Getting older without children
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28-05-2013, 02:59 PM
RE: Getting older without children
DNA doesn't make you a good parent, love does.

What are your expectations about having children? Some people want to have children so they have someone to love them unconditionally. With kids, that can backfire... especially when they become teenagers. Do you want to have someone to take care of you when you're elderly? Sorry, that doesn't usually work out either. Do you have a skill that you want to teach to the next generation? There's no guarantee that your child will want to learn your skill or take up your family business. Do you have a legacy that you want to leave to someone? It may not be appreciated by your children - they may turn around and sell your valued possessions after you're gone.

What I'm trying to say is that there are no guarantees. You can't go into parenthood with expectations - you set the child up to have a certain "job" of fulfilling your wishes for him or her - that's not really fair to them, especially if you will be disappointed if they don't fulfil your hopes for them.

Maybe you could volunteer to help children in some way. Are there local organizations that are looking for foster parents? For tutoring children? For playing sports or teaching skills that you want to share? What about a group like Big Brothers / Big Sisters where you have the opportunity to be paired with a child who needs a positive role model in their life? Why not get involved in some of these endeavours first - you can make a difference in the life of a child - or many children - without having to raise them as your own.

. . . all the gods were stories we told the children to make them behave. ~ Thoros of Myr (Game of Thrones, Episode 3:06)
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30-12-2013, 11:20 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(03-04-2013 02:13 PM)Ameron1963 Wrote:  This literally brings tears to my eyes! It's something I think about every day. I am 50 years old and have no kids. I also have virtually no family. Mom and Dad are dead. One of my brothers murdered, the other mentally disabled. My favorite uncle died, drunk, in a fire. My disabled brother lives with me, and I can't saddle that on any woman. So no girlfriend. I feel as alone as a person can get! I worry that I will die young because I have nothing to live for. I find it difficult to become motivated to do anything. Even simple things. And god is not there for me. So, I wish I had a positive message for you, but I don't! I am hoping for the same answers. So, I guess I am leeching onto your post, hoping that someone can help both of us!.

Ameron- I agree with a lot of what Vera has said. I think there is someone out there for us all. If you look for her you will find her or him. You and I have a lot in common. I too have lost both my parents and my oldest sister. My only family is my niece whom I absolutely adore. She is the light of my life, just like my own daughter. She is the best thing my sister could have left me. No amount of money or inheritance could take the place of her in my life. If I lost her I think I would die on the spot. That being said, I have always wanted children and I always assumed I would have children. I used to think its just not meant to be because I needed to take care of my niece. Being a 48 year old woman who still has hormones and that maternal instinct I still feel like I should be a mother. Everyone tells me I am her mother but I am not and I would never try to take the place of her mom even though I secretly enjoy being called her mom. I have been in her life since the day she was born. She has lived with me.

I have often felt like I am less of a person for not being a mom, not having been pregnant, not feeling that connection down in my soul. I have to tell myself that I have with my niece. I can sit here and say it doesnt really matter if the child is biologically mine or not yet its a feeling or emotion or instinct or its psycological because I look at yoing pregnant women and think what happened to me why didnt I ever have my children? I feel selfish for thinking that, but then again I cannot change how I feel just like you cannot love someone just because they love you.

I love my boyfriend of 12 years. We have an odd relationship as we do not live together or even live in the same city. I always said it will happen if its meant to be and I never wanted to force it to be. All those sayings come back at me time and again. Be careful what you wish for. I didnt want to play with fire and do IVF. I didnt want to make something happen that wasnt natural. Do I regret it? Yes I do. Would I take a child no matter what, like a child with Downs because I am older? No I wouldnt. I strugle every day. I make myself miserable every day because I have a hard time focusing on what I do have, because I am busy looking back at what I missed. That makes me angry at myself.

I have thought about adoption because I know I have a huge heart and I can give love to a child who deserves it and needs it. I dont want to die alone. Noone really does. I have never liked being alone. Some people do and have no problem with it. I have never wanted to live to be 80 or 90 and I doubtI will. I dont like the idea of prolonging death with drugs and life support. I have seen too much of that in caretaking and I dont think its worth living through. My view on it now is why I dont think its worth it. I watched my sister die for 7 years and made up my mind I will not let that happen to me. If I adopt a baby I will take the best care of myself to give that baby the best life but when I am done I am done. thats all any of us can do. Young mothers die all the time. It doesnt matter how old you are when you have a child it matters how much you can give them when you are here and in their life loving them and protecting them the best you can.

You cannot protect anyone from death. You can however find love in a woman or a child and find a happy life Your brother is a huge commitment but so is any relationship.

