Groan Worthy Jokes
Post Reply
 
Thread Rating:
  • 1 Votes - 5 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
02-04-2015, 12:43 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
An Irishman walks out of a bar.

"I feel as though the camera is almost a kind of voyeur in Mr. Beans life, and you just watch this bizarre man going about his life in the way that he wants to."

-Rowan Atkinson
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 10 users Like Can_of_Beans's post
05-04-2015, 06:43 AM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
I recently called an undertaker. Suddenly the connection was dead.

"Newton's third law: The only way humans have ever figured out of getting somewhere is to leave something behind." - TARS, Interstellar
"Newtons drittes Gesetz: Der einzige Weg wie Menschen irgendwo hin kommen, ist der dass sie etwas zur├╝cklassen." - TARS, Interstellar
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like therealJim's post
09-04-2015, 10:14 AM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Why don't Southern Baptists have sex standing up?

It looks too much like dancing.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like Nurse's post
09-04-2015, 11:10 AM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Here's the worst pun I've learnt:

Once there were two seafloor buddies, Larry the Lobster and Sam Clam. They were bff, doing everything together, inseparable, until one day there was an underwater landslide which covered the seabed and killed them both.

Now, Larry was a devout little lobster, worshipping in his own arachnid way, but Sam, well, he'd always had more than a smidgen of doubt, so when they died, they rode different escalators: Larry's going up, and Sam's, well, it was downhill all the way.

So Larry's in Heaven, he's got his standard issue harp, his wings and his halo, but he's just not himself -- mopey and pining for his best bud Sam Clam. One day Saint Peter notices this and asks, "Say, Larry, aren't you happy? This is Heaven! What can your problem be?"

"Well, St. Pete, I miss my buddy Sam, and no offense, but it's just not like Heaven when I miss him so."

The venerable saint scratches his beard and thinks for a moment, and then says, "I'll talk to the Old Man and see what we can do."

The next day, the Saint tells him, "Larry, I spoke to the Chief about this, and he agreed to you going down to visit Sam for a couple of hours."

Larry was ecstatic. "Oh, thank you, Sir! This is terrific!"

"Now, Larry, the way it will work is this: you will check your wings and halo at the Pearly Gates, but you will take your harp down there," and his face wrinkled at the thought of such an awful place. "You must be back by midnight, and not one minute late! Your harp will be your pass to get back in."

So Larry rushes off to the Gates, and checks in his gear, and grabs an elevator going down. Finally it comes to a stop, and he sees a demon waiting for him. "It's about time, we've been expecting you. Let me show you to Sam's Place."

Now, Sam Clam hadn't been idle in Hell; in fact, he'd been tearing things up with his joy for life. He'd started a dance club where cheap drinks and shitty dance music played, and though there was no air-conditioning in the joint, it was the hoppingnest place around.

As you can imagine, their reunion was a joyous affair, filled with many rounds of ********* and some hot little seahorses dancing around, and reminiscing and just some good happy times, when suddenly Larry looked up at the clock, and realized it was 11:58. He panics. "I gotta go!" he shouts, and takes off for the nearest elevator, furiously pressing the Top Floor button until it glided to a stop and he steps out with seconds to spare. Stepping up to the gate, he nods at Gabriel, who had to pull graveyard duty that night, and asks for his wings and his halo.

"You're Larry?" asks Gabriel. "Where's your harp?"

Larry turned whiter than a flounder's belly, and slaps his head.

"Oh dear, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes Thumpalumpacus's post
09-04-2015, 11:13 AM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2015 11:17 AM by Thumpalumpacus.)
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
<edited, Smoozie got there first>
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
09-04-2015, 11:16 AM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
(09-04-2015 10:14 AM)Nurse Wrote:  Why don't Southern Baptists have sex standing up?

It looks too much like dancing.

How do you keep a Southern Baptist from drinking all your beer if you take him fishing???

Take two S. Baptists and they'll be too busy watching each other.......

.......................................

The difference between prayer and masturbation - is when a guy is through masturbating - he has something to show for his efforts.
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 2 users Like onlinebiker's post
09-04-2015, 11:23 AM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
What's the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist?


Methodists drink their beer from a can, Baptists pour it in a cup.

"If there's a single thing that life teaches us, it's that wishing doesn't make it so." - Lev Grossman
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
09-04-2015, 02:22 PM (This post was last modified: 09-04-2015 11:51 PM by Thumpalumpacus.)
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
Another groaner:

One day a gorilla comes upon a watering hole, where he sees a lion at the edge, taking a long drink, oblivious to his surroundings. Now, it's been a year or two since this gorilla's had any tail, and that lion's backside was looking pretty sweet, so the gorilla runs quickly up and ass-tags the lion before throwing him into the water and running off into the jungle.

Soon the gorilla hears the lion tearing through the jungle looking for revenge, and it's clear that he is catching up quickly. The great ape is running out of steam and worrying about his prospects of getting away when he stumbles onto a hunter's camp. Looking around, he sees that it's empty -- the hunter is out on his hunt.

Thinking fast, the gorilla runs into the tent and puts on the hunter's spare clothes -- khaki shorts, T-shirt, utility vest, pith helmet -- and dashing out front, lights a cigarette and makes a show out of reading yesterday's Nairobi Times.

Not thirty seconds later the lion comes tearing through the camp. "Hey!" he growls out. "You seen a gorilla come running through here, brown hair, short and fat?"

"You mean the one who just ass-raped the lion down at the watering hole?" asks the ape.

"Christ, I'm ruined," cries the lion as he slaps his forehead. "It's in the papers already?"
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 4 users Like Thumpalumpacus's post
09-04-2015, 10:24 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
(09-04-2015 02:22 PM)Thumpalumpacus Wrote:  Another groaner:

One days a gorilla comes upon a watering hole, where he sees a lion at the edge, taking a long drink, oblivious to his surroundings. Now, it's been a year or two since this gorilla's had any tail, and that lion's backside was looking pretty sweet, so the gorilla runs quickly up and ass-tags the lion before throwing him into the water and running off into the jungle.

Soon the gorilla hears the lion tearing through the jungle looking for revenge, and it's clear that he is catching up quickly. The great ape is running out of steam and worrying about his prospects of getting away when he stumbles onto a hunter's camp. Looking around, he sees that it's empty -- the hunter is out on his hunt.

Thinking fast, the gorilla runs into the tent and puts on the hunter's spare clothes -- khaki shorts, T-shirt, utility vest, pith helmet -- and dashing out front, lights a cigarette and makes a show out of reading yesterday's Nairobi Times.

Not thirty seconds later the lion comes tearing through the camp. "Hey!" he growls out. "You seen a gorilla come running through here, brown hair, short and fat?"

"You mean the one who just ass-raped the lion down at the watering hole?" asks the ape.

"Christ, I'm ruined," cries the lion as he slaps his forehead. "It's in the papers already?"

Lion got Magilla'd. Big Grin
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 1 user Likes pablo's post
16-04-2015, 10:40 PM
RE: Groan Worthy Jokes
[Image: FB_IMG_1429245017777_zps6zqqtlo8.jpg]
Find all posts by this user
Like Post Quote this message in a reply
[+] 6 users Like pablo's post
Post Reply
Forum Jump: