not there to there to love you back and there is NO guarantee that they will be there for you in your old age. Just visit the countless elderly folks in nursing homes and their kids/grandkids never visit.
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