Going to far... Denying communication
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12-06-2012, 08:38 PM (This post was last modified: 12-06-2012 10:33 PM by Atothetheist.)
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
(12-06-2012 08:22 PM)Ghost Wrote:  Hey, Steven.

Please forgive what is inevitably going to sound like the ramblings of a retarded man, but I don't quite follow.

Which mother put her foot down? Your adoptive mother said you can't speak to your birth mother, or your birth mother said she doesn't want to talk to you? And whichever of the two it is, what exactly is the reason? Is it your birth mother punishing you for being an Atheist? If so, is she afraid of exposing you to her or something?

I know you're wound up, but I gotta figure that the people who raised you for 15 years don't hate you. You guys might be fighting, but that doesn't necessarily mean the sky is falling. That's my gut talking, but you're in it. If they've gone off the deep end, well, that that's just shitty. My hope is that I'm right about that one Cool

And, homey... you're 15. I know it might seem like a lot to bear/deal with, but you're young and durable. That's a compliment. I'm old and fragile lol. You can make it through this no matter the outcome. Trust me. Better yet, trust yourself.

I post the following video not to diminish the gravity of what you're going through. I get it, brother (well I didn't actually get it cuz I'm retarded, but I get "it", like, that it's rough... Jeebus Christ I'm tired). I post this for two reasons. 1 - to put things into perspective, a la, you'll look back on this in 20 years and think, in hindsight, that it ain't no thing but a chicken wing, and 2 - because it's fucking funny and you sound like you could use a laugh.





So yeah, take the good advice from all those non-retarded people that totally understood your situation and, if you have the wherewithal, try to explain it to us functionally retarded folks lol.

Just remember, whatever you're going through, however rough it gets, keep reaching out. It'll help.

Peace and Love and Empathy,

Matt
My adopted mom was the one that put her foot down... I believe it is because of my atheism, but since she won't talk to me, I am not sure.

Regardless of whether or not they still care for me, this is not something a parent should do to their teenager just because of a difference in beliefs.

It seems like you think I'll kill myself. Shocking

I'll get through it, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind. I am still fuming that they would do this to me....

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12-06-2012, 10:12 PM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
Hey, Stephen.

I don't know you from a hole in the wall so I thought it best to err on the side of caution. Glad you're cast iron Cool

It's kinda ballsacky.

She's your mom. You'd know best how to read her/handle her. I hope you figure it out. Absolute worst case scenario, you'll eventually move out and then unless she has super powers/minions of darkness, she won't be able to stop you.

Peace and Love and Empathy,

Matt
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13-06-2012, 04:21 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
Ouch!

That’s shit, I met my dad when I was 24 and I had to corner my mum to get any information out of her to do it too!

But this is quit a bit heaver, don’t let up, it is your right to know them.

All the best.

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. Friedrich Nietzsche
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13-06-2012, 04:41 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
(12-06-2012 10:12 PM)Ghost Wrote:  She's your mom. You'd know best how to read her/handle her. I hope you figure it out. Absolute worst case scenario, you'll eventually move out and then unless she has super powers/minions of darkness, she won't be able to stop you.
Do other Christians count as minions of darkness???

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13-06-2012, 10:26 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
I'm adopted myself. My adopted dad even went so far as to send me the paperwork to find out who my birth parents were. I've never even opened the envelope of papers. (BTW i'm over 40) So this post is from a different angle. Why do you want to reach out to your birth mother? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, I just think you should make sure you understand the reason for wanting to do so. If it is just curiosity, then let it slide until you are 18 and can do so without ruffling feathers at home.

The only reason (other than just plain curiosity) that I've come up with for my own situation is to understand my health history which given my age may become more important. While my adoptive parents are religious, they weren't/aren't fundie. Hell, I forget the year but they even gave me a copy of The origin of species for a pre-teen birthday.

Also think of it from your adoptive mother's perspective. Is it truely something based on religion or perhaps might her objections be based on other reasons? Is she insecure (i.e. does she think you'll run to another parent instead of her?) There may be more beneath the surface here. Tread lightly, if you can. Best of luck!!!
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13-06-2012, 10:30 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
(13-06-2012 10:26 AM)devilsadvoc8 Wrote:  I'm adopted myself. My adopted dad even went so far as to send me the paperwork to find out who my birth parents were. I've never even opened the envelope of papers. (BTW i'm over 40) So this post is from a different angle. Why do you want to reach out to your birth mother? I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, I just think you should make sure you understand the reason for wanting to do so. If it is just curiosity, then let it slide until you are 18 and can do so without ruffling feathers at home.

The only reason (other than just plain curiosity) that I've come up with for my own situation is to understand my health history which given my age may become more important. While my adoptive parents are religious, they weren't/aren't fundie. Hell, I forget the year but they even gave me a copy of The origin of species for a pre-teen birthday.