I used to think I dont wantany baggage. I dont want someone elses children or an ex wife to deal with. Be careful what you wish for. Men are lucky in that they continue to produce sperm. Women are at a defict at age 30. Vera was right. Go find yourself someone who can love and care for your brother with you. She is out there. I truely think it does not matter whos child you have in your life. Look at all the grandparents out there who love their grand kids... well guess what they arent their kids.... they are someone elses. I hope this helped
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31-12-2013, 05:12 PM (This post was last modified: 31-12-2013 05:16 PM by Vera.)
RE: Getting older without children
(30-12-2013 11:20 PM)Juliana Wrote:  I have often felt like I am less of a person for not being a mom, not having been pregnant, not feeling that connection down in my soul.

Well, words like this just break my heart. Every time. And are the reason why the idea that a woman can be said to have truly lived/been a real woman only if she has procreated, strikes such a raw nerve with me.

I can understand feeling sad over never having had a child (or over any other missed opportunity, for that matter), but no one, no one, should ever feel less of a person for not having had kids (or for being alone/not loved, for that matter). They may feel as if their lives are not complete, but not they, themselves. We are all complete in and of ourselves. Others - children, loved ones, whatever relationship we may need or want - may (and do) make our lives immensely better, but only our lives, not us.

Quote:I always said it will happen if its meant to be and I never wanted to force it to be. All those sayings come back at me time and again. I do have, because I am busy looking back at what I missed. That makes me angry at myself.

Amen. One of the many unnecessary things I lost after I got rid of the shackles of religion, was the delusion that something, anything, is meant to be. Nothing is meant to be. Everything happens because of us or of circumstances. And way too often when it doesn't, we *are* to blame, because we thought that it would happen through some sort of miracle. Well, guess what, there are no miracles.

So yeah, my (general and unwanted) advice, to no one in particular - don't delude yourselves that things will happen because they are meant to. If you want something, make an effort. Unless you're prepared to live without it. Just don't expect destiny to serve it to you on a silver platter.

(Then again, I might take it to a bit of an extreme and am always blaming myself for all failures and wondering what more I could have done. Not entirely healthy either Rolleyes )

And one last thing, Juliana, most important of all - Hug

"E se non passa la tristezza con altri occhi la guarderò."
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06-01-2014, 06:31 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(25-03-2013 10:55 PM)KVron Wrote:  Thank you all for your answers, very interesting points of view.


About adoption, here in Mexico most (if not all) organizations are stupidly exigent. They even require you to be
a practicing catholic so we've eliminated that option.

We have a dog (a labrador retriever) and we're happy with him. He certainly is our "kid", a kid that never grows up
so we can always have a dog's companion and alleviate our hormonal parental surge.

Sometimes I also think that it makes no sense to have a kid these days but not for the same reason as Dom's. I see this world
so fucked up that I wouldn't like my son to live in it. There's too much selfishness, too much violence, too much stupidity... and
it seems it gets worse every day. So when I feel sad for no having kids, those thoughts make feel calm and feel rational again.

When we were younger we decided not to have kids at that moment (we were about 25). Some years later, my wife felt the clock
ticking and tried to get pregnant but I was not convinced/ready... time passed... and some years later we knew of her problem.
I cannot deny I feel somewhat guilty for not having tried harder when she wanted.

Kvron - I completely understand what you are saying. I too feel that less and less intelligent people are having children and more and more poor and ignorant people are having children and then we get all these do nothing teens who accomplish nothing because they had no upbringing. People like the Duggars who are baby factories and then take all the hand outs they can grab from well wishers who think its awesome or just think wow what a challenge. Noone should ever have more children than they can handle and expect or encourage others to help them take care of them.

Of course we all need help, Im not saying that. Im saying if you need people to donate cars, and dipaers and you need a reality show to pay your bills you never needed those 6 or 8 or 22 children.

We are not here to just make babies. Im not really sure why we are here. If we are here just to make babies but we get old and sick and die whats the point?

I love penguins but that March of the Penguins was so sad and depressing. Honestly I would rather see the species die out than watch it live through grueling torture just to hopefully survive to make babies who will in turn repeat the pattern.

Children can bring a lot of happiness to people, but for me it will most likely have to be someone elses child who will do that. I want my niece to have babies but with that want I have to risk something greater which would mean she will eventually leave me all alone. Maybe then I will adopt a child not a baby but someone who needs a fighting chance. I dont like the idea of having a child just so you dont end up old and alone. Who says that child will ever be there.

