God's Checklist 2.0
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19-03-2014, 11:31 PM
God's Checklist 2.0
This is another old, but hilarious, video from Theoretical Bullshit.






And here's a transcript of the video for your convenience, courtesy of bdwilson1000 over on the atheism subreddit.



1 - Decide to arrange for something other than yourself to exist.

2 - Create a being by the name of Lucifer with full knowledge that this being will betray you and ultimately cause an infinite amount of suffering unnecessarily.

3 - Allow an unfathomably horrific dimension of existence known as ‘hell’ to emerge created by yourself or perhaps Lucifer and allow that dimension to continue existing. Do not override or prevent such a thing. It will come into play later.

4 - Create objective unchanging moral prescriptions and base them upon whatever your nature happens to be and then label any action or thought contrary to these standards ‘sin’.

5 - Be sure to include in these moral prescriptions edicts for social and psychological health such as encouragement to beat ones children with a rod, permission to buy and sell slaves and will them as property to ones children for life, requirement that women not be allowed to teach or have authority over men and of course the instruction to kill anyone who expresses interest in worshiping other gods.

6 - Design a physical universe, planets, animals and vegetation all with the appearance of age. Be sure to include in your creation biological flaws redundancies and over-complications that appear as if they were the product of blind cumulative processes, perhaps a urinary tract that runs straight through the prostate gland or a unnecessary appendix prone to inflation and rupturing, or maybe a respiratory and digestive system forced to share the same plumbing, (these are just a few working ideas).

7 - Create a garden with a tree in it bearing fruit that when eaten provides knowledge of your objective moral standards, and create two sentient cognitive beings without knowledge or awareness of these standards and instruct them not to eat from the tree which would enlighten them (in other words, arrange it so that only AFTER they eat from the tree are they capable of understanding that doing so was a violation of objective moral standards).

8 - Warn these cognitive beings that they will undoubtedly die if they eat from this tree, but don’t follow through if they do. Endow a reptile with vocal chords, lips or some other means of speaking audibly to your cognitive beings enabling it to make a convincing case to one of them for eating from the tree. Do not prevent this or intervene.

9 - Now by this point make sure your cognitive beings have been equipped for reproducing themselves and multiplying, and because one of them has sinned, arrange that every single one of their descendants until the end of time will be born with an inherent sinful nature, defaulting in a future of everlasting torment. Do not by any means allow each of them to be born with a clean slate and the capacity for living a sin-free life if they desire as you did with your first two prototypes.

10 - Endow these cognitive beings with a ‘soul’ which keeps their thoughts and feelings and other cognitive faculties in existence forever one way or another. And then allow the sinfulness of these beings to be incompatible with your presence and let hell be the only other place that they can go once they exit the the physical world, do not make any attempt to spare these souls the eternal torment of hell such as allowing souls to stop existing altogether or creating an additional realm for them to reside besides with you or in hell.

11 - Over time allow these beings to populate the earth you’ve creating, knowing with infallible certainty of course that after so many generations they will disappoint you enough that you find it necessary to kill all of them in a global flood and start all over from scratch.

12 - Now when this happens (again right on schedule) make an exception for one small family of cognitive beings who you deem righteous. Of course it goes without saying that your powers of omniscience allow you to know, again, with infallible certainty that this family too will ultimately disappoint you in the same way that those who you drowned, rendering the entire endeavor futile, but for now it’s best that you pretend not to know that.

13 - Instruct this small disappointment of a family to populate the entire world all over again by way of incest.

14 - Declare that until further notice the only way for these cognitive beings to rectify their sinful nature while on earth is to preform ritual animal sacrifices and other acts of senseless violence. Additionally when certain sins are committed by any one of your cognitive beings, demand that the surrounding community kill that being themselves.

15 - In the meantime perform many epic miracles for all to see and intervene often with your physical creations, stop the sun in the sky, part the red sea, turn rivers into blood, and women into pillars of salt, give men superhuman strength, speak to the thousands with a booming voice from heaven etc, but before these cognitive beings become advanced enough in the areas of science and communication that they could actually document, share, playback and verify these epic miracles, make sure you stop performing them all together.

16 - Decide at some point that the most pressing of your objective moral prescriptions are not as obvious to these cognitive beings as you once thought, take this opportunity to chisel your top ten moral concerns into two tablets of stone and commission one of your cognitive beings to deliver these tablets to the masses. (Note to self: Roughly half of these moral concerns should center around pleasing you, praising you and remaining loyal to you.)

17 - After several thousand years impregnate one of these cognitive beings so that she gives birth to your son in physical form, who also happens to be you, at the same time.

18 - Allow this cognitive being who is your son but also you to grow up and make several revisions to you/your son's original standards of morality then arrange for other cognitive beings to torture and kill you/your son, authorize this sacrifice of yourself as a means of granting all other cognitive beings immunity from the consequences of their sinful nature, which you allowed them to be born with in the first place.

19 - Do not however make this sacrifice free, establish that none of these cognitive beings shall be eligible for benefits of this sacrifice unless they actively believe that it happened. In other words, despite the quality of their intentions any cognitive beings henceforth who finds themselves unconvinced these events actually took place, is unwittingly designating themselves for the endless suffering of hell.

20 - With that established, be sure to refrain from making it clear and knowable to the rest of the world that these events actually took place, ensure that no cognitive being after the first century has the luxury of witnessing your son who is also you say or do anything to indicate he was a living god. Again, make sure that all of this occurs before advancements in science and technology are available to verify for those who aren't present.

21 - Arrange so that the only surviving record of these events will be offered anonymously by non-eye witness’s translated to a language different from the one you/ your son will speak written no earlier than thirty years after you/your son preformed these miracles and makes these clams, however do make sure that these records feature the precept that believing in something without evidence is morally superior to investigation and verification.

22 - Be sure that after only a few decades the only accounts of these events in existence are copies of copies of copies which will be verifiably altered and added to in historically and theologically significant ways from generation to generation, sect to sect. Do not preserve the original copies of these accounts, do not protect them from revision, do not set in place any mechanism for protecting them from being interpreted in hundreds upon hundreds of ways most of which being heretical and therefore punishable.

23 - Do not bother to employ your omniscience in such a way as to discern which of these cognitive beings are truly rebelling, and which simply don’t know how to distinguish you from other versions of god which do not in fact exist.

24 - Do not make it clear to these beings that you are are even here. Allow for your very existence to remain an easily debatable, easily questionable, easily doubtable proposition. Allow billions and billions of souls to be unthinkably tortured for all of eternity regardless of their character, integrity, bravery, responsibility or conduct because they had not correctly assumed that the right set of propositions were true by the time their lives on earth were over.

25 - And finally… when all is said and done, demand that you be praised for this plan.

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20-03-2014, 12:03 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
What's interesting about this list to me, is that it's not a distortion. It is a bald statement of what many Christians do actually believe as fact.

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(06-02-2014 03:47 PM)Momsurroundedbyboys Wrote:  And I'm giving myself a conclusion again from all the facepalming.
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20-03-2014, 04:46 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
I subscribe to this guy's channel and have watched quite a few of his videos, he's one of my favourites although he does tend to disappear for long periods of time. And I can't help but notice...he is extremely hot! Yes

"The person who is certain, and who claims divine warrant for his certainty, belongs now to the infancy of our species." - Christopher Hitchens

"Remember kids, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing. Have a great day!" - Ricky Gervais
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20-03-2014, 06:40 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
(20-03-2014 12:03 AM)morondog Wrote:  What's interesting about this list to me, is that it's not a distortion. It is a bald statement of what many Christians do actually believe as fact.

Yeah, as an ex-Christian, it's weird looking back on the stuff that I believed and attempted to justify. I remember at one point feeling lucky for being born in an area of the world that mostly worships the "correct" god.

I'd also convinced myself that God would somehow, undeniably appear to everyone in the world who wasn't raised Christian, so that they have one chance of converting to the correct religion. Of course, even if this were true, it's demonstrably not as effective as raising a child in a particular faith, seeing as how some areas consistently stay mostly Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, or atheist. Oops.

(Sometimes, I want to go back in time 10+ years and yell at myself. Past Me would surely respect Future Me, right?)


(20-03-2014 04:46 AM)Eva Wrote:  And I can't help but notice...he is extremely hot! Yes

I'm going to have to agree with you on that one, and I nominally consider myself straight.
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20-03-2014, 06:54 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
(20-03-2014 04:46 AM)Eva Wrote:  I subscribe to this guy's channel and have watched quite a few of his videos, he's one of my favourites although he does tend to disappear for long periods of time. And I can't help but notice...he is extremely hot! Yes

He usually disappears during filming. He's a Soap Opera actor named Scott Clifton. Shocking

That would account for his being so damn good looking. Also, his intelligence is amazing and probably the most attractive thing about him.

Robby, I agree. I'm straight too, but there's no denying that guy is hot. Good looks, genius, and rich...

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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20-03-2014, 07:04 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
Jeesh..... with you guys its just sex,sex, sex. Dodgy

Good video, and I guess I see where the guy might be attractive to some. Undecided

If bullshit were music some people would be a brass band.
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20-03-2014, 07:06 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
OMG is like watching porn :O

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20-03-2014, 07:10 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
(20-03-2014 07:04 AM)War Horse Wrote:  Jeesh..... with you guys its just sex,sex, sex. Dodgy

Good video, and I guess I see where the guy might be attractive to some. Undecided

Oh, like your old perverted ass is any better? No No No

Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up.

"Let me give you some advice, bastard: never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister
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20-03-2014, 07:12 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
(20-03-2014 07:06 AM)nach_in Wrote:  OMG is like watching porn :O

^^^ Definitely this! Drooling

"The person who is certain, and who claims divine warrant for his certainty, belongs now to the infancy of our species." - Christopher Hitchens

"Remember kids, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing. Have a great day!" - Ricky Gervais
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20-03-2014, 07:14 AM
RE: God's Checklist 2.0
(20-03-2014 07:04 AM)War Horse Wrote:  Jeesh..... with you guys its just sex,sex, sex. Dodgy

And? What'd ya expect from a bunch of satin-worshiping homogays?

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