Also think of it from your adoptive mother's perspective. Is it truely something based on religion or perhaps might her objections be based on other reasons? Is she insecure (i.e. does she think you'll run to another parent instead of her?) There may be more beneath the surface here. Tread lightly, if you can. Best of luck!!!
My reason transends mere curiousity. I want to connect with my family, to establish ties with them. I also want them to see me as a teenager, not a legal adult yet. They saw me when I was five, and fifteen would be a nice little bridge to connect from adolecence to adulthood. They have reached out to my family, and it was going to happen this year, but... I guessmthat's changed.

Regardless of her personal opinion about all of this, she won't communicate, and I am pretty sure that my beliefs do have something to do with it... But it may not have one hundred percent to do with it. I can never be certain, and am not arrogant to pretend I am.

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14-06-2012, 03:10 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
(12-06-2012 03:19 PM)TheKetola Wrote:  Haha, he does have a point, except being an atheist is less publicly acceptable than being gay for the most part (fucking bigots).
Wow! Really?
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14-06-2012, 09:41 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
I never saw this thread till now.
(13-06-2012 10:30 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  My reason transends mere curiousity. I want to connect with my family, to establish ties with them. I also want them to see me as a teenager, not a legal adult yet. They saw me when I was five, and fifteen would be a nice little bridge to connect from adolecence to adulthood. They have reached out to my family, and it was going to happen this year, but... I guessmthat's changed.


Oh my gosh, you are an awesome perfect teenager, with so much awareness! And I've seen a lot, not only from when I used to be one, but I've worked with hundreds. My offer still stands, I'll be your second adoptive mom, come to Canada! Big Grin


In seriousness though. So you have an open adoption? What are the laws for your choices and rights? In your adoption, is it only your current legal guardian (your adoptive parents) that hold the right to the decision making, and at what point is it your right? I guess those answers will determine what can really be done.

To be honest it is ridiculous that your parents will not let you see your birth mother. At this point in your life it is a time when people your age try to identify and assert themselves and who they are going to choose to be as an adult, as a person. Meeting and having relationships and figuring out the place of things is a very big part of the bigger picture of who you want to be. Finding out if there is a connection or not (with family of any kind) is something good to know. Also, whether or not you meet your birth family should be in your control, they are your boundaries to set.

The only time I think it would be right for an adoptive parent to not allow this is if it is not a safe or healthy connection (maybe at 5 you saw a different picture of a drug addict mother or something, but now it would not be a positive interaction. Or maybe your birth mom wouldn't be receptive to meeting you and your adoptive mom is trying to protect you from feelings of rejection). Still, I think it would have to be pretty bad for you to not at least meet her or try to meet her.

Unless I missed it, your mom is just refusing the communication but not giving any reason? In your introduction post, I know you mentioned she said a lot of harsh words when you came out as an atheist... but if she really didn't care, than she wouldn't do what she feels is best for you still. It sounds like she still cares and wants to hold onto you, even though it may not be in the healthiest ways.
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14-06-2012, 09:51 AM
RE: Going to far... Denying communication
(14-06-2012 09:41 AM)LadyJane Wrote:  I never saw this thread till now.
(13-06-2012 10:30 AM)Atothetheist Wrote:  My reason transends mere curiousity. I want to connect with my family, to establish ties with them. I also want them to see me as a teenager, not a legal adult yet. They saw me when I was five, and fifteen would be a nice little bridge to connect from adolecence to adulthood. They have reached out to my family, and it was going to happen this year, but... I guessmthat's changed.


Oh my gosh, you are an awesome perfect teenager, with so much awareness! And I've seen a lot, not only from when I used to be one, but I've worked with hundreds. My offer still stands, I'll be your second adoptive mom, come to Canada! Big Grin


In seriousness though. So you have an open adoption? What are the laws for your choices and rights? In your adoption, is it only your current legal guardian (your adoptive parents) that hold the right to the decision making, and at what point is it your right? I guess those answers will determine what can really be done.

To be honest it is ridiculous that your parents will not let you see your birth mother. At this point in your life it is a time when people your age try to identify and assert themselves and who they are going to choose to be as an adult, as a person. Meeting and having relationships and figuring out the place of things is a very big part of the bigger picture of who you want to be. Finding out if there is a connection or not (with family of any kind) is something good to know. Also, whether or not you meet your birth family should be in your control, they are your boundaries to set.

The only time I think it would be right for an adoptive parent to not allow this is if it is not a safe or healthy connection (maybe at 5 you saw a different picture of a drug addict mother or something, but now it would not be a positive interaction. Or maybe your birth mom wouldn't be receptive to meeting you and your adoptive mom is trying to protect you from feelings of rejection). Still, I think it would have to be pretty bad for you to not at least meet her or try to meet her.

Unless I missed it, your mom is just refusing the communication but not giving any reason? In your introduction post, I know you mentioned she said a lot of harsh words when you came out as an atheist... but if she really didn't care, than she wouldn't do what she feels is best for you still. It sounds like she still cares and wants to hold onto you, even though it may not be in the healthiest ways.
You maybe right, I can't be certain of how my mom feels. I do not know the legal status of my adoption, only that it is recongnized by the country.... I doubt my mom would give me documentation of anything to see if it is an open one.

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