I know a woman who has a patient who adopted and now her children want nothing to do with her. This same woman I know is married and has 2 step sons...sort of. They disowned their dad because their mom says horrible things about him and his new wife. I have a friend who is raising her niece and nephew because her sister neglected them. Why on earth would you have children and not know what you are getting into? Selfish. If you dont want to be selfish then help someone less fortunate. If you want to be selfish, have multiple children then whine about how much it costs to take care of them all. Octomom disgusts me. So does her doctor. That is complete and total selfishness. She already had children and then to go through fertility.............it should not be allowed.

I also know a woman who was older who had 3 boys. They all had autism to some degree but she wanted a girl so she got pregnant again and had her girl. If the first baby has a problem that could happen to the next baby why would anyone risk that? Why would you create something that has to struggle only to feed your own selfish desire?

I have to say I respect people far more who adopt than I do someone who is fertile. Any stupid moron out there can have a baby but just try to go adopt a dog at PetSmart and youre in for a serious screening.
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10-04-2014, 06:26 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(03-04-2013 02:13 PM)Ameron1963 Wrote:  This literally brings tears to my eyes! It's something I think about every day. I am 50 years old and have no kids. I also have virtually no family. Mom and Dad are dead. One of my brothers murdered, the other mentally disabled. My favorite uncle died, drunk, in a fire. My disabled brother lives with me, and I can't saddle that on any woman. So no girlfriend. I feel as alone as a person can get! I worry that I will die young because I have nothing to live for. I find it difficult to become motivated to do anything. Even simple things. And god is not there for me. So, I wish I had a positive message for you, but I don't! I am hoping for the same answers. So, I guess I am leeching onto your post, hoping that someone can help both of us!.


I am very sorry for your troubles and you sound depressed. Maybe you're avoiding getting out there and living and using your brother's disability as an excuse because you're so sad.

A disabled brother wouldn't stop me from liking a nice guy.

Do you get a break? Does your bro go to a regular social group for example, so you can get time out?

You need to take charge of your life. You will be better off if you do. Don't waste time.Smile
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10-04-2014, 06:28 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(17-05-2013 12:22 AM)LadyValkyrie37 Wrote:  I got pregnant and married at the age of 16. I made so very many mistakes as a mother. However, I did try the best I could considering I had absolutely no role models to go by. My life was my children. I defined myself by how I cared for hearth and home. It was to my detriment. Most all my kids are grown, live far away, and don't need me. Who am I without my kids? I was lost. In some ways I still am. It's only been in the past 10 years that I've truly discovered who I am. Only in the past year have I discovered that I can be something without my kids. Do not define yourself by one single thing.

What an exciting discovery - having your own life and goals. I think some people have kids to avoid having to face up to getting a life (not saying you!)

Congrats on your awesome journey!
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10-04-2014, 06:33 PM
RE: Getting older without children
(18-05-2013 01:28 PM)Ameron1963 Wrote:  
(04-04-2013 07:17 PM)Dom Wrote:  Well, Ameron, you are not alone, you have your brother with you, albeit it sounds like he is not getting proper meds. You may enjoy his company more if he did. Maybe go to a different doc?

I guess what it means to be alone is in the eye of the beholder. I love it. I never wanted children and I don't regret not having had them. Yes they are cute, but so is my dog.

Being alone means you can eat and sleep when and where you want, do what you want without disturbances, and follow your passions, whatever they may be.

It sounds to me like you are not interested in anything? Nothing fills your life with wonder or joy? You know, having kids because you think that will fix the fact that you don't enjoy life is not a very good idea.

And, animal studs are there to procreate. People have a choice. I think we most certainly have more than enough people procreating, many of them totally unsuitable to be parents.

Plus, yes, I don't think this world will be hospitable to humankind for much longer, and that is because of excessive procreation. (Breeding like rats and over running the world). I wouldn't want to be born now, and I would't want someone I love to be born now either.


Ya know, you're right! I used to have many interests. I loved art http://jn-63.deviantart.com/ I loved to read, music, movies. Then my youngest brother was murdered. Still unsolved. My favorite uncle died, drunk in a fire. Both parents are dead. I took care of Mom for the last three years of her life. Cooked, changed diapers. Did it all. It's not the lack of kids, or even the lack of a spouse. It's the fear of the future. Thanks for your response!

This is an old post now, maybe things are different for you? If not, why not try therapy to get over your horrible past, if you haven't already? Best lesson I learned was "know what you know." Someone else's lesson: "you have limitations". It can help you get through. Life is to be enjoyed not endured and we learn most from the struggles.